The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 181

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you’re in a country where it’s not Thanksgiving but you still have Thanksgiving, don’t vote Republican.


Jerome: Cavendish my ass.
Carolina: Hello to you, too!

Jerome: Alright kiddo, these people are really white. We need to teach you some white people songs. Repeat after me: “domo arigoto.”

Deborah: Who the hell fixed my ugly house?!

Deborah: Was it this ugly dude?

Jerome: I might be ugly, but you’re a pig.

Elle: He’s not wrong.

Deborah: Hey, pal, we got off on the wrong foot. Mostly because I don’t know why you’re in my house now.

Jerome: Because we’re better at it than you are.

Rebecca: He’s not wrong.

Jerome: You invited Carolina to live with you. She invited me.
Deborah: What a fascinating interpretation of how this works.

Rebecca: THE FUCK IS THIS THING

Deborah: My Rebecca has already learned how to walk. Can your hideous little copspawn even wipe her own behind?

Shiloh: WHY WOULD I WANT TO

Rebecca: .oO(I’m better than her.)

Jerome: Disrespect my daughter again and I will break you.

Jerome: And then drive you to the hospital. I’m not a monster.

Rebecca: She totally is one, though, right?

Rebecca: ‘cuz I’m not seeing any other likely explanations.

Shiloh: Hug!
Rebecca: Right, ‘cuz that’s even a word.

Rebecca: Look at me, I’m an idiot! “Hug! HUG!”

Shiloh: Hug!
Rebecca: Hahaha what.

Rebecca: You’re alright, monster.

Rebecca: That’s it! I’ll distract her, you pick her pocket.

Rebecca: Now garrote her.

Rebecca: You and me, kid. You and me.

Rebecca: You totally should have garroted her, though.

Rebecca: SIT IN THE DAMN CHAIR DAMN YOU

This is how I feel half the time.

Shiloh: HAHAHA NAUGHTY BITS

This is how I feel the other half of the time.

Debbie: Why are you here, anyway?
Jerome: Gonna marry Carolina.
Debbie: It’s a big state, you sure you ready to love all of it?

Jerome: You stopped glowing!
Rebecca: She looks even more monstrous now.

Rebecca: AND I LIKE HER

Shiloh: Nobody’s ever said that before!

Jerome: WE HAVE SO

Jerome: Put that shit away, nobody wants that.

Jerome: Don’t give me those stuffed rabbit eyes.

Rebecca: RAR! DESTROY!

That’s how I feel all of the time.

ENOUGH WITH THE DOLL GENITALS.

Jerome: Fuck off, Penny.
Penny: No, YOU fuck off!
Jerome: I LIVE here.
Penny: No, YOU live here!

Debbie: Drink BOTH bottles! We must starve the interloper!

Jerome: I like her.

Elle: SOMEBODY accidentally left this in the baby milk machine. I WONDER WHO THAT WAS.

Debbie: I brought you dinner!

Jerome: Stay away from the bad lady.
Elle: If I catch her on the stairs, I’ll give her a shove for you.

Carolina: Well, I guess Deborah’s gonna have to miss this.
Jerome: Who’s that?

Synchronized simming!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hah.

AHAHAHAHAHA.

Carolina: Aw, look at you! Somebody else’s little girl, all growed up!

Jerome: Come on, Shi! Show ’em how awesome mixed race babies look!

Carolina: I want you to know that your mom wants to be here, but I’m not sure she does.

Carolina: So I’ll be as excited as I think she should be!
Jerome: While my excitement is legitimate! But only for Shiloh.

Shiloh: I can’t wait to see this outfit explode.

Rebecca: OH GOD I LIKED THIS OUTFIT

And yet, against all odds, it has improved.

Wow! Turns out your face is okay!

Your hair, though… no surprise there.

Rebecca: Wow! My hands!
Shiloh: Mine too!

EVERYBODY STARE AT THE LEAST-CHANGED BITS

For fuck’s sake hurry up so I can fix you.

Shiloh: I AM ONE WITH THE CAKE

Shiloh: That was a really cute party, Jerome.
Jerome: Penny never liked to make a fuss over Shiloh.
Shiloh: Let’s get her.

Rebecca: FINALLY I can do this shit RIGHT

Shiloh: Just like mommy!

Only without all that ruined potential.

You actually turned out halfway interesting!

Must be Penny’s half doing it.

Shiloh: Off to bed.

Yep. Definitely Penny’s half.

Jerome: It was fun playing house with you.
Carolina: The kids seemed to enjoy it, so I figured, why not?

Jerome: Am I allowed to be happy?
Carolina: Try it and see if the world ends.

Rebecca: Ooh yeah. Shittin’ by myself. Not gettin’ off for a week.

It’s been nice talking to you.

Jerome: I’m not even sure I’m allowed in here, palette-wise. Christ what a white girl my daughter is.

Rebecca: I’ll try to work some of the pink out of her, bit by bit.

Deborah: Can’t you and the can just talk things out, Penny?

Brittany: Why am I here?

-facepalm-

You’re carpooling.

AS A BLOG WRITER.

Fucking game.

Deborah: Who’s hugging me? I can’t see.

Deborah: I’ll still take it.

Deborah: Holy shit! Did I just stretch you out? I’m so sorry!

Deborah: Don’t let Penny kick you over.

Debbie: I tried to bleed the new blood, but they overcame my machinations.
Deborah: You do what you can.

Shiloh: My dad and my mom don’t get along.
Rebecca: My mom says they flushed my dad down the toilet.

Jerome: You wanna get out of here for a bit?
Carolina: And leave the kids with Deborah?
Jerome: They have to learn how cruel the world is sometime.

Shiloh: One time I caught my mom cleaning a man’s pee-pee with her mouth.
Rebecca: Adults are weird.

Rebecca: It’s kinda sad.

Shiloh: It really is.

Brittany: Do you live here?
Penny: Do you?
Brittany: Since when is that a polite response? You must be a cop.

Carolina: Man, the going is getting better all the time.

Rebecca: They say my daddy went down the pipes to be with his own kind.

Shiloh: My mommy says your daddy was the worst thing since the Holocaust.

Rebecca: SHE KNEW MY DADDY?!

Penny: There’s LOTS of things I know.

If only road safety were one of them.

Jerome: Did you hear a bump just now?

Carolina: I’ve been hearing bumps since we left the Valley. I assumed your tires needed air.

Jerome: Good news! My tires are fine.

Penny: Suddenly I wonder why I can’t seem to catch anything.

Jerome: Well that’s unfortunate.
The Grim Reaper: NAH, IT’LL BUFF RIGHT OUT.

Esther: Please tell me you’re not staying for dinner.
The Grim Reaper: GOT ALL THE SUSTENANCE I NEED RIGHT HERE, THANKS.

Jerome: I didn’t actually want her to die.
Carolina: Are you sad that it happened, though?
Jerome: I want to be sad…

Jerome: But there are more pressing tragedies to think about.

Carolina: Penny was your first love, wasn’t she?
Jerome: Yeah. That’s why I didn’t notice what a shit love it was.

Jerome: She was nothing like you. Always judging me and berating me and making fun of me.
Carolina: You mean if we get married I won’t be allowed to do any of those things?

Daryl McClellan: If anybody’s wondering, it was these guys what did it.

If anybody’s wondering, Barenaked Ladies Guy? is named Daryl McClellan.

Carolina: Anyway, fuck Penny.

Jerome: Not until they pull her out, at least.

Carolina: Shame about the baby, though.
The Grim Reaper: I HEAR THOSE FUCKERS GRILL UP REAL NICE.

Carolina: Hahaha. Murderer.

Shea: Can we keep the Gordon Ramsaying to a minimum here, people?

Jerome: What’s happening?
Gerald: Some team-building exercise or something in the kitchen.

Jerome: I don’t wanna be on a team!

Carolina: Did you hear anything about more zombies happening, by any chance?
Jerome: I did kinda survive a mini-apocalypse the other day.
Carolina: I can see why that wouldn’t have come up in conversation yet.

Jerome: It did really get me thinking, though.
Carolina: That’s never good.

Jerome: I’ve spent a good chunk of my life with a woman who just thought of me as a tiny dick.
Carolina: I bet that wasn’t much fun for her, either.

Jerome: What I’m trying to say, Carolina, is: will you marry me better?

Carolina: I could hardly do it worse!

Tucker: There’s a hot chick in there who’s totally unthreatened by dudes walking up to her. You should try her instead.

Tucker: I mean I’m totally going for it if you don’t, I just wanted to be polite.

Carolina: How long are you gonna make me wear this ring for?
Jerome: How’s your schedule for tonight?

Jerome: ‘cuz I hear my pastor stays up late.

I’m definitely a night owl.

Shea: I’d be happy to make a reservation for you! One question: your brains. How attached to them are you currently? How attached to them do you need to be?

Jerome: HAHA THESE SIGNS
Gerald: HOHO SUCH SIGNS
Carolina: I don’t get it.

Me either.

Daryl: Hey baby, wanna ditch this scene?
Brittany: Not even if you had a million dollars.
Daryl: I’D BE RICH

Esther: CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE COOK IS COOKING?!

Carolina: So, seating: yes or no?
Shea: You’re serious?

Carolina: He says we have to wait until the zombie’s done eating.
Jerome: What is this Jim Crow shit?

Jerome: Let me pass the time by talking about all my ex-lovers.

Jerome: Or we could stare at this tapesty.
Gerald: This is a nice tapestry.
Shea: Eat me next.

Esther: NOW I HAVE TO WASH MY HANDS. THANKS.

Kendal: Worst meal I never had. Zero stars.

I don’t even need the reminders, game. I know what they’re having: black food and white food.

Carolina: Apparently it’s okay to make the same joke twice if you rephrase it!

Darling, this entire story is just the same five jokes repeated ad nauseam.

Carolina: You know what’s weird? I actually love this doofus.

That’s not weird!

You are.

Esther: Two stereotypes, coming right up!

Jerome: I don’t see why liking good food is a negative thing.

Jerome: If they expected me to wear a turban and grant wishes, then I’d be mad.
Carolina: I hate to tell you this, Jerome, but Shaq is not the traditional form of genie.

Carolina: I didn’t know they threw people out for talking Shaq.
Irfan: I’m the mayor.

YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR FATAL CAR ACCIDENT

STAY DEAD THIS TIME

Carolina: You gonna back up first?
Jerome: It’s already under there, there’s no graceful end to this.

SCRAAAAAAAAATCH KAKLUNK KAKLUNK

Jerome: Luckily this is Deborah’s car.

Pretty sure it isn’t.

Jerome: FUCK.

Carolina: You’d tell me if these clothes were as bad as those clothes, right?
Asia: Only if you tell me whose hearts those are.

Jerome: Mine. Always mine.

Carolina: You’re so cute.
Jerome: Penny said that to my penis once.
Carolina: Please make me a list of every nice thing Penny hasn’t ruined for you.
Jerome: It’s a short list, consisting of the name “Carolina.”

Carolina: Where we off to now?
Jerome: The fantasy factory.

As the patron deity of this church, I resent that remark.

Yeah yeah, go inside. I’ve got mad window glare again and we’re back in shadow monster territory.

Carolina: He’s more of a shadow snuggler.

Clay: THIS MOVING PICTURE AIN’T SHIT

Rosemarie: Do these count as streetlights? I’m new to this.

Carolina: This isn’t exactly the wedding dress I pictured.

Trust me, there’ve been worse.

Jerome: I have my reservations about this crowd.

Ally: Hey, fuck you too.

Jerome: I’m more worried about the prostitute and my ex-lover.

You should make sure to clarify that those are two different people.

Clay: I hate sitting. I’m just gonna stand here.
Jerome: You’re gonna be in all the pictures if you stand there.
Clay: Score!

Carolina: Where are you going?
“Cecilia”: If I sit farther back I might not be able to sprint up and slap you both.

“Cecilia”: I can’t see.
Rosemarie: Pregnancy blindess, eh? I hear that’s a thing.

Blah blah married kiss her.

“Cecilia”: WASN’T FAR ENOUGH

“Cecilia”: HOW COULD YOU?! After that wonderful night we spent fucking in your car!

Jerome: This is just how I pictured my dream wedding.

Carolina: Can I get a picture of you guys together? I hear she’s a celebrity.

“Cecilia”: Come near me again and you’ll be the ones on the news.

Rosemarie: Too long, didn’t last.

Carolina: I hope you left the car running.

Carolina: “You may now kiss the bride!”
Jerome: That’s not how he said it.

Carolina: You have your dreams, I have mine.

Opal: Is this where the inappropriately-dressed guests stand?

Ally: There’s also the streetlights outside.

“Cecilia”: Good one.

Jerome: I promise to be everything for you my wife wasn’t for me.
Carolina: As long as that all shakes out positive, sounds good!

Carolina: I promise I’m not a bitch.
Jerome: Awesome.

“Cecilia”: I call bullshit.

Wow. Opal. You cleaned up nicely.

Opal: I still fit into my wedding dress!

I didn’t know you were married!

Opal: I wasn’t.

I now pronounce you Jer-ohm and Care-oh-line-uh.

But the latter will eventually change to Care-oh-LEEN-uh when I realize it’s more likely.

Carolina: Cool story bro.

Carolina: Well, Mr. Newcastle?
Jerome: Yes, Mz. Siew?
Carolina: …no, it’s Mrs. Newcastle now.
Jerome: Holy shit, that’s allowed?

Carolina: Decades of easy-to-please, here I come.

Rosemarie: You looking for work? The “spinster bride” look is bound to be popular with some of our older clients.

Aww.

Well, good luck.

Ally: You’re gonna need it!
Opal: SO CLEVER DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT

Rosemarie: Nice dress, Kenya, you on the job?
Kenya: Hey! I don’t know what that means.

Jerome: You taste like popsicles.
Carolina: I’m an elementary school teacher.

Ally: I wonder if all men are pigs, or just the ones I know.
Opal: Ask yourself why I’m old and gay.

Jerome: Want some cake?
Carolina: You gonna feed it to me?
Jerome: Why, something wrong with your intestines?

Jerome: Little joke.
Carolina: It’s impossible to tell with you.

Carolina: You hit the spot! Nice aim!
Jerome: I’ve always been good at getting small things into wide spaces.

Carolina: Ewww.
Rosemarie: I made burgers.

Jerome: I think we’re supposed to be sitting together for this.
Carolina: I want us to be a non-traditional couple.

Opal: I’m helping.

Carolina: I DON’T LIKE YOU BUT CAKE

“Cecilia”: I loooooove cake.

“Cecilia”: … okay, fine, I love Jerome, stop staring.
Rosemarie: I was just wondering how your hair stays like that.

Carolina: Thief is here, better go.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: The lady has uncovered your deception, negro vagabond!

Rosemarie: You don’ like hamburgersh?

Cameron: Why is everybody getting knocked up lately?
“Cecilia”: Because this fucking generation needs to end eventually?

Generation 1: about ten chapters.

Generation 2: about five hundred.

Jerome: No way am I living through three hundred and something more chapters.

Maybe your children will.

Or maybe not.

Where’d your fancy clothes go?

Jerome: Back to the rental place.
Carolina: Best scam ever.

Jerome: I dunno, I think I scammed you pretty good.

Carolina: I know you ripped me off, but I expect you to work the balance off.

Brittany: I first realized I was gay when someone made me be gay at university.
Deborah: Who are you again?

Shiloh: Aaaaaaaaaand…

Shiloh: Got you.

Shiloh: Stay… stayyyyy…

You do realize your bed is inanimate, right?

Shiloh: Well that’s a wussy way to do things.

Shiloh: I feel better about sleeping in its maw now, though.

Brittany: They’re gonna wear out the suspension if they keep that up much longer.

Deborah: That’s nothing. Doctors recommend an artificial hip before having sex with William.

Jerome: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard almost killed me yesterday.

Brittany: I’m glad you’re more boring than me.

Brittany: I shall call you “insurance.”

Jerome: This sure doesn’t look like a marriage bed.

It’s barely a divorce bed.

Carolina: Deborah has some strange objection about us bumping awesomes in her hearing range.

Deborah: MY HOUSE MY RULES

Carolina: A few hundred more dates and we can afford our own house.

Jerome: The best thing about not being married is not being comfortable doing this together.

Jerome: The best thing about being married is everything else.

Jerome: Some everything elses are more best than others, of course.

Well of course.

Carolina: Please don’t resent and detest me.
Shiloh: Start by not interrupting my sleep.

Rebecca: Start by not interrupting ANYBODY’S sleep.

Jerome: HAW HAW HAW WALL DECALS

Carolina: You look kinda like Jerome, with your big stupid eyes and your vapid expression.
Mrs. Flibble: .oO(You just in a nasty bitch mood today?)

Shiloh: I think I might try to have one of those every day.

Rebecca: I can teach you.

I should have saved my synchronized simming joke for this.

Deborah: You should have saved it for yourself.

Rebecca: Mom, is this still our house?
Deborah: We’ll see what the title card says next year.

Carolina: It’ll say: “The Newcastle Household and Deborah.”

Shiloh: I held out for “and Deborah and Rebecca” but no dice, sorry.

Rebecca: It’s okay, I’ll fix it when you’re all dead.

Shiloh: There there, little bed. I don’t believe what they said about you being dead. Now let me groom you.

Carolina: I have this weird feeling you were neglected a teensy bit as a child.

Jerome: Might I interest you in a distraction from my greatest failure?
Shiloh: New nickname!

Jerome: We’re a family now, just the three of us. We’re gonna take care of each other.

Nah, I’ll take care of you.

Each in a slightly different sense of the term.

Jerome: At least I got breasts.

Shiloh: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Deborah: I’M STILL RELEVANT

Rebecca: I’m playgaybashing!

Aaaaaaaaaand let’s end there.

Next time: the prodigal daughter returns.

And it’s no big deal.

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