The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 203

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Three updates in one day! Roughly.

Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…

Three newspapers in a row!

It’s almost like I’m forcing myself to up the quality factor around here.

Almost.


Pictured: a mistake I won’t fix for another five hundred chapters.

Nick: Well we all make mistakes.

Medicine Cabinet: Ain’t that the truth.

“Cecilia”: So this happened.

Whunk.

“Cecilia”: SHITSHITSHIT

And now we know how.

“Cecilia”: I bet this is a black man’s fault somehow.

“Cecilia”: OH WHAT THE FUCK

We’re starting again. Don’t make yourself sound racist this time.

“Cecilia”: I thought we’d established that there’s no racism in this universe.

Yes, and we need to keep establishing it so everyone knows how enlightened I am.

Because I’m a liberal person and having everyone know how liberal I am is important to me.

And that isn’t even a joke.

“Cecilia”: You got problems man.

Vicki: Not as many as I got, but still.

Vicki: Are you happy you don’t have to quotate my name anymore?

I’ll be happy when ALL the quotated names are gone.

Some time around Chapter 800 I think.

Vicki: So hey, bad news.

Nick: I always knew you were somebody cool, mom.

Vicki: Aww, thanks little man! Um, but serial killers aren’t cool. Don’t be a serial killer.

Vicki: Please don’t be a serial killer.

Vicki: Some bad people messed with my head and made me do it.
Nick: Hey lady, I’ll quote any alibi you give me!

Vicki: That child makes me feel filthy.

Nerissa: I’d feel better with a gun drawn.
William: Yes, let’s go aggressively into the serial killer den, you’re SO right.

William: Christ it’s a good thing you’re hot.

William: Hey Vick! I’ve got your paper! And your sister. And a cop but she hasn’t drawn a gun! And if she has you can axe murder her, I won’t tell.
Nerissa: Hey man, thanks.

Vicki: I have a sister?
William: That’s what I said, but I was kinda hoping you’d know at least.

William: Okay, don’t you fuckers have a table or something

Vicki: Oh Mr. Sharpe, please take me into custody!
Nick: Geez mom.

William: No, it’s cool, I’ll roleplay.

William: Everything’s settled. Your sister will take care of the brats.
Vicki: Still don’t remember having a sister.
William: But you’re not challenging the “brats” part, I notice.

Vicki: This is a terrible picture.

Vicki: Alright, I trust you. If you say I have a sister, I have a sister.
William: That is a lot less comforting than what I expected you to say.

William: So hey, this is Valerie? Your sister? Maybe?

William: I hope?

Valerie: It’s like looking into a mirror!
Vicki: And seeing that I need glasses apparently.

Valerie: Mr. Sharpe found me in the phonebook and figured we might be related.
Vicki: Great?
Valerie: I have convenient amnesia about my childhood so we’re definitely sisters.

Valerie: Please be cool with this.

Valerie: Oh, wow! Our tits are even the same.

Valerie: You are fucking weird sister.
William: THE FUCK IS MY BODY DOING.

William: So yay, the next twenty years.

Valerie: Nick! Come see your aunt Valerie!
William: He’s gonna have to see you later anyway, don’t torture the boy.

William: I was just kidding for Vicki’s sake. You are one hot sister, Val.

William: You and I can just act like you’re Vicki!
Valerie: Why do I get the feeling that arrangement would benefit us unequally?

Valerie: Oh fuck wait, WILLIAM SHARPE just propositioned me, never mind YES, I’m totally in.

Valerie: Hello there little man!
Nick: That sounds stupid coming from your face.

Nick: Even though it is a horrifically familiar face.

Vicki: I’m not happy with this.
Nerissa: Oh, but you WERE happy being a fugitive from JUSTICE, huh? Whore.

Nick: We got off to a rocky start there. You’ll need to buy me lots of stuff to salvage the relationship.
Valerie: Hey, it’s not my money!

Valerie: Let’s buy a yacht.

William: If you’re wondering, no, I haven’t kissed her yet.
Vicki: But you’re gonna.
William: Vicki, we both know I’m eventually gonna kiss everyone.

Valerie: I’m a doctor in the big city!
Nick: What big city?
Valerie: That’s a term for a large urban area.
Nick: And if I were three it would be a sufficient explanation!

Nick: So which hospital do you work at? What’s your supervisor’s name? And what kind of dirt can I dig up on you?

Uh oh, the Big Yellow Taxi is here.

William: We’ve got things covered here, Vick.
Vicki: I’m sure you’ll get them under the covers too, mhmm.

Vicki: Be good, kid.
Nick: I dunno, the genetics aren’t promising.

William: It is so hot how much you look like her.
Valerie: And BOY is that ever a compliment in your head.

Nerissa: If I see any axes on you, it’s a one-way trip to forehead bullet town.
Vicki: That’s fine, I have a doctor in the family APPARENTLY.

Vicki: Oh, shit.
Nerissa: Please tell me your axes are in a safe place.
Vicki: As long as it’s safe under my bed.

Valerie: So, what do you wanna do?
Nick: In regards to you? Not a lot!

Nick: Go mack on my brother if you have to.
Valerie: Wait, your brother?
Nick: Yeah, apparently I was conceived like fifty years ago. It’s a long story and you’ll probably be a short-term resident, so I’m not gonna bother enlightening you.

Nick: I’m vaguely foreshadowing your death.
Valerie: It wasn’t really all that vague.

Valerie: Maybe this is one of those stories where a character leaves and gets permanently replaced with their identical twin!
Nick: Yeah, ‘cuz Beerfest is a great standard to aspire to.

Nick: FUCK who made me make that reference?!
Valerie: I should paddle you for it.

Valerie: Okay I’m already fed up with you.
Nick: New record!

William: Alright kid, you’d better change your tune fast.
Valerie: MAN what a hot speech balloon joke that was!

William: So yeah, you’re really hot and so am I.

William: Let’s be really even hotter.

Nick: New record.

Valerie: Hey, at least he waited until she was out of the building!
Nick: YEAH THANKS BRO

Vicki: I’m back on the couch.

Cool. Yay continuity.

I call it the Valeriedictorium.

Valerie: Nobody will ever say that word again.

Nick: Man, FUCK William.
Valerie: I’m on it!

William: When is this documentary airing again?

Nick: So I was thinking we could move Samantha into this fancy can crib. I think she’d really like that WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Nick: She’s already ignoring me like a pro.

Nick: Wait, did we just walk here?!
Valerie: Maybe there was a bus. Use your imagination dammit!

Valerie: QUICK STOP USING YOUR IMAGINATION

Nick: Toooooo late.

Valerie: She’s much too old for you.
Nick: Yeah, and Bill is much too old for her but that didn’t stop him from boinking her on the pool table.

Valerie: Where do you GET these stories from?
Nick: I get them from his kids calling me in the middle of the night crying.

Nick: I hate being an adolescent uncle.
Valerie: I hate you too.

Nick: That wasn’t nice.

Nick: So what the fuck was that trip for?
Valerie: I was gonna buy you a pet, but then I thought wait, hookers and blow!

Valerie: So I’m gonna throw you into the sun.

Nick: SHE SAID JOKINGLY

Nick: Well I’ve got a newfound respect for life, what about YOU, Harold?

William: He is definitely one of dad’s kids.

Nick: Alas, poor Harold.

Nick: I slew him, Horatio!

Valerie: Mumblemumble.

What?

Valerie: I thought you’d want at least one inaudible phone conversation so you can later claim you set up a subplot about my nefarious nature way ahead of time.

Carry on.

Valerie: Anyway YEAH I won’t be in tomorrow, I expect to dislocate my pelvis tonight.

William: This isn’t MINE what am I DOING

Nick: So, do I actually have to live with that painted whore or were we just telling mom that to make her feel better?

William: She’s not a WHORE, she’s your AUNT.
Nick: Aunts can be whores!

Hail to the Chief!

Tyson: Somebody here order a dog?
Valerie: Somebody here remembered adoption is free!

William: NO you may not crush her head with a trophy! Do you even HAVE a trophy?
Nick: No, but I might GET one, and then I’d need to know!

Tyson: Take care of him, lady. He’s a good dog.
Valerie: I won’t intentionally kill him.
Tyson: That’s better than most people.

Chief: .oO(Just so we’re clear, I’m probably going to eat you at some point.)

Chief: .oO(I’m so glad we got that settled ahead of time.)

Nick: Oh wow, somebody else’s used doggie! How wonderful.
Chief: .oO(Good news lipstick lady! Somebody’s passed you on the eating list.)

Valerie: What do you eat? And don’t tell me I need to lactate you something.

William: Make sure he’s only nipping you!
Nick: What do I do if he really bites?
William: Scream?

William: SPEAKING OF SCREAMING

That would be a good Chronicles anthology title.

Nick: Wow! Some of your hairs are actually modelled! I thought I sensed a lag spike when you showed up!

Valerie: I don’t know what’s in this. I hope it’s not poison.

I didn’t know they made Addams Family doghouses.

William: So, getting settled in?
Valerie: YES we’re gonna fuck, just give me a few minutes!

William: You speak the language of romance, lady.

Valerie: You’d better not shout out her name when we do it.
William: I probably won’t, I only just learned it.

Valerie: Think of it this way – it’s like banging Vicki, only WITHOUT also getting sloppy seconds from your DAD.

William: Sorry, I blocked out everything but your tits as a defense mechanism. What gross shit were you saying?

William: I’m sure it wasn’t important anyway.

William: So yeah, let’s be discreet about this.
Valerie: Why?
William: Because almost nobody in our family isn’t capable of murder, and Nick might know where his mom keeps her axes.

William: Oh wait, I was talking about a zombie I killed.
Valerie: I bet he goes back and rewrites the dialogue.
William: I bet he doesn’t.

William: Eh? Eh?
Valerie: Good call!

William: Alright, Captain Sparkles is tearing up my underwear, let’s get this show on your back!

Valerie: What about the baby?
William: EW! I’m not having sex with a BABY!

Next time: the rest of this time, obviously.

Valerie: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT

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