Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Who needs plot when you’ve got porn?
In which sex is exchanged for money, in the form of flowers.
Elle: This is looking pretty respectable! Must be a whorehouse.
I guess I was showing off how I opened her clothes in Body Shop and removed the awful purple fingernails.
Completely failing to notice the flesh tone inside her dress, no doubt.
Kendra: I’m just saying, I’ve been open for years and you’ve never once taken advantage of my services! I’m starting to think you don’t like me or something.
Who was that?
Kendra: Someone who used to contribute regularly to my finances.
Michael: Luckily our pre-nup nixed child support payments.
YOU INVITED YOUR EX-HUSBAND OVER?!
Michael: Um, no? My ex-wife invited ME over!
I WAS TALKING TO KENDRA
Michael: Oh, is she in this pic somewhere?
Michael: Hey baby! Hard feelings!
Kendra: We’ve made that joke here before somewhere.
It was a variant.
Michael: How’ve… you… been.
Kendra: Business is steady. You?
Michael: I… am also… steady.
Kendra: It’s the money trees, right?
Michael: So… fucking… hot.
Kendra: You can touch them if you like.
Michael: HOW MUCH CUM IS ON THEM
Michael: Anyway, you can’t pay for my forgiveness!
Kendra: I cheated on you. You then ruined my life.
Michael: Right? You’re clearly in the wrong here.
Kendra: Well, I’ve done pretty damn good without you. I’ve made lots of new friends!
Michael: How many of them do you charge.
Kendra: All of them! That’s the best kind of friend.
Michael: Hah! Friends. I friends. I friends can yes. No, or! And then. WHAT THE FUCK YOUR DRESS
Kendra: What about it?
Michael: Anyway, Poppy re-lesbianized herself and left me. I’m sure that’s your fault somehow.
Kendra: Has it occured to you that she might have been gay all along? You are a very pretty lady, Michael.
Kendra: And as I recall, you don’t exactly have the best male sex organ in recorded history.
Michael: In the hands of the right sex organist it’s a thing of beauty, I assure you.
Kendra: Did you just make that term up? Because I’m seriously going to use it as my job title from now on.
Michael: I expect royalties.
Kendra: You can take them out in trade.
Michael: Or I could rob you. I hear the Chief of Police hates your guts.
Kendra: Which one, Victor? Oh, he just got mad that after our date I banged like half a dozen hoodlums on the grass.
Michael: You’ve gotten sexy in your middle age, Kendra.
Kendra: I’m over here.
Nothing says “sexy” like one big ol’ upper leg.
Kendra: I’m glad you came, Michael.
Michael: How could you tell? Is there a stain?
Kendra: You start doing that and I’m gonna go on the clock.
Michael: As long as you’re also on the pill, I’m game!
Kendra: There is no pill, I think that was established in an earlier chapter.
Michael: It was just a caption punchline.
Kendra: Shit! Now there isn’t one for here!
Michael: You’re a lot more attractive when I don’t need to pay for all your upkeep, Kendra.
Kendra: If you’d let me stay in your house, you could have had a cut.
Kendra: Although I guess being a pimp might have harmed your political career.
Michael: But honed my political skills, no doubt!
Kendra: I hear our neighbours are cheating on each other!
Michael: Yes, all of them always. Specifically?
Kendra: I saw Jerome making the moves on Cecilia Phelps at that hideous new tower he designed!
Michael: That’s nothing! They put about a thousand miles on the upholstery of his car when they got back!
Kendra: …how do you know that?
Michael: …my telescope? Of course?
Michael: DON’T TELL ME I NEVER TOLD YOU I’M A PEEPING TOM
Kendra: I guess it’s not your worst feature.
Kendra: Wanna take a roll in the hay?
Michael: That hay.
Michael: I could do this here forever.
Kendra: It’s like you grew another two inches!
Michael: If you’d let me rest my laptop on your back, I could manage my stocks and utterly destroy you.
Michael: Seriously though, you are almost as hot as all this money.
Michael: He keeps sneaking these higher quality, non-in-game pics in and thinks nobody will notice.
Kendra: Like your dick normally, with most women?
Michael: That was a reach.
Kendra: Like your dick normally, with most women?
Michael: I’ve got a solid six inches here!
Kendra: And when it’s flaccid it’s invisible.
Michael: I don’t have to take this abuse.
Kendra: No, but you are paying for it.
Michael: Can I talk to my son?
Kendra: Depends. What are you willing to pay?
Michael: Well, I’m a judge. I could get the cops off your back!
Kendra: I don’t mind them on my back. I want them off my ass.
Michael: Surprise! Your daddy’s a cracker!
Michael: Not literally!
You idiot! We decided not to use racist terminology in an earlier chapter!
Michael: I don’t know if you realize this but I CAN’T READ YOUR EARLIER CHAPTERS
Michael: Anyway Richard, daddy is rich so when you get sick of mommy crawl to Pine Valley and look him up.
Michael: Avoid the roads, they’ll tear up that boss jacket something fierce.
Kendra: Fuck, he snagged some while I was bent over.
Kendra: Luckily I am a sexpert pickpocket.
Kendra: It was nice seeing you, Michael.
Michael: Our kid is an idiot.
Kendra: Just like his daddy!
Michael: Man, your mouth both giveth and taketh away.
Kendra: It’s a real asset in this business.
Kendra: Chapter’s still going.
I’m confused too.
Michael: I’m writing this off as a business expense. And then billing the city.
Kendra: Hey, Emily! Sorry I’m late calling you, I had to fuck my ex first. For money. Yeah, it’s pretty great.
Kendra: Anyhoo, you never paid your bill! I can’t keep seeing customers if they’re not gonna pay. But I’ve thought of a way you can work it off, and make a few bucks on the side!
Kendra: I’m giving you a hint, but you can’t see it.
Phoebe: PFFFFT I could rust better than that.
Emily: I think I’m about to become a prostitute.
Hey, at least you got warning!
Emily: Yes, I’ll do it. Bye.
Emily: I need to figure out what benefits I want covered.
Kendra: Hey! I didn’t even make my propositioning proposition yet!
Emily: There’s just something I need to do first.
Emily: BREAK MY TOES
Emily: Yay! My first fucking.
You should have gotten him to pay you first, though.
Kendra: Okay, here’s the deets. My ex is gonna handle the cops. You and I just need to handle the cocks.
Kendra: If they get rough, kick the ever-loving shit out of them. The Maker hates violence against women.
Axes don’t count, though – axes are good for both genders.
Kendra: It’ll mostly be ugly townie dudes, but some of them are also hilarious-looking so there’s that.
Kendra: Overconfident much?
Emily: What? Oh, no. I’m just imagining playing basketball with a john’s severered head.
Emily: All net, baby.
Emily: Hey! Hands off!
Kendra: This is the part where I teach you to be a good prostitute via lesbian sex!
Emily: You watch too much Game of Thrones.
Kendra: You need some rhythm, honky.
Let’s put a moratorium on “honky” until I figure out what horrible thing white people did to earn it.
Kendra: So, this, what we’re doing here, is called the “middle-class virgin.”
Kendra: You need to put your back in it!
Emily: Why? It looks strenuous.
Kendra: Because you’ll spend the rest of the time on your back, so the stretching will do you good.
Emily: I’m more of an on-top person.
Kendra: People pay to get what they want, though.
Emily: When’s the last time you got what you wanted by paying for it, though?
Emily: I think the secret to good service is to give them something good, but not exactly what they wanted, so they keep coming back to see if they can get that too.
Kendra: And that’s why you won’t dance the way I want you too?
Emily: That, and I am a middle class virgin.
Kendra: This will be your room. And you’re not a virgin.
Emily: It looks nice! And someone told me lesbian sex doesn’t count.
Kendra: Was it a horny lesbian by any chance?
Amar: NOOOOOOO YOU HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR
Kendra: You’re gonna… play chess with the customers?
Emily: Strip chess!
Kendra: And how will that make us money?
Emily: I’m a chess master.
Emily: At what point does it become extortion, though? I want to cut it close, but not too close.
Kendra: This sure is sexy.
Emily: Use your imagination, read a book. Sex doesn’t have to be all ass-down in the grass!
Emily: If we’re gonna build a high-class establishment, we need to get creative!
Kendra: I was kinda getting a kick out of the low-class thing I had going here, honestly.
Kendra: Also you suck at chess.
Kendra: So, strip already!
Emily: This is extortion!
Kendra: And for your next lesson-
Emily: IF DANCING THEN SHOWER
Kendra: Not a lot of call for an OCD prostitute, Emily.
Emily: We’ll call it “anal retentive,” that’ll rope ’em in.
Emily: I use my head! That’s how I get ahead!
Kendra: Now you can round that phrase out by giving head.
Kendra: And whatever the fuck you do, don’t be a tool and start liking these people.
Emily: Now you suck at chess!
Kendra: I don’t even know the rules, actually.
Kendra: That’s enough schooling for one day.
Emily: Duelling schooling!
Kendra: NO MORE CLEVER
Emily: So, we’re partners?
Kendra: Fuck no! I own your ass.
Emily: It’s quivering with excitement.
Kendra: You know, traditionally, the girls in a brothel get to know each other really well.
Emily: We could start a new tradition of minding our own fucking business, though.
Kendra: Or we could do hot lesbian stuff.
Emily: Because that works out so well in this neighbourhood.
Emily: If I knocked you out and took all this money, what would you do?
Kendra: Call the police and offer a freebie if they catch you, two freebies if they use lethal force.
Emily: Your mom is a menace.
Emily: And so are you.
Kendra: That’s it! Act like maybe you’re not a grandma!
Emily: Says the woman who buys used Victorian wallpaper!
Kendra: Show me your flirting face.
Emily: Am so doing.
Kendra: Needs more eyelash flutter.
Emily: In a still picture that’s just gonna look like I have black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
Kendra: And now we’re talking about Jaws, well done.
Emily: I really don’t need any help with this stuff.
Kendra: I just assumed since we didn’t end the chapter with Michael leaving that we were never gonna end it, and starting making up my own subplots.
Emily: It’s been like fifty pics of this prostitute chapter since sex happened.
Kendra: Don’t spoil it.
Kendra: Alright, we need to pick out some clients for you.
Emily: Don’t they usually pick us?
Kendra: In the real world probably, but the Maker doesn’t know shit about that.
I’ll admit to knowing remarkably little about prostitutes, anyway.
Emily: I like nice men who smell nice.
Kendra: Oh, you poor, deluded darling.
Emily: Okay, well, I’ll smell nice, then.
Never stand like that again.
Emily: This how you get your kicks?
Emily: Here’s how I get mine.
Kendra: Anything you break comes out of your wages.
Emily: How much do hearts cost? Za-zing!
Emily: Seriously though, fuck this thing.
Emily: FUCK IT TO HELL
Kendra: This one time my ex husband was a jerk!
Emily: No way why’d you divorce him?!
Kendra: No no listen he’s a businessman with enemies!
Emily: That can’t be normal!
Kendra: He hated this girl for reasons I forget!
Emily: You tell the best stories!
Richard: I hate everything.
Emily: …were those his first words?
Emily: Let’s go shopping.
Emily: Shopping solves everything!
Brooke: I can’t shop. I’m an NPC.
Emily: Except that.
Kendra: I’m Kendra. What’s your opinion on prostitutes?
Kendra: Not really what we’re looking for, but thanks.
Kendra: No, it’s okay, I get it.
Kendra: …that was a real punch.
Kendra: …did you punch my boobs into my heart or something?
Emily: What do you think?
I think you must not like it, because I use it for someone else later.
Emily: Hi! I’m Emily!
Ian: I’m Ian!
Emily: Those speech identifiers can be really redundant sometimes.
Emily: So hey, gingerface.
Emily: WHY’D YOU PUNCH MY HO-FRIEND?
Ian: BECAUSE SHE CHARGES TOO MUCH TO TOUCH HER NICELY
Ian: If you’re good for a nickel, though, I’m game!
Kendra: Was that a load-bearing breast or something?
Kendra: Oh hey, wait, I know what’s happening.
Kendra: I’m having a fatal heart attack.
Emily: What’s everyone looking at?
Emily: Oh! Sorry, my psychic radar is a bit slow today.
Kendra: Why did one punch do this?!
Because it’s a stupid plot device I’m immediately going to regret.
Kendra: You remember how we kissed earlier?
Kendra: And how we hugged?
Emily: Oh yes.
Kendra: Then you can do CPR.
Emily: THIS IS FUCKING STUPID
The Grim Reaper: DON’T SHOUT AT ME
Emily: YOU’RE SHOUTING TOO
The Grim Reaper: THIS IS MY TALKING TEXT
Emily: WELL THAT’S STUPID
Michael: WHY AM I CONVENIENTLY HERE
Lexie: I’M NOT ACTUALLY HERE
Yes, everyone crowd in there.
Let’s get some asphyxiations going too.
Emily: Hey, can we talk about this?
The Grim Reaper: NO. I DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU.
Brooke: I’m leaving this for the night shift to clean up.
Emily: PLEASE DON’T TAKE KENDRA
The Grim Reaper: GUESS YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED THAT CPR CRAP.
Emily: She’s the nicest prostitute I’ve ever moved in with!
The Grim Reaper: I COULD TAKE THIS UGLY TOWNIE INSTEAD I GUESS
Yes, do us all a favour.
The Grim Reaper: PICK A HAND, ANY HAND.
Emily: HOW IS THIS GRIM
The Grim Reaper: THE RESULTS, MAINLY.
Emily: Which hand was it, Lexie?
Lexie: I’m not here, I’m trapped in an attic.
WAKE THE FUCK UP GRUGLY
Emily: I dunno! Pick a hand yourself.
The Grim Reaper: SHIT! I SHOULDN’T HAVE FALLEN FOR THAT!
Emily: Woo! I win at deathball!
Emily: And on that day, death was denied.
The Grim Reaper: NEVER DENIED.
The Grim Reaper: ONLY REDIRECTED.
Gina: It’s probably for the best.
Gina: Remember me!
Arcadia: I hope she’s talking to someone who knows her.
Kendra: Hey, neat! You killed a white chick for me!
The Grim Reaper: STAY AWAY FROM MEAT CLEAVERS.
Kendra: What did he say?
Emily: Something about Ward Cleaver?
Kendra: Is that another white folk thing?
SOMETIMES THE JOKE HAS TO BE MADE
Emily: Not that time, though.
Ian: So, how long is it cool for us to mob the women’s bathroom for?
Emily: I thought I’d lost you!
Kendra: I just went to the washroom for fuck’s sake.
Emily: I meant when you died.
Kendra: Oh that.
Aurora: COMPETITIVE SCIENCEBALLS YOU IN?!
Lexie: I’m not here!
Michael: Gotta get me back one of those!
Gina: I wasn’t important!
Kendra: Hey Ian! It was nice beating you!
Ian: You didn’t beat me.
Kendra: THANKS FOR REMINDING ME
Ian: OW OW OW THINK OF YOUR HEART WOMAN
Michael: My money’s on the prostitute!
Brooke: So… you guys… all live here now?
Uma: You can’t fight in here! This is the wear room!
Kiera: Go, violent dude! Do your thing!
Lexie: I’m still not here.
Ian: That’s it, ho! Show off your shameful skindress to the world!
Lexie: Mmm mmm mmm I’m not here!
Michael: I’ll get him arrested for you.
Kendra: Try for the death penalty, okay?
Michael: Your girlfriend’s already on it.
Emily: I’M GOING TO DEAD YOU
Ian: Try that on for size! ‘cuz this is a clothing store.
Kendra: THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS IN DOUBT
Kendra: Not so tough without your… whatever made you tough before, are you?
Ian: Go have another heart attack, heart attacky person!
Ian: I’ve always wanted a nemesis!
Kendra: Your butt seems to be here.
Lexie: It’s just that good.
Ian: I’M NAMING MY SHIT AFTER YOU
Kendra: I WOULD DEAD YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW
Kendra: IF I COULD GET IN THERE
When I was being kinda queer
I liked a girl who wasn’t here.
She wasn’t here again today!
She’s stuck inside a roof, okay?
Michael: My thought balloon. It is you.
Kendra: IAN HOURVITZ? MORE LIKE IAN HOUR SHITS
Ian: I eat a lot of bran!
Kendra: AND I EAT A LOT OF MAN
Kendra: This is supposed to be a story about empowerment!
Ian: Is it, though?
Ian: MAYBE IT’S A STORY ABOUT DOUBLE STANDARDS
Kendra: Pretty sure it’s still wrong to beat up weaker people?
Ian: MY CREAKY PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS ARE UNASSAILABLE
Lexie: While I’m not here, I might as well do this.
Ian: Can you get a heart attack from having your butt stomped?
It’s probably for the best that none of that happened.
Emily: Oh, the adventures we didn’t have!
Kendra: They sure were long.
Emily: Let’s go on more!
Next time: more college drama.
Now with blowjobs!
Emily: That sounds like our kind of adventure!
I SAID NO.