Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Wrote three more updates today. The buffer lives for at least another week!
Kent: Grats on the unmarriage!
Michael: Best one yet!
Kent: I’m taking the day off in its honour.
Michael: Oh, hey Abigail. What’s up?
Abigail: I find you attractive for some reason. Say something to fix that.
Michael: OH MY GOD YES PLEASE MARRY ME YOU HAVE SO MUCH MONEY
Abigail: That didn’t do it. Try harder.
Michael: Can’t help you there, I think you’re pretty awesome too. Any woman with the courage to go back to university is the kind of woman I like.
Abigail: It didn’t take a lot of courage, considering I got a genie to give me back my youth.
Michael: Right, because that’s something a coward would consider.
Michael: Oh, hey, by the way, you’re fired.
Veronica: Good, now we can start totalling up my future therapy bills.
Michael: I’m a bit leery about relationships now. Both of my previous wives cheated on me.
Abigail: I don’t think “relationships” are the common denominator there.
Michael: If you’re implying I’m at fault, I’m incapable of hearing it.
Michael: The doctors say my blood is 90% egotism. Any drop in self-esteem could kill me.
Um, hey. Michael.
Michael: I know this is awkward, what with you and Poppy being such good friends and all.
Abigail: Yes. Friends. That is what we are.
Michael: …DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE
UM, HEY. MICHAEL.
Michael: WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN BECOMING A LESBIAN
Michael: EXCEPT THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE LESBIANS
Michael: I hope she gets mouth AIDS.
Michael: Pretty sure this is mine.
It’s what’s left of Poppy’s genie wish. She left before it arrived.
Michael: That was my genie wish!
Michael: Anyway yeah, we’re perfect for each other. Or anyway, you’re perfect for me and that’s all that matters.
Michael: I can afford a woman with better taste than that.
Michael: Only the best for my little princess!
Veronica: There had better be honey in it this time.
Michael: Am I a good daddy, Veronica?
Veronica: HAHAHA NO
Michael: I can buy affection.
ARE YOU SERIOUS.
Do you want me to downgrade you to “C” list?
Deborah: I’m only “C” list?!
No, you’re a straight “D.” Michael’s a “B” but he’s seriously endangering that.
Deborah: This room was made for me.
Deborah: Hey, she’s pretty cute!
Michael: Yeah, Poppy’s definitely hiding something in her real genetics.
Michael: I really don’t get her. She’s supposed to be Daisy White’s sister, but they’re nothing alike and she’s got all these conflicting memories! She remembers being dead, but everything before that is a blur. I suspect shenanigans.
Michael: I bet she’s one of those hundred-odd people who died horribly before we moved in.
Deborah: I’m sorry we missed that.
Deborah: It says here that the zombie apocalypse started because two girls died in a fire and some dickwad tried to bring them back! Does Poppy remember dying in a fire by any chance?
Michael: Hey! I don’t want to actually solve the mystery! Daisy scares the shit out of me.
Deborah: But you’ve got me interested now!
Michael: I’ll just need to distract you then.
I haven’t seen such a lack of chemistry since Pirates of the Caribbean.
All of them.
Excellent, you’ve formed a seal. Now the bacterial cultures can grow.
Michael: Speaking of bacteria, who’s hungry?
Deborah: I haven’t had a night like this in ages.
Michael: It would’ve happened earlier, but my standards used to be too high.
Michael: We need to reapportion this food based on personal worth.
Deborah: If I’m so terrible, how come you asked me over?
Michael: My self-loathing demands self-sacrifice.
Deborah: Oh my gosh! You blew me a kiss!
Michael: No! Not that! It was food cooties.
Deborah: Who you calling?
Michael: My first choice.
Michael: Hey, Abigail. If you reconsider, please come over soon. It’ll be awkward if I have to pull out.
Michael: Hahaha what a stupid bitch my ex was!
Michael: Hahaha why would anyone ever cheat on me?!
Michael: Shut up and fellate me.
Deborah: I thought we might neck first.
Michael: Period slang is not a turn-on, Deb.
Michael: BUT SUDDEN TRANSITIONS ARE
Michael: …what just happened.
Deborah: I dunno, let’s just roll with it.
Michael: I appreciate the gloves, much more sanitary.
It’s hard to tell which one is being objectified here.
Then again, they are both technically objects.
Yes, get Michael’s dick all over his daughter’s stuff.
That’s not the worst thing ever or anything.
Veronica: Why is this so sticky?
Michael: Morning Brooke!
Brooke: Morning Mr. Whittaker!
Deborah: Michael! Where are you going?
Kent: Everyone! I am not interested in you.
Michael: I am going to eat your hair now.
Deborah: Cheaper than a haircut!
Yeah, okay, sure.
Can I leave now?
…not that this is gonna be much better.
Poppy: IMAGINARY SCROTUM CRUSHING
Poppy: How do you like my new place?
Poppy: There’s nothing worse than only going half-goth.
Poppy: Hey, is this Prof. Lilly? Hi! It’s Poppy! Let’s deflower each other.
Poppy: You could have knocked first.
Prof. Lilly: We seem to be… contrasting a little bit.
Poppy: My life is a soulless black pit of despair.
At least you’re not this.
Poppy: So my husband dumped me for cheating on him! Even though he was cheating too! Just like how some guy I don’t remember properly cheated on my sister for some cheerleader I don’t remember properly either!
Prof. Lilly: Again with the repressed memory bullshit?
Poppy: It’s not a lot of fun for me, either.
Prof. Lilly: Let’s take your mind off the topic.
Poppy: That seems to be the theme of this chapter!
Poppy: Ooh, you didn’t tell me you had tenure, Prof. Lilly!
Prof. Lilly: How did you guess?
Poppy: Nothing else could explain this awfully cushy tushy.
Poppy: Hahaha! Tushy.
Poppy: I said tushy.
Prof. Lilly: I’m not sure that deserves a kiss.
Prof. Lilly: I’m not even sure we deserve a chapter.
You’ve only got half a chapter, and it definitely feels like a waste.
Poppy: You’re making me look boring by being so boring. Go away.
Is what Michael should have said to Deborah.
Poppy: Hey Brittany! Playable character tryouts today! Don’t be late!
C’mon, don’t be mean, put it down.
Poppy: But it’s so cute to watch him plot over nothing.
Poppy: Aaaand straight into the garbage with it.
Amar: Cockblocked! That’s the first thing a girl has done with my cock in ages!
Amar: AND I HATE IT
Brittany: Poppy! Hanging out with questionable assholes again? JUST LIKE UNIVERSITY!
Poppy: Let’s shake hands and part as friends.
Amar: Stop interrupting my boob scrutiny.
Amar: Those are some bitchin’ boobs!
Poppy: You need to leave now!
Brittany: Who is this guy?
Poppy: Probably a rapist?
Amar: That’s my afternoon planned!
Brittany: That was really irresponsible of you.
Poppy: I promised Penny Newcastle I’d give her at least one rapist a week to use her excessive force quota on.
Brittany: Where does this garbage go?
Poppy: In… in the garbage can?
Brittany: But the lid’s closed!
Poppy: I should have stuck with the professor.
She might be a dumbass, but oh, dat dumb ass.
Brittany: Hey! Hands off! I don’t do shit without playable status.
Penny: Maybe I just want to bang you.
Brittany: Maybe I know what happens to peripheral love interests in this neighbourhood.
Poppy: My tongue is worth dying for.
Prof. Lilly: Hey, aren’t you a cheerleader?
Brittany: Damn, and I was trying so hard to hide it!
I wonder why I never made any use of you.
Brittany: Um, dude. Spoilers?
Enh, nobody reads this anyway.
Poppy: Put it in here, it’s garbage day tomorrow.
Poppy: HEY ROBOT I MIGHT BE ROBOSEXUAL
WEDNESDAY: But I’m not a lesbian robot.
Poppy: You could have said that on the phone.
WEDNESDAY: But then I couldn’t have stolen any of this sweet, sweet limelight.
Poppy: Go away, this chapter has enough extraneous characters already.
WEDNESDAY: Of course it does! It centres around you.
Poppy: BE NICE TO ME MY LIFE IS RUINED
Poppy: And stop staring at my chest if you’re not a lesbian robot.
WEDNESDAY: That’s my delusional bitch limit reached. Bye!
Not so fast.
Brittany: I don’t want to date you. Your sister is an axe murderer.
Poppy: No, she plays an axe murderer on TV.
Brittany: Really convincingly.
Poppy: I’m the only gay playable.
Brittany: And you have fantastic debating skills.
I’m sure I’ve made a muff diving joke before.
If not, well… I guess I just did.
Poppy: Sex is awesome!
Yeah! I seem to recall that.
This, though, doesn’t ring a bell.
Really puts her bad haircut into perspective, doesn’t he?
Cristopher Thomason, Agent of B.U.C.K.L.E.R.
Cristopher: B.U.C.K.L.E.R. was disbanded after an alien invasion. I’m an agent of S.W.O.R.D. now!
I hate Marvel.
And yet, marvels abound.
Brittany: Hey! Watch it! You nearly knocked me over!
I’m sorry, I was lost in your eyes.
Your dead, shark-like eyes.
Brittany: I spy, with my dead shark-like eyes…
Poppy: Someone who is horny.
Brittany: I don’t know what I’m doing here.
Poppy: I do!
Brittany: Have I passed the try-outs?
Poppy: In true cheerleader fashion! By fuckin’.
Poppy: I had no idea she’d take that personally.
Poppy: Fine, I’ll just hang out with the coolest person I know.
Well the coolest person you know needs to clean her fucking bathroom.
Poppy: Brittany really needs to fix her diet.
Missing your family?
Poppy: Missing the butler.
Poppy: Alright, you’ll do, come over.
Poppy: But don’t talk, and I don’t want to see your face.
Poppy: I want to pretend you’re Michael for when we hatefuck.
Poppy: And I mean that in the tenderest way possible.
Poppy: Seriously though, that face, my eyes.
Poppy: And we need to do something about your personality, too.
Prof. Lilly: Um… how?
Poppy: I find electricity usually does the trick.
Prof. Lilly: I think I like… Shia LaBoeuf movies now?
Poppy: HAHAHA GOOD ONE
Poppy: And also, good ones!
Prof. Lilly: What’s that?! OVER THERE?!?!
Poppy: …what, you mean my house?
Prof. Lilly: I think I see Lucas Perez! He’s alive and he’s coming for us!
Poppy: DON’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT
Poppy: That didn’t sound good.
Poppy: …I used to be able to feel things below my waist, didn’t I?
Poppy: My elevation seems a bit off.
Poppy: How come everything’s all red all of a sudden?
Prof. Lilly: I PRANKED TOO GOOOOOOOOOOOD D:
Poppy: But wait! My storyline hasn’t been resolved yet! And there’s all kinds of relationships I have that need closure!
Too bad! Special Guest Writer George R.R. Martin does not care.
Poppy: …you’re seriously killing me with a Game of Thrones jab?
It needs more jabbings.
The Grim Reaper: YOU KNOW, I LOANED HER TO YOU GUYS WITH THE PROVISO THAT YOU WOULDN’T BREAK HER.
The Grim Reaper: SO I’M GUESSING HER WATER BROKE… HER… TO DEATH?
Prof. Lilly: LET’S GO WITH THAT
Prof. Lilly: AW I HATE SNOW
Prof Lilly: Better mop up the crime scene before it freezes.
Prof. Lilly: I was almost a playable, too.
The Grim Reaper: PRETTY NICE EMPTY HOUSE YOU’VE GOT HERE.
Prof. Lilly: …so conflicted.
Prof. Lilly: But not conflicted enough.
Hey, that’s an improvement!
Prof. Lilly: Pretty nice, huh?
No, but it’s still an improvement.
And now to rob your victim blind.
Prof. Lilly: Nope, my back hurts just looking at those dresses.
Prof. Lilly: I’m glad she cleaned the toilet first.
Prof. Lilly: OH GOD THAT WAS HER FINAL ACT
Prof. Lilly: What a cruel mistress fate can be!
Fate isn’t the mistress who water ballooned her head into a wall.
Prof. Lilly: Maybe I can take her place!
Yeah! That’s a sensible thought!
Mark David Chapman wasn’t crazy!
Prof. Lilly: What’s her sister’s name again?
Prof. Lilly: No, that’s who she plays on TV! What’s her actual name?
Look under “White.”
Prof. Lilly: With an “i” or a “y”?
With an “i,” like the colour of the sheet they’re gonna wrap you in at the morgue.
Prof. Lilly: Hahaha I don’t get it.
Prof. Lilly: Hi, is this Daisy? Hi! Ooh, can you say “Hi, I’m Daisy” for me? Big MarioKart fan.
Prof. Lilly: SO I ACCIDENTALLY OFFED YOUR SISTER
Prof. Lilly: It was an honest mistake! Anyone could have caused a water balloon-related hemorrhage! CHECK THE STATISTICS.
Prof. Lilly: I don’t see why you’re so mad! I just made your face a lot more unique!
Prof. Lilly: Look, I’m only telling you this as a courtesy. They’ll never find any evidence!
Daisy: Like they’ll never find your body, you mean?
Prof. Lilly: You’re not a real criminal, you’re just an actor.
Daisy: Ever heard of Frank Sinatra?
Prof. Lilly: Look, if you call the cops they’ll arrest me, but if you help me pretend to be your sister I can be your stunt double or something!
Daisy: Or you can fuck the ugliest of my groupies for me! Yeah!
Prof. Lilly: Anyway it’s no big deal! It was an accident, accidents happen, and the important thing is you can just freaking resurrect her anyway.
Daisy: Sure! I’ll take a cheque for the §10 000 that’s gonna cost me.
Prof. Lilly: Hey, she pranked me first! I don’t think it’s fair to put this all on me.
Daisy: I’m not gonna put anything on you.
Daisy: I’m gonna put something in you.
Prof. Lilly: You know I’m a lesbian, though, right?
Daisy: Whatever. Look, we’ll talk this over in the morning. I’m too tired for your crap right now.
Prof. Lilly: Glad to hear it, sis!
Daisy: On second thought I’ll kill you tonight.
Prof. Lilly: Hahaha! Same ol’ sis.
Prof. Lilly: So yeah, don’t go calling the cops or anything!
Daisy: Wouldn’t dream of it! This is definitely a private matter.
Prof. Lilly: Yeah! Haha! It sounds creepy when you say it.
Prof. Lilly: Anyway we wouldn’t want Poppy’s wild philandering to come out in court!
Daisy: What’s wrong with wild philandering?
Prof. Lilly: Courts hate that!
So, what’re you having for your final meal?
Prof. Lilly: Dunno yet! It’s so many years away.
Prof. Lilly: It’s so many years away. It’s so many years away!
Prof. Lilly: Night Popster! I’m stealing your underwear.
Prof. Lilly: Ooh! And I’m taking these sheets when I leave.
Prof. Lilly: Death really gets you to thinkin’.
All signs to the contrary.
Prof. Lilly: Like, what would I do if this was my last day on SimEarth?
We’ll find out in Chapter 178.
Next time: the university bums come home at last!
Prof. Lilly: Wait, Chapter What? CHAPTER WHAT?!