The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 164

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Last week of buffer!


Hostess: Table for one?
Stewart: Two!
Hostess: No, we’re not counting, buddy, it’s a serious question.

Hostess: Maybe someone will join you if you sit at a booth!
Stewart: I am here with my girlfriend.
Hostess: How much are you paying her to pretend?
Stewart: We’ve banged.
Hostess: Wow, so, a lot then!

Stewart: You are too hot for one thought balloon.
Margaret: I know.

Sandy: You’re fully one thought balloon yourself, champ!
Stewart: Can we be reseated in a cool university kids section? Please?

Berjes: We asked the cool kids and they said no.

Margaret: We’re gonna be leaving university this year, Stewart.
Stewart: Yeah, I guess we’ll have to get used to these people.
Margaret: It won’t be so bad! We’ll only get like a third of the screen time we’ve been getting. University is freaking ridiculous.

Stewart: I’ll drink to that!
Margaret: You’re a university student. You’ll drink to anything.

Berjes: THOSE ARE THE FINGERBOWLS

Margaret: I got some fancy Hell’s Kitchen style crap.
Stewart: I got a menu?

Stewart: I only got a menu.
Margaret: Guess you’re on a diet now.

Stewart: Can I have some of yours?
Margaret: There isn’t enough here to feed a womrat.

Stewart: What if I blow you a kiss?
Ally: I appreciate the sentiment but you’re just not my type.

Margaret: There’s no accounting for taste.
Stewart: Of course there is. Ever since Nightlife.

Stewart: You know my stupid kid brother?
Margaret: The flat one?
Stewart: Yeah!

Stewart: He was private schooled. Can you say loser?
Margaret: Weren’t you both private schooled?

Stewart: Yeah, but… I… was cool about it.

Ms. Crumplebottom: ONE SLIP-UP AND IT GETS THE HANDBAG

Stewart: Let’s check out the tower. I’m reasonably sure nobody will help the old bat cross the street.

Margaret: We can drive here when we get a car!
Stewart: If they give Rosemarie back her license we’re driving everywhere and never getting out.

Margaret: You’re dangerously close to being one of those people that only has one dimension to them.
Stewart: YOU MEAN LIKE HOW MY BROTHER WAS ONE-DIMENSIONAL AFTER ROSEMARIE RAN HIM OVER WITH HER CAR?!

Stewart might be one-dimensional but the scenery here sure ain’t.

Margaret: It’s so hot that you insist on taking the stairs!
Stewart: They forgot to remove the ropes from around the elevator.

Stewart: Are you seriously still heartfarting back there?
Margaret: It’s safe, nobody’s downwind of me.

Stewart: Even heartfart jokes are gross.

Margaret: This thing is pretty cool. Who did you say designed it?
Stewart: Dude with a tiny dick.
Margaret: I probably could have guessed that.

Margaret: I’d say he’s compensated for it pretty well.

Stewart: Some neat views in here!

Thanks!

Stewart: I mean, I can see down Margaret’s shirt when we’re on alternating staircases.

Margaret: The magic lives on!

Margaret: I thought this was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. How come you’re walking like you’ve got a purpose?
Stewart: Am I? I wouldn’t even know what that looks like.

Stewart: Welp, there it is. Where we met.
Margaret: I can see the ledge where we first had sex!
Stewart: Don’t look too closely, in case someone else is following our lead.

Stewart: I’m so lucky I found you.
Margaret: You really are, eh?

Oh my god, your school jacket is monogrammed.

Margaret: No wonder he kisses so well! He’s channeling all the douchebags of the world!

I have a monogrammed school jacket.

Margaret: See?

WRETCHED CLOCK

You have no idea the pain it causes me.

Stewart: It’s pretty great for auspicious occasions, though.
Margaret: So you can remember what time you made out with me? Hate to tell you this buddy, but it’ll be happening more often than you can make note of.

Stewart: I had something even more memorable planned, actually.
Margaret: My makeouts aren’t memorable enough?!

Stewart: They’re memorable enough that I want a permanent claim on them.
Margaret: We’re adding a business relationship to our romantic one?

Margaret: It’s my job to make this hard for you.

Stewart: That’s what she said!

Stewart: We’re ruining this.

Stewart: Margaret Wolosenko, will you open this box for me?

Margaret: OH MY GOSH WILL YOU MARRY ME?!

Stewart: …uh… I was gonna ask.
Margaret: Why? You didn’t get an awesome ring from me!

Stewart: Mine appears automatically. Assuming we’ve proposed to each other here somewhere.

Margaret: Let’s both just say “I will” then.
Stewart: I will!
Margaret: I already said it, so.

Margaret: Now I’m wearing your hat.

The Sims 2: Good luck, you guys! I’m a water tower 🙂

Stewart: Talking water tower.

Margaret: Yup.

Congratulations Stewart, on lengthening your life.

Sorry Margaret, you just shortened yours.

Margaret: My association with you is apparently dangerous.
Stewart: Only if you get any of my icky boringness on you.

Cameron and Tucker: Five, four, three-

What are you-

Cameron and Tucker: two, one-

NO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Stewart: Man, fuck Centreborough.

Really.

Stewart: We need to be fast!
Margaret: We could do it somewhere else!
Stewart: NOT ROMANTIC ENOUGH HURRY

Stewart: I should have… tape-recorded… my lines…
Margaret: Breathe… breathe…

Margaret: Maybe… he should fix… the game…

I’m working on it.

As I recall, anyway.

Stewart: QUICK OVER HERE
Margaret: We could do it in the doorway!
Stewart: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Stewart: …hey, what a pretty view.
Margaret: WE DON’T HAVE TIME

Stewart: I wanted the moment to be special.
Margaret: Silly man! Only main characters get their wants fulfilled.

Stewart: You’d be really hot if your head was a giant blue hand.

MAN, that ass.

Stewart: Show me later.

Stewart: Okay, it’s going right this time.
Margaret: Stop jinxing it!

Stewart: Margaret Wolosenko, you… wow. That angle.
Margaret: Do I need to put a sweater on so you can finish?

Stewart and Margaret: That’s what she said.

Stewart: Will you marry me?
Margaret: OH MY GOSH SAME ANGLE

Margaret: I will! Assuming this is the main timeline now!

Stewart: Not many guys get engaged twice on the same day to the same chick!

Stewart: Your hair is in my mouth.
Margaret: Constants and variables.

Stewart: You’re the only girl for me, Maggie.
Margaret: Let’s not start our engaged life with a lie, Stewie.

Margaret: Alright, come on. We need to consummate this engagement by leaving.

Shiny happy people.

Stewart: My hand is stuck.

Leave him to die! We gotta MOVE!

Stewart: Just for that I’m gonna stand here and jam for a bit.

♪ Oh, Maggie, I wish I’d… never seen your face!

Meanwhile WHAT.

Amin: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

GET OUT OF HERE! REALITY’S COLLAPSING!

GET OUT OF HERE! YOU’RE LOCKED IN DAISY’S BASEMENT!

GET OUT OF HERE!

Stewart: But I’m tired.

Stewart: Oh, fine. You ready to save our engagement into the character files?

Margaret: I’m sure they’re corrupted beyond repair already anyhow.

Margaret: You getting cold feet or something?
Stewart: Nope! I do this between every single interaction! He never takes pics of it because it pisses him off.

SO VERY MUCH

Leave her to die! We gotta MOVE!

Margaret: And you actually left?!
Stewart: He said we had to MOVE!

Stewart: Bought you some jewellery.
Margaret: Really? What is it?!
Stewart: Who knows? It happened four years ago realtime.

Margaret: Did you get the readers anything nice?
Stewart: Grugly? You wanna handle this one?

Sure! Here you go, readers; to celebrate Stewart and Margaret’s engagement.

Hey, you’re welcome.

Stewart: You need a shower.
Margaret: You noticed!

Margaret: Hey Rose! Walkin’ all over you here! Booyah!

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE

Stewart: Why not with the shower making.
Margaret: Use your words!
Stewart: Use soap.

Margaret: The men’s shower is in use.

THE MEN’S SHOWER IS FOR MENS

Stewart: A lifetime of annoying the Maker together begins now.

LIFETIME IS A VARIABLE.

Stewart: Seriously though, you stink. Fix it.

Stewart: BINARIES AREN’T COMPLICATED

Stewart: Are you seriously this retarded?
Margaret: PLEASE make me a playable so I can deal with this shit!

I’ll make you controllable temporarily. But you owe me for it.

Margaret: And now we’re even.

Stewart: Wow, did I really look like that four years ago?

Yeah.

You’ve gotten a lot worse lately, eh?

Margaret: I feel like you spent all your improvements budget on me.

You renovate mansions, not hovels.

Margaret: You have a really adversarial relationship with the Maker, huh.
Stewart: He doesn’t know how to have any other kind.

Margaret: I wonder what kind of apartment we can afford with our stipend savings.
Stewart: Oh, I own a house.

Margaret: OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD YES

Stewart: I own some robots, too!
Margaret: Five orgasms is my limit, mister.

Stewart: I wish I could find a home for all you poor townies and dormies.
Margaret: Rosemarie can’t move in with us.

Stewart: Feeling really charitable today, aren’t we.
Margaret: Have you seen her eat?

Rosemarie: AWM A SCHNOWFLAKE

Margaret: His family can’t visit, either.

What about Stephen?

Margaret: Mmmmmmm HEY SHUT UP

Rosemarie: I mean, what’s she got on me, really? Bigger tits? A better ass? No history of vehicular manslaughter?
August: She’s not a psycho stalker?

Rosemarie: I’LL GET HER FOR THAT

Rosemarie: Look at me. I’ve got it all! Red hair, deep blue eyes, a semitransparent bra…

…I never noticed that before.

Rosemarie: NEXT SLIDE

Rosemarie: Seriously dude, watch some porn.

What do you think I’m doing?

Fucking hipster.

August: No, it’s a legit decision. Listen:

♪ I am like a bird ♪

KILL IT WITH FIRE

MAKE LOVE TO IT WITH DICKS

Ira: I’ve missed you, too.

You sure do duckface a lot.

Margaret: So you don’t have to!

Off to the roof to do your homework, I suppose?

Cheryl: At least it’s used for something.

Not that I’m complaining or anything, but that’s hardly outerwear.

Margaret: I’m gonna be a playable soon! I have to build an entire entitlement complex from scratch.

A superiority complex might be easier to cultivate.

I’m surprised to see you doing assignments.

Rosemarie: I just write stories about Stewart and Margaret dying in them. I’m fucking my TA, he doesn’t care.

Harmony: She needs to leave some slots open for the rest of us to get grades.

Harmony: Thanks for avoiding the “slots” joke again.

It’s my one blind spot, apparently.

Rosemarie: THAT GUY

He’s pretty dumb.

Stewart: I keep staring at it, and it keeps not writing itself.

Welcome to my life.

Yeah, you’d better get a fresh one out.

I’m sure none of THESE will work.

You fucking maniacs.

Hard at work I see.

♪ A-B-C! Easy as 1-2-3! ♪

Stewart: Refreshing myself on the basics.

Stewart: Oh yeah! Graduatin’ soon! All you losers, prepare for limbo.

Brooke: Take us with you.
Stewart: I might need a maid.

Brooke: Is he watching?

…is that Mars?

And that’s how we lost our TV.

Coy: That was a close one!
Cheryl: Should I finish the job?

Coy: Were you about to shove me?
Cheryl: HMM WHAT IS THERE SOMEONE BEHIND ME

Stewart: Whenever I get the chance, baby.

Stewart: Is she making a cute face?

Yep.

Stewart: Can I-

NOPE.

Stewart: There might be a chance for us later, when I’m back in the single pool. Relationships don’t last very long around here. I’ll expect you to wait for me.

Cheryl: Assume I’m doing that.

Cheryl: What a horrible outlook you have! Why aren’t you ever happy with the perfect girls you’ve got? You’re like the ugliest picky guy I know.

Stewart: At least I’m not boring.
Cheryl: Or self-aware!

Stewart: Yeah, that would suck too.

Margaret: I’ve been back here the whole time.
Stewart: No you haven’t.
Margaret: I just said it so you’d admit to anything bad you’ve been doing.

August: I’m dancing by myself! ON PURPOSE

Calvin: I’m dancing with a hot chick!
Margaret: Near a hot chick.

Calvin: Oh, thank god, the pressure was killing me.

Calvin: I’m so lonely.

Margaret: I’m rapidly losing empathy for that.

Wow, you don’t often see night-time wood.

Stewart: Do I have to knock? Since we did the rings and everything?

Margaret: Yes. Turns out I’m still my own person.
Stewart: Weird.

Stewart: Are these crumbs?
Margaret: Never leave your door unlocked.

Margaret: Does your house in Pine Valley have a view like this?
Stewart: Unfortunately no. It looks out on a valley.
Margaret: What’s in the valley?
Stewart: Spruce, surprisingly.

Stewart: Does being engaged excite you?
Margaret: Why would it excite me?
Stewart: Because I’m awesome?

Margaret: Who told you that?

Stewart: You might have screamed it into your pillow last night.
Margaret: You told me you were a homeowner! That’s some serious aphrodesiac shit right there!

Cheryl: Yeah, go ahead and do whatever, I’m not here.

Cheryl: My time slot’s almost up anyway.

Calvin: Mind if I stink?

They don’t seem to mind much of anything right now.

Celeste: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Coy: YOU’VE OUTDONE YOURSELF CELESTE
Celeste: I THINK YOU MEAN UNDONE

August: We need to kill this woman.

August: Seriously, she’s batshit bananas.

August: The water’s nowhere near you, Celeste!
Celeste: What water?

Celeste: What temperature do you cook salad at?

Stewart: I heard screaming outside.
Margaret: They’re probably imitating me from earlier.

Rosemarie: My psych study on how many books dormies can leave lying around the building is almost complete!

Stewart: MAN your boobs are a lot to take in all at once.
Margaret: Maybe you should sleep with blinders on.

August: You… want this?
Coy: I just like to watch.

Harmony: Time’s almost up, worm! You never did woo me!

August: Stewart’s girlfriend is way hotter than you, skanky chick.

Stewart: August took my burn, Harmony. It’s been nice knowing you.

Harmony: More like nice blowing you.
August: I’m game!

Stewart: MUST STAY FAITHFUL MUST STAY FAITHFUL
August: Why? That just means somebody’ll steal your wife.

Or your life.

August: I need to start taking pictures.

You can have mine.

Harmony: IS THIS A THING NOW

Stewart: Do you guys expect to spend the rest of eternity in university? ‘cuz ain’t nobody marrying y’all and moving you in.

Stewart: You’ll never amount to anything this way!
August: That’s not true! We’re all holding out hope for the next big apocalypse.

That’s what I did for most of the summer.

In my house.

I have issues.

Some of them are more pleasant than others.

Celeste: Enough with the preamble, get to the porn!
Stewart: Don’t know any porns that start with mopping, Celeste.
Celeste: I’m willing to accept it as long as you treat me rough.

Stewart: I’m surprised we never did have sex, Celeste.

Stewart: And so very, very relieved.

Rosemarie: You could take her home as luggage!

August: Yeah, I think I’ll be happy spending eternity here.

Stewart: Clearly I’d take the cheerleaders home, if anyone.
August: I thought we had something.

Margaret: Guess we’ll be neighbours, Rosemarie!
Stewart: Rosemarie’s moving in with the prostitutes.
Margaret: STEWART!
Rosemarie: Hey, no, it’s true.

Celeste: Just kill me already.

I’ll miss the sights of this place.

The smells, not so much.

Brooke: I bet we can barricade the doors with books and keep the playables here.

Jewel: I’m glad she’s keeping busy.

Jewel: Unlike some people.

You can come home with me if you like.

Rosemarie: Sounds like you have clean floors, at least.

Rosemarie: It’s a self-portrait!

Good luck with your prostitution.

Stewart: Observe, if you will! Nothing up my sleeve!

Did you really spend four years at university learning to be a magician?!

Stewart: That was my first trick!

Your second was making it rain indoors, I’m guessing?

Pamela: The plumbing leaks.
Rosemarie: So why are you using it.
Pamela: Entropy.

Harmony: You’re with ENTROPY?!
Pamela: No, just plain old entropy. To be evil enough for ENTROPY I’d have to watch people shit or something.

I need more not white people.

Margaret: You aren’t getting rid of me that easily!
Rosemarie: Who said anything about getting rid of you? I bet you’d look stunning in blackface.

August: That’s nice, have fun with that.

Pamela: I can never eat here again.

Stewart: That makes poo of us.

You can’t see it, but his thought bubble looks the same.

Okay, okay, look at this. Shameful! I retook this pic to hide the leg floating in from the right. WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS AN IMPROVEMENT.

Stewart: Gonna ride you like a horse, baby!

Stewart: Not really, it’s… just part of the dance.
Margaret: I was willing to hear an explanation, if not a proposal.

Stewart: Gosh, you’re beautiful!
Margaret: Aww, thanks!
Stewart: Not you.

Cheryl: Aw, thanks?

Margaret: You really know how to make a girl feel special.
Stewart: Yeah, I think she appreciated it.

Stewart: Oh no, Pamela’s been drained by a vampire! Gotta get help!
Pamela: Late for your midterm, huh?

Rosemarie: Oh no, Stewart’s pants are sentient and they’re taking him away! I’ve gotta save him!
Pamela: Late for your midterm too, huh?

Stewart: Just the final exam now, baby!
Rosemarie: I am not your baby. I am my own baby.

Stewart: So, you’re Rosemarie’s B-
Rosemarie: SHUT UP SHUT UP I GET IT ALREADY

Rosemarie: Why is it called a midterm when we’re nearly done?
Stewart: It’s not, really. It’s the final exam for the first term. But we get a pass on coursework for the second term if we meet the skill requirements. So, the final exam for the second term is the real final exam, and the other one is a midterm. They did it that way to shorten the school year, because the old system produced a zombie apocalypse out of student and authorial boredom.

Rosemarie: This story needs an FAQ.
Stewart: But there’s nobody here to ask questions, unfortunately.

Stewart: If I head back to the real world, are you gonna kill me?

I’m still thinking about it.

Stewart: About whether or not, or about how?

Teehee.

Rosemarie: Don’t worry, I’ll tell my kids about you. Nothing positive, mind you, but then, what would there be to tell?

Rosemarie: Guess I’m never finishing this.

It’ll go next to the unfinished portrait of Washington, I have no doubt.

There’ll be lots of time for that when you’re back in Pine Valley.

Stewart: Pretty sure the moment we make out in Pine Valley you’re gonna have us get hit by a falling airplane or something.

Rosemarie: I’ll go get my pilot’s license.

Rosemarie: I can’t wait to box all this stuff up, let it gather dust and discolour, and finally throw it out in my twilight years, pregnant with regrets.

It won’t be your first pregnancy, judging by your choice of occupation.

Stewart: Do you think it’s true that the relationships you forge at university last a lifetime?

Rosemarie: IT’S TRUE

…I honestly never noticed those.

AND I PUT THEM THERE.

Pamela: What.

Rosemarie: Easier than looting the dorm fund with currency.

You’re jerking off through your pocket, aren’t you.

Stewart: Jacket and pants! Double penetration!

Rosemarie: Alright, life. I’m ready for whatever silly outfits you want to throw at me.

Rosemarie: Send me back to Pine Valley, bitch! Have fun not existing until the next suckers arrive!

Margaret: How did you know I was sucking?

Margaret: Teehee.

Rosemarie: This isn’t so bad. I guess life is pulling its punches for later.

Rosemarie: You’ll protect me, right?

I’ll protect you from anything that is neither hilarious nor dramatic.

So, Stewart mostly.

Rosemarie: Stewart is enough.

Stewart: That’s the only thing anyone’s ever said about me!

Stewart: I have a feeling these will become important later.

Nah.

Stewart: I’m going to leave this place! I’m on the roof!

You might want to rephrase that.

Stewart: Can I graduate my girlfriend too?
Registrar: …no?
Stewart: It’s okay! She’s not a real person yet!

Stewart: No, ma’am, that’s not what I meant!

Stewart: She said something so vile, I think it’s aging me.

Into something even more vile.

Stewart: Oh yeah. Look out ladies, here I come!

Oh, you are gonna jump?

Andrzej: I am sad that they are leaving.

I am glad that you are staying.

Andrzej: You are too kind.

Andrzej: I shall ball up Rosemarie’s sheets and dick them.

Cheryl: Did somebody go back in time and seduce one of my parents?

Stewart: Don’t fuck with a magician.

Stewart: I’m going to do nothing but make out for a week.

That’s pretty much how I feel when school’s out.

Only instead of making out, I do this.

Ugh.

So long, UoC!

By which I mean, YOUR UPDATES WERE SO LONG, UoC!

Next time: a new year, and some new beginnings.

Awful ones.

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