The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 161

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Monday, Wednesday and Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Warning: things happen.


I see we have a party today.

Charles: Hello, Ms. White!
Daisy: What’s that faint buzzing sound, Melanie?

Melanie: That’s my boyfriend, Charles.
Daisy: Kind of a step down from your husband, isn’t he? Or, rather, an entire staircase.

Iris: We have visitors, ugly. In need of our help.

Kaylynn: I can’t wait to “help” Melanie the way she “helped” me.

Melanie: I have a bad feeling about this.

Nonsense! Who’d want to hurt you? Besides everyone.

Daisy: You guys can stay at my house until you find your own place.
Charles: I’m not sure that’s such a hot idea.
Daisy: There’s that buzzing again.

Daisy: Thanks for sending me all of William’s money!
Melanie: It’s my money too.
Daisy: Oh yeah? How much does Zombie Queening pay, anyway?

Charles: I like her, she’s mean.
Melanie: She has to be! She plays Cecilia Phelps on TV!
Daisy: And other places too.

Iris: I thought you knew what you were doing.

Kaylynn: I’m a natural zombie, but I’m not up on the literature anymore.

Daisy: You guys can stay in Poppy’s old room! It’s the one beside the kitchen.
Melanie: I’m not sure we want to share a bed.
Daisy: Wait’ll the end of the day to see if that still matters.

Melanie: You think Charles and I will have that good a relationship after just one more day?
Daisy: Or, you know, other stuff might happen.

Melanie: What have you got down here?
Daisy: Your future.

Daisy: Specifically it’s in the room to your left at the base of the stairs.

Iris: Oh, you guys should totally check that room out, it’s got awesome stuff in it.
Charles: What kind of stuff?
Iris: Anybody else hear a weird sort of ringing noise?

Melanie: I think this is the wrong room, Daisy’s mom! My future’s not in here.
Kaylynn: Your past is.

Kaylynn: And your past is pissed.

Charles: Literally, by the smell of it.

Kaylynn: Should I smother him with a pillow or save him for a midnight snack?

Daisy: Step 3: profit!

Melanie: I hate to break this to you, Charles, but we’re both going to die now.
Kaylynn: It gets better after that.

Charles: How much better?
Kaylynn: Depends on how much you like brains.
Melanie: Some of us have acquired quite a taste for them.

Kaylynn: You first, meatsack!
Melanie: I’m sorry, Charles, but it’s for the worst.

Melanie: Don’t struggle.

Charles: They lured us into a trap!
Kaylynn: What’s the point of having one if you can’t lure people into it?!

Charles: I’ll punch you in the boobs for this betrayal!

Melanie: Hey, this wasn’t my idea. I’m just inclined to resign myself to it.

Melanie: Hey, your eating time’s improved!
Kaylynn: I’ve been practicing for the main course.

Charles: SHE LITERALLY ATE PARTS OF ME
Melanie: You’ll be surprised how many parts are superfluous once you’re dead.

Charles: Which is now apparently.

Melanie: Look, I know you’re mad about how the whole zombie apocalypse thing turned out, but you don’t have to do this! You can have that kid you always wanted!
Kaylynn: Or I could take over the world and eat all the kids I want!

Kaylynn: EITHER WAY YOU DESERVE THIS

Melanie: I totally do.

Melanie: I guess royalty is forever.

Kaylynn: BUT I’M THE QUEEN OF YOUR ASS NOW, BITCH!

Kaylynn: Nobody’s ever beaten you in single combat!
Melanie: It’s the single part that did it! If I was wearing my shirt and pants you’d be floor paste.

All hail, Queen of the Zombies.

The Queen is dead! Long dead the Queen.

Charles: I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE SEX LATER
Kaylynn: All that whining isn’t gonna help.

Melanie: This look isn’t really working for me.

It’s kinda hot, actually.

Melanie: Know what’s hotter?

Melanie: Hot pink.

Melanie: Every good supervillain costume has to evolve with the times.

Kaylynn: I am not gonna sit here in this claustrophobic, airless hellhole with a mopey little crybaby!
Charles: IT’S MY DEATH AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO

Kaylynn: Until your tear ducts decay, anyway.
Charles: YOU’RE MAKING THAT UP

Iris: Looking good, Melanie.
Melanie: Lacks a certain something though.

Iris: Daisy stole this from the SCIA.
Melanie: What is it?
Iris: A white box with a pretty red bow, what’s it look like?

Melanie: And in the box?
Iris: Can’t you smell the blood and pus?
Melanie: YOU FOUND MY OLD CLOTHES?!

Iris: I’ll turn around while you change, I don’t need to see what that looks like naked.

Iris: VERY nice. I hear half the country quakes at the sight of those pink cargo pants.
Melanie: Now we can work on the other half.

Iris: Isn’t Melanie stunning, Kaylynn?
Kaylynn: I like my uniform better.

Kaylynn: This lacks a certain originality, you know?

Getting the band back together?

Kaylynn: Even better! Starting a new one.

Melanie: Nobody’s noticed we’re missing yet.
Charles: How do you know? You can’t get the future news from here!
Melanie: You’re NOT from the future, Charles.
Charles: Well, of course not! Where I come from, we call it the present.

Kaylynn: Send me the first playable zombie you can find!

Kaylynn: BUT PREFERABLY NOT ONE I ZOMBIFIED

Iris: What’s a band without squabbling?

Melanie: Oh, stop blubbering.
Charles: I’M GETTING IT DONE WHILE I STILL CAN

Sunny: Hey hey hey! It’s a blast from the past!
Kaylynn: Nobody remembers you.
Sunny: That’s what the blast is for!

Kaylynn: Look, I’m sorry I ate your brains and made William murder you.
Sunny: How is William?
Kaylynn: I think we’re planning to eat his brains and murder him.

Sunny: That has a certain symmetry to it!

Kaylynn: Traditionally there’s four Zombie Bitches of the Apocalypse. Feel free to pick a fourth for us.
Sunny: I thought one of the original four was a dude.
Kaylynn: You knew Don, though? Total bitch, that guy.

Sunny: I’ve always wanted to do something with my death.

Melanie: WHAT are you doing.
Charles: Your ass! It looks phenomenal in those pants!
Melanie: Well duh! All shall love me and despair!
Charles: Also you’re clipping through the desk.

Sunny: I like the blue hair, but the blue skin just isn’t me.

Sunny: Zombies! They are not very good.

Melanie: Just like old times!

Charles: I HATE THESE OLD TIMES

Melanie: Welcome to the group, Sunny!
Sunny: Thanks, I guess. Kaylynn said to pick a fourth but it turns out I’ve been dead for decades and I don’t know who else is.
Melanie: Didn’t meet anyone interesting in hell?

Sunny: I didn’t go to hell.
Iris: Well, you’re there now.

Melanie: I have one person in mind, but I think they’re still alive.

Eh, in this county it’s worth checking regularly.

Melanie: Hey Grims! I’m looking for famous zombies. Is that stupid one who kept getting shot to death still there? No, not Kaylynn, the other one.

Melanie: You were the bitch two doors down?! I thought you looked familiar!

Lora: This has been a worse than usual week.

Lora: Melanie! What the fuck! You’re a zombie!
Melanie: That’s like saying “Sean Connery! What the fuck! You’re James Bond.

Lora: SEAN CONNERY’S TOO OLD TO PLAY JAMES BOND NOW
Melanie: But luckily, you’re never too old to die!

Is that a James Bond movie? Because it sounds like one.

Lora: I hated being a zombie. People kept manipulating me and killing me and I was stuck in a basement with Bradley for so long that I almost thought I liked him.
Melanie: Not just Bradley! Kaylynn too! She’s here.

Melanie: TRY TO LEAVE AND I’LL CUT OFF YOUR FEET
Lora: Fat lot of good I’d be to you then!
Melanie: “OOH LOOK MUMMY, THAT ZOMBIE’S GOT NO FEET! WE’LL CALL HER STUMPY.”

Lora: I’m not working with Kaylynn! She’s a fucking psychopath!
Melanie: You would be too if you’d died a dozen times!
Lora: I WAS JUST DEAD A MINUTE AGO

Melanie: The “good guys” shot us and killed us and locked us in basements because they were scared. This time we scare them to death.

Lora: I’m in.

Charles: I’m flattered by the imitation! It seems really sincere.

Kaylynn: Lora can be Stumpy, I’m gonna be Soapy.

Sunny: I’ll just be Sunny.

Or maybe Dopey.

Melanie: Queeny will do.

Lora: This is fun!

Lora: Guess I’ll be Stinky.

Sunny: I wasn’t alive for this Apocalypse that apparently happened. How did it go?
Lora: At first there was panic, then there were machineguns, then we basically got curbstomped.
Melanie: Some of us got normal lives afterward!
Lora: And some of them sucked.

Kaylynn: Maybe I’ll be Nudey instead.

Skinny! Double entendre!

Kaylynn: I HATE THOSE

Sam: I want to taste your boobs.

Kaylynn: So, Iris! How come you and Daisy are planning to kill everyone?

Iris: Bills.

Iris: And also hatred.

Kaylynn: We’ve got a pretty winning team, I bet they won’t even know what hit them!
Iris: That’s nice.
Kaylynn: We’ll be eating babies by next week!
Iris: That’s… nice.

Lexie: SOMEBODY ACKNOWLEDGE ME

Andrea: Shit! That was the last experience point I needed!

Andrea: I’m not sure I want to be self-aware at this juncture.

Andrea: STOP POINTING IT’S RUDE

So… gonna age up, or what?

Andrea: If I turn out ugly, will you make me a serial killer like you did with my mom?

Yeah.

Andrea: Promise you’ll do it even if I don’t?

GROW UP ALREADY

Andrea: I’m enjoying all the matching colours around here.

Kaylynn: I WILL EAT YOU
Andrea: Okay fine.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Andrea: Ew what?

Nothing, that’s just the sound the game makes.

Andrea: I’m adorable!
Kaylynn: You’re delectable.

Kaylynn: Just kidding. For now.

Andrea: Sure is safe around here.

Andrea: EAT GRANDMA SHE’S BIGGER
Sam: SWEET NAKED HOTZOMBIES!

Melanie: BOWJIKKAJIKKAJIKKABOWJIKKAJIKKAJIKKA
Sunny: SKREEEEEEEDIDDLYDIDDLYDIDDLYDEE
Charles: YOU’RE NOT A LITERAL BAND

Sunny: Fada soola gor!
Melanie: Fada soola bron!
Charles: Are you intentionally excluding the actual cheerleader from this?

Sam: You’ve got a zombie army breeding in your basement. I don’t have a spray for that.

Daisy: How appropriate! Because I’ve just become a director.

Daisy: Who knew you could make so much money playing yourself?

Adam Sandler?

Andrea: Mommy! You’re home! Deal with the zombies.

Yeah, they’re really…

Sigh.

Zombies! Feared denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!

Kaylynn: We’ll need to pick a day with good weather. I’m not taking over the world with a soggy mohawk.

Daisy: Lookin’ good, nudey!
Kaylynn: How did you know my nickname?
Daisy: What nickname?

Kaylynn: You’re not gonna lock us in there again, are you?
Daisy: Don’t be ridiculous! That’s urn storage now.

Daisy: We’ve got lots of storage around the house lately.

Iris: Maybe we should rethink this whole thing. Get out of town for a while.
Daisy: The last time you got out of town, dad immediately found a new wife and then she killed you.
Iris: Your dad was with me on that trip. It was our honeymoon.
Daisy: Yeah, but he was probably thinkin’ about it the whole time.

Sunny: KEEP THE CONTINUITY DOWN

Sunny: And also that racket.

You guys really are coming off as a terrifying army of darkness, you know.

Andrea: You can’t smell them.

Daisy: I forgot it was Andrea’s birthday today!
Iris: It’s okay, I told her the zombies were for her.

Daisy: They basically are.

Andrea’s new bedroom lacks a certain something.

And that certain something is a door.

Iris: SERIOUSLY! How did you forget the door? HOW DID YOU BUILD IT without a door?

Daisy: ‘cuz it’s not like I can teleport right.

Daisy: Speaking of which, I need to teach you how to teleport.

Daisy: Basically, you just… um… teleport.

Andrea: These instructions are very detailed.

Daisy: I dunno how it works, it just does.
Andrea: Science!

Daisy: I lean down like this and whisper something.

Daisy: And then we do this.

Daisy: And now you can teleport.
Andrea: Shenanigans.

Daisy: Just do a backflip and it’ll happen!
Andrea: THAT’s the secret! Everyone can teleport, but nobody ever thinks to backflip!

Daisy: I really hope there’s more to it than that.

Daisy: But the evidence is convincing.

Kelsey: Why am I still a baby?

Andrea: I am already considering whether to rob the toy or candy store first.

Andrea: …so this is a joyless death-warren.

It’s amazing what electric light can do.

Andrea: How did grandpa do this?!

He stayed very flexible in his old age, due to all those chicks he insisted on fucking.

Andrea: Hi, birthday slaves!

Andrea: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KOWTOW

Andrea: Oh no, you’re multiplying! And you’re terrible at piano.

Daisy: I notice you shoot this from a different angle for adults.

I don’t want to see kids in the bath.

Daisy: It’s pretty rude to do this to anyone though.

But with adults there are rewards for the rudeness!

Sunny: CUT IT OUT, MELANIE! I swear your awful piano playing is actually producing smoke.

Sunny: And an awful high-pitched whine!

Andrea: How come teleporting makes a whiny whistling noise?
Daisy: Yeah, it’s hardly even worth it, right?

Daisy: So, how do you like unlimited power?

Andrea: I want more.

Charles: IT FEELS FUNNY ON MY CHEEKS
Kaylynn: HAHA YOU’RE AN IDIOT

Speaking of.

Alvin: I want to show Iris what a great time I had!

Now is not the best time.

Alvin: There’s no time like the present!

CLICHÉS AREN’T AUTOMATICALLY TRUE

Ooh, you got her a new kidnappin’ sack! She’ll love it.

Alvin: HUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Alvin: -BLOOOOOOSH.

Those sacks must be great for moving day.

Alvin: Why am I coming in here.

I DON’T KNOW

Alvin: I’m tight with Iris, she won’t be mad.

No, but she will mourn you!

Alvin: I’m sorry please don’t tell
Kelsey: Bad yellow man came!
Andrea: Don’t be racist.

Kelsey: Bad yellow-shirted man!
Andrea: Yeah, he’s totally poop.

Alvin: That’s what my daughter used to say! Before the Social Worker took her.

Andrea is gone, but her poop remains.

Andrea: MMMMF!

Oh no, you can’t speak!

Go back upstairs and get your speech bubble back!

Andrea: Mmmf.

Charles: So, I’m pretty sure we need to eat some people now.
Kaylynn: We can eat normal food too.
Charles: If we’re already ZOMBIES, what’s the point?

Melanie: It’s been a while since I had an army. It feels nostalgic.

Pretty fucking stupid army, though.

Charles: WHAT KAYLYNN I CAN’T SEE OR HEAR YOU

Charles: Now that we’re away from prying eyes…
Kaylynn: Nobody’s hit on me in decades.
Charles: With those teeth, no wonder.

Kaylynn: WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY TEETH
Charles: Nothing that isn’t wrong with your figure, too!

Kaylynn: Now I know you’re shitting me, I’ve got a bitchin’ figure.
Charles: Situation defused.

Kaylynn: TICKLE FIGHT
Charles: I CAN’T FEEL IT
Kaylynn: STILL TRADITIONAL

Kaylynn: I once saw a guy beat a woman in public. He died later.

Charles: You’re so smart!
Kaylynn: I once watched a whole day’s worth of TV!

Charles: I must have you.

Charles: We’re touching, right? I can’t feel shit.
Kaylynn: Speaking of which, go to the bathroom every once in a while, whether you think you need to or not. Better safe than stinky.

Kaylynn: So, as far as zombie women go, I’m pretty fuckin’ great, huh?

Charles: You’d be pretty great at fuckin’, anyway. ‘cuz I hear you were a cheerleader.

Charles: This is awful.
Kaylynn: It doesn’t get better, but you do almost get used to it.

Charles: I… I just can’t. Zombie cooties are awful. Can we still be friends?

Kaylynn: Friends? With you?!

Kaylynn: I’d rather die again.

Kaylynn: I was a cheerleader for fuck’s sake.

-click-

Charles: This unlocks from the inside, right?

It would in any other house.

Lora: Getting along well with Charles?
Kaylynn: I already had a bath, but I feel like I need a shower.

Lora: Hey, that looked fun.
Kaylynn: The best part is, it’s so loud you can’t hear the piano!

Melanie: Hey, fuck you guys.

Kaylynn: Alright fuckers, photo op!
Lora: I hope you brought a lot of makeup.

Melanie: We look fierce. Don’t be ashamed of your beautiful zombie bodies!
Kaylynn: We look like shit.
Melanie: Scary shit, though!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Melanie and the Moaners.

Daisy: Don’t forget their stage manager!

Daisy: The safest place is behind the scenes.

Kaylynn: Dat ass!

Lora: Get your head off my shoulder?
Kaylynn: Give it a starting push?

Sunny: So this is the person who’s organizing us?
Kaylynn: She’s scarier than she looks.
Lora: Anyone who would dress like that already scares the piss out of me.

Daisy: We’re going to scare the piss out of everyone, ladies.

Daisy: The last apocalypse failed because it was undirected. I aim to change that.
Melanie: We did pretty well for ourselves, I thought.
Daisy: You only killed half the neighbourhood! That’s easy enough math even for your rotten brain.

Lora: So you brought us back to finish the job? Why?
Daisy: I hate to see a good killing spree cut short.

Kaylynn: There’s a reason nobody’s tried resurrecting the zombies before. The SCIA have this weird thing where they shoot anyone trying to eat anyone else’s brains.

Kaylynn: Why am I best friends with you.
Lora: WHY AM I BEST FRIENDS WITH YOU?!?!

Iris: Why am I even here.

Daisy: There’s an art to this. I should know! I’m a highly dangerous criminal.
Melanie: Yeah, on TV.
Daisy: I’m a method actor, though.

Daisy: Trust me. We do this my way, and William Sharpe won’t know what hit him.

Andrea: I was trying to teleport into the bathroom.
Kelsey: Can’t. Grandma’s in there.
Sam: Even a baby knows that! This baby.

Melanie: William wrote the book on zombie fighting. He’s a match for any one zombie you can throw at him! He even got me a few times, even distracted as he was by my perfect ass!

Melanie: We had all the art we needed. What we didn’t have was numbers.

Andrea: And what you don’t have is this thing I just took from you.

Andrea: Part of my bitch training.

Kelsey: Mine!
Andrea: Even with those gloves, you’ve got opposable thumbs! Try harder!

Andrea: Don’t make me kick you, wussbag.

Daisy: It’s not even about numbers, Melanie. You need to swarm the fucker. Hit him from all sides! Get an entire crowd against him, and rip his nine-inch dick off.

Daisy: But keep the dick, because seriously, nine inches. Jesus.

Sam: This was the wrong moment to walk in, wasn’t it.

Sunny: Daisy’s right. If we don’t take William down, this will all be a bust.
Sam: Mmm, zombie bust.

Sam: Don’t mind me.

Andrea: I can’t even look at you right now.

Iris: WORK BRINGS DIGNITY

Daisy: Excuse me a moment, I have a butler to sack.

Daisy: By which I mean I’m going to cut off his sack.
Sam: I keep catching the tail ends of these statements, and they sound awful.

Daisy: You’ve heard too much, Sam.
Sam: Luckily I’ve understood too little!

Sam: Look at me, doing important jobs!
Daisy: Zombies can do that without wincing.
Sam: But zombies are gross.

Iris: PAY ATTENTION TO ME
Kelsey: Scuba monsters aren’t real!

Daisy: You’re making this harder than it has to be.
Sam: That’s what he said!
Daisy: …she.
Sam: No, these were gay dudes.

Lora: One of these things is not like the other.

Sam: I forgot that I’m not a girl or a zombie!
Daisy: I can help you on the way to one of those things.

Daisy: IF YOU’LL FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE ME ALREADY
Sam: Not a lot in it for me, though, is there?

Daisy: It is such a turn-off that you’re not cooperating MOM WHAT ARE YOU WEARING
Iris: I’m teaching Kelsey about life and death in my scuba gear!
Daisy: THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXPLANATION TO YOU HUH

Kelsey: Ohhh somebody gon’ get whucked.

Daisy: Put that down, I need to kill you.

Sam: Well maybe I need to cook this fucking food! You ever think of that?!

Sam: No wonder my dad became a serial scuzzbag.

Sam: Fine, I’m quitting! No more butler Sam!
Daisy: No more Sam period.

Sam: Don’t send me to hell! DON’T SEND ME TO HELL!

Sam: …my dad’s there.

Kelsey: WHUCK!

Sam: Thanks for the tip, Foley.

Sunny: If I had a twin sister, I bet her name would be Moony.

Daisy: They’re going to pieces down there.
The Grim Reaper: STITCHES SHOULD FIX THAT.

The Grim Reaper: GO AHEAD, I GOT THIS.
Daisy: Gonna have a lot more work for you in a few days.
The Grim Reaper: GREAT. I CAN AFFORD THAT NEW NOTHING I WANT.

Daisy: Stop sobbing, mom, you’ll drown.

Kaylynn: Sure, take all night, we’re all perfectly happy listening to Moon Unit babble on about her stupid name.

Daisy: Yeah, who picked Sunny anyway? She’s a total mouth-breather.
Sunny: WELL NOW THAT WE DON’T BREATHE I DON’T SEE WHY IT’S AN ISSUE

Kaylynn: Anyway, she was William’s girl at university, right? That’s our magic ticket to throwing him off his game!
Daisy: Too many metaphors in one sentence. And anyway, he machinegunned Sunny the moment he saw she was a zombie, so your logic is also flawed.
Melanie: That’s how he shows affection, in my experience!

Daisy: I guess every little bit helps. This group ought to rattle him at least a bit, I think only one person in this room hasn’t fucked him at least once.
Lora: Hey, I’m still game!

The Grim Reaper: FLAP, YOU STUPID BIRD! FLAP!

Daisy: It’s going to take a near miracle to do this, but I think I have the solution.
Sunny: We could lure him into the basement and kill him.
Lora: Speaking for the three of us who’ve been killed in basements ourselves: fuck you.
Melanie: Hear!
Kaylynn: Hear.

Daisy: Now hear me.

Kaylynn: Go on, then. Where do you think we can raise a whole crowd of zombies under William Sharpe’s nose, and then bite that nose off?
Daisy: In precisely the place where a whole crowd of zombies wouldn’t look out of place.

Daisy: The Apocalypse Museum.

Next time: prostitutes.

Hey, that was a lot of plot all at once! You need a break.

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