The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 175

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Oh yeah, you’re expecting something today aren’t you.

Last time in the Clover County Chronicles, the Zombie Insurrection began! Like the movie Insurrection, it’s like a two-part television show. Unlike the movie Insurrection, though, I think it’s pretty good.


William:huh.

William: Well, alright then!

Kaylynn: Did she just put her-
Kendal: Straight up his.

Melanie: BABY GOT HER GROOVE BACK

Sunny: More like the Fall-On-His-Assibly Good Warlock!

Sunny: FUCK.
Kendal: William! Honey! Save me from these monsters!
William: That’s basically the idea… whoever you are.

Sunny: Wait wait I’m supposed to distract you with love!
William: And who told you I “love” grey skin and mohawks?!

William: Oh! Hey, Sunny! I didn’t recognize you under all that zombie!
Scot Macarevich the Infallibly Good Warlock: Welp, back to my costume ball! I’m going as an Infallibly Zombie Warlock! What a laugh! Don’t shoot me.

William: Sorry man, this thing has mad spread.

Daisy: Boo hoo, it’s so sad, boo hoo.
William: Yes, I see you up there.

Daisy: They held me prisoner in my own home! Built an army and tried to kill me! But I escaped! Thank the Maker you came.
William: Good job running to the largest populated area you could find, Daisy. ‘cuz that’s what you do with zombies.

William: Especially these fuckin’ zombies.

Melanie: I can explain.

Daisy: NO YOU CAN’T

Daisy: LOOK OUT BELOW

Melanie: Thanks for the heads-up!

Melanie: Welp, she’s dead.

Daisy: Nope! I’m fine!
William: THIS ONE’S FOR DAISY
Daisy: Cool, but I’m still alive, okay?

Kaylynn: NOT OKAY.

Kaylynn and William: TRAITOR!
Jerome: Birdie!

William: I trusted you! Our children trusted you!
Melanie: IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE STUPID

Melanie: I hope she kills you all.

Grant: Woo! You go, TV lady!
William: Get her, Daisy! Channel some of that serial killer you play so suspiciously well!

Kaylynn: So much for Cecilia Phelps.
Jerome: She’s not the REAL Cecilia! Get your facts straight!

The Grim Reaper: SERVES YOU RIGHT.

Jerome: HACK! KAFF! I CAN’T SEE SHIT!
William: Only one thing worth seeing, Jeffrey.

William: And you’ll hear it first.
Jerome: AAAAH AAAAH AAAAH SHIT AAAAH

Jerome: How am I not dead?!

An oversight, I assure you.

Man, Kaylynn didn’t even get a death speech.

William: If she had something to say, she should have said it the other thousand times she died.

William: Who the fuck is the black one?

Are we talking about Ghostbusters now?

William: If you’re gonna stand there, Cam, don’t sway.
The Grim Reaper: I COULD JUST TAKE ALL OF THEM NOW IF YOU’RE IN A HURRY.

Lydia: I hear a rifle warming up.
Lora: He wouldn’t dare. There’s a live one in the way!
William: Pff. It’s just Nancy.
Poppy: What’s all this then?

William: Bad news about your sister, Poppy. And all these other people too. Unless you hate some of them.

Daisy: GET THIS PETARD OFF ME

Lora: I’m not good at math but I THINK WE’RE LOSING

And I’m not good at conspiracy theories but ARE THOSE MELANIE’S PANTS AT THE TOP?

William: Let’s find out! We’ll call this one once she’s dead and she can tell us if Melanie’s burning in hell with her.

William: Really very sorry about this, Poppy.
Poppy: I’M NOT EVEN ON THE SCREEN
William: That’s good, crying girls are gross.

William: Could you stand away from the glass? I’m trying to keep my collateral damage low.

Nancy: About… that…

Nancy: Those are some slow-acting bullets you’ve got there.
William: It usually takes the whole magazine for the OOH AAH SPLAT effect.

William: Maybe people should stop standing in front of my gun.
Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE ONE

The Grim Reaper: I GET SHIT SERVICE IN THIS HOLE, MAN.

Jerome: Sure are a lot of non-zombie dead people here, William.
William: Really fucking up my score, yeah.

William: I still call it a mostly-win.

William: And I think I deserve credit for all the non-zombies I didn’t shoot.

William: STOP FUCKING UP MY SCORE ALVIN

Alvin: Man, I hate it when my work follows me home like this.

William: Get your hand off my crotch.
Alvin: YOUR ANIMAL MAGNETISM IS NOT MY FAULT

Jerome: Hell of a way to go.
Ian: Yeah, that tracksuit’s pretty embarassing. Or did you mean shot to death as a zombie?
Jerome: No, the tracksuit thing.

The Grim Reaper: PUT THE BEAM ON HIGH, WE WANT TO GET ALL THIS ATROCIOUS EVIL IN ONE GO.

♪ Now, this is a story all about how ♪ don’t fuck with me.

William: FUCKING COCKSUCKER BITCH
The Grim Reaper: HELLO TO YOU, TOO.

The Grim Reaper: I HATE TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS, WILLIAM, BUT YOUR WIFE WAS PROBABLY NOT A GOOD PERSON.

William: Yeah.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: You’re better off without the Zombie Queen, my friend.
William: I guess.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: So if you get her back, I will gladly purchase her from you for a tidy sum.

William: Man, it’s like having my bachelorhood back again, zombie-infested hometown and all!

William: Why’d you come back, moron?
Geoffrey: I thought it’d be the last place you’d look!
William: Yeah, see, that’s… not actually a thing.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Save any body parts that come off! I will relieve you of them for a generous honorarium.

Iris: So, um… how’d… your day go?
William: Your daughter’s dead.
Iris: Is she. Cool. Cool.

William: It’s not cool at all.

The Grim Reaper: I’VE GOT THE ONLY RECESSION-PROOF JOB IN THE ‘HOOD.

William: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, MELANIE?!

She did already do it once, you know.

William: HOW COULD SHE DO IT AGAIN?!

The Grim Reaper: THIS GUY WAS PROBABLY DEAD IN A FEW MONTHS ANYWAY.
William: So basically what you’re telling me is I’m a doctor.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: How much?

William: Save me the tibia, I keep a trophy collection.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: For a small donation I will return your recently stolen collection to you.

William: It felt good to be back in action.

You really did accidentally hit two innocent people, though.

William: I only counted one, actually. The other actually had “Atrociously Evil” in her name.

Speaking of atrociously evil, what’re we doing here?

William: Getting some answers.

William: …shit.

William: FUCK.

William: I’M MORE OF A GUN PERSON REALLY

William: DON’T MUSS THE SUIT!

William: I hope this deck is softwood!

William: EW EW EW

William: FWAH! BLECH! Eeeeugh.

William: STEAL MY WIFE?!?!

Charles: Where is Melanie?
William: I’ll show you.

William: SAY “HI” FOR ME
Charles: HI

Brooke: Act natural, pretend you saw nothing.

Charles: Wait! WAIT! I’m an innocent victim in all this!

William: Oh well. You’re not the first one I’ve shot today.

The Grim Reaper: YOU KINDA LOST THE MORAL HIGH GROUND AT THE END OF THAT.
William: It’s too hard to see what’s happening on street level from up there anyway.

William: Man, this house is actually decorated! Gets me every time.

I’ll give you a decorated house some day.

William: Gosh.

William: There’s a gate on the basement stairs.

Maybe so the baby doesn’t fall down.

William: Or the zombies don’t climb up?

William: Hahaha zombies. Kilt ’em all.

Lydia: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

William: Could’ve sworn I heard something just now.

William: Man, Daisy sure was loaded.

Her family was very rich.

William: Weird! So was mine!

Hahaha! Weird.

William: Funny, them leaving that dude here.

Why’s that?

William: They clearly meant to come back.

Andrea: What’s new?

Your mom died.

Andrea:

William: Also there was a dead guy on your porch, but he’s gone now.

William: Geez, she doesn’t even have room for all her success!

William: My mom used to have an execuputter just like this one.

Huh.

William: My kids are gonna kill me when I get home.

What’re you doing?

William: Something I should have done, like… before I… I mean… I’M REPLACING MELANIE.

William: Send me the most ridiculously-dressed zombie you have.

Daisy: I’M BOTH OFFENDED AND RELIEVED

Daisy: And aroused.
William: Score!

William: Now lose the greasepaint.

Daisy: Thanks for saving me, buddy. I was afraid you’d leave me down there with all the nobodies.
William: Those nobodies can’t do that thing you do with your mouth. Probably.

William: I still can’t believe Mel would go all Zombie Queen on me after all these wonderful yet boring years.

Daisy: Yeah, what a bitch, right?

Daisy: Forget her.

Daisy: God, I’m sorry. I should let you grieve a bit.
William: For what? Her sweet ass? It was all in the pants, I’m afraid.

William: But why did she betray me all of a sudden? It just doesn’t make sense!
Daisy: IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE IT WAS SO WELL PLANNED

Your mom’s not dead.

Andrea: That was a fun two hours.

Daisy: Look, sometimes people do things that don’t make sense. Melanie ran off with that weird dork and backslid into zombiehood, Alvin’s wife ran off with the poop fetishist… both of those are real things that happened, and you should stop looking into them so closely.

Daisy: ‘cuz there’s only one woman in this neighbourhood who can keep up with you, and she hasn’t got pink fuckin’ hair.

William: You must mean Abigail. She’s had every other colour!

William: You didn’t need to punch me.

William: UNNNNH UNNNNH UNNNNNGHHHHHH
Daisy: FUCK ME LIKE A BULLET FUCKS A ZOMBIE

Daisy: ‘cuz you seriously fucked them zombies up.

William: Be my new wife.

William: OHHHH FUCK YEAH BABY FUCK ME LIKE YOUR VAGINA DON’T FEEL

Daisy: We don’t both have zombie fetishes now, right?
William: I probably always did, for my part.

William: You scared me, though. Don’t go dying on me.
Cecilia: I promise you, William: when one of us dies, the other’s coming with.

William: Your voice sounded different there.
Daisy: STOP IMAGINING THINGS

William: CATCH THIS FUCKING BALL

Chelsea: You can have mine too, if you want it.

Daisy: DON’T FUCKING THROW SHIT AT ME

William: DON’T RAISE YOUR FUCKING VOICE, BITCH

William: GO LONG FOR FUCK’S SAKE

Daisy: I WILL RAPE YOU

Daisy: WITH THIS BALL

William: …talk to you tomorrow.

William: If you can stay alive that long.

Daisy: Next time I hatch a diabolical plan, I need to pick my devils more carefully.

Daisy: Hey kid! Sorry I was dead for a bit there.
Andrea: No biggie.

Daisy: The fuck you mean, “no biggie”?
Andrea: Just making sure you were listening.

Andrea: Whee! WHEE! WH-

Andrea: -eee?

You have got to get more control, kid.

Teleportation can really take you places if you master it.

Daisy: Ooh, that stupid… MAN I can’t believe what a flop that bitch was.

In her defense, Melanie didn’t know that the plan was to expose her as a bitch and get killed so you could move in on her husband. She thought she was trying to take over the world.

Daisy: WELL SHE WAS DOING A SHIT JOB OF THAT TOO.

Daisy: Anyway, time for the aftershow.

Lexie: But what about me? What’s my part in this master plan?!

Daisy: You’re the aftershow.

Lexie: Why kidnap me in the first place if you didn’t have a use for me?!
Daisy: It may surprise you to learn this, but I don’t really think these things through all the way.

Daisy: There’s always loose ends, but I hate tying them up.

Daisy: I prefer to trim them off.

Whuck.

Lexie: More like fuck.

Daisy: More like you suck.

Brilliant.

Daisy: I pulled off a master plan today, cut me some slack.

The Grim Reaper: I EXPECT A THANK-YOU NOTE FOR THE CLEANUP.
Daisy: Make sure you wipe the gristle off the phone, I’m honestly not even sure how she fell like that.

The Grim Reaper: YEAH, THAT ISN’T HAPPENING.

The Grim Reaper: NO MATTER HOW TIGHT YOUR ASS IS.

Daisy: I dunno, it’s pretty tight yo.

Good decision with the dormer.

You can’t return to the scene of the crime when the scene of the crime is gone.

Daisy: I’m a walking crime scene at this point.

And you’ll be gone too, some day. How many of your crimes are going with you?

Daisy: I’ll make sure all the really awesome and funny ones get revealed, don’t worry.

Daisy: Hey honey. Since your wife is dead anyway, come back over and let’s get criminal together.

Daisy: I think I’ve thrown almost all the axes my wrists can handle.

Hahaha! Handle! ‘cuz axes have handles.

Daisy: You sicken me.

Daisy: …do I sicken you?

In all the right ways, honey.

William: I just know I’m gonna pay for this later.

I hope you’re not waiting for me to disagree.

SMASH

William: HOLY SHIT.
Daisy: I said we were gonna get criminal together. That’s a fifty-dollar fine, mister.

Daisy: I’ll take it out in trade.

Not that shit again.

William: I reiterate: if you don’t want stupid problems, fix your stupid game.

Daisy: There’s the master zombie hunter himself.
William: It wouldn’t have been possible without your timely phone call! And hilarious bellyflop from a rooftop.

William: Protip: don’t call your shots on an aerial attack.

Daisy: It’s springtime, you know.
William: Yeah.
Daisy: And I’m Daisy.
William: Yeah?

Daisy: Pollinate me.

William: …that felt different.

Daisy: I’m feeling very fertile tonight.

William: Why do I suddenly feel disgusted with myself?
Daisy: I know why I feel disgusted with myself. But you don’t know shit.

William: I feel nauseous. I must be pregnant or something.

William: …why is there a toilet down here.

William: Oh well. Any port in a storm.

Daisy: Welp. That just happened.

You’ve had sex with him before.

Daisy: Yeah, but this just went from Game of Thrones to Morte d’Arthur.

Daisy: His name will be William Jr.

William: Yessss. Wait, whose name?

William: Probably nothing.

Sheba: .oO(DID I SAY YOU COULD DO THAT)

Daisy: I’ve had it with showbusiness. Show me what you can do, internet.

Daisy: …show me what else you can do.

Daisy: SHIT.

Daisy: SHIT SHIT SHIT

Daisy: DID I GET ANY IN THE TOILET

Daisy: This kid had better be worth it.

With these genetics? This kid is going to kill us all.

Sheba: .oO(THIS IS ALL MINE OKAY)

William: Sure. Fine. Whatever.

William: You sure are running around a lot.
Daisy: IT SETTLES MY STOMACH

Daisy: And my uterus.

Daisy: BLAAAURRRGHLRGL MIRACLE OF LIFE

Daisy: I’m glad you came.
William: I’m thinking I should have come in a condom.

Daisy: Oh yeah, by the way, all your condoms have holes in them now.

Daisy: Let’s make a change. Got any suggestions?

Something even worse-looking.

Daisy: Can do!

Daisy: Dammit, this won’t work. I don’t want to remind him of the other crazy bitch he was married to.

Daisy: Fuck it, if he calls me Melanie during sex he’ll owe me bigtime.

Daisy: AND I’LL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

William: Seriously? You’re wearing a Greyskin Brigade shirt like immediately after the attack?! They don’t even have a name for what happened.
Daisy: It will be called The Zombie Insurrection, and they were called The Grey Family, for your information.

Daisy: …I heard them talking?

Anthony Benson: The agency heard your last butler died so they sent me.

Anthony Benson: This has not imbued me with a strong sense of loyalty to either of you.

Daisy: I think I deserve to wear this shirt, since those bitches held me hostage in my own home.
William: You still haven’t adequately explained that.
Daisy: TOO SOON TOO SOON SO TRAUMATIC

Andrea: I SEE YOU THERE

Andrea: And I just don’t care!

Andrea: Don’t you make that face at me, homework!

Daisy: Hahaha my sister!

Daisy: Died.

William: Hahaha?

Anthony: Yo homies, wanna brewksi?

William: I hate to interruptus this coitus, baby, but your tree’s on fire.

Daisy: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
William: ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING

Anthony: This what you perverts do for fun these days?

Daisy: WE’RE BOILING MY BABY
William: I’d prefer chicken, if that’s okay…

Daisy: THIS BABY BETTER COME OUT ORALLY

Daisy: Alright, just so we’re clear: I’m having your baby.
William: Which one do you want to have? Victor or Neila?

William: She’s so easy.

ENOUGH OF THAT.

William: I’m not sure how clean I can get beside that thing.

Anthony: On it.
William: YAAAAGH

William: What’s up, sister?
Daisy: …don’t call me that.

William: How’s our little scrambled egg doing today?

Daisy: It could use some more scrambling.

William: I hope it doesn’t come out cracked.

Again, with these genetics…

William: Abortion joke?

LET’S END THERE.

Next time: maids make good.

Look, anything is a letdown after this, be honest.

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