The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 232

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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I’m getting excited.

I command you all to get excited too.

I wish this was inappropriate, but we’ve already established that they use taxis.

Stewart: It’s so inconvenient coming into the city.

I know. I have to drive to the bus station, bus to the subway station, and subway to the university.

Stewart: Oh. I just walked.

You just…?

Stewart: I left yesterday.

Stewart: Is this why Trump thinks the inner city is all black people?

And all black people are in the inner city?

Anyway no.

It’s because he’s a racist cunt.

Vicki is imagining being a racist cunt.

She doesn’t like it.

Stewart: Um, hi? Police people?

Stewart: When they said their investigations would be transparent I expected more than a fucking PORTHOLE.

Stewart: I’m gonna block all your donut and coffee deliveries until I get some action.

Tish: Hi there! I’m Sergeant Raha. I have enough buckshot to de-torso a bull.
Stewart: Haha! Unbeknownst to you, I am not a bull.

Tish: We’ve got a live one here.

Annie: How much longer you think the world is gonna last?

I’ll be really pissed off if the imminent nuclear catastrophe prevents me from finishing this story.

Tish: Some moron’s here to see the prostitute.
Nerissa: She’s not here yet. Nathan’s taking his time with her OH GOD WHAT COULD THEY BE DOING

Nerissa: Ugh, they probably are.

Tish: Why is Brooke showering?
Nerissa: Because she’s an idiot. Why don’t you know that? Aren’t you all in the same idiot club?

Nerissa: Hello visitor-citizen. My name is Nerissa Cwik, Chief of Police. I am at your service, as long as you don’t want anything that costs anything.

Nerissa: If you’re here to talk to Ms. Landchild, she hasn’t arrived yet.
Stewart: Wow, Rosemarie has a last name? Good for her.

Stewart: Anyway you’ve got her all wrong! She didn’t intentionally squash Leonard, and I’ve forgiven her for it.
Nerissa: Oh, wow! It’s neat how you think the justice system works.

Nerissa: Alright. If you make a statement for us after she gets booked, we can release her to your custody.
Stewart: Ew. Can you make her change out of her prostitute clothes first?

Nerissa: We’re a police station, not a makeover parlour.
Stewart: Then why do you look like a fashion model?

Stewart: And how come you let strangers just walk into your jail like it’s a not-jail?

Nerissa: We’re a public institution, pal! Don’t imply otherwise or I’ll have you removed.

Stewart: Do you take bribes? Ooh, can I buy more prisoners? I might be able to get some good plantation land south of the border.

Nerissa: You’re a funny little liberal, aren’t you?
Stewart: Little?

Stewart: I’m just a concerned citizen.
Nerissa: Yeah, we hate those here.

Nerissa: Tell you what. Flash me some “easy D” and I won’t arrest you.

Stewart: Are we talking about my penis?
Nerissa: I hope so.
Stewart: I hope so too!

Stewart: Okay, well, here’s my statement: let Rosemarie out please.
Nerissa: Is Rosemarie your dog’s name? Anyway bye.

Geez, that’s a cheery thought.

New arrival, or Grim Reaper?

I was kinda hoping Grim Reaper, to be honest.

Rosemarie: Is this my cell?
Nerissa: You have to be processed first! What the fuck are you doing here?
Rosemarie: Nathan only had enough cab fare for one block. I walked the rest of the way.
Nerissa: Ugh. Cutbacks.

Rosemarie: Hey, is that Chelsea Price? The rock star?
Nerissa: If you mean CHELSEA PRICE THE HARDENED KILLER, sure.
Chelsea: I’m more of a softened killer, really!

Rosemarie: There’s that famous Crotchfire humour I’ve heard so much about.

Rosemarie: That’s her band’s name. Crotchfire. You didn’t know?

Rosemarie: It’s because it’s all redheads.
Nerissa: Shut the fuck up.

Nerissa: Get your fudge packin’ ass to the reception desk and get registered before I have you shot.
Rosemarie: What’s that chair doing there?
Nerissa: VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS!

Meanwhile the townies plan an Assault on Precinct 13.

Ally: And literally EVERYONE in my facebook feed is all like “HAHAHA I’M A KNITTER” and “OMG I KNIT SO MUCH RIGHT” and it’s like WHEN DID WE ALL BECOME AUNTIES?

Nerissa: This is a boring conversation. You are a boring policewoman.

Annie: So what’re we gonna do for the rest of the afternoon?
Aurora: I was just gonna picture you on fire, screaming.
Annie: Oh, cool! I might try that too.

Secret Attic Chef: YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED UP HERE

Brooke: I can’t take much more of this! I miss my family!

You’re not in jail, stupid, you’re at work.

Brooke: I know! That’s what I mean!

You guys have a real problem distinguishing between work activities and home activities.

Hey, look who’s a cop now!

Ally: Oh, you want to talk to Vicki? The mass murderer? That sounds totally reasonable.

Ally: I’ll ask Vicki the mass murderer if she can come to the phone.

Ally: Vicki! Come get the phone if you can!

Vicki: Funny!

Vicki: Funny as death.

Brooke: Your clipping plane is showing.

Brooke: Also stop framing my boobs.

Brooke’s Boobs: WE WERE FRAMED!

This confirms something I’ve long thought about Chelsea.

I have a lot of faith in cops who can’t even line up their high-fives.

Ally: OH MY GOD JUST HIT ME
Brooke: DON’T YOU THINK I’M TRYING

Ricky: YOU’LL NEVER CRACK ME, SCREWS!

It’s like the prisoners are running the prison.

Vicki: The original asylum analogy was probably closer.

CLUNK

Dammit! FUCK! Who put that there.

Nerissa: Tell me I’m not seeing this.

Nerissa: You know the rules, Raha! No skipping unless you have a partner!

Nerissa: Okay, new rule: cancel that rule, it’s a dumb rule.

Isn’t that Rosemarie’s dinner?

Nerissa: She wants to think about that before she starts daydreaming about other criminals.

Ricky: Don’t panic guys, but I think we might be acting strangely.

Ricky: Annie! You’re a Bear. Bears don’t shower.
Annie: That’s just my last name, dipshit.

I don’t know what advice you got from Trump, Ricky, but don’t.

Ricky: Cool, just stand there, it’s not like personal space is a thing.

Aurora: Is it, though? In a prison?

They’re getting their jailhouse rocks off.

Rosemarie: I wonder if Social Need failure counts as a conjugal visit.

Ally: All I’m saying is the mayor made me police liaison and I think we ought to look over the courthouse security policies again!
Nerissa: And all I’m saying is that sounds boring.

Ricky: We just fucked.
Annie: I’m glad you understand that. I was worried you still thought I was a bear.

Ricky: Oh, you’re not! That’s cool. We’re cool.
Annie: I am, anyway.

Ricky: You’re much cuter now. You made an ugly-ass bear.

Annie: I’m glad nobody can hear this conversation.

Mhmm.

Annie: So what do you think about our new arrivals?
Ricky: I hope they’re not getting paid as much as we are, they just sit in those little rooms and snooze.

Man, you are a hardened criminal.

Stewart: FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU GUYS

Stewart: INVEST IN AN INTERCOM

Nerissa: An intercom! Does he think we’re the military or something? Hey Raha, make sure you checked your assault rifle back into the armory.

Nerissa: I see you’ve brought your own hold music.

Nerissa: Oh, is that Chopin?
Stewart: No, it’s Crotchfire. Have you heard their new album? Vagina Implosion?

Nerissa: ALRIGHT PRISONER TIME FOR YOUR HOSE DOWN

Nerissa: I’m just kidding, you can go.
Rosemarie: …bitch?!

Nerissa: Our only witness says you didn’t do anything wrong, and we’ve got a full docket as it is.
Rosemarie: Just do some crunches and you’ll wear that weight right off.