The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 197

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

One more for the road.

This journal last updated… today! This is the eighth and final update today. If you haven’t already, get your ass back to Chapter 190 and get crackin’.


Ass crackin’.

Fun fact: the family card can only show ten Sims before truly wacky shit starts happening.

I’ll show you. Eventually.

Andrew: …what am I doing out here in my bathrobe.
FRIDAY: Building an insanity case against yourself?

Andrew: Just describing one day at my job would do that.

Emerson: …this one’s about vampires.
Nathaniel: Grandma was a vampire.
Emerson: Which one?
Angelica: Both of them. Uncle Kyle, too, but he died.
Emerson: Maybe we should look for some non-fiction.

Penny: Yeah. The hair. I know. Can’t fix it.

Penny: Well well well, there’s my sweet BURGLAR HATE
Andrew: It gets you when you least expect it, eh?

Andrew: What say you and I have a day on the town?
Penny: What about the kids?
Andrew: Between the butler and the robot and the bigfoot, there’s at least one cumulative adult here without us.

Andrew: I just want to go somewhere that isn’t full of my genetics.

Penny: Hey! Wait up!
Andrew: I’m right here!

Penny: Ooh, Gateway Park! I’ve never been here.
Andrew: Me either.
Penny: I hear the first people in Pine Valley walked through this gate.
Andrew: Then it’s real convient there were non-people already here to build it, eh?

Joe: Yeah! Kill that cop!
Penny: He’s just tickling me!

Rosemarie: Dammit, the fuzz are all over my best hookin’ hole!

Penny: I’ll give you one more shot at this compliment. Leave out the gas giant reference.

Penny: I AM NOT

Andrew: Shoo, Margaret! This isn’t your update!

Penny: Puns are effective anti-aphrodesiacs.

Margaret: Call me, baby!

Andrew: That one was good.
Penny: Remind me why I left Jerome for you.

Andrew: You didn’t.
Penny: Sure I did! Right after I caught him cheating!
Andrew: He wasn’t cheating. He’d already dumped you.

Andrew: Hey, baby.

Andrew: Are you a pedophile in a toy store? ‘cuz I can’t take my eyes off of you!

Andrew: ‘cuz she’s ugly or something.

Margaret: Nice save.
Andrew: I didn’t even notice the translucent dress.
Margaret: Less nice.

Andrew: I don’t want to fight. She’s cute but you’re smarter.
Penny: You meant to say cuter.

Penny: Well, I find you pretty attractive…

Margaret: Hey, Deborah!
Kennedy: Oh! Deborah!
Glen: Deborah? Where?
Rosemarie: Deborah’s here?
Joe: Who’s the dyke?

Penny: We aren’t gonna walk through the gates?
Andrew: That’s stupid tourist shit, we’re better than that.

Andrew: I can’t believe we’re holding hands!

That’s because you can’t see it from your angle.

Penny: Oh, Andrew… we were made for each other.
Andrew: Maybe you were made for me, lady.

Andrew: I was made to lessen the impact of my older brother’s inevitable death on my parents.

Penny: Actually I lied. I was made for Jerome.
Andrew: That is so hot.

Yeah, all the best serial killers get their kids into private school.

Andrew: Answer correctly and I shall teach you. Which came first – the ninja or the sword?
Penny: The sword. By about three thousand years. And if you say “no” I’ll know you’re full of shit.

Andrew: Okay, but…
Penny: No buts.
Andrew: No, but see, without the ninja… who would wield the sword?
Penny: The fucking Greeks.
Alvin: She’s a keeper!

Andrew: Okay, let’s agree to disagree.
Penny: No? Fuck you?
Andrew: …is it more important to know yourself or to know your enemy?
Penny: Bullshit question. Not creating unnecessary binaries is more important than both of them.

Andrew: Are you sure you aren’t already a ninja?

Andrew: Alright. The secret to teleporting is having a specific flag in your character data.
Penny: What?
Andrew: Okay. It’s set now.
Penny: What?

Andrew: Just do this.
Penny: Is the stupid face important? This is my closest approximation.

Penny: It’s taking all my willpower not to bonk foreheads with you, dwarf-style.

Penny: Oh baby, you are one sexy divorcee!

And then gravity stopped and they fell into space.

Oh. Or they teleported.

That makes marginally more sense.

This, though…

Shane: Yeah, not so much eh.

Andrew: This is the LEAST confusing thing people DO!

Penny: Oooh. After Jerome, every man feels like a porn star.

Andrew: Unnh unnhhhh uh what do you mean “every man.”

Andrew: We are very far away
Penny: And very quiet

Townies, townies, everywhere.

And not a brain to think.

Hey, look who it is! Andrew’s Least Wanted.

Andrew: Wantin’ her less the closer she gets.

Jack: Well well well, look whose fetish niche is getting traction today!

Cameron: His pining for me is subtle, but you can’t say it’s not there.

Andrew: So much tighter than Cameron.

Penny: ‘cuz I was never a zombie!
Andrew: Which is a selling point all on its own!

Andrew: How come your vagina’s invisible?
Penny: Because the Maker has never had sex.

HEY. I resent that.

Penny: Check the date stamp on these pics.


Andrew: You won’t cheat on me the way you cheated with me, will you?
Penny: Blah blah blah don’t ruin the moment.

Andrew: I feel like we’re being watched.
Penny: Um, yeah? There’s an entire OBSERVATION TOWER facing us right now.

Andrew: Then let’s give ’em something to talk about.

Andrew: How about love?

Penny: Yeah, I guess.

In the far distance, a nearly-inaudible voice cries out “now do it in the buuuuttttttt…”

Andrew: And with that, the nudity no longer seems appropriate.

Two rings for the ninjas, born to fly.

None for the dullards in their hall of pool.

One for this dude, don’t know why.

One for the chick who used to be cool.

Cameron: Hey.

In the County of Clover, where the end is nigh.

Andrew: One chick out-cools them all,
Penny: One dude’s appalling.

Andrew leaves early, but Penny is stalling.

In the Valley of Pine, where the end is nigh.


I’m not the only one who’s got rings on the brain, though.

Joe: They don’t sell rings here, you want the sex shop.

Joe: Unless you meant finger rings, in which case oops, nice talking to you.


Brody: …!
Dagmar: What?

Penny: Andrew! Holy shit! The deputy mayor is hot now!

Dagmar: That’s MAYOR to you, officer. And what, a girl can’t dress up?
Joe: It’s just that usually a girl can’t dress up one entire level of hotness.

Why not? Dudes can.

Penny: Can dudes ever.

Penny: Hey, aren’t you that gay kid?
Brody: That’s literally all I am!

Joe: You can have my seat, when you pry it from my cold dead buttocks.
Amar: I would so fap to that.

Amar: Why are you touching me.
Abigail: I’m grounding myself on you so Joe’s raw electrical sexiness doesn’t fry my beautiful brain.

Penny: I’m marrying your son.
Abigail: Have you decided which one?

Penny: The smart one.
Abigail: Oh, they’re all pretty smart. They take after their mother.
Stephen: HEY! I think.

Penny: So… why aren’t you two…
Stephen: She has standards, unfortunately.

Penny: Look. I’m a cop. I have zero lady friends. Can you help me pick out a wedding dress?
Abigail: What about my attire says “possesses good fashion sense”?

Abigail: I’m serious, compliment my science suit.


Penny: I have to go out every once in a while to remind myself why I don’t go out.

Penny: I have to admit I’m feeling insecure about my body just knowing that fucking suit is somewhere behind me.

Penny: At least there won’t be anybody hotter inside.
Dagmar: I could out-hot you without putting on makeup, sweetie. My cold contempt beats your dryer-burned hair carpet any day.

Abigail: Don’t listen to her, Penny. You’ve done a wonderful job with what usable material you’ve been given.

Abigail: That’s it, right there. Give her something to feel good about when she comes out.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: -isn’t exactly Solid Snake-

Abigail: Wow! All the snakes are gonna be solid if you walk down the aisle like that.

Abigail: Assuming you fix your stupid hair first.

Penny: I appreciate your support, Abigail, if that’s somehow what it’s meant to be.

Abigail: I’m serious though. You make it to the church looking that way, and I won’t be able to hold my peace.

Abigail: I’ve got fingernails that look more presentable than your head.


Abigail: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hear to help, not suck your chick dick.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I am going to steal you.

Asia: …is this a burglary?!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Don’t be silly, dear girl! We’re in a business, not a home! This is a robbery.

Abigail: The better this looks, the more you need to deal with the hair issue.

Penny: Do you like this one on me?
Abigail: Let’s just say your hair REALLY DESPERATELY needs fixing right now.

Penny: Still got my figure, even after having a kid!

…are the words a woman would say to piss off every other woman within hearing distance.

Abigail: Some of us are immune to jealousy.
Penny: And a good thing too, ‘cuz half the jealousy in the world is directed towards you.

Penny: Is there a police discount?
Asia: Is that what they call it when they wave their guns at us?

Penny: Alright, little miss critical. Enough about my flaws. Let’s talk about your androgenous ass.

Abigail: I’m incalculably flattered!

Penny: In my headcanon she was very insulted.
Abigail: Have fun not looking as good as someone who’s not even trying!

Penny: …you’re still with me.
Abigail: Dammit. We went out together, so I’m quantum lassoed to you!

Abigail’s not a person.

Abigail’s a song.

Andrew: And yet, to some of us, she’s just “Oh. Great. It’s mom.

Abigail: Nice to see you too, least disappointing son of mine.

Andrew: Hey, you cut your hair!

And she cuts quite a figure, too!


Abigail: Can’t!
Abigail: And yet the power of date rewards compels you!

Penny: A real friend would stop me.
Abigail: Do you have any of those?

Penny: I’m so mad now I can’t breathe.

Andrew: I have this weird feeling I shouldn’t be doing this.

Penny: I’m feeling something similar.

Chelsea: Hey man, congrats on getting married!
Andrew: Um! Thanks? We’re not married yet, though.
Chelsea: Oh, I meant to Cameron. My sister. Grats on that! Should have stuck with it.

Nathaniel: Oh, sure, park your fat white ass right there, why don’t you. ‘cuz we all have x-ray vision over here.


Abigail: She tastes alright on sourdough!

Nathaniel: When I grow up will you teach me how to womanize, Aunt Chelsea?
Chelsea: Sorry kid, I only know how to manize.

Which one’s which?

Anthony and FRIDAY: Who cares?

Chelsea: There’s something unsatisfying about washing your hands next to a shitting person.
Andrew: There’s something even more unsatisfying about shitting through the seat of your pants.

Penny: Watching the aforementioned events might be the least satisfying of all.

Andrew: …you can leave, you know.
Penny: I’m not letting you out of my sight until we’re married.
Andrew: What a promising beginning that is.

Penny: It gets better!

Penny: What do y’all think?
Abigail: It’s Leonard, right?
Andrew: Yep.
Penny: What?

Abigail: That’s his third dead brother’s haircut.

Andrew: It’s not your fault, I have a lot of dead brothers.

Andrew: And Leonard was fourth until recently.

Penny: You guys are a constant reminder that my life is pretty good.
Chelsea: Iceberg right ahead! And to the side! And to the other side! It looks like there’s nowhere for the S.S. Chelsea’s Career to go but backwards or down.

Find a book that isn’t like your family life?

Emerson: No. I mean seriously, look at this. “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.” That’s my mom’s WORK ADDRESS.

Andrew: This is the sweetest-smelling suffocation ever.
Chelsea: I will go so hard down with this ‘ship!

FRIDAY: It’s just that this particular program loop is causing some serious problems.

FRIDAY: Clearly the only solution is to starve them.

FRIDAY: Who’s uncle FRIDAY’s well-magnetized little girl? Is it you? You’d better hope so.

Bethany: .oO(Not everyone gets to write a unique tell-all book.)

Abigail: Finally find something that doesn’t remind you of us?
Emerson: Yeah. The Silmarillion.
Abigail: Because all the characters are gods or elves?
Emerson: No, because they’re all long-lived.
Abigail: Oh, that reminds me. I’m turning one hundred in five years, if anyone wants to plan a party or anything.


Andrew: What’s dad’s number again?

You don’t have it on speed dial?

Andrew: Why would it ever have been urgent to talk to him? “Hurry dad, there’s a woman you haven’t fucked yet outside your house”?

Andrew: That’s great, dad. If you can pry your way out of the neighbourhood vaginas for a few hours, I wouldn’t terribly mind your presence at my wedding.

Andrew: …okay, one hour. Fine.

Penny: You poor thing.

Andrew: Congratulations on WHAT report card?! I graduated like twenty years ago! …I’M THE BEARDED ONE DAMMIT!

Abigail: Who made all those burgers?
Angelica: Let’s just say I’ve overclocked the kiddy oven.

Angelica: The bloodline remains strong.

Amin: I can’t wait to get out of these constricting clothes.

Amin: I got a big raise and bought a tiny plant for you.

Amin: And I found an evil Captain Nemo skulking on the sidewalk.

Andrew: Uh-huh.

Something troubling you?

Penny: You ever feel like someone is secretly awful?

I feel that way about most people.

Wait, no, you said secretly though? Never mind.

I didn’t think butlers need to eat.

Anthony: Oh, we don’t need to. But we’re good agents of entropy.

Agents of entropy or agents of ENTROPY?

Anthony: Was that supposed to be two different things?

Penny: Still not sure about the yellow one.

He’s alright.

Penny: Are you sure?

Well, for starters, I’m sure he’d never refer to another human being as “the yellow one.”

Penny: That reminds me. Need to hire an old woman to watch the hairless one.

Penny: Give me your cheapest old woman!

Penny: No, I don’t care! Honestly, she just needs to be physically on the lot so the Social Worker doesn’t come. God will watch over my baby.


Yeah, I mean, if I wanted to harm the kid, it’s not like you could do anything about it anyway.

Emerson: How come you haven’t eaten anything?
Nathaniel: I don’t think I can bend that far.

Angelica: Dresses! Not always a bad thing.

Andrew: Been a while since I busted out my good suit!
Anthony: I was wondering why it was so painfully out of style, sir!

Penny: It’s bad luck for you to see me!
Andrew: Why? Because it means you’re gonna do your usual snark routine?

Penny: Fine, sure, whatever. Doom our marriage why don’t you.
Andrew: You do realize what neighbourhood this is, right?

Andrew: Also holy shit you clean up nicely. Is a thing I should never have to say to a woman.

Andrew: What’s this?!

I have no record, so we’ll never know.



Penny: It’s been a weird couple of decades.

Penny: But it all turned out fine in the end!


“In the end” she says.

Angelica: This dress is some kind of mistake, right?

Angelica: I’d say “joke” but then it would have to have been funny.

Penny: Ready to make it official, honey?
Andrew: Depends. Is that wild-haired lunatic supposed to be a nanny?
Penny: OH! Nanny! I thought you said ninny.

Angelica: If either of you laugh at this fucking dress, you’ll be eating it.

Amin: Does anyone care what I wear? ‘cuz the dick hangs out, no matter what.

Stinky Skunk: Save me a pew! Or I’ll make my own.

Next time: um, yeah. The wedding.

What else?

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