The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 199

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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This journal last updated… like, a day ago!


Stephen: Ever know you’re doing something wrong, but do it anyway ‘cuz it feels so good?

Yeah.

Stephen: Alright guys, let’s get those bridal pictures taken!

Stephen: Among other things I’ll be taking.

Stephen: Yeah honey! You tell that invisible audience.

Tosha Go: Can I pretend you’re my parents?

Stewart: Alright, Margaret. Did you bring the dress?
Margaret: What do you think is padding out my bra?

Margaret: This doorway is filthy.

Margaret: Oh! Speaking of filthy!

Stephen: You have no idea.

Stewart: And you’d better not be getting any ideas either.

Stephen: You wound me!
Stewart: No, but I will.

Stephen: Anyway, this commission is on the house.

Stephen: Say! You wouldn’t be interested in posing for some photos, would you?
Sandy: Only if that’s a thinly-veiled metaphor for sex!
Stephen: Shhh! Not in front of the client’s husband!

Stewart: Oh god, you’re rehearsing for an anti-abortion debate?

Stephen: Turn around. It’s important that you be really relaxed for this.
Margaret: I don’t see how turning around will help that.

Margaret: …I am always willing to be proven wrong.

Margaret: Wow! Your hands are like magic!
Stephen: Every real artist is good with their hands.

Margaret: I’M GLAD WE DECIDED TO SHOP LOCAL

Margaret: Now, I want this to be tasteful.
Stephen: Tasteful. Yes.
Margaret: But I want to look pretty.
Stephen: Pretty! Yes.
Margaret: And I want to know why I’m holding your hand suddenly.

Stephen: Whoops, that’s me! Left the ol’ animal magnetism on.

Stephen: What say we head inside and see what happens?
Margaret: Yes.
Stephen: In terms of photography, I mean.
Margaret: Yes. That too.

Stephen: Stewart happy hanging around here?
Margaret: Who cares?

Margaret: I certainly don’t want him there. We’re looking for a really intimate portrait.
Stephen: I can do intimate.

Margaret: I have no doubts.

Margaret: Alright, enough foreplay. Let’s consummate this economic relationship!

Stephen: Would it ruin the mood if I admitted to locking myself out?

Xavier: Who you talkin’ to, mom?
Ember: Imaginary people.
Stewart: You mean you’re imagining talking to real people, right?
Ember: No. They might think they’re real people, but they’re only imagining it. And hey, speaking of aborti-

NOT SPEAKING OF THAT

This is gonna objectify women enough without opening that up.

Stephen: If nightmares have taught me anything, it’s that running fast is a good alternative to being stealthy!

Ember: Did you hear something right now?
Stewart: Maybe, but it was either running too fast or really stealthy.

Stephen: So I’m really glad we could make a date today. For your photos. A photo-date.

Margaret: Uh-huh.

Margaret: Don’t call it a “date.” I hate dates. They taste like shoe.

Margaret: I think. I’ve never had one. But that’s how they look.

Margaret: But I’ve never seen one either.

Stephen: I see many things.
Margaret: Yeah, my dress does that.

Margaret: Think of it as a teaser trailer.

Margaret: ‘cuz I aim to tease.

Margaret: So! Let’s get it on! I mean, let’s get it on! I mean let’s get on with it?
Stephen: I don’t think you do!

Margaret: I hope your camera can handle this much woman.
Stephen: Oh, I brought a wide lens.

Margaret: Good, we’ll need some nice ass shots too.

Stephen: Was that a euphemism for-
Margaret: NO ANAL

EVER

EXCEPT IF GAYS

WE’RE OFF TOPIC NOW

Stephen: And it is one hot topic, let me tell you!

Xavier: And then my daddy and my mommy took a trip!
Stewart: I remember that! I think. He was cheating on my mom! Was I alive yet? I don’t know!

See how cleverly I’ve learned to disguise my own forgetfulness?

Just pass your flaws on to your characters!

George R.R. Martin does.

Margaret: So, where did you go to photography college?
Stephen: Is that a real thing? I sure hope that’s not a real thing.

Margaret: I thought you were qualified!
Stephen: I am! Nobody looks at women as much as I do!

Margaret: Fada soola gor!
Stephen: Don’t make me do this.

Margaret: Fada soola bron!
Stephen: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT CHEERLEADING DOES TO ME

Margaret: VADA
Stephen: STOP
Margaret: VABY
Stephen: PLEASE STOP
Margaret: OBA
Stephen: I DON’T EVEN SPEAK SIMLISH

Margaret: Vaba…

Margaret: Gonk…

Margaret: Gonk?

Stephen: GONK

Stephen: Voooooooo GERBITZ!

Margaret: …!

Stewart: Hey, you went to MNU, didn’t you? How does that cheer go?
Ember: I don’t know, because I’m not a whore.

Stewart:Margaret knows it…

Margaret: Oh! Oh! Oh! OH!

Wren: It’s like my own personal metronome!

Margaret: Wow, you guys have similar dicks!
Stephen: He’s a dick off the ol’ dickblock, that’s for sure!

Stewart: Hey, you’ve got no metronome! How are you keeping time?
Wren: Keen, very keen hearing.

Stephen: Anyways, how are you guys?
Margaret: Pretty oof good!
Stephen: Spending enough time together?
Margaret: OHHHHH yeah, we definitely are.

Margaret: I think… mmm.
Stephen: What?
Margaret: What?
Stephen: You said “I think”?
Margaret: Oh! Right, yeah. I think him and me are forever.

Margaret: I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO JOINING THIS FAMILY

Stephen: Yes. Joining.

Stephen: Joining is good.

Xavier: I hereby open this meeting of the Tipis by a Reflecting Pool Club!

Stephen: I hereby open these legs.

Wren: Aww, poor Stewart!
Stewart: Why? I’m fine!
Wren: Aww, he thinks he’s fine!

Stewart: You’re creepin’ me out, kid.

Margaret: Wow, they even look the same!
Stephen: This topic isn’t as awesome for me as it apparently is for you.

Margaret: Well, it’s about to be all about you, so shut the fuck up.

Stewart: They sure are taking a long time.
Ember: That’s my Stephen! Nothing but stamina, that one.

Stephen: If you’re just gonna stare at it, I can snap you a pho-

Stephen: -ohOHOHOH

Wait a second.

This looks oddly familiar…

Oh

My

Stewart: GOD I love this cheer!

Ember: Wow, haha! Get out of my face.

Stewart: GERBIIIIIIIITZ
Ember: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH

Margaret: Ready for another round, tiger?
Stephen: Nah, we need to escalate this further. Maybe in your bed? Or, like, at some place that’s really important to you both!
Margaret: You… have an adultery fetish?
Stephen: How did you think I’ve lasted so long around here?

Margaret: Heheh. “Long.”
Stephen: Why thank you.

Stewart: Wow, I love these pictures dad took!

Stephen: Okay, sexiness filter off…
Margaret: What?
Stephen: Oh, you heard that? I just turned the sexiness filter off, so we wouldn’t shatter the lens with too much sexy.

Stephen: Too far?
Margaret: Ohhh yeah.

Stewart: BOO YOU SUCK

Stephen: Here, have a sexy picture of yourself.
Margaret: Which I can’t show to anyone.
Stephen: At least not one person, in particular, right.

Stephen: Whoa there. I was thinking we’d do missionary next.

Margaret: You make me feel special, Stephen.
Stephen: Hey, you’re the one fucking around here!

Stephen: Please tell me this is still you fucking around.

Stephen: You’re already engaged to my son, stupid!

Margaret: I know, that was stupid.

Stephen: I don’t understand.

Stephen: But your hair tastes good.

Stephen: We meet at last, my muse.

Stephen: Well fuck it then, let’s get hitched since we can’t tell anyone anyhow.

Margaret: That’s the sexiest vow ever.

I now pronounce you dumb and dumber.

Stephen: If I’m the dumb one, how come I’ve got the girl?

You’re the dumber one, actually.

See? You’ve been struck dumber!

Stephen: More like I’ve struck paydirt!

Margaret: OH! Right! Your cat died.

Stewart: IT SOUNDS LIKE A CAT DYING

Stephen: So hey, I have a wife.
Margaret: Will she care?
Stephen: What? No! I was just gonna propose a threesome is all.

Depending on who’s in it, I think you have a deal!

Ember: Looks like they’re pulling an all-nighter. Bye!
Stewart: An all-night wedding photography session.
Ember: Bye!

Stewart: Okay! Fuck you too!

Margaret: Fuck me three! For the third time. Fuck me again.

Stewart: Weird! Dad and Margaret have the same clothes.

Stewart:

Stewart: DAD

Stewart: I know you’re in there, asshole! Come out with your clothes on!

Margaret: What if he kicks down the door?
Stephen: Then I buy a new door? What are you, twelve? Please don’t be twelve.

Stewart: I won’t have you manhandling my beautiful wife, dad! I’m the only man who gets to handle those handles! Love handles? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW

Stewart: POWER RANGERS

Margaret: Dammit Stu, you’re spoiling the money shot!

Stewart: I’m not buying this.
Stephen: Of course not, I told you! It’s free!

Margaret: What crawled up your ass and died, mister?
Stewart: LOVE.

Stewart: What an image.

Margaret: Hey, look…
Stewart: I’M MAD ‘CUZ I WANNA, OKAY?!

Margaret: But I didn’t do anything…
Stephen: And god knows she wanted to!

Margaret: Stop helping, Stephen.

Stewart: How could you do this to me?!
Stephen: Yeah, Margaret! Wait, what did you do to him?!

Margaret: Thanks for the close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Margaret: …I haven’t seen that movie.

Oh, it’s from a movie? Neat.

Margaret: Okay, stop, you’re making it weird.

Stewart: Look, I’m sorry, honey. I just got so jealous, thinking of-
Margaret: BLAH BLAH BLAH APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED

Stewart: I can’t believe I didn’t trust you.
Margaret: Yeah, you’re a real jerk aren’t you.

Stewart: Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?
Stephen: This is too fucked up, I’m going to bed.

Stewart: No, wait, dad, I owe you an apology too.
Stephen: Fuuuuuuuck.

Stewart: I know you could never do something like that to me.
Stephen: Umm.
Stewart: Because you know how it would tear me apart inside.
Stephen: Right.
Stewart: And you couldn’t bear to put me through that.
Stephen: Uh-huh.

Stewart: Boy, I’m really glad we got that all out in the open.
Stephen: Yeah, that’s what just happened alright.

Margaret: Good night, my shaggy darling!
Stephen: Sleep tight, my honey-haired dumpling!

Margaret: What?

Margaret: WHAT?

Stewart: You look really nice in that dress.
Margaret: Um.
Stewart: I can’t wait to get married!
Margaret: Right.
Stewart: Because… we’re… getting married, right?
Margaret: Uh-huh.

Margaret: Hey, I’m gonna grab the negatives. I’ll see you at home!
Stewart: Sounds reasonable!

Stewart: I think?

Stewart: Whatever those are?

Margaret: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABY YEAH

Margaret: Pump it like it owes you water!

Margaret: I don’t even know what that means.

Stephen: It means I’m awesome in bed.

As opposed to awesome on bed.

God, I hope this doesn’t turn into a series.

Margaret: We need to keep this a secret.
Stephen: Why? Even when he found out, he was too dumb to find out!

Margaret: Yeah, university really muddles your brain up.

Tell me about it.

Somebody’s inspired!

Stephen: If by “inspired” you mean “aroused,” then yes.

Stephen: Oh-oh-oh, those curves.

Stephen: Mmmmmm…

I’m… gonna leave you alone for a bit.

Ember: Is somebody being sexually weird without me?!

Ember: Tell me it was just a nightmare.

Ember: I wonder if you can have a marriage that’s only open on one end…

Oh, yes, definitely.

Let’s create a documentary trail for this affair, shall we.

Margaret: I’m taking this other document in return.

Margaret: And this one too.

Margaret: And hey, that’s weird.

Margaret: And hey, free bugs.

Or, you know, the real thing is just outside…

Stephen: She’s much more manageable this way.

Ember: All lawyers need a high Logic skill.

For creating airtight cases?

Ember: No, for picking only the winners.

Margaret: IT GLOWS LIKE MY RED-HOT LOVE ONLY GREEN

Yeah, stand out there in the rain like a hobo, you hobo.

Yeah, you see how you hobo.

Yada yada yada are we done here yet?

She is, at least.

Margaret: WHAAAAAAAAT?!

What are the odds?!

Margaret: How could I have known?!

I’m not sure this’ll fix it, honey.

You’re joking.

You are a joke.

Ember: WHO TOUCHED THE AIR OVER THE KIDDIE OVEN

Ember: IT WAS A KIDDIE!

Ember: Who touched nothing?!

Ember: NOBODY?!?!

I like how the final stage just looks like someone rubbed an eraser over a finished painting.

I like how Margaret is apparently a housepet now.

I like how Ember tortures housepets.

That’s some awesome photorealism there, Stevie-boy.

Stephen: If it really was good, it would make you stop calling me that.

Yessiree, yet another Stevie wonder.

Margaret: IS THIS WATER OR PEE

Margaret: Either way it comes off.
Xavier: What are you taking off?!

Xavier: EWW WHO DIED
Wren: IN YOUR CLOTHES

Ember: I do so enjoy our romantic lives together.

Stephen: I wonder if it would count as a threesome if I cloned her.

Margaret: Who wants cheesecake?!

I LOVE CHEESECAKE!

Margaret: Who wants pregnancy?!

NOBODY!

Next time: the big two oh oh.

Expect lots of oh-ohs.

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