Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
How ’bout some plot for a change.
Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…
Seeing as the newspaper headline would be “Whores Whore,” I don’t see the point.
Nerissa: So, just out of curiosity, what’s keeping me from putting a bullet in your head and putting your corpse in a bag and putting the bag in, say, a river?
Vicki: The fact that William would hunt you down and chop you into tiny, immaculately-dressed pieces?
Nerissa: Yeah, that was my line of thinking as well.
Nerissa: Welcome home!
Right, ‘cuz when you think of all the events in your past that led up to this moment, Jerome Newcastle’s tiny penis certainly looms large?
Nerissa: Get moving, white. You’re the main event tonight.
Aurora Kody: But like, what do we actually do with them? Do we play games with them, or… like… sing songs?
Annie Bear: They’re prisoners, Aurora.
Aurora: Okay… so, soccer then?
Victor: I hate people who do that.
Victor: Evening dear.
Nerissa: Dear. Did you remember to lock our daughter out of the cupboards?
Victor: I just locked her outside entirely. It seemed neater.
Vicki: So I take it you two are married.
Victor: Take it! You can keep it.
Annie: Well, go get ‘er, Aurora! That soccer ain’t gonna play itself!
Victor: I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE CHEATED ON ME
Victor: What? No! My favourite prostitute.
Brooke Bendett: Full name.
Vicki: Victory Brianna Enriquez.
Brooke: You’re joking, right.
Vicki: Well it’s not my joke, anyway.
Nawwaf: Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this straight.
Nerissa: Don’t use gay-shaming language.
Nawwaf: …so what you did there, is that an incarcerable offense?
Brooke: Says here you’re wanted for… the murder of eight Sims. That about right?
Vicki: They were mostly Townies, if that matters.
William: My rope broke 🙁
Brooke: Tell me if these names sound familiar. Laci Phelps?
Vicki: Kicked my garbage can.
Brooke: Ember Fox?
Vicki: Rang my doorbell.
Brooke: Ian Perry?
Vicki: Dated my husband’s ex-wife.
Brooke: Colin Larrea?
Vicki: Saw me kill Ian.
Brooke: Sunny McCullough?
Vicki: Saw me kill Colin.
Brooke: Alan Warner?
Vicki: Saw me kill Sunny.
Brooke: Brooke Stratton? Hey, I’m a Brooke too!
Vicki: Maid. It didn’t work out.
Brooke: Harsh. Kennedy Colin?
Vicki: We disagreed about the maid.
Brooke: Put her in a cell with really thick bars, please, sir.
Victor: I’m gonna have to axe you to follow me! AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Vicki: You’re an idiot and your wife hates you.
Contessa Lucy: I CAN’T EVEN SEE THE NIGHT WITH BINOCULARS
So it’s true what they say about cops and prostitutes!
Brooke: Is that the daily log book, sir?
Victor: I like to think of it as my personal diary.
Brooke: …but is it, sir?
William: Well hello there, little lady!
Uma: You know DAMN WELL why I’m still little!
Aurora: This can’t be right. She doesn’t look like she’s having fun…
Victor: MY WIFE HATES ME AND THUGS BEAT ME UP
Brooke: So you’re gonna take it out on-
Victor: SO I’M GONNA TAKE IT OUT ON MY MEN AND MY PRISONERS YES
Annie: Whoa! Governor Sharpe!
William: At ease, Bear. Go back to sleep.
Ricky Jalowitz: WHAT.
William: Don’t mind me.
Annie: What? Is something happening behind me? What?
Vicki: What. Are you doing.
William: Peeing! Not pooing.
Vicki: You’re such a charmer, Bill.
Nerissa: He is, isn’t he?
Nerissa: I THOUGHT HE WAS MY CHARMER
William: Wow, you hit hard for a girl. Were you always-
Vicki: Please leave my cell before you finish that thought.
William: I was just gonna accuse her of being a man, what’s the big deal?
Tish Raha: Got that report for me yet, Jalowitz?
Ricky: DON’T LOOK AT MY DIARY
Vicki: Wish he’d learn to govern his aim a bit better.
Nerissa: I CAN’T BELIEVE HE BETRAYED ME
He’s William Sharpe.
He once had sex with an entire university.
Nerissa: BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE SPECIAL
Victor: Brooke, I don’t know how to get the screen saver to stop.
Brooke: This stall is occupied!
Victor: Oh, Clarissa, how I love you!
Nerissa: So, how does this work? Do I just scribble in any old book or what?
Nawwaf: NO GIRLS ALLOWED
Tish: No BOYS allowed!
Nerissa: It’s hot how stupid all this is.
Ricky: I like your necklace.
Nawwaf: I like that he likes your necklace.
Aurora: So if the prisoners try to escape, or if someone breaks into the courtroom, we’re supposed to clobber them, right?
Annie: You might need to think of a better term to use in your post-action report, but yes, that’s essentially the idea.
Nerissa: Look at that. You can tell he does his squats daily.
Aurora: Do we need to use guns? Or can we try non-lethal methods? Like baseballs.
Penny: Still hangin’ on to that last brain cell, huh ‘rory?
Victor: Nice to meet you, son.
Ricky: I’ve worked here for decades.
Victor: Yeah, well I drink a lot.
Cops! Feared denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!
Annie: You can use a tennis raquette on them if it floats your boat, just get the job done!
Brooke: Gosh, I hope someone does break in, that sounds fun.
Nerissa: Look, why can’t we talk about this?
Victor: Because when you say “this” you always mean ME.
Nawwaf: Well now pretty miss Chief, sounds like there’s a little bit of trouble in lil’ ol’ paradise.
Victor: Where’s the gun lockup?
Nerissa: Tell me more, detective! Your yearly review is coming up.
Nawwaf: That’s not the only thing coming up.
Victor: I’m going to kill them both with your help, Clarissa.
Nawwaf: Boss, please. You know Clarissa likes me better.
Nerissa and Brooke: GIRL POWER!
Nawwaf: Is inferior!
Aurora: What if, like, we get a really hot prisoner? Are we allowed to bang ’em?
Vicki: Half this neighbourhood is girls named Brooke.
Vicki: Oh, good. Magic mac n’ cheese.
Vicki: Tastes like taxpayer money! Literally. Literally tastes like money. Paper money.
Tish: What’s so great about Penny? Just ‘cuz she’s a playable don’t make her better than us.
You’re also stupid and ugly, though.
Tish: Oh, alright, legit.
Nerissa: What an anatomically explicit suggestion!
Penny: Whose turn was it to remember Chief Cwik’s prescription for today?
Victor: I bet it was Ricky’s.
Brooke: Boo Ricky! Last time you forgot, Chief made us alphabetize his porn stash.
Victor: I thought that was a bonding exercise!
Nawwaf: Maybe some of us don’t bond over foot fetishism!
Victor: Don’t talk smack about foots.
Victor: I’m a Chief and I’ll watch whatever porn I want to.
Tish: I should just drown him in this stuff.
Victor: Psst I hear Ricky Jalowitz has a one-inch cock!
Ricky: That’s me though, boss. I think you meant to tell someone else.
Victor: Oh HAHAHAHA my bad. Haven’t been right in the head since I lost that fight to an enormous biker gang.
Ricky: HAHAHA that definitely happened.
Nerissa: I CAN’T EAT MY EMPTY BOWL ON A SITTING JUMPROPE
I think both Chiefs missed their meds today.
Penny: It’s so hot what an idiot Ricky is.
Penny: And I love what a shameless filthy slut Nawwaf can be.
Nawwaf: I heard all that, you know.
Penny: Of course you did! It was complimentary.
Penny: I’m going to die alone.
Ricky: Let’s make a suicide pact.
Vicki: If only Neil could see me now.
He’d have a zombie boner.
Brooke: This looks wrong. This is wrong, right?
Ricky: Somebody remember to buy a lock for this thing tomorrow.
Brooke: Does she think this is one-way glass or something?
Nerissa: See? It’s so thrilling!
Tish: Is this some weird new club I should know about?
William: Hey Uma, look! When you’re the governor you can invade people’s personal space, and they’ll just take it!
Jack: I can see individual follicles.
Nerissa: Is that a flak jacket?
Tish: Of course, why?
Nerissa: ‘cuz you’re about to take some FLACK
Nerissa: AHAHAHAHAHA FLACK WHACK!
Penny: help the mindvirus has me
Mrs. Crumplebottom: In my day we didn’t have fancy-smancy police. Herds of wild wolves served us just fine. Nature’s justice was good enough for me, and my father, and his father before him! They’d still be here today if they hadn’t let those bite wounds fester.
Annie: I’m beginning to think we don’t actually do anything here.
Look out! It’s an onrushing wall of blue death!
Brooke: This has gotten out of hand.
Tish: What the fuck is any of this.
Vicki: I could be more confident about this place.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: grumble grumble Mexicans grumble grumble
Make the SimNation Great Again.
Felicia: Don’t mind her, she’s old and stupid.
This is the secret room where I have a chef making prison food.
He’s been eating a dish of it every time, and now he’s fat.
You were never supposed to see him.
But I love subverting my own intentions, so.
Penny: Sure are a lot of people hanging around out there.
Nawwaf: It’s because we’re on a community lot. Should have made it residential, I told ’em.
Nerissa: I could get used to this.
Nicholas: Haven’t you done enough damage already?
Nicholas: Braiiiins… braiiiiiins!
Nerissa: Over here, Nick!
Nawwaf: We need to get a webcam.
Hard at work.
Tish: Centreborough Police Department, SWAT Sergeant Patricia Leive, how may I inexplicably shoot you? Oops, shit, just a sec, my leg fused with the desk again.
Tish: Look, that sounds like a lot of work, and we’re all a bit gun-shy lately, so handle it yourself. If it was black people or Mexicans we’d show up in force, but I’m not getting shot just to catch a few white rapists. Blue lives matter!
Nicholas is the Night Chief.
You don’t want to be around when the Night Chief’s around.
Brooke: Uh BRAINS BRAINS DON’T EAT ME
Nicholas: Who’s that foxy new zombie?!
Victor: You’re in early tonight, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, well, you’d live for your work too if people shot at you every time you tried to go anywhere else.
Victor: Gotta clear out, ladies, Night Chief’s here.
Penny: Are we seriously letting a zombie roam through the office at night?
Victor: Makes prisoners escaping a whole lot less likely!
Victor: And anyway, have a heart. Poor ol’ Nick’s just got a condition, is all. It’s not his fault how communicable it is.
Brooke: It’s not his fault he’s always trying to eat people?
Tish: I like to think it’s his way of showing affection.
Aurora: I like to not think about him at all because he makes me sad.
Penny: You’re on phones now, Nawwaf.
Nawwaf: How did I get two shifts in a row?!
Penny: Because you’re an asshole and nobody likes you.
Annie: I just realized I don’t have a home to go to.
Nawwaf: Centreborough Police, how may I care?
Nawwaf: Hey Chief Cwik! Either one! Someone on the phone wants HEYYYY dammit not the desk leg thing again!
Nawwaf: So this is how I die.
Nerissa: Try not to eat Nawwaf, okay?
Nicholas: He could at least try not to get stuck on the geometry.
Nerissa: Oh, hello Mr. Rodriguez! Someone rustled your cattle again? I’m sorry, but I do have to remind you that YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING COWBOY
Nawwaf: Are these panes thick enough to stop you? Like, if you were really hungry or something?
Nicholas: I wouldn’t tell you if they weren’t, because I’d like to keep my options open in case SOMEONE forgets to leave my rabbit carcasses in the fridge again.
Nawwaf: That was ONE TIME and you KNOW how much I hate shopping at Farmer McGregor’s Market!
Ricky: I so fine.
Nerissa: Why are people still milling around out there?!
Nicholas: They’re idiots.
Nerissa: Yeah, I know.
Vicki: Jailor! JAILOR! I demand ablutions!
Nawwaf: That had better be a sex thing.
The station doors, interestingly enough, are locked on both the inside and the outside at night.
Also WTF. You can see a tank top under his uniform.
How long have I missed that?!
Nawwaf: So you’re saying you need to use the shower, yeah?
Vicki: Wow, you guys have showers in this medieval prison? I expected a wooden wash basin.
Nawwaf: Nah, we’re much more civilized than that.
Nawwaf: Say hello to my new desktop wallpaper!
Nawwaf: These are strictly for record purposes, of course.
Nawwaf: Except this one. This one’s for jacking off.
Nerissa: You’d better not be lurking out there, Nicholas.
Nerissa: You know I’ll dock your rabbit quota for lurking, Nicholas!
Nawwaf: Nicholas looks hungry.
Nerissa: That reminds me! At the last budget meeting we decided that everyone below Chief rank is worth point five Chiefs each. So if he needs to eat you to survive, you know how the numbers shake out. Do your duty.
Nerissa: …or you know what, there are other things you could do.
Nicholas: Oh, I love window shopping.
Are you sure this is the right time and place for that?
Nicholas: I have too much self-respect to go for something this easy.
Nawwaf: I don’t!
Nicholas: Good, nobody did the crossword yet.
Vicki: I’ve never felt so filthy after a shower before.
Nawwaf: I have no idea what I’m doing.
Count Alon: Aww, blehhhh!
Nerissa: Ugh, we’ve got vampires hanging out by the porchlight again.
Nawwaf: Can’t sleep either?
Nerissa: Why are we even trying?
Nawwaf: Yeah, we’re really shitty cops.
Nerissa: So, why not be really shitty cops together?
Nerissa: My husband isn’t half the man you are.
Nawwaf: I’ve always thought so!
Nerissa: I’ve been watching you for a long time, lieutenant.
Nawwaf: Yeah, I’ve seen your noseprints on my windowpane.
Nawwaf: Jump cut!
Nawwaf: JUMP CUT
Nawwaf: How’s that feel?
Nerissa: Like you haven’t stuck it in yet. What are you doing, playing hot dog with my ass cheeks?
Nawwaf: Hot dog?! Sausage at least.
Nerissa: Mmm. Okay, I’ll put Ricky on frozen rabbit duty.
Nawwaf: I like this place.
Nerissa: …you’re done?
Nawwaf: It was getting repetitive.
Nawwaf: So… you just gonna stand there naked?
Nerissa: This is the part every night where I try to wake up from the unending nightmare that is my life.
Nerissa: And this is the part where I talk smack about nobody special.
Nawwaf: I think I know which part this is.
Nawwaf: NOW who’s playing hot dog?!
Nerissa: Abuse of power! Achievement unlocked.
Nawwaf: Yeah, I think we need to talk to HR about this.
Vicki: I wonder if they built the jail just to keep all of them inside.
Nawwaf: Dammit Nerissa! You made me late for my vice squad shift!
Vicki: Instant meal, huh? Guess they fired the secret chef.
Emmy: Kill me.
Police headquarters: the perfect place for suspicious binoculars!
Next time: a new year dawns, with the plot finally in motion.
Let’s hope it’s a quick motion.