The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 169

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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It doesn’t count as a missed update if I miss the whole week.

Previously in the Clover County Chronicles…yeah, I still do those sometimes!

I’m a fucking wordsmith.


Doesn’t look like a family to me.

Alvin: I have a daughter, you know.

Oh yeah? Where is she, then?

Alvin: Somewhere… out there.

With the Social Worker.

Alvin: Exploring new horizons!

In an orphanage.

Iris: You know, I could adopt her back.

Alvin: I wish I could think good like you.

Iris: I’m glad you can’t.
Alvin: I wish you wouldn’t keep saying ominous things.

Iris: Take out the fatale and I’m just a femme.

Alvin: A femme can still adopt a kid!

Alvin: Make sure it’s her!
Iris: She’ll be at the top of the list.
Alvin: Because she’s awesome.
Iris: Because she just got taken.

Iris: For some reason Social Services in this country is like a cookie jar: last in, first out.

Iris: Yes, I’d like to adopt a child? My name is Iris White and I’m a very good mother.

Iris: I take excellent care of my existing daughter, whose name currently escapes me.

Iris: One condition of the adoption is that I have to move in with you. With my kid.
Alvin: Now THAT’s a family!

Iris: How did you beat me out here?!
Alvin: Secret agent, baby.

Iris: He’s a secret agent! Baby.
Kelsey: .oO(I have a name.)

Iris: Call a babysitter.
Alvin: ‘cuz THAT worked out so well last time.
Iris: Call SOMEONE.
Alvin: Hey. Theresa? Hey. I’ve got some important secret agent work for you.

Iris: This is your house now. Wipe your cooties on everything to take possession.

Iris: Mommy has to go to work, so you behave! Badly. Until mommy comes home. Get it out of your system.

Iris: Or mommy will drown you.

Alvin: Social Services won’t tell me when my daughter is getting dropped off.

Probably because Social Services took your daughter away from you.

Alvin: LIKE THAT’S A GOOD REASON

Alvin: I just want confirmation that you’re bringing Ivy Woodrow, and not some ugly Maxis thing!
Social Worker: And I just want to get off the phone with a child molester or whatever you did to get your kid taken away!

Alvin: IT WAS AN INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY

Jennifer: I ain’t drivin’ no child molester.

Theresa: The best part of waking up is a mission in your cup!

Alvin: Watch my girlfriend’s baby okay.

Theresa: …I WORK TODAY TOO

Theresa: I’ll put this down as “wet work” on my time sheet.

And this can be “audio surveillance.”

Theresa: Goddamn Alvin and his golden goddamn ticket.

What do you mean?

Theresa: The worst playable in the neighbourhood moved some boring townie chick into his house, and then she moved Alvin in, and now they’re both dead and he gets to keep the house! Meanwhile I’m homeless and LOOK HOW HOT I AM.

Theresa: All I’m saying is, he’s the one who should be sponging counters.

Theresa: And I’m gonna take it out on his larder.

Theresa: I’ll call this “televisual research.”

Theresa: Why am I not surprised his TV is tuned to the kids’ station.

Theresa: …should have seen that coming.

Kelsey: Book! BOOK!
Theresa: Seriously? Don’t you have a cell phone or a 3DS or something?

Theresa: Or some string?

Kelsey: Book.
Theresa: I’m adopting you.

Theresa: Alright, cheat sheet versions. Goldilocks: it’s a reverse metaphor for how leaving your food around a campsite attracts bears.

Theresa: The Little Engine That Could: an educational tale about how much better cars handle slopes than trains do.

Theresa: Everybody Poops: a demonstration of how easy it is to get published these days.

Kelsey: .oO(But everybody does poop!)

Theresa: William Tell: trusting people with dangerous stunts is fine as long as you’re right.

Jennifer: Somebody please tell me why Theresa lives here suddenly.

Where did she live before?

Jennifer: Under a bridge.

Kay: Ouch.
Jennifer: It was a suspension bridge, though, very classy.

Theresa: I’m not even sure what this one is about.
Kelsey: .oO(If he poops, he must do it through his nose.)

Iris: Why do I feel like irreparable harm has been done today?
Jennifer: Maybe because you oozed all over my seat covers?

Iris: God. Alvin asked a secret agent to babysit my kid?!
Theresa: In fairness, he didn’t ask so much as he tricked.

Iris: Who are you even? Some nobody?
Theresa: I don’t have to take this from you, BioShock.

Theresa: Hahaha I’m so glad I thought of something in time.

Theresa: I’ll get out of your hair now. Assuming you have hair under there.

Iris: Seriously though, get the fuck out.

Theresa: I’m calling that “reconnaissance.”

Alvin: I found us a maid!
Jane: You said this was a mission!

Alvin: Wow, you really are plain!
Jane: The first time you put your eyes out on your partner’s haircut, you’ll be wishing you had plain!

Alvin: You’re ruining the buzz of my promotion with your bland whateverness.
Jane: Gee, I hope you never try your hand at compliments.
Alvin: That’s what these were.

Iris: Can we lose the broad?
Alvin: Already did! Why, did you see her somewhere?

Jane: I destroyed your television!
Alvin: Okay bye!

Iris: What would you do if I told you to murder her?
Alvin: I’d do anything for you, Iris, up to and including forgetting that you asked me that.

Iris: What would you do if I told you my daughter murdered her butler?

Alvin: This.

Iris: And what would it take to make you forget?
Alvin: Did that really happen?!
Iris: Let’s focus on the forgetting.

Alvin: What forgetting?

Alvin: Oh no, she found my hidden weakness!
Iris: It was getting progressively less well-hidden.

Alvin: Hidden again!

This seems to be your favourite trick.

Iris: I don’t have to look at his face this way.

And he can’t see how obviously evil you look.

Iris: There is that.

Alvin: Come on, Science! Distract me from the sexy!

Alvin: Dammit! Proximity screws it all up again!

Prof. Johnson: I’M GATHERING DUST UP THERE

Iris: WHOAH. Hello there! If you’ve got needs, just say so.

I imagine every street in the valley looks like this at night.

Alvin: I’m glad you moved in.
Iris: You have to cook real food now.
Alvin: When are you leaving?

Flamingo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Prof. Johnson: REVENGE

Iris: Have you heard the tale of the Ghost and the Flamingo?

Iris: It’s cautionary.

Alvin: You fit into my aesthetic really well.
Iris: I’m sure it’s just coincidence.

Alvin: …what else would it be?
Iris: Exactly!

Alvin: You wouldn’t actually ask me to kill someone, would you?
Iris: Pff, no! Please!

Iris: I might ask you to look the other way, though.

Alvin: I’m a secret agent. That’s what I do.

Iris: We’re gonna get it on just fine.

Iris: Get it?

It was awful.

Iris: BEEN A LONG DAY.

Iris: Nope nope nope.

Iris: Still got my pride.

For now.

There’s a cricket stuck in here, and it’s chirping.

Which is really appropriate actually.

Iris: Did you set our flamingo on fire?
Prof. Johnson: MWAHAHAHAHA
Iris: That’s a no, then.

Iris: Any reason we’re keeping these things out here?

Yep!

Laziness.

Iris: So, he bottles up beautiful things and lets them die.

As opposed to what you and Daisy do.

Iris: Hey! The things we bottle up are ugly.

Iris: SPEAKING OF WHICH

How ironic would it be if she died from this?

Iris: Not ironic at all.

No, but, see, it would be metaphorical or something.

Iris: Not a metaphor either.

I’M NOT A GODDAMN ENGLISH MAJOR.

Anymore.

Iris: You were an English major?

You of all people should know, we all have our deep dark secrets.

Iris: .oO(Oh, Alvin. You are such an-)
Alvin: .oO(-idiot.)

Alvin: .oO(A good secret agent knows his limitations.)

How emotionally constipated would you have to be to write people a note and attach it to flowers when they live in your house?

Alvin: I’m not emotionally constipated, I just talk like a moron.

What makes you think it’s confined to just talking, though?

Do you miss your mom?

Kelsey: .oO(Isn’t this my mom?)

Oh! Shit!

Sure!

Kelsey: .oO(We have the same hair, dummy.)

Alvin: WELL MAYBE FUCK YOU TOO TV

Alvin: STAB YOU IN YOUR FUCKING FACE

Alvin: That was an example of how not to talk.

Alvin: I’m a terrible father.

Iris: And the state has a record of it!

Next time: fireworks at the Murphy home.

Hope you like explosions.

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