Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Today is the first chapter of the rest of the journal.
And it ain’t a long one.
So I might as well treat you to a little extra effort.
Dagmar: Who the what fuck?
Grugly Prime: Hello to you, too.
Dagmar: Who are you? What am I doing here?
You are becoming a playable. Yay, you!
And you’re not the only one! Send in the judges.
Meet Hobart Fairchild, known for being fair, young, and aptly-named.
This is Bailey Goodwin, Hobart’s fellow bleeding-heart legislator.
This here is Evelyn Guess. How she rules is anybody’s guess.
On the older end of the spectrum we have Agatha Grimm. She’s less friendly than her name might suggest.
Just as bad is Noah Cold. You wouldn’t want him to build an ark, but you can count on his frosty disposition.
German Gatewood is not a judge, he’s a lawyer.
Samella Harp is a lawyer too, although as with German there really ought to be quotation marks around that title.
This is my super-secret table for determining how any given case will shake out.
I made it at work, which is why it clearly involved so much attention and effort.
Basically you’ve got the penalties that a nice, normal, or naughty judge might inflict for each possible crime, and then a list of modifiers. If a Sim is found guilty, those modifiers will determine just how bad their sentence is.
Because yeah, I have mental problems and enjoy this kind of technicality.
Except when I don’t.
Oh, right! You should be able to tell which judges are lenient, fair, or harsh, and which lawyers are good, average, or poor pretty quickly, but our mystery judge (in the next chapter!) is the missing fair judge.
What could be classier than arriving at the courthouse on foot?
The courthouse itself, though, freshly renovated for its first actual use, is classy enough for everyone.
It’s too late to walk the streets when even the streetwalkers have gone to sleep.
Dagmar: A mayor is never late. Nor is she early.
William: Nor is she a wizard, so let me cut you off right there.
William: You’re looking lovely today, your honour! I’m sure the criminals will appreciate your taste in evening wear.
Willliam: Even though it’s morning.
Dagmar: I’ve heard this is what passes for polite from you, Mister Governor, so thank you.
Dagmar: Please tell me this isn’t going to be a disaster.
William: If it is, at least the scenery will be nice!
Dagmar: Oh, you’re just a well of assurance, aren’t you.
Opal: I think she’s looking for a better hat.
This is the entrance to the main municipal building, ’round back of the courthouse.
I have helpfully taken no establishing shot of it.
Oh, and I haven’t playtested this lot yet either! It’s bound to be a lot of fun.
Good news everybody! The scientific process works.
Alright, two more lawyers while we’re at it.
This is Karina Arden, competent and weird-looking.
The second-best prosecutor in town is a defendant’s second-worst nightmare, Richard Connolly.
There’s another lawyer, and another judge as well, but you’ll see them when you see them.
William: I’m scared to move.
Dagmar: Hey, those game file corrections that keep the game from crashing. Did you find those before or after these trials?
Dagmar: I hope you like suddenly not existing.
William: At my age that’s a constant threat.
William: We haven’t really had the chance to get to know each other, my dear.
Dagmar: And my unstained virtue is grateful for it.
Dagmar: I’m wittily reparteeing with a legend!
William: You know that your asides to the Maker are audible, right?
Dagmar: UM YEP SURE
William: Alright, we’re both adults and there’s no voters nearby. Cards on the table! You are hot.
Dagmar: And you are like the light of a dying sun, dimmed but life-giving.
William: I’d take offense, but that would slow my conquest of your body.
Dagmar: Your overconfidence is attractive.
William: Baby, I’m William Sharpe. I’m the Zombie King and the Zombie Killer. My everything is attractive.
Dagmar: Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Dagmar: But I’m faster.
William: Even that has its benefits.
William: I keep seeing the ghosts of my mistakes everywhere.
No, you keep seeing people the goddamn game shouldn’t be FUCKING AROUND WITH.
Back in your cage, creature!
Dagmar: How delightfully undelightful!
Tish: Don’t you normally do that schtick for a crowd?
Kenya: When I was younger. Now that an age-related crash and burn is likely at any moment, I’d rather nobody watched my landings.
Yes yes, we’ve established that.
William: I’m just making sure it stays loaded in memory!
Dagmar: Some things are loaded in memory permanently, apparently.
William: Tish! You have a purpose! Good for you!
Kenya: Captain Hero doesn’t rate a kiss, but Captain SWAT does?!
William: I can feel your laser vision burning a hole through my neck, Captain. Lay off.
Tish: I am voting for you so hard.
William: Alright, you ready for this? I make a call on the deathphone, and you keep whatever comes out from doing anything else death-related.
Tish: For security purposes I demand the deathphone calls not be visually recorded!
That is an EXCELLENT way to avoid showing that I failed to take a pic of it!
Dagmar: You’re hot!
William: I know!
William: Alright, take Mister Personality upstairs and give him a drink of sulfur or whatever evil people drink these days.
Elle: I have just one question.
Tish: How were you resurrected?
Elle: No, why was I resurrected. I’m not even C-list!
William: We’re resurrecting everyone with a retroactive criminal record. Because that’s a thing we can do. Because I pass the laws, and nobody reads them anyway.
William: And if some of our detainees happen to have smokin’ hot asses? Well, I’ll try to contain my indifference.
Kenya: Did you pick her because she needs to be brought to justice or because you find her attractive?
William: What is it with you old people and binaries?
William: Well, so far, so good.
Kenya: Sullivan’s eating the drapes a bit.
William: That’s good by his standards.
Dagmar: When this is over-
William: YES. But can I do Tish while I’m waiting for it to be over? Captain Sparkles needs his shine-time.
Jane: That awful moment when you and your colleague shopped at the same secret agent clothing store.
William: Okay, so. The SCIA and Centreborough PD will watch these idiots until their trials.
Dagmar: And what will you be doing?
William: Watching your chest, hopefully. Man! When you breathe!
Kenya: Having trouble getting it up, old man?
Sullivan: Ask me that when it’s halfway up your UTERUS, you pantyhosed hippie.
Dagmar: Man, back in the day you were smokin’ hot! You were dating the world’s most famous mad scientist, and livin’ the dream!
William: Unfortunately, most dreams stop making sense when you wake up.
William: That said, I’d go to town on her ass any day.
Elle: So I’m under arrest for pillow-fighting.
Tish: Lethal pillow-fighting.
Elle: And the woman who disintegrated me?
Tish: National hero.
Elle: I need to call the SNAABP.
The “S” stands for “Sim,” obviously.
The “B” stands for “Bovine.”
Dagmar: You know, the state has funds earmarked for a gubernatorial mansion. You thinking of using them?
William: Nah, my sinuses are clear.
William: Worth a kiss?
Dagmar: Worth a kick in the nuts.
Next time: the cow’s day in court.
It will moove you.
Sullivan: Okay buddy, your nuts are next.