The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 173

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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The last day before the change.


Nick: And now, for the grand reveal!

What?

Nick: Tada!

What.

Nick: It’s me!

So?

Nick: The destined fangirl-magnet!

I shall bend all my will and resources to preventing that from happening.

“Cecilia”: He has glory in his genetics. You can’t fight biology!

MOST THINGS WE FIGHT ARE BIOLOGY.

Nick: Hey mom! Guess how awesome I am?

“Cecilia”: Less awesome than me, I’ll wager.

Nick: If you can become a Hall of Fame athlete while pregnant, you can damn well teach me how to do homework.
“Cecilia”: Oh, easy-peasy.

“Cecilia”: Never do homework outside.

“Cecilia”: That’s about it.

“Cecilia”: Okay, next household.

Nick: I am just a tiny itsy bitsy little bit okay with you maybe coming over or not.

Angelica: I’d better pick out a wedding dress.

Angelica: Tidying up for me?
Nick: ABSOLUTELY NOT but totally yeah.

Angelica: This relationship is looking a bit… foregone.

It’s what’s between the foregone and the aftgone that I’m interested in.

Angelica: Smile, asshole! This one’s for our wedding album!
Nick: If I don’t smile, can we skip the wedding?

Angelica: Admit it. You love me.
Nick: I’m not ready to come out of the ugly-lovin’ closet.

Nick: Can we still be adversarial now that we’re best friends?
Angelica: I’ll friend-divorce you if you even try going mushy on me.

Nick: Mushy, you say.

Nick: Ooh what’s that over there.
Angelica: Ooh I’m totally playing along.

Angelica: The things we do for love.

The things we do for love.

Sickening.

Angelica: Got ya!
Nick: Not if I use…

Nick:bullet time!

Just like in The Matrix!

Nick: What the hell is The Matrix?

Angelica: This hardly seems fair.
Nick: What world are you from?

Nick: “Fair” is for corndogs and cotton candy.

Nick: I am The One.

See? SEE?! The Matrix!

Nick: Is that its foreign title? I’m thinking the movie with Jackie Chan.

Angelica: You’ve got the annoyance factor about right!

Look who was in an artistic mood that day.

Nick: I look like a blue Alan Moore!

Angelica: I’m not sure I can ever marry you now.

Nick: Well colour me disappointed.

Nick: When Angelica gives you lemons, make Angelemonade.

Nick: That got rid of her, didn’t it.

Angelica: Hells yes.

Nick: Oh good, here comes the riff-raff.

Nick: Get lost, Harry Potter, this ain’t no butterbeer.

Nick: Get on your unicorn and bounce, fairy princess.

JJ Turner: …I wish to exchange currency for goods.

Nick: Why didn’t you say so?
JJ: You were already doing whatever that thing you were doing there was.

English is such a graceful language.

Nick: Fork it over, kid, and don’t give me no Hogwarts nickels.

JJ: What’s in this?
Nick: Lemons.
JJ: And sugar?
Nick: If I say yes, the placebo effect might kick in.

Nick: All sales are final.
JJ: What if I break your piggy bank?
Nick: But how would you go to school tomorrow with no kneecaps?

JJ: I’m telling Dumbledore on you.

Angelica: I’m leaving. You still don’t know how to treat a lady right.
Nick: Well by all means DON’T EXPLAIN

Nick: I’m gonna grow up to be a serial killer.

“Cecilia”: This is the hardest stage of “Don’t Wake the Baby,” let me tell you.

“Cecilia”: Actually, no, this is.

Double Trouble!

Nick:OM NOM NOM

That’s too old a reference.

Nick: There was a cheezburger reference in the last chapter.

Yes, but it was subtle.

What are you doing.

“Cecilia”: Pregnancy cravings, you know how it is.

I don’t think pregnancy cravings cover eating in the wrong room.

“Cecilia”: What about eating my fork?

“Cecilia”: I’M A SUPERSTAR

Nick: THAT’S GREAT MOM GOODNIGHT

Nick: Fix it.

DEALT WITH.

“Cecilia”: I’m depressed. Let’s goth up the place.

Hey! Not bad!

“Cecilia”: Really? It must not be gothy enough then.

Ooh, transparent floors!

They don’t even look like they could support a pregnant woman.

“Cecilia”: Yeah, I’ve heard nothing but insults from them.

You don’t think you’re carrying this theme a bit far?

“Cecilia”: There’s a TV show about the person I’m pretending to be. It’s calleed “I, Serial Killer.”

Serial killing is one thing, but gothiness is beyond the pale.

“Cecilia”: Gothiness is the pale.

OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

TURN THE LIGHTS ON

That’s what gods say, right?

Yeesh.

Let there be Addams Family.

Nick: What the hell is the Addams Family?

It actually suits you guys really well.

Nick: Who wants death juice?

Lyndsey: .oO(ME)

I wonder if death juice cures dogfood-spewing.

Kent: Let’s try it.

Meanwhile, in a universe where this is okay…

Sandy: I’m gonna be an important character! I need exposure.

The Grey Lady: You’ve exposed yourself quite enough, young woman.

Kent: I disagree.
Kendra: Stop by the brothel later! We offer a seniors discount.

I feel a bit like that right now too.

Jennifer: What terrible secret are you hiding?
Lance: My parents are dead.
Jennifer: Wow, really? Congratulations!

Lance: What would “butler extermination” be under?

Bit of a drastic solution, don’t you think?

Lance: All solutions are relative.

Lance: By which I mean I’m calling my relatives.

Thanks for the explanation, Dr. Sagan.

Lance: Who the hell is-

THIS UPDATE NEEDS LESS MILLENNIALS

Lance: I’m really sorry to bother you, Chelsea, but our child molester butler wants to know when your baby’s coming out.

Lance: He’s already bought a bunch of sex toys for the occasion.

Chelsea: I’m outside for some reason!

And not pregnant for some reason!

Chelsea: STAY ON THE LINE WE NEED TO PROLONG THIS

Lance: Yeah, he bathes Lyndsey three times a day.

Lance: Says making her clean makes him feel dirty.

Lance: He wears my used shirts as underwear.

Lance: I think he’s drugging Lewis, too.
Lewis: I ate too many Lucky Charms.

Lance: So yeah, how’s that baby coming along? Kent’s already come up with a lot of nicknames for it! Most of them are food-related, like “Candy” and “Scrumptious.”

Lance: You’re coming over?! I can’t imagine why, but okay! Haha!

Chelsea: You were a senator once, right? Any chance you could swing a police escort?
Stephen: I can do better than that! I once fucked a police officer!

Chelsea: I’ma poke this ’til it opens.

Stephen: I keep forgetting that Cameron’s the smart one.

Lance: What? Seriously? Allegations of child molestation, and all I get are a pregnant chick and an artist? What would you do if I said Hitler was here, call a guidance counsellor?!

Lance: Fuckin’ bullshit.

Lewis: Yeah, thanks for nothing, fatty.

Lance: This one’s got beef in it!

Lyndsey: .oO(JUST WAIT’LL I LEARN TO TALK)

Chelsea: You stay away from my little brothers.
Kent: What, they need a haircut or something?

Kent: Why are you looking at me like that?

Chelsea: You’re going to die soon.
Kent: Wow, check out the deductive skills on this one! Next you’ll tell me I’ve got arthritis.

Chelsea: I am dialing up your doom.
Kent: Tell it to hurry or it won’t beat my Crohn’s Disease.

Chelsea: BRING ALL THE LASER GUNS YOU HAVE

Chelsea: You’re done for, old man.
Kent: I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I’m thankful.
Chelsea: Pervert.

Andrew: The things we do for love.

The things we do for love.

Chelsea: And sex!
Andrew: See where that got us last time, though?

FRIDAY: I hear you’re gonna kill a guy.
Andrew: I was thinking I’d just freeze him, and have Penny pick him up.
FRIDAY: Laaaaame. I walked all of ten feet to see this.

Andrew: Your time has come, old man!
Kent: I have a name, you guys. I’m a person.

Andrew: Where I come from, pedophiles aren’t people. They’re monsters.
Kent: When is that going to become relevant?!

Andrew: Don’t try to deny it, you sick bastard. We know what you’ve been up to.
Kent: You’re really that into overgrown hedges, are you?

Kent: Brr! There goes my arthritis again.

SCRACK

Andrew: …maybe this was the wrong approach to take with an elderly man.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Andrew: Hahaha! “SCRACK.”

Andrew: He won’t be swinging those hips anymore.

Andrew: You just chill for a bit.

Andrew: I do it for the children!

Like most terrible things that have been done.

FRIDAY: I BETTER NOT HAVE MISSED IT
Andrew: Too slow, old buddy!
FRIDAY: AW MAN I BET HE WENT “SCRACK” AND EVERYTHING!

FRIDAY: Fuckin’ bullshit.

Lance: ROBOT ARMS!
Lewis: Now more important than SLEEP!

Lance: Go forth, my minion! Sow the seeds of wrath!

Lewis: You could just ask me to get up.

Lewis: If I’m gonna be awake, I might as well do it right.

Lewis: You’re done?
Lance: I really did just want to deprive you of sleep.

Lance: OH YEAH THIS THING

Lance: They were just supposed to call the Social Worker!

Lance: OH NO OH NO NOT AGAIN

Lance: WE KILLED ANOTHER BUTLER SOMEHOW

Lance: How can I blame this on Lewis…

Lance: STOP TONGUING THAT CHAIR AND HELP ME

Lewis: help what’s happening

Lance: No time for your glitches, we’ve got bigger butlers to bury!

Lewis: WARN ME WHEN YOU’RE BEING LITERAL

Lewis: STUPID ADULTS! Dying should be HARDER!

Lewis: How did he die?!
Lance: I don’t know! Maybe Chelsea showed him her fat stomach or something?

Lance: We could hide him in the hedge.
Lewis: I have a better idea.

Lewis: I’ll get the tools.

Lance: ROT IN HELL, DEAD GUY!
Lewis: DYING ON US FOR NO GOOD REASON!
Lance: TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT!

Lewis: It totally wasn’t your fault, though, right?
Lance: I’m shocked you even have to ask.

Lewis: It was totally his fault wasn’t it.

Lance: Don’t make me dig you a hole, Lewis.

Lance: Now, I know that looked bad, but you won’t remember it tomorrow.
Lyndsey: .oO(I HAVE OBJECT PERMANANCE)

Lance: Well, shit.

Kent: You said it.

Lyndsey: Hey, no.

Lewis: I don’t see what the big deal is.

Well YOU don’t have to block out all this shit!

Lewis: You mean you’re censoring my manly physique?!

Like, instantaneously.

Even though there’s no physique to censor. I’m just plain not showing Ken doll children, ‘cuz even Ken doll children are gross.

And before anyone asks why I don’t just use the censor blur, it’s because I’ve never seen one that only works on kids. And would you really want this journal with no adult nudity?

Lyndsey: .oO(IT WOULD STILL BE WORTH IT)

Lewis: DON’T TELL ME WHERE I CAN NAKED

Um, hey, wait a second.

Lewis: I’M DICKING YOUR URN, MOM!

Lewis: AND I WISH I HADN’T ACTUALLY

Lewis: THIS IS ALL YOUR STUPID FAULT SOMEHOW

Kid’s got a good arm on him, at least.

Lewis: DEAD PARENTS AREN’T AS COOL AS THEY SEEM LIKE THEY’D BE

Speaking as someone who has one dead parent, it’s the worst thing outside of having two.

Lewis: YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME

IT SEEMED PRETTY OBVIOUS

Also, for some reason, Lyndsey had a Fear of having that urn smashed.

Lyndsey: .oO(IT SEEMED PRETTY OBVIOUS)

Lewis: I’ve been thinking about the corpse we buried.
Lance: That was your first mistake.

Lewis: What if there’s rats down there? What if they eat him?

Lance: That’s what we in the corpse disposal business call a win-win!

Lyndsey: .oO(There are no wins here.)

Lewis: But what if he starts making dead old man smell and someone comes and finds him?!

Lance: There’s lots of room down there for them, too.

Lewis: …you’re pretty scary, you know that?

Lyndsey: .oO(TEACH ME HOW TO SCREAM FOR HELP)

You know, the more awful the content gets, the better my writing seems to become.

Hmm.

Next time: the most awful thing in a long time.

Should be a masterpiece.

Seriously though, most important chapter since Chapter Eleven.

And that’s not even a bankruptcy joke.

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