The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 184

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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Second update! Competent and proud of it.


I like to call this the Writer’s Block household.

But I’ve just written twelve chapters in three days, so I can do this bitch.

Stephen: Hmm. How can I make this day as awesome as possible?

Good works?

Stephen: But with as little effort as possible.

Stephen: I’ll read smut with my thinking cap on.

Stephen: …I THINK I CAN MANAGE A FIVE-WAY NOW.

Ember: How about a four-way?
Stephen: Inappropriate.

Stephen: But funny.

Ember: If you do this with your eyes closed, you have an excuse to accidentally spit on people!
Wren: Noted.

Stephen: If you establish a pattern of irrational behaviour, you can spit on people whenever you like!
Xavier: Favorited.

Ember: Don’t turn out ugly.

Stephen: Don’t turn out gay.
Xavier: Why?
Stephen: Gays disintegrate in sunlight.

YOU MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT HAPPENED THERE

Ember: Right, it’s goths who disintegrate in sunlight, isn’t it?

Wrong again!

It’s Republicans.

Wren: ♪ The hills are aliiiiiive ♪

Stephen: Remember kid, you live in a neighbourhood with William Sharpe. Your dick needs to be this long at least if you ever wanna get married.

Wren: I’m taller!

And your face is less fat!

Put it back.

Stephen: She’s just an Ember clone! You can do better than that!

Is better than that even possible?

Apparently not.

Wren: How about two whole cakes? Is better than two whole cakes even possible?
Xavier: We’ll definitely think so once we eat two whole cakes.

Wren: I can’t wait to see my new outfit!
Xavier: I can’t wait to get my hand out of my mouth!

Xaiver: There’s no new outfits, are there.
Stephen: We didn’t think you were gonna reach childhood, honestly.

Wren: What a gyp!

Just for that I’m giving you a gypsy outfit when you’re older, you culturally insensitive little worm.

Xavier: Looks like I’ve only got the one shirt, and the one pair of pants. So… I’m a dude, basically.

Wren: Something needs to be done, I’m running for mayor.

This is a convenient time for that.

Since someone ran over the previous mayor.

Ember: That guy with the dreads? Really? I always liked him, he had a real “I’m the mayor” attitude going on.

Wren: Hey everybody, watch this!
Xavier: It’s only me. There’s nobody else.
Wren: Then you should all be able to pay attention!

Wren: I’m gonna do a thing!
Xavier: She’s gonna do a thing! Oh boy!

Xavier: Wow! Great pre-show! What’s the thing?

Wren: …fuck you.

Ember: I’d get them both some clothes, but frankly we’ve both seen Xavier’s face.

Kennedy: I wish I could talk to chicks like that.

I wish chicks like that existed.

Ember: If we do, you don’t talk to us, we talk to you.

Theresa: I really need a flowchart to deal with these people.

Ember: So, what’s your name?
Kennedy: K…K…K…
Ember: Oh, neat, KKK. I loved you in Birth of a Nation.

Ember: Which was horrifying.

Ember: Okay, enough fun. You want to impress these suckers?
Kennedy: Yes! Impress!

Kennedy: Suck!

Ember: I should mention that I’m married, but my husband is totally fine with this. And not in the bow-chicka-bow-wow, quotation marks around “totally fine” kind of way.

Ember: We’re both sluts, is what I’m saying.

Kennedy: You know what, I think I can deal with that.

Kennedy: As long as you only have the really interesting STDs.

Kennedy: I only have the barest notion of what I’m talking about.

Kennedy: I’m Kennedy. We just met.

Kennedy: …aaaaaand this date might need to give way to a better one.
Poppy: It might, but you won’t like the form it takes.

Ember: That, Kennedy, is a lesbian.
Kennedy: I’ve heard of those! They’re some form of super hot babe, right?
Brady: It applies to gay dudes, too.

Poppy: I am so angry with Daisy White!
Theresa: I’m listening, unofficially.

Ember: Right, just like that. And now you try to look like a goofball! You should be a natural.

WHUMP

Poppy: Ember!
Ember: Poppy!
Kennedy: Medic!

Kennedy: Lesbians! I get it now.

Theresa: Who scrubbed all your features off, boy?

Poppy: That’s the gayest straight dude I’ve ever seen.
Ember: He’s on a date with me. That makes him the straightest gay dude.

Ember: And it’s at least a little bit adorable.

Ember: I don’t do little bits, though.

Poppy: I’m pretty sure my sister is a murderer.
Theresa: I’m pretty sure most people are.

Theresa: This… is a Surveillance Operator shirt.
Poppy: Pretty easy application process.

Theresa: Hey, Ember. I’m canvassing for opinions on something important.
Ember: Definitely not my thing, then.

Ember: Today’s my day for meaningless shit.

Ember: And I’m gonna milk that shit for all the shit juice it’s worth.

I know you keep trying, but nothing you can can make you less hot.

Theresa: Hypothetically, would you be willing to sit in judgement over your peers?
Tazama: I do that every day! I’m doing it now.

Tazama: KEEP YOUR GOVERNMENT JIZZ OUT OF MY EARS, SHE-SPY!

Theresa: We’ll be out of touch.
Tazama: That’s my government!

Brady: Can anyone spot their aqua lungs?

Brady: Are they suffocating each other to death?

Kennedy: I’m okay with going this way.

Brady: Do you guys have any relatives we should notify?

Ember: Yes! One step closer to a promotion.

Ember: Back to work.

Kennedy: Mmm, roast baby…
Theresa: You bad boy!
Kennedy: …back ribs?

Chick: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ASK ME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL TAKE-YOUR-TEENAGER-TO-A-NIGHTCLUB NIGHT!
Dude: Wait, we’re characters now?!

Not until I remember your names you’re not.

Theresa: Hey, I’m glad I caught you.
Ember: I did it.
Theresa: I meant, like, caught you when you weren’t busy.
Ember: I still did it.

Theresa: I just wanted to ask you if you’d consider doing some pro-bono public defender work. We’re preparing a few cases for trial.
Ember: Ohhhh. Okay. Sure, I’ll do pro-bono. If you pay me.

Ember: AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ember: But seriously though, pay me.

Ember: I don’t owe the government shit.

Theresa: Hello there, Mr. Lind. Would you be willing to sit on a jury in judgement of your peers?
Kennedy: Only if I already like or dislike them.

Theresa: We’re thinking of bringing a few cases to trial, using new laws relating to assault and murder.
Poppy: I’m surveilling you guys with this shirt.

Ember: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I couldn’t help but overhear your hushed conversation.
Theresa: Uh-huh.
Ember: These new laws… they wouldn’t be to cover crimes committed during the zombie apocalypse, would they?
Theresa: If you mean “Would my daughters go to jail” then the answer is “Yes, absolutely, we are building a jail specifically for them.”

Kennedy: Wow, you feds sure do play hardball!
Theresa: Don’t slang, you aren’t cool.

Everybody run! The NPCs are having thoughts of their own!

Kenya: It feels so warm…

Daisy: Is she talking about shit? ‘cuz I smell shit.

Ah, the country.

Ember: So, about how my kids can’t be held accountable for shit that happened back when breaking and entering was literally the only crime.
Theresa: Right, well, consider how the nonexistence of a law and order system gives us the blanket right to make one up as we go along.

Ember: TELL HER THIS IDEA IS TERRIBLE

Theresa: You wanted to tell me something, babybrain?

Kennedy: I’m too distracted by whatever that thing is.

Kaylynn: Don’t do the red witch’s bidding! The spiky witch wants to pass legislation to make space piracy illegal! WE ALL WIN!

Dude: FUCK YOUR NOSE

Ember: Look, I’m appealing to your humanity here. My kids didn’t know what they were doing. And Chelsea didn’t mean to machinegun that llama!
Theresa: She machinegunned a llama? Thanks for the tip! We were gonna nail her for zombie dating, but that’s much better. And thanks for assuming I have humanity to appeal to, also. I’m a government employee, girl.

Dude: I couldn’t say this to your face, but I want to snog you.

Kennedy: Hey, that stinks. You can’t just make up laws and retroactively charge people for them!
Theresa: I’ll tell all the victims of the zombie apocalypse that some guy I met thinks that justice “stinks,” then, shall I? I’m sure they’ll roll right over.

Theresa: IN THEIR GRAVES.

Theresa: Asshole.

Theresa: It was nice talking to you!
Ember: Bitch.

Ember: I wish these secret agents would stay secret.

Xavier: Well, we know the glue works.

-SCENE MISSING-

Wren: New clothes!

Xavier: My platform is largely a no-more-gym-class one.

Ember: I might have some of this, my ass could use a few more curves.

NO

NO NO NO NO NO

This had better not be a naked woman you’re painting.

Stephen: I’m doing abstract art. If you look at it the right way, it’s always a naked woman.

Wren: Where does your campaign stand on space piracy?

Xavier: It’s right up there with llama machinegunning as one of my top concerns.

Wren: What about robots?
Xavier: There’s no robots in space. That’s a trick question.

Wren: You are gonna kill it at the debate.

Xavier: INVISIBLE BASEBALL
Wren: I’ve got it! As far as you know.

Oh yeah! I made some new images out of stuff!

…and I have no idea what kind of stuff it was.

Xavier: Riveting.

Wren: If we’re not doing a plot today, I’m gonna clock out early.

Wren: I may in fact have already clockzzzzzzzzz.

Ember: My fellow Cloverites: FUCK CITY HALL.

WHAT WAS THAT

Stephen: Don’t ask me, I’m just the artist.

Stephen: Okay, stop using your Build Mode tools next to me, it’s freakin’ me out.

Stephen: There was definitely a wall there before.

Stephen: But this is a marked improvement!

I added a discretion entrance, too.

Stephen: Who needs discretion?

YOUR CHILDREN NEED DISCRETION

Wren: We’re not babies, you know.

Ah, true art.

By the time it’s done, nobody cares.

Xavier: BREAKIN’ CURFEW!
Wren: HBO’s least boundary-pushing program yet.

I dunno, kids in underwear is beyond the pale for most stations.

Stephen: It’s done!

What is it?

Stephen: It’s done.

That it is.

It can go up there with all your other artistic treasures.

Or rather, it can supplant them.

Xavier: Wren and I are best friends, dad!
Stephen: You’re doing something wrong, then.

Stephen: If I wanted a stable family, I’d have kept my last one.

Wren: Do we really have to go to school now?
Ember: Think of it as an early-access date market.

Stephen: Don’t listen to your mother. Ever.

They’re gonna be alright, those Fox-Murphys.

But they should be awesome.

Ember: Our kids turned out alright.
Stephen: They were a lot of fun to make.

Ember: It would be a shame to stop when we’re on a roll.

Ember: Fine, we’ll do it for the neighbourhood then.

Ember: My daughters are gonna get arrested.

Ember: No! No! The original ones, I mean.

Wren: You know, that’s my bathroom too.
Xavier: Yeah, but this way you can flower it up after I’ve made it all smelly.

Ember: I have to go work on my case, Steve. You scrumptious thing you.
Stephen: I’ll chalk that terrible compliment up to your mentally being already at work.

Wren: Man, being a family together is TOO MUCH FUCKING WORK.

Next time: pulling in Daisies.

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