The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 238

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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More law and disorder for you.


Running out of jokes for this pic.

Actually, ran out of jokes for this pic!

Nerissa: Your dad’s already heading inside.
Stephen: My what? I don’t have a dad!

William: …what?
Stephen: Heheheh. Nothing.

Stephen: Seriously, nothing! Heheheh.

Chelsea: I still think they should have let me wear what I was wearing on the date in question.

They probably think it would unduly influence the judge in your favour.

Andrew: Swooning over me?
Daisy: Sure, I’m okay with letting you think that.

Daisy: I didn’t say I was okay with sitting next to you!

Daisy: Oh lighten up. You’re getting your sense of humour tangled up in that beard.

Richard Connolly: I take it you people like green.

Richard: I’ve always been more a fan of red, personally.

Richard: You must be Ms. Fox.
Ember: Well, if I must…

Ember: And you would be Mr. Connolly.
Richard: I wouldn’t be, but unfortunately nobody asked me.

Ember: I have no idea why I like him so much.

Aurora: Please remain seated for the honourable Judge Bailey Goodwin, presiding! Wallawallock State v. Chelsea Price, charge of voluntary llamaslaughter.
Bailey: Ho boy.

Richard: My my, we have celebrities in the audience! That looks like Daisy White!
Daisy: The man has taste!
Richard: And is that famed humanitarian Andrew Murphy?!
Daisy: With a few blind spots, but hey, he’s only Sim.

Judge me any day!

Bailey: Okay! Hi everybody. I’m Bailey. I don’t know what everyone else has been doing, but I seem to think the defendant is supposed to enter a plea before opening statements.

Bailey: Okay, I do know what everyone else has been doing. They’ve been doing it wrong.

Bailey: So, Chelsea! Bovicide! Guilty or not?

Chelsea: Too bad it’s not LLAMACIDE, eh! Hahaha!

Chelsea: Not guilty.

Bailey: Glad to hear it! I have all your albums. Opening statements!

Richard: Your honour, the state will show that Ms. Price did wilfully and hilariously terminate the existence of one Douglas Davison, loyal mascot of the Dullsville Thunderin’ Udders, one sunny morning too long ago for anyone to bother checking the date.

Richard: Anyone who’s attended college or university in this state has wanted to do something similar.

Richard: But murder, hey, turns out… is illegal!
Andrew: Golly! Did you know that?!
Daisy: Gosh, I didn’t!

Richard: How to put this more pretentiously…

Richard: Ah! Got it! The very foundation of our values system is at stake here. We need to defend our children from the scourge of rock stars who think they can just machinegun whoever they want without repercussions.

Richard: Also have you heard that album she did with her mom a few years back? Vagina Implosion? DAMN good album. I had the lead single, “I Got Gash,” stuck in my head for WEEKS!

Richard: But we can’t let our personal feelings get in the way of justice.
Daisy: That is literally a description of how I live my life.

Richard: DAMN these lights are warm! Haha! I specifically mentioned that I was fat when I applied to work here.

William: WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY
Bailey: Thank you, Mr. Connolly. Ms. Fox?

Ember: Thank you, your honour.
Richard: Shitshit! Thank you, your honour! I forgot to say that.

Ember: As many of you already know, Chelsea is my daughter. Both of my daughters are up on serious charges before this court. Awkward!

Ember: Now, this daughter in particular is known to be rather rash.
Stephen: I rather think I got a rash from her!
William: You know, I think I’m the same?

Ember: But Chelsea would never hurt another living thing.
Bailey: She definitely did, though.
Ember: But she definitely wouldn’t! Paradox!
Bailey: Definitely not a paradox.

Ember: The defense will show that Chelsea had no way of knowing that Douglas Davison was not a bloodthirsty zombie until she killed him, at which point boy was her face red!

Ember: I’d like to thank the prosecution for his kind words about our latest album, Vagina Implosion, available in stores now. Crotchfire! Look us up on Spotify.
Stephen: Hoof. Too much, Em, too much.

Ember: You’re seriously not putting my daughters in jail.

Ember: MY daughters. I BUILT this neighbourhood. Just you fucking try it.

Ember: Fuck you up.

Chelsea: Thanks mom.

Richard: Solid.

Bailey: Mr. Connolly, you may call your first witness. But please call them something polite!

Richard: It is my distinct pleasure to call world-renowned rock star and world-renowned rock star daughter Chelsea Price to the stand.

Richard: And might I say hot DAMN your mother’s hot.

Richard: So! Ms. Price.
Chelsea: My mom is Ms. Price.
Richard: I thought she was Ms. Fox.
Stephen: I thought she was Mrs. Fox-Murphy!

Chelsea: Right, anyway, call me Chelsea. And call me later 😉

Chelsea: Assuming I’m not in jail.

Bailey: He can still call you in jail, but it’ll have to be your one phone call.

Bailey: Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.

Chelsea: Thanks for the words of encouragement, your honour?

Richard: Anyway, Chelsea, please! Explain to me how you came to fill a man you hardly knew with lead.

Chelsea: Well, I mean, my sister had already turned like half the school into zombies, right? And the mascots were mostly shambling around all “uuuuuungh” like, right? I forgot that sometimes they do that anyway. Frat boys, beer. You know.

Chelsea: So I shot this cow up outside my res, and he’s all like “WTF mate I’m a dude” and I’m like “yeah a ZOMBIE dude” and he’s like “dude I wasn’t even shambling” and I’m all like “shiiiiiiit.”

Chelsea: See with the LLAMAS you can see if their hands are grey, but the cows have those fuckin’ hoofs on.
Richard: Hooves.
Chelsea: Sure, whatever. That.

Chelsea: I’m sorry, do you moonlight for the grammar police?

Richard: Priceless! The kid is priceless.

Richard: Even though she’s a PRICE!
Stephen: Price-MURPHY! …wait, no, never mind. That’s her sister.

Richard: Haha, yeah. I get you traitors mixed up sometimes too.

Ember: Um, okay, objection.

Ember: And also fuck you.

Bailey: Hey! Language.

Bailey: But yeah, that was mean, sustained.

Richard: My bad. Anyway, I just have one question left, scrumptious.

Richard: What was the name of the man you killed?

Chelsea: …? Don’t you guys have it written down somewhere?

Richard: What a humanist you must be.

Richard: I’m done with this sexy, sexy woman, your blushedness.

Bailey: I’M NOT BLUSHING. Ms. Fox, your daughter. I mean your witness.

Stop mooning over Richard and do your job!

Chelsea: That suit looks way hot on you, mom.
Ember: Fabulous, that’s really helping your case. Okay, Ms. Fox!
Chelsea: Price?
Ember: Fox. What reason did you have for expecting that cow to be a zombie?

Chelsea: You mean besides the fact that almost the entire county already was?

Chelsea: Well I had a date eaten by one of those things, either a llama or a cow. I don’t disciminate. Or remember.

Chelsea: It ate him before we could have sex. That’s an automatic date fail.

Chelsea: Chelsea Price does not fail dates.

Chelsea: And I did really feel bad when I shot that guy.

Ember: But hey, about Mr. Connolly’s question. Why can’t you remember the cow’s name? Didn’t you talk to him?

Chelsea: OH! Haha, I see where you’re going with this.
Ember: That’ll be a first.

Chelsea: I didn’t get the guy’s name because I thought he was a fuckin’ zombie, and anyway my brain’s been pretty fucked up since I was a zombie so I could never remember it afterwards. I’m sorry if my disability bothers some people.

Ember: The defense is immensely satisfied, your honour.

Richard: Oh yeah? Well you know how satisfied I am? The state rests, your ruby tressedness.

Bailey: I can’t tell if he’s complimenting me or your mom.
Chelsea: When mom is an option, guys aren’t usually talking to anyone else.

Ember: The defense calls Governor William Sharpe, SCIA Director (Retired) to the stand.

William: I’m sure I have more titles than that.

William: ‘sup Em?
Ember: Jus’ courtin’, W!

William: No, courtin’ is what you and I will be doing later. Meow!

William: I mean sex, though. Not just, like, necking at the soda fountain or whatever you guys are thinking.

William: What were we doing again?

Ember: Mr. Sharpe, is it true that my daughter helped you with your awesome spy shit?

William: Oh yes, definitely! That is definitely a thing that happened.

Chelsea: Wink wink!
Ember: Shut up!

William: We ran a black ops mission at MNU to distribute guns to promising young students. As long as they could run faster than zombies, they got an assault rifle.

William: We never went public about this because SOME PEOPLE think it’s a BIG DEAL to arm young people to the teeth.

Ember: So Chelsea was acting as a deputy of the SCIA when she killed whatsisname?
William: Sure! Maybe! I’ve never heard of this guy either.

William: But if it happened after the zombie apocalypse started, yeah, it was legit. My predecessor as SCIA Chief started up and ran that program. So it’s not my fault. Nothing is ever my fault.

William: If anyone thinks otherwise they can say so to my gun.

Ember: Why didn’t the SCIA release a statement about this before we went to trial? This seems terribly convenient, which I should totally not be pointing out, ‘cuz it hurts my case.

William: ‘cuz it took us this long to figure out the details! We don’t have an archivist because archivists are pussies.

William: Not that I have anything against pussies, mind you…

Ember: I am so thoroughly done with this witness, your honour.
William: Aw, you’ll come crawlin’ back.

William: On your back!

What, like… the Alien in the deleted scenes?

That sounds ridiculous.

Richard: Thanks for warmin’ him up for me, hot stuff.

Richard: Is she great or what.

Richard: So, let me get this straight: it’s okay to murder someone if you work for the government?

William: Oh good, it’s Petty Oversimplification Theatre.

Richard: I delivered my cool “gotcha” phrase, I have nothing further.

Bailey: Closing arguments please, counsellors! And I’d like to take this moment to thank you for letting this be the first trial that reached closing arguments.

Richard: We need to face facts, instead of Ms. Fox and Ms. Price’s cute faces.

Richard: We are not a country that supports rampant machinegunning, no matter how we managed to obtain our present governor.

Richard: The SimNation is known worldwide for its high death rates from ladder pool removal, satellite orbit deterioration, hot tub lightning strikes and daytime vampirism, but we are not known for gun death! Gun death is weird.

Richard: This woman used a gun – a piece of custom content, I might add – to end the life of a promising young miscreant.
Daisy: Custom content?
Andrew: Search me!

Richard: Do we want our children shooting livestock, Sim or not, in the face with machineguns? Or any guns? What if shooting mascots is a gateway crime to shooting babies?

Chelsea: Heyyyy.
Ember: Yeah! Easier than raisin’ them!

Richard: Are we so desensitized to violence in this county that we can laugh about this? Actually yeah, we totally are. Where am I going with this?

Richard: Oh yeah, right. Towards a total condemnation of the SCIA.

Richard: Haha, just kidding! I wouldn’t dream of criticizing the secret service! Because they might give a machinegun to a kid and have them waste me.

Richard: Because apparently they do that sort of thing.

Richard: And anyway, when a pseudo-governmental shadow agency gives you a gun and tells you to shoot people with it, are we to consider you a hunky-dory citizen if you accept? Hunky dory, fuck, there has to be a less white way to put that.

Richard: Ladies and gentlemen, may I offer this condescending reminder: famous people can be murderers too.

Richard: Who knows what other harm Ms. Price did with that oh-so-convenient automatic paint stripper our fearless leader so gallantly gave her?

Chelsea: Hey, object! William didn’t give me the gun, unspecified other people did! That way we all come across as not-guilty.

Ember: I’m not gonna object to his fuckin’ closing, Chel.

Richard: Oh, the sky is falling! Oh, the zombies are coming! Oh, let’s give everyone weapons of middling destruction.

Richard: Kill the zombies! Blow them up! And if some normal people get killed along the way, oh well! They’re probably just COWS anyway!

Richard: Whenever anyone disagrees with you, just sign up at the local international killers’ clubhouse and bring home a four-foot peacemaker.

Richard: RAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT! BANG! BANG!

Richard: What are we coming to, America? I mean SimNation.

Ember: Are you done, hambone?

William: Am I done? I feel awkward up here.

Ember: I’m sorry my closing doesn’t have anything as expressive and meaningful as RAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT in it.

Ember: Oh, my dear nation, what have we done? The world might as well be over! One person was accidentally killed in a county-wide holocaust.

Ember: He knew his skin wasn’t visible when he left the house! Men should be careful to make sure their outfits show skin if they don’t wanna get attacked!

Ember: So one stupid college kid-
Chelsea: -hey wait a se-
Ember: -was stupid enough to shoot a mascot to death. A lot of college kids make dumb mistakes!

Ember: Shall we put all the bubble blowers and streakers in jail, too? I don’t know if I can make that much room on my schedule!

Ember: My daughter thought she saw a zombie because what she saw was an IDIOT.

Ember: She didn’t commit bovicide, that bovine committed suicide.

Ember: I know we all secretly wish we could take a few potshots at those annoying cows, but who here would actually do it?

Ember: What happened was a tragic accident, and it was only tragic because of my poor daughter’s pain and suffering. The cow was an asshole, and he was an imbecile, and it’s nobody’s fault but Melanie Lillard that he met his end at a rifle’s… end.

Ember: It’s a mistake anyone could have made, which is weird, because it’s such a weird mistake. Everything’s just so… weird. You get me? Anyway not her fault.

Ember: Hurry up, we discussed this! Touching mother-daughter photo op!

Ember: I’m awesome, you’re welcome.

Chelsea: I know. mom. I know.

Bailey: Alright, I’m gonna go decide which Atticus Finch impression I liked best.

Aurora: All hang around for the honourable Judge Bailey Goodwin’s verdict! Please.

Bailey: I feel guilty for liking the sound of that so much.

Chelsea: I like your hair!

Bailey: Well there’s a surprise.

Aurora: They should have told you to go back to the bench already.
William: Let me tell you a secret – I don’t really mind being in the middle of the action.

Stephen: Stop the presses!

Bailey: .oO(I feel like my total opposition to capital punishment is a consideration here.)

Meanwhile, in the other courtroom…

Alvin: Okay, now you try to fire the tennis ball into my fort!

Theresa: Please be prostrate before the Honourable Empress-Judge Theresa A. Leive! The “A” stands for “Awesome.”

Aurora: Please be seated everyone! Except for the lawyers. You fuckers stand.

Stephen: Do you think we look alike?
William: Fishing for compliments, are you?

William: I’m a receiver, not a giver.

Bailey: Thank you, counsellors, for that very entertaining and slightly decorous display.
William: I didn’t mean that sexually.

Bailey: What measure a man? Or a cow? That’s the question before us today.
William: I’m not gay.

Bailey: Please be quiet sir.

Bailey: The prosecution has a point, I think, about the widespread use of military hardware by civilian contractors. Imagine if a country sent people like that abroad to fight wars for them!

Bailey: I think we’d all agree that such a country would suck.

Bailey: On the other hand, Ms. Fox’s points are well-taken. It’s difficult to distinguish between a cow mascot and a monster, especially when the government helpfully discourages you from making that distinction.

Bailey: (If you’re getting the impression I’m not impressed with the government, you’re not wrong.)

Bailey: Oh, I’ve been stalling too long, this must be very upsetting for you, I’m sorry! I’m gonna let you go, just so you know.

Bailey: But you still can’t leave until I’m done talking. Power!

Bailey: I agree with Mr. Connolly that the SCIA acted in a ridiculously cartoon way in this situation, so I’m issuing a formal reprimand. If anyone subsequently kills me with a machinegun we’ll know who to blame.

Bailey: As for you, Ms. Price, I suggest you get your eyes and ears checked.

Bailey: Oh! And definitely hand that gun back in if you haven’t already.

Bailey: Case dismissed.

Chelsea: Another victory for the right to bear arms!
Jane: You have no right to bear arms. Your home is being searched as we speak.

Daisy: You look surprised!
Andrew: I just remembered Abe Vigoda is dead.

Chelsea: Smooth moves, mom! Way to defend your manslaughterin’ family!

Richard: I’m glad you’re not guilty, Ms. Price. But if you were, and I’d put you in jail, this I would also be glad about.
Chelsea: Okay! Bit disturbing, but cool.

Bailey: I wonder if everyone would come over to my place for vegan pizza?

Richard: I honestly can’t allow myself to leave without complimenting you on your impeccable pectorals.

Ember: You can peck them any time you like, counsellor!

William: I’m gonna chalk this up as a personal win, and nobody can legally stop me.

SNAP

Andrew: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Richard: It’s been a carnal pleasure, my flame-maned coadjutor!
Ember: I think you’re sexy too.

Ember: And I have no clue why.

Andrew: RIP Wapner.

Chelsea: What’s a wapner? Is that a racist term?

Chelsea: THIS ISN’T HIS DAY DAMMIT

Nerissa: YEAH FUCK THAT GUY

William: You wish, sister.

Richard: Wow, I felt so alive in there, for a moment I forgot that I don’t have a life. Or a home. Or a family.

Or any more lines!

Next time: a truly explosive case.

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