The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 195

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Yep. Still going.

This journal last updated… today! Five freaking times! What madness is this?! Anyway, read 190-194.


Carolina: You forgot “Siew”!

Rebecca: Let’s all forgets you.

Deborah: I have this weird feeling that my house ought to still be my house.
Shiloh: Luckily nobody asked you.

Shiloh: Hi mom! Glad you’re not dead again.

Penny: Hi sweetie! It’s gonna be really hard kicking this can over in frustration now!
Rebecca: Just leave, someone else will do it.

Penny accidentally reveals herself to be the bearer of Nenya, the Ring of Adamant.

Jerome: …and I’m pretty sure Sauron is supposed to be a formless cloud of malice, not some fucking laser beam lighthouse.

Deborah: I don’t watch Game of Thrones.

Jerome: I’m tempted to smash everything you own for that one.

Vicki: SMASHING IDEA

Jerome: Man, that woman is crazy!

Oh, she’s mellowed quite a bit in recent years.

Deborah: Hahaha wow you’re ugly!

Jerome: At least I’ve got one wow factor, little miss honeyless Cheerios.

Deborah: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Jerome: Why would I do that when I can feed on this argument whilst walking to and from the can all day?

Penny: I’m so bad

Deborah: Hello, police? You have problems.

Deborah: Well maybe you can arrest that chick!

Elle: Even I feel a slight temptation to kick it.

Penny: Hello?
Jerome: If I call the cops on you, do you have to arrest yourself?

Jerome: YES I KNOW IT WAS YOU! YES I CAN SEE PAST THE UNIFORM!

Jerome: …no I don’t think robots are hot? Where the fuck is this coming from.

Jerome: OUT OF MY LIFE KTHXBYE

Jerome: Ah ah ah! Jerome gets the last word!
Penny: I just wanted to apol-
Jerome: JEROME GETS THE LAST WORD PENNY STAYS AN EVIL BITCH

You can stop yelling, the phone’s off now.

Jerome: I NEED TO MAKE SURE

Deborah: Hey, thanks for deciding to pay my phone bill from now on!

Rebecca: Are you trying to hold up a bridge in the distance or something?

Rebecca: WHERE DID ALL THESE PORN RECEIPTS COME FROM

Shiloh: Me! 🙂

Shiloh: …’cuz I am definitely fucked.

Carolina: BABIES HAVIN’ BABIES?!

Carolina: GRRRRRRARARARARRRRGHLLLLLL-oss!

Shiloh: What determines whether or not a chapter devolves into utter nonsense?

Whether or not what’s actually happening is at all interesting.

Jerome: Look. VICKI. We had sex in my car. I know that’s when you broke my handbrake.
Deborah: That is the worst thought balloon joke yet.

Deborah: I’m going to teach you how not to be fail like him.

Rebecca: If we run out of time just tell me how to avoid becoming you.

Shiloh: CHOMP

Rebecca: Look! If I put my hand here, it looks like I’m holding mom’s giant hoverpen!

Vicki: Plotz!

How I’ve missed you.

Hey, hey, watch out there. I hear can-kicking is punishable by axe.

Jerome: Hey, is this Prof. Whatever? I just wanted to let you know I replaced you with a hotter townie.
Carolina: Tell her “hi” for me.
Jerome: Hey! This is a courtesy call, nameless ex-girlfriend! That language is not at all courteous.

Carolina: Do your hands extend? Mine do!

Shiloh: Yup, looks like it.

Nikki Schehl: Dibs on everything.

Yes! This.

Reminds me of the time I was like half a kilometre away from a dead squirrel and felt like I was covered in family-killing bacteria for the rest of the day.

Which reminds me of what unmedicated OCD feels like!

Which is not a great memory.

Jerome: No, I think we’re about done, he’s ranting about his white people problems now.

Shiloh: GOD CHUCKED A BALL AT ME

Shiloh: Is this how Angels in the Outfield starts? I haven’t seen it because I haven’t seen literally every other movie ever first.

Shiloh: Go like this, lady! Catch the second godball! That way I won’t have to share.

Carolina: I’m pretty sure this constitutes a serious abuse of your editing powers.

Jerome: Shit, you’re right! Shazaam is way worse than Angels in the Outfield!

Deborah: I’m just saying, gay mother-daughter duo might actually be marketable!
Rebecca: I’m not going gay just to save you, Deborah.

Rebecca: Also I’mma call you Deborah now like I barely know you or something.

Deborah: I wish I could do the same.

Shiloh: WHAT IS THIS
Carolina: BONDING
Shiloh: I’M NOT INTO IT

Carolina: Your mom’s gone! Toast! Ghoster coaster!
Shiloh: No she’s not! Also what? Ghoster coaster?!

Carolina: You need to make peace with what happened, kid.
Shiloh: What happened is my mom died for no good reason so she immediately came back to life!

Who says TS2 isn’t better than the real world? 🙁

Shiloh: HAHAHA GOD’S SAD.

Carolina: Which is kinda funny.

Shiloh: Your hair is swallowing me.

Carolina: It’s a family thing.

Shiloh: Think you could fit that dork in a suitcase?
Carolina: I’m game if you are!

Patrick: Why you so white, whitey?!

Deborah: Never mind that, why it so dark suddenly?

Shiloh: Oh good, it’s a blockhead convention.

Shiloh: Where everyone’s a few cuts short of a jigsaw.

Vicki: I’m not crazy. If I were crazy, you’d all be part of my statistics by now.

Rebecca: Polite lack of touching!

Rebecca: Precisely five seconds longer. After that it gets weird.

Rebecca: So yeah, Shiloh keeps acting like she’s this special freakin’ snowflake.
Jerome: She gets that from her mother!

Shiloh: I didn’t get much else from her, since she kicked us out of our house.

Jerome: Yrright! R cun frt rll frr fnngrs rn durr!

Jerome: AND NOW MY HANDS ARE CLEAN

Rebecca: Saliva! Nature’s dirty soap.

Carolina: Look, ladies. You need to be like Cameron Price! Really take on a bold new style! Spice up the narrative of your life’s story! Don’t kill so many people, though.

Deborah: Yeah! Cameron Price! Because I want war crimes on my CV!

Shiloh: Who the hell is Cameron Price.

Shiloh: Is she Vincent Price’s wife?

Carolina: Do you even have history class?

Carolina: I’m gonna abolish gym when I’m the minister, too.
Shiloh: I’ll vote for you.

Shiloh: Yeah, pink lady, hangouts are over.

Rebecca: Hold me steady. That way I can put all my energy into foot-crushing!

Shiloh: Everybody else is interacting.
Deborah: EVERYBODY ELSE IS STUPID

Shiloh: Or maybe it’s just you.

Shiloh: How many of us survive to elderhood?

There’s a very real chance that none of you will.

Jerome: I thought I might show you the homework ropes.
Shiloh: Take your homework ropes and hang. I just learned life’s too short for school.

Rebecca: Will you help me with my homework, daddy?
Jerome: I might be a family man, but that doesn’t mean I want Lucaspawn in my family.

Jerome: I’mma stand behind you and judge, all the cool profs do it.

What’s your new scheme? Gonna put up a false mailbox flag?

Too creative, I suppose.

Eventually the entire story is just everybody’s cans getting kicked.

Just like Game of Thrones.

Penny: I still think they under-utilized the elven rings.

Jerome: Ohh baby, that reference is hotter than Glaurung-fire.
Penny: Orodruin my life, honeybunch!

Okay, we’ve dug too greedily and too deep for these references.

Penny: You can’t put that Bilbo back in the Baggins!

Jerome: I am seriously reconsidering you right now.

Jerome: I’m sorry I tried to rule you with a ring.

Penny: I’m sorry I called my vagina and clitoris the “Cracks of Doom.”

Jerome: I’M SORRY NUMENOR FELL INTO THE OCEAN
Penny: You don’t miss me! YOU JUST MISS TOLKIEN!

Carolina: REAL STUFF HAPPENING

Jerome: Hey. My fingers make a spade when I do this.

Carolina: I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIM SPAYED

Penny: Eeugh. After that pun, I can’t even smell the garbage.

Penny: Why am I doing this?

‘CUZ I DON’T NEED NO RINGS TO RULE YOU ALL, BITCHES!

Jerome: Here is bribe money.
Penny: What?
Jerome: Go buy yourself a new life, Penny.

Penny: I was thinking we could make a new start!
Jerome: Two new starts are better than one! By which I mean two separate ones.

Penny: I thought we were having a moment!
Jerome: As much as I appreciate your reading The Silmarillion‘s Wikipedia page, it doesn’t quite outweigh the years of mental cruelty.

Penny: I’m going to SWAT you.

Jerome: I’m glad we could resolve all this.

Vicki: NOT ALL OF IT

Vicki: …wait. Did I just become a minor antagonist to minor protagonists?!

Jerome: Pff. The garbage is a more convincing antagonist than you.

Jerome: So can you stop revenging yourself upon my garbage? I really don’t think it played a major role in your beef with me.

Vicki: And I don’t think your beef roll is very major!
Jerome: This chapter is where wordplay goes to die.

You’d never guess the person who made this had organizational issues.

So you’ve finally devolved to doing porn, huh?

Jerome: I’m starting at a construction firm today!

Oh, shit, are you in character already? Sorry.

Elle: Hey Mr. Newcastle! I didn’t know you could buy retard protection helmets!

Deborah: Survived another one! BAM.

And then the entire world exploded because her hand’s atoms occupied the same space as the bed’s atoms.

PENNY.

IF YOUR EVIL WAS ANY PETTIER YOU’D BE MORGOTH.

Shiloh: MOM! Stop it.

Penny: Morgoth does what Morgoth wants.

Rebecca: Hi Morgoth! Don’t steal our newspaper, please.

Unfortunately, that’s the correct answer to “What would Morgoth do?” in this situation.

Penny: I HATE HIM FOR MAKING ME KNOW THESE REFERENCES

Carolina: Wait… there is no way the next thirty pages is just DINNER CONVERSATION.

Carolina: This is more like The Ring’s Unabridged Travel Diary.

Carolina: AND YET IT’S THE BEST THING EVER

Deborah: Nope! The best thing ever is up next!

Deborah: It’s called Die Another Day.

And you will.

Oh, you will.

Next time: Alvin and the Dipshits.

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