The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 205

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Chapter chapter who’s got the chapter I’ve got the chapter now you do too.

Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…

They still print newspapers somewhere, right?

The best thing about SC2000 DOS was how its newspaper articles would just bleed into infinity and leave you wondering what 45 out of 3 ant-ranchers were surveyed about.


Pictured: three Sims, one corpse, and one placeholder.

Kent: I think you might have been a bit premature with that “corpse” thing.

Lewis: Holy shit! What’s that banging noise?!
Lance: Is somebody banging in our house AND IT ISN’T ME?!

This one is Lewis.

Lewis: They knew that!

No, they didn’t.

Why’re you still up here?

Lance: Because I think I know what that noise was, and I don’t want to see if I’m right.

Lance: DID YOU YANK ME DOWN HERE

I’ll never tell.

Lance: Alright, who forgot to check for a pulse?

Lewis: Lyndsey, this isn’t what it looks like.
Lyndsey: The pufferfish says pfffff.

Lance: I know! I’ll be right back!
Kent: Can someone turn down the oxygen in here? It’s a bit much, you know, after.

Lance: Alright, mom or other dead butler! Either way, it’s time to help your beloved ragamuffins!

Lewis: What’s he doing?
Lyndsey: The… The… …says…
Lewis: No animal sounds like a shrug, right?

Lance: Alright, zombie scum!
Kent: I’m not a zombie, I’m just out of breath.
Lance: Out of breath and out of time, zombie scum!

CRASH

Lance: EAT HOT URN BUTLER
Lewis: What the fuck?!
Lyndsey: THE GOAT SAYS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lewis: Did you just put porcelain in his brain?!
Lance: Pff. More like stoneware.
Lyndsey: The pig says SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE
Lance: WELL TELL IT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP THEN

Lance: You are dead now, right? I only have so many urns.

Kent: Boo urns!

Lewis: You murdered a dude, man!
Lance: YOU DID IT FIRST

Kent: nobody call a doctor or anything thanks

The Grim Reaper: PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME FROM THAT ANGLE.

Lewis: What the fuck, Lance!
Lance: It was either the urn or our stuff, and I like our stuff.

Lewis: Look at me, I’m a fuckin’ idiot, watch me kill the butler!
Lance: But you didn’t, did you oh I see what you meant.

Lewis: Good ol’ Leap of Logic Lance, throw urns first and ask questions later.

Lewis: I can’t wait to tell everyone my brother is a bona-fide murderer, that’ll get great traction on the playground.

Lance: YEAH ABOUT THAT

Lance: WHAT A CONVENIENT HOLE

Lance: Why you gotta make me do this, bro? That’s how I’m choosing to interpret what’s happening here.

Lyndsey: The parents say BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Lance: I REMAIN BLAMELESS

Lance: ANYBODY ELSE WOULDA DONE THE SAME

Lance: I DANCE ON YOUR PREMATURE GRAVE, LITTLE MAN!

Lance: Are you there, or what?

Lance: Now Lyndsey, I don’t know if you saw what happened, but there’s no reason to call the cops or anything.
Lyndsey: The cash register goes ka-ching!
Lance: You expect me to bribe you? And also there’s no way that Speak-and-Spell had cash registers on it.

Lyndsey: The cop goes BANG BANG BANG
Lance: You make a persuasive point!

Lance: Alright, I owe you one.
Lyndsey: The giraffe says hmmm.
Lance: Alright, I owe you more than one. And anyway I didn’t know giraffes made noises.

Lyndsey: The crow says AW! AW!
Lance: Yeah, this is a real heartwarming moment we’re having.

Lance: So… you’re clear on the whole “Lewis is dead” thing, though, right?

Lance: …right?

Lance: This must be something unrelated, he wasn’t that great.

Lance: I’ll leave you and your animal noises alone for a bit.

Lyndsey: The raccoon says whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Kids adjust quickly.

Lance: Who’s got two beds now? This guy.

Lance: A home bed and a vacation bed.

Lance: Whatever this is… is mine now…

Lance: I don’t gotta take turns to sit in the awful chair…

Lance: LIFE’S PRETTY GOOD

Lance: I wonder if that’s worth anything.

The Lewis says “zzz.”

The Michael goes away.

If it knows what’s good for it.

Lewis: So hey, at least I have standing room.

Lewis: And, y’know, all the stanky death dirt I can… whatever…

Lewis: Also I think I broke my neck?

Lewis: Mflw? Mf dr rnybrdy rb drr?

Lance: They called me crazy when I demanded insulated floors.

Lewis: RLWWWWW

Lyndsey: The wolf says HUFFFF! PUFFFFFFFFF!
Lance: Does that mean you know how to read?

Pot is an essential part of the grieving process.

Lance: Maybe I can let my unconscious solve this.

Why can kids use this thing…

Lyndsey: SOCCER!

UGH. Her first non-Speak-and-Spell word, and it’s American English.

Lance: Sports! People like ’em!

Lance: He’s got to be dead already, right?

Why? You’re not going to open it up either way, are you?

Lance: I don’t know if I can live with Schrödinger’s brother indefinitely…

Lyndsey: The parrot says WHEW!

Lewis: Maybe some of this dirt is oxygenated. I don’t KNOW it isn’t!

Lewis: I could try running through the wall like those guys in The Men Who Stare At Goats…

Lewis: Or I could pee myself and die, good point!

Lewis: CURSE YOOOOOU LANCE

Yeah! You accursed child you!

Lewis: DON’T CAPTION MY DEATH WITH HARRY POTTER JOKES

Who’s that slitherin’ through the floorboards?

Lewis: FUCK… YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU

Lewis: At least my urn won’t be lonely.

Oh just die already!

Lewis: Spread my ashes over Lance’s cereal.

But who has that kind of time?

The Grim Reaper: ACCESS IS BECOMING A REAL ISSUE HERE

The Grim Reaper: THAT’S IT, WIDE BEAM. IF WE CATCH ANYONE ELSE BY MISTAKE, OH WELL.

And this is how Lora’s clothes went to heaven.

Someone needs to explain the science of this to me.

If you try really hard you can pretend they’re fat, round-headed little men waving their stubby arms in glee!

Instead of a dead old man and a dead kid, in tiny little pieces.

Lance: Man, that fucker took up most of the episode! Selfish!

Lance: I’m glad you’re dead, you were a real camera hog.

Lance: I SAID I’M GLAD DAMMIT

Lyndsey: The hippo… no… wait. The… the fuckin’ Lyndsey is tired of this shit and spontaneously learns to SPEAK.

Lance: And so our last good household joke dies.

Lance: And also those other jerks.

Lyndsey: Mornin’!
Lance: Since when can you speak Simlish?
Lyndsey: The bull says snrrrk.

Lance: Lewis won’t be coming today, he’s under the foundation. I mean the floorboards. I mean the weather.

Jennifer: You had me worried there for a moment!

Next time: brevity is the soul of not taking too much time for something unimportant.

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