Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
And now the household that makes me feel really guilty.
The what family?
Rosemarie: Only if you pay us!
Rosemarie: Kisses only for you, buddy. You look STD-ish.
Rosemarie: Wait, are you a government agent? I’ll eat food off the floor for you if you like.
Nathan: Oh gosh, if only.
Nathan: See, I’m a detective. And I’m here to arrest you.
Rosemarie: For WHAT?
Nathan: That time you ran a kid over with your car, then took off?
Rosemarie: OH THAT’S ILLEGAL NOW IS IT?!
Nathan: Yeah, like, a bunch.
Rosemarie: Why are you arresting me now? I was a teenager for fuck’s sake! I don’t think you can even arrest those! Okay never mind I get it now.
Rosemarie: You never did something stupid you regret?
Nathan: …like forget to zip my pants up?
Nathan: ‘cuz I FORGOT TO ZIP MY FUCKING PANTS UP
Nathan: But anyway JAILTIME FOR YOU, RED.
Rosemarie: You are ALSO RED.
Nathan: OH SURE BRING THAT UP
Nathan: Well for your information we’re arresting EVERYONE who’s EVER committed a crime in the entire COUNTY.
Nathan: BECAUSE THAT’S THE NEW PLOTLINE DAMMIT
Rosemarie: Look, I’m not taking a fall just because it took you assholes almost seventy years to establish a judicial system.
Nathan: If I wanted your opinion I’d fuck it out of you, prostitute!
Rosemarie: I DON’T EVEN OFFER THAT SERVICE
Kendra: Hey, can you take him up to your workspace, please? Some of us are trying to eat breakfast.
Rosemarie: FUCK OFF KENDRA
Nathan: YEAH FUCK OFF KENDRA
Nathan: I’m here to arrest this woman, madam.
Kendra: That’s madame with an “e,” thank you.
Rosemarie: Who’s pressing charges, anyway? Was it Stewart? Or Abigail? Do either of them remember the kid’s name? Does anybody?
Nathan: That’s entirely beside the-
Nathan: See what you made me do?
Kendra: If you leave now I won’t press charges.
Nathan: You handled that really diplomatically.
Kendra: All johns are easily manipulated.
Nathan: I’m a Nathan.
Rosemarie: Do your cages have floors or should I bring my own paper?
Emily: Hello handsome! You’ve reached Kendra’s Cathouse, Brothel, Inn of Ill Repute and Licensed Tax Attorneys Limited!
Kendra: Why are you still here?
Rosemarie: Apparently we’re waiting for the taxi. Cutbacks.
Kendra: Oh, hey! While you’re serving time, you can read that book you’ve always wanted to read! What was it called again? ANY BOOK?
Rosemarie: You’d better hope they put me away, boss.
Speaking of things that need to be put away.
Nathan: I will not be cockshamed.
Nathan: Are you seriously wearing that to jail.
Rosemarie: Um, duh? It’s my jailbait costume?
Roger: Hi Rosemarie! Who’s your new co-worker? He’s cute.
Roger: Am I misreading this situation somehow?
Roger: What an elaborate roleplay.
You not getting in?
Nathan: The city won’t pay for my fare.
Kendra: Penis dude!
Nathan: If I accept that as my new identity, I don’t need to fix my zipper!
Emily: Hahaha nerd shit.
I didn’t know we were hiring!
Nathan: So, where do you guys keep the cats?
Emily: Hello there, you’ve reached Kendra’s Friends with Benefits Zone!
Nathan: I searched the entire city for a real cathouse, I’m pretty excited.
Emily: Look, I’m really sorry, but our records show you as being a vampire. Yeah. Yeah, prostitutes and vampires, not usually a great mix.
Nathan: Alright, presto, make with the pussies.
Emily: Mmm Kendra I’m so sexy! I mean, I’m so sexy! I mean, look what I found outside.
Emily: They’ve really changed the criteria for “success” since I was a kid.
You were never a kid.
Genie: I hear and obey the master of the lamp! Three wishes remain.
Emily: Stereotypical much?
Genie: OH FUCK MY ARM
Genie: Wipe that shit off, you’re not gonna ask for anything clever, I’ve heard it all.
Emily: Make me beautiful! No, wait! Make me look the same, but make everyone else think I’m beautiful!
Genie: Do you know how much harder that is?!
Genie: We’re fighting against all basic human instincts here!
Genie: Fine, huff my genie taint.
Emily: Did it work?
Genie: Sure kid, get outta here.
Kendra: I believe in second chances.
Genie: Yeah, you look pretty stupid.
Kendra: Bring back the last person whose life was tragically cut short.
Genie: Tragically for them, you mean? ‘cuz otherwise I got nothin’.
Kendra: Is this genie cum?
If you’re that worried stop exposing your dick to the elements!
Ugh, lock the doors.
Wait, please no.
Clay: Second chance, baby!
LAST chance, ASSHOLE.
Nathan: Who says white men can’t jump?
Clay: I love everyone!
Nathan: That’s stupid.
Clay: I love you, dick-hangy cop-man!
Nathan: I WILL SHOOT YOU
Clay: Well excuse me for thinking a man with his dick out in a whorehouse wanted some affection.
Nathan: I do not excuse you.
Kendra: Seriously dude, most of our services involve touching.
Nathan: IT’S NOT AS TOUCHING AS YOU THINK
Kendra: Take your clothes off or the Genie’s gonna pimphand you.
Nathan: Why is everyone assuming I want sex just because I’m prominently displaying my sex organ?!
Kendra: Go away forever.
Nathan: I’ve had worse conversations.
Emily: This is a sex hotline, Kyle. Stop freezing it up.
Yes, steal from the poor prostitutes.
Like a good middle classer.
Emmy: Oh my gosh! You’re a playable! Save me from purgatory.
Stephen: Nah, it kinda suits you.
Stephen: Stop making townie faces at me, I feel dirty.
I really wouldn’t recommend holding grudges against immortal mad scientists.
Emily: Yes, by all means, please tell me how hot Rosemarie was.
Aww, he just realized his worth as a person.
Clay: Hey baby! You put the “me” in “meh!”
Clay: Which means I want to have sex with you even though you’re boring.
Emily: Start picking, asshole.
Kendra: Mr. Murphy! Pleased to meet you.
Kyle: Don’t call me that. That’s like ten different people, and most of them are assholes.
Emily: Why don’t you service him?
Kendra: I don’t want to talk about dork stuff.
Emily: Hey there, dork stuff!
Kyle: Gonna stuff my dork in you!
Emily: Haha wow, that actually works.
Emily: And yet it doesn’t.
Kyle: Man, women who don’t want me are so hot.
I know that feel.
Emily: So, shall we find somewhere more comfortable to hang out?
Kyle: No! That offends my puritan work ethic.
Emily: Oh, you’re a Mormon. I should have guessed from the outfit.
Emily: Say “hi” to Moroni for me.
I used to know your name.
Oh, I just remembered it!
Still not giving you a line though.
Richard: Old guy!
Jessie: I’m sure one of those names is mine.
Richard: This isn’t your stop, Lance.
Lance: From what I understand, this stop belongs to anyone with a few bucks in their pocket.
Lance: By which I mean to imply that your mother is friendly.
Jesse: Ack! So friendly!
Kendra: I resurrected nobody’s favourite nobody.
Jessie: That sounds like you, yeah.
It’s Chandler Greaves, Agent of ENTROPY!
Chandler: Why, just today I demolished an entire crate of Cokes!
Emily: If this gives me money cancer I’m sueing.
Kendra: His dick is SO SMALL
Jessie: You might want to consider your audience.
Kendra: Sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of your old man penis.
Jessie: Then why are you still doing it?
Kendra: She is SO DEAD
Jessie: Again, your subject matter is questionable.
Jessie: This is better-targeted.
Oh no, they’re being crushed!
Yep, there’s a filler caption I’ll only get to deploy once.
Richard: So hey, you’re white.
Lance: I’m practically rose.
Do you get shocked if you make a wrong move or something?
Emily: YAWN YAWN YAWN
That’s no way to treat a customer!
Emily: Hey, it’s what gets him going. I’m no judge.
Emily: Oh! HE’S a judge, though.
Emily: No, I’ve never had anyone ask me for a milkshake. Why? What do you mean?
Just so everyone remembers who has the coolest skyline.
Jessie: I’ve lost a finger in your ass.
Kendra: At least you did it the weird way instead of the gross way.
Jessie: I guess I’d rather be weird than gross.
And then her lower half went Squigglevision.
Emily: And then the one emoticon crept up on the other emoticon…
Lance: Hey, my life’s not so great. My parents are dead.
Richard: So you’re saying you have free run of the house.
Lance: I like you.
Kendra: My stomach is down here.
Jessie: Sorry, I’m still used to your pregnant body.
Jessie: WELL MAYBE I LIKED THE PREGNANT BODY BETTER
Kendra: Yeah, that’s a thing.
Kendra: STOP THE HOVERHANDS THEY’RE FREAKIN’ ME OUT
Meanwhile, in another genre…
Kendra: Was it good for you?
Jessie: I’ll let you know once I’ve determined if this is a heart attack or not.
Jessie: …not. So, not bad.
Kendra: You want to die having sex with me?
Jessie: Yeah, I apologize in advance for your complications.
Kendra: Nah, don’t worry. We’re paid up with the police department.
Jessie: Aww, you love me.
Kendra: I love your money, anyway.
Jessie: I should buy them an elevator.
Clay: Man, this would be a great time to steal everything.
Clay: If, you know, there was some everything to steal.
Clay: And also if I didn’t live here.
Kendra: Ah! There’s my kept man.
Kendra: Or is that loose man? ‘cuz he feels all jelly-like.
Clay: I’m heterosexually gay for you, baby.
Clay: Yeah, just TRY and figure THAT one out.
Kendra: Ah, the heart is a brainless hunter.
Clay: Fuckin’ RIGHT!
Clay: I even stole some sex toys from the church!
Whatcha all got in the sacks?
I think I’d take the pinball machine, personally.
Wow, it’s amazing how much I hate attractive men.
Clay: It’s a heavy burden we bear.
Richard: The body heat from all these flies is murder.
Speaking of murder, PUSH OFF.
Emily: Another day, another dollar tree.
Who you calling?
Clay: The sheet geometry is coming apart.
Kendra: Just another reminder of our precariously-coded existence.
Clay: Totally fine with that.
Yeah, you’re a picture of contentment.
Clay: My situation has its charms.
Clay: I’ve named them, too.
Kendra: Sorry, nope. Naming rights go to the first person to mount ’em.
Guess it wasn’t a spoiler after all.
Oh well, not going back and thinking up a new caption.
In fact UGH get me out of here.
Next time: the real story begins.
It only took seven years!