The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 192

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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This journal last updated… today! Twice, even! Read Chapters 190 and 191 first!


We need a classier name for this family.

Something like “Cathouse.”

Andrzej: Boo! Boo! Sexing with cats is forbidden in my country! Cats are only toilet paper.

Andrzej: Sex cat toilet paper would spread disease, filthy SimNationals!
Rosemarie: Alright, time for your shut up fuck Andy.

Emily: Wow, so, you actually do exist? Let me touch you to prove it, I really have my doubts.

Coy: I don’t look that ridiculous.
Emily: You don’t think so? ‘cuz I was just about to speculate that I’m imagining me.

Kendra: Hey jerk! I bet nobody’s jerked you off since I jerked you off!

Kendra: Not that I’m really into it, but hey. Bills.

Coy: See baby? I’m real.
Emily: Don’t be coy.
Coy: But that’s all I am!
Emily: Then don’t be.

Rosemarie: REMEMBER THE PEOPLE WE KNEW AT UNIVERSITY?!

That’s all my university friends ever want to talk about.

Rosemarie: Remember how we were in constant danger of burning to death?!

Says the woman who lives in an unregulated tenement.

Rosemarie: Yes, but an unregulated tenement with no noise rules.

I imagine noise rules would be counterproductive in a place like this.

Counterreproductive?

Rosemarie: No, I take pills for that.

Emily: You’re so romantic! Of course you’d have to be.

Amar: I don’t know why we go here when they just insult us.

Because that’s half of the experience! Of women.

Amar: Fine. I don’t know why all that stuff is floating up there.

Yeah, me either.

Emily: Hey man, don’t bruise the merchandise!

Emily: In SimSoviet SimWhorehouse, ho beats you!

Violence against women is not funny.

Violence against men is, though.

I’m serious.

Rosemarie: You know, Andy, with an asset like yours you’d be perfect for this line of work.
Andrzej: Evil foreign woman! Do not attempt to monetize my long, proud, luxurious nose!

Emily: I’m still not sure you’re real, but your mouthwash sure is.

Kendra: Shit, there’s a stain.

Nah, that’s just the invisible counter you’ll be laying on while you bang.

Kendra: Looks pretty visible to me.

Wow! You can see ultraviolet! Neat.

Emily: Mmm mmm mmm! Good mouthwash.

Emily: Make sure you get in behind the gums this time.

Amar: Part of me thought you were calling me a stain.
Kendra: Nah, you’re more of a blight.

Andrzej: In my country this task is fit only for goats.

Andrzej: And it is the only task for which goats are fit.
Rosemarie: This goat has teeth. Remember that.

Emily: Just take… take some of this off before I have to slap you for it.

Amar: You’re a woman of rare beauty, Kendra.
Kendra: Well, somebody’s got to make up for you.

Emily: You know, I’m into more intellectual pursuits these days. I bet you’d rather lay it on the chessboard than lay it on the line.

Coy: You know what? Yeah! This will do nicely.

Kendra: Mmf, wait. What’s that wobbly rattling downstairs?

Emily: This is not… exactly… what I meant!

Emily: But at least this way we both win.

Emily: I’ll call it checkmating.

Andrzej: Thank you for the provided service, wench. Your payment will be forthcoming.
Rosemarie: Like you were forthcoming, eh? Hahaha.

Andrzej: I will be deducting from your tip for that pun.
Rosemarie: Okay, but just the tip, right? Just to see how it feels.

Coy: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHOSE TURN IT IS

Kendra: So, we could always just talk or something.
Amar: With me? That’s practically abuse.

Coy: I thought we were gonna play chess, though.

Emily: My hourly rate goes up by the second, starting right now.

Amar: You know, I can’t even feel that scratchy cover down there!
Kendra: Apparently that’s ‘cuz we’re floating on invisible shelves.
Amar: NOBODY PUTS AMAR ON A SHELF

Coy: I’ll be sure to give you top marks at the agency.
Emily: SLAP HER FOR ME TOO OKAY

Rosemarie: I hope this doesn’t classify me as an agricultural worker, they don’t get paid overtime.

Brenda: What kind of business is this?
Andrzej: In my country women only speak when spoken too.
Brenda: Is it because you’re all so unapproachable, though?

Rosemarie: I can’t believe he just wanted a blowjob.

Did he say why?

Rosemarie: Something about it being illegal in his country to let women enjoy sex.

Emily: Trade you for the zuit suitor next time.
Rosemarie: Done.

Emily: You really don’t know what you’re not missing.

Coy: Finally, a good reason to buy women flowers!

Rosemarie: Alright, let’s see if we can’t hook something bigger than a Coy.

Rosemarie: ‘allo guv’nor! Fancy ‘avin’ a go?

Rosemarie: I heard he likes Victorian chicks.

William: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Rosemarie: I’m pretty sure I know what the worst of times would be.

Are you sure it’s not this?

Amar: Your lips aren’t even on my lips.
Kendra: But I’m working them extra hard to compensate!

Emily: I wonder if I should just fudge my timecard.

Kendra: My boss sense is tingling, warning me of slackers!

Emily: Hey, you’re the mayor now, right? That’s almost as good as a governor.

Rosemarie: So, you know who’s cheating?
William: Yes. Everyone. Now let’s talk about how the speech balloon is getting mirrored incorrectly.

JJ Cox: Acting Mayor Barrett! Is that you?!
Dagmar: No. I’m just an actress playing her.

Rosemarie: Look me over and tell me, honestly, that you know of a more attractive couple.
William: There’s theoretically a bunch of universes where I’m a woman. So, theoretically, there’s also a few where those women have crossed over to where I’m a man, and-
Rosemarie: If you need to resort to multiple worlds theory I think I’ve made my point.

William: And you’ve made me pointy.

Rosemarie: Before you ask me, yes. Yes, I get it.

Kendra: Dammit Emily! We haven’t worked out a price point for lesbians yet!

Dagmar: I’m not a lesbian. I just need to talk to a woman, and you wouldn’t believe how few of those there are at city hall.

Kendra: Try to frame this in such a way that I’m not a terrible mother, okay?

Kendra: I’LL KNOW IF THESE ARE FAKE, AMAR!

Kendra: Hey, um… you? You know what your name is. Wanna pay for sex?

Emily: And then she did this grody old guy!
Dagmar: I forgot to mention that I need to talk to an intelligent woman, Emily.

I sure hope his name is Jack, ‘cuz Imma call him Jack.

That’s it, little man! Stand up for your rights!

Jack: What’s your slave name, little guy? Mine’s Jack.

Richard: Get your tail and get out, whitebread.

Rosemarie: Are you seriously not going to have sex with me either? ‘cuz I mean sure, I’m all for plowing through clients today instead of them plowing through me, but it’s hard not to take it personally.

Jack: I choose this one.
Kendra: Again with the slavery overtones.

Dagmar: Alright, cool. But if you talk, make sure to sound manly.

You seriously didn’t fuck her.

William: Just doing my job, buddy. Governors are expected to get handjobs in whorehouses, but nobody likes a cheater.

Dagmar: Mmm, Emery, you are such a good kisser for a man.
Emily: With a name like Emery it’s no surprise, ‘cuz I’d be a gay man.
Dagmar: Dammit Emery, your voice is too high! Grow a pair!

Richard: As I gain more and more self-awareness, this situation becomes increasingly bleak.

What a coincidence! This entire wall, floor, and furniture combination is called “Bleak in Teak.”

William: I signed the note, but first name only. That way it could either be me, or one of four different characters on The X-Files! Plausible deniability achieved.

Five. It’s Mulder’s middle name too.

Jack: Wow, your lips taste like nobody else has kissed them today!
Kendra: I was saving them up for a special occasion.

Richard: Luckily I haven’t learned about personal space or boundaries yet.

Rosemarie: He’s about to learn about burlap sacks and rivers.

Rosemarie: Hey. Yep. Good.

Dagmar: From a purely aesthetic standpoint, you’re pretty attractive!
Emily: That’s good. A mayor shouldn’t have to settle for an ugly pretend boyfriend.

Emily: Are you sure you’re not just a little bit gay?
Dagmar: I used to be, but my goddamn parents prayed it away on me.

Richard: MAWWWWWWM! Rosemarie sang a bad song at me!

Kendra: Was it “MacArthur Park”?

Stephen: Was that the fucking mayor?

Naw, she’s just acting.

Rosemarie: Hey there, tall dorkin’ handsome!

Rosemarie: ROMANCE PUNCH

Jack: As a white dude I just have to say, it feels super nice when a black person likes you.

It does! Not when you pay them for it, though. That’s… another thing entirely.

Rosemarie: OH YEAH HIT ME AGAIN
Stephen: THIS IS NOT WHAT PILLOW TALK MEANS

Rosemarie: Aww, I’m just messing with you!
Stephen: That’s a fine thing to say when I’m paying for the mess.

Dagmar: I just signed it “William.” Now it could be from six different people!

Kendra: Well, that wasn’t bad.
Jack: Wow! How much do I owe you for that compliment?! Yowza.

Kendra: The compliment is free, but that “Yowza” will cost you.

Jack: That’s fair.

Rosemarie: I just really like the feel of a Murphy.

Stephen: Not to tell you what to do with your body or anything, but you should do something artistic! Since you’re artistic and all.
Rosemarie: Obviously you haven’t seen me have sex before.

Stephen: I’d like to make a commission.

We paid for that whole bed, but all you’re using is the edge?

Richard: I like to think that I’m as physically far away from everything else in this place as possible.

Stephen: Yeah, this is some serious arthouse shit here.

Rosemarie: I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out, though. I hear William’s like nine inches long.
Stephen: I bet I can channel him if I try really hard!
Rosemarie: You seem to be pretty hard already.

Stephen: But really, he and I are connected! His middle name is my first name.
Rosemarie: Wow. And that’s not all. The last six inches of his penis are just as long as your penis is.

Rosemarie: BURN

Rosemarie: Okay OKAY, don’t wreck up the place in there!

Kendra: How many?
Emily: Two.
Kendra: Me too. What about Little Red Riding Good?

Emily: I don’t know but that was such hot wordplay.
Kendra: Pff. I bet I can find that title on IMDB in like five seconds.

Kendra: Guess I can move laterally into the film industry when I get too old to do practical work.

Emily: I like pancakes because there’s nothing sexual about them.

Well, the syrup.

Emily: Huh?

The syrup! People… use the syrup…

Emily: Don’t talk to me about shit you’ve never done.

THEN I WOULDN’T BE A WRITER ANYMORE!

Stephen: You know, I’m thinking of doing a photo shoot on all the beautiful women of Clover County!
Rosemarie: Really.
Stephen: And I need a backup photographer.

Rosemarie: Oh ha ha ha.

Stephen: Don’t get your back up. Ha ha. Seriously though, you are some rare thing.
Rosemarie: I am so many rare things!

Yeah, most redheads are not hot redheads.

And most hot redheads are not in my computer.

Although I am trying!

Rosemarie: If we set up a webcam I bet Wall Street dudes would pay to watch this.

Emily: You’re awful in an alright sort of way, Rosemarie.

Rosemarie: Remind me to tell you about those two kids I squished.

Rosemarie: Or maybe you’d like to hear about it over cunnilingus?
Emily: Can you even talk while you’re doing that?
Rosemarie: Oh, I wasn’t offering, I was asking.

Emily: You sure are full of yourself, lady.
Rosemarie: If I was a dude, I bet every woman in town would want to be full of me!

Emily: What if I knee you in the vag, like this?
Rosemarie: Then I’ll punch you in the tit, like this!

Emily: NUCLEAR OPTION

I’m starting to think that webcam idea has legs.

SKARUNCH

It would at least provide evidence for the lawsuit.

Emily: Pretend I said something humorously delirious.

Emily: Because that doesn’t really happen.

Rosemarie: But that takes the fun right out of it!

Emily: Okay, so, new rule. No pillow fights near structural elements.

Emily: You cool with that?
Rosemarie: You’re not gonna die now, are you?
Emily: What? Don’t be silly. Nobody dies from a pillow fight.

That would be pretty stupid.

Rosemarie: Just the same, I’m gonna start a funeral fund.

Sell this image.

You’ll be able to afford a fewnerals.

Richard: Shoo zeds! Fucking shoo!

Rosemarie: Hey, awesome! Somebody didn’t pay in full.

Kendra: I’ll kill them.

Emily: That’s my pimp!

Emily: Mornin’ Ken doll!
Kendra: NEW NICKNAME. RIGHT NOW.

Richard: She was right. This isn’t romantic.

Richard: It’s getting there, though.

Kendra: Welp, another day, another caller! Of the gentlemanly persuasion.

Next time: some minor characters are introduced.

I am one of them.

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