The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 231

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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And now the household that makes me feel really guilty.


The what family?

Fuck me.

Rosemarie: Only if you pay us!

Rosemarie: Kisses only for you, buddy. You look STD-ish.

Rosemarie: Wait, are you a government agent? I’ll eat food off the floor for you if you like.
Nathan: Oh gosh, if only.

Nathan: See, I’m a detective. And I’m here to arrest you.
Rosemarie: For WHAT?
Nathan: That time you ran a kid over with your car, then took off?
Rosemarie: OH THAT’S ILLEGAL NOW IS IT?!

Nathan: Yeah, like, a bunch.

Rosemarie: Why are you arresting me now? I was a teenager for fuck’s sake! I don’t think you can even arrest those! Okay never mind I get it now.

Rosemarie: You never did something stupid you regret?
Nathan: …like forget to zip my pants up?

Nathan: ‘cuz I FORGOT TO ZIP MY FUCKING PANTS UP

Nathan: But anyway JAILTIME FOR YOU, RED.
Rosemarie: You are ALSO RED.
Nathan: OH SURE BRING THAT UP

Nathan: Well for your information we’re arresting EVERYONE who’s EVER committed a crime in the entire COUNTY.
Rosemarie: WHY.
Nathan: BECAUSE THAT’S THE NEW PLOTLINE DAMMIT

Rosemarie: Look, I’m not taking a fall just because it took you assholes almost seventy years to establish a judicial system.
Nathan: If I wanted your opinion I’d fuck it out of you, prostitute!
Rosemarie: I DON’T EVEN OFFER THAT SERVICE

Kendra: Hey, can you take him up to your workspace, please? Some of us are trying to eat breakfast.
Rosemarie: FUCK OFF KENDRA
Nathan: YEAH FUCK OFF KENDRA

Nathan: I’m here to arrest this woman, madam.
Kendra: That’s madame with an “e,” thank you.

Rosemarie: Who’s pressing charges, anyway? Was it Stewart? Or Abigail? Do either of them remember the kid’s name? Does anybody?

Nathan: That’s entirely beside the-
Kendra: OW

Nathan: See what you made me do?
Kendra: If you leave now I won’t press charges.

Nathan: You handled that really diplomatically.
Kendra: All johns are easily manipulated.

Nathan: I’m a Nathan.
Rosemarie: Do your cages have floors or should I bring my own paper?

Emily: Hello handsome! You’ve reached Kendra’s Cathouse, Brothel, Inn of Ill Repute and Licensed Tax Attorneys Limited!

Kendra: Why are you still here?
Rosemarie: Apparently we’re waiting for the taxi. Cutbacks.

Kendra: Oh, hey! While you’re serving time, you can read that book you’ve always wanted to read! What was it called again? ANY BOOK?

Rosemarie: You’d better hope they put me away, boss.

Speaking of things that need to be put away.

Nathan: I will not be cockshamed.

Nathan: Are you seriously wearing that to jail.
Rosemarie: Um, duh? It’s my jailbait costume?

Roger: Hi Rosemarie! Who’s your new co-worker? He’s cute.

Roger: Am I misreading this situation somehow?

Roger: What an elaborate roleplay.

You not getting in?

Nathan: The city won’t pay for my fare.

Cutbacks?

Nathan: Cutbacks.

Kendra: Penis dude!

Nathan: If I accept that as my new identity, I don’t need to fix my zipper!

Emily: Hahaha nerd shit.

I didn’t know we were hiring!

Nathan: So, where do you guys keep the cats?

Emily: Hello there, you’ve reached Kendra’s Friends with Benefits Zone!

Nathan: I searched the entire city for a real cathouse, I’m pretty excited.

Emily: Look, I’m really sorry, but our records show you as being a vampire. Yeah. Yeah, prostitutes and vampires, not usually a great mix.

Nathan: Alright, presto, make with the pussies.

Emily: Mmm Kendra I’m so sexy! I mean, I’m so sexy! I mean, look what I found outside.

Emily: They’ve really changed the criteria for “success” since I was a kid.

You were never a kid.

Genie: I hear and obey the master of the lamp! Three wishes remain.
Emily: Stereotypical much?

Genie: OH FUCK MY ARM

Genie: Wipe that shit off, you’re not gonna ask for anything clever, I’ve heard it all.

Emily: Make me beautiful! No, wait! Make me look the same, but make everyone else think I’m beautiful!
Genie: Do you know how much harder that is?!

Genie: We’re fighting against all basic human instincts here!

Genie: Fine, huff my genie taint.

Emily: Did it work?
Genie: Sure kid, get outta here.

Kendra: I believe in second chances.
Genie: Yeah, you look pretty stupid.

Kendra: Bring back the last person whose life was tragically cut short.
Genie: Tragically for them, you mean? ‘cuz otherwise I got nothin’.

Kendra: Is this genie cum?

If you’re that worried stop exposing your dick to the elements!

Ugh, lock the doors.

Wait, please no.

Clay: Second chance, baby!

LAST chance, ASSHOLE.

Nathan: Who says white men can’t jump?

Clay: I love everyone!
Nathan: That’s stupid.

Clay: I love you, dick-hangy cop-man!
Genie: Gaaayyyyy…

Nathan: I WILL SHOOT YOU

Clay: Well excuse me for thinking a man with his dick out in a whorehouse wanted some affection.

Nathan: I do not excuse you.

Kendra: Seriously dude, most of our services involve touching.
Nathan: IT’S NOT AS TOUCHING AS YOU THINK

Kendra: Take your clothes off or the Genie’s gonna pimphand you.

Nathan: Why is everyone assuming I want sex just because I’m prominently displaying my sex organ?!

Kendra: Go away forever.

Nathan: I’ve had worse conversations.

Emily: This is a sex hotline, Kyle. Stop freezing it up.

Yes, steal from the poor prostitutes.

Like a good middle classer.

Emmy: Oh my gosh! You’re a playable! Save me from purgatory.
Stephen: Nah, it kinda suits you.

Stephen: Stop making townie faces at me, I feel dirty.

I really wouldn’t recommend holding grudges against immortal mad scientists.

Emily: Yes, by all means, please tell me how hot Rosemarie was.

Aww, he just realized his worth as a person.

Clay: Hey baby! You put the “me” in “meh!”

Clay: Which means I want to have sex with you even though you’re boring.
Emily: Start picking, asshole.

Kendra: Mr. Murphy! Pleased to meet you.
Kyle: Don’t call me that. That’s like ten different people, and most of them are assholes.

Emily: Why don’t you service him?
Kendra: I don’t want to talk about dork stuff.

Emily: Hey there, dork stuff!
Kyle: Gonna stuff my dork in you!

Emily: Haha wow, that actually works.

Emily: And yet it doesn’t.

Kyle: Man, women who don’t want me are so hot.

I know that feel.

Emily: So, shall we find somewhere more comfortable to hang out?
Kyle: No! That offends my puritan work ethic.

Emily: Oh, you’re a Mormon. I should have guessed from the outfit.

Emily: Say “hi” to Moroni for me.

I used to know your name.

Oh, I just remembered it!

Still not giving you a line though.

Jessie!

Richard: Old guy!
Jessie: I’m sure one of those names is mine.

Richard: This isn’t your stop, Lance.
Lance: From what I understand, this stop belongs to anyone with a few bucks in their pocket.

Lance: By which I mean to imply that your mother is friendly.

Jesse: Ack! So friendly!

Kendra: I resurrected nobody’s favourite nobody.
Jessie: That sounds like you, yeah.

Gasp!

It’s Chandler Greaves, Agent of ENTROPY!

Chandler: Why, just today I demolished an entire crate of Cokes!

Emily: If this gives me money cancer I’m sueing.

Kendra: His dick is SO SMALL
Jessie: You might want to consider your audience.

Kendra: Sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of your old man penis.
Jessie: Then why are you still doing it?

Kendra: She is SO DEAD
Jessie: Again, your subject matter is questionable.

Jessie: This is better-targeted.

Oh no, they’re being crushed!

Yep, there’s a filler caption I’ll only get to deploy once.

Richard: So hey, you’re white.
Lance: I’m practically rose.

That face.

Do you get shocked if you make a wrong move or something?

Emily: YAWN YAWN YAWN

That’s no way to treat a customer!

Emily: Hey, it’s what gets him going. I’m no judge.

Emily: Oh! HE’S a judge, though.

Emily: No, I’ve never had anyone ask me for a milkshake. Why? What do you mean?

Just so everyone remembers who has the coolest skyline.

Jessie: I’ve lost a finger in your ass.
Kendra: At least you did it the weird way instead of the gross way.

Jessie: I guess I’d rather be weird than gross.

And then her lower half went Squigglevision.

Emily: And then the one emoticon crept up on the other emoticon…

Lance: Hey, my life’s not so great. My parents are dead.
Richard: So you’re saying you have free run of the house.

Lance: I like you.

Kendra: My stomach is down here.
Jessie: Sorry, I’m still used to your pregnant body.

Kendra: …so…?
Jessie: WELL MAYBE I LIKED THE PREGNANT BODY BETTER

Kendra: Yeah, that’s a thing.

Oh god, not again.

Kendra: STOP THE HOVERHANDS THEY’RE FREAKIN’ ME OUT

Meanwhile, in another genre…

Kendra: Was it good for you?
Jessie: I’ll let you know once I’ve determined if this is a heart attack or not.

Jessie: …not. So, not bad.

Kendra: You want to die having sex with me?
Jessie: Yeah, I apologize in advance for your complications.

Kendra: Nah, don’t worry. We’re paid up with the police department.

Jessie: Aww, you love me.
Kendra: I love your money, anyway.

Jessie: I should buy them an elevator.

Clay: Man, this would be a great time to steal everything.

Clay: If, you know, there was some everything to steal.

Clay: And also if I didn’t live here.

Kendra: Ah! There’s my kept man.

Kendra: Or is that loose man? ‘cuz he feels all jelly-like.

Clay: I’m heterosexually gay for you, baby.

Clay: Yeah, just TRY and figure THAT one out.

Kendra: Ah, the heart is a brainless hunter.

Kendra: Fuckin’?
Clay: Fuckin’ RIGHT!

Clay: I even stole some sex toys from the church!

Whatcha all got in the sacks?

I think I’d take the pinball machine, personally.

Wow, it’s amazing how much I hate attractive men.

Clay: It’s a heavy burden we bear.

Richard: The body heat from all these flies is murder.

Speaking of murder, PUSH OFF.

Emily: Another day, another dollar tree.

Who you calling?

Emily: -spoiler-

Clay: The sheet geometry is coming apart.
Kendra: Just another reminder of our precariously-coded existence.

Clay: Totally fine with that.

Yeah, you’re a picture of contentment.

Clay: My situation has its charms.

Clay: I’ve named them, too.
Kendra: Sorry, nope. Naming rights go to the first person to mount ’em.

Guess it wasn’t a spoiler after all.

Oh well, not going back and thinking up a new caption.

In fact UGH get me out of here.

Next time: the real story begins.

It only took seven years!

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