The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 160

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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Let’s see if we can’t make these people interesting for a change.


Please, oh please, let this mean I took images of the family title cards from this point onward.

Lora: There has got to be more to life than this.

I think you’ll find there isn’t much more.

Mayhew: Hey, Not Safe For Work!
Lewis: Nobody reads this at work!
Mayhew: I AM AT WORK

Uh… that’s definitely Not Safe For Outside.

And Not Safe For School really goes without saying, I think.

Lewis: It’s Halloween. I wanted to go as a clown but I couldn’t afford the costume. Thanks, censor effect!

THAT CENSOR EFFECT TAKES MORE TIME THAN YOU’RE WORTH

You’re gonna be late for school.

Lance: Better than having people see me covered in polka dots.

Lance: Bye strumpet! I mean mom!

Mayhew: “Bye” is right.

Lora: Too hungry to ask.

Lyndsey: .oO(Mmm, rotten milk and rotten newspapers! I love buffet lunch.)

Lyndsey: HURRRRGH BLUUUUUUGH
Mayhew: Baby’s first words!

Kitty: Should we intervene?
Katy: That’s the main cause of death for townies in this neighbourhood, so, go ahead.

AND YES HER NAME IS KATY, NOT KITTY OR KATIE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE I’VE BEEN SAYING

I wonder if Bob Vila covers how to remove stuck Build Tools from your house.

Mayhew: Let’s see if lye takes those dots off.

Lora: Look, Anthony, you can’t keep calling here. You’re a grody old townie and nobody remembers you. They barely even remember me!

Lora: I WILL LITERALLY PAY YOU TO STOP LOWERING MY MARKETABILITY BY ASSOCIATION

Were those pajamas from Happy Holiday Stuff?

I don’t know if I want to display to the world that I own all sixteen components of this game.

Lora: Of course you do. Showing off your expansions is the geek equivalent of wearing this dress.

Lora: Bein’ sexy… bein’ sexy…
Mayhew: Bein’ sexy slowly…

Mayhew: OH ARRIVE ALREADY

Lora: …hi!

Mayhew: I’m going to kill you.

Lora: I’m okay with that.

Mayhew: Look, Lyndsey made you dinner!

Mayhew: Get out, I wanna do bathroom things.
Lora: I came in here to do bathroom things with you!
Mayhew: I’d rather jerk off.

Lora: C’mon, let me touch it.
Mayhew: This is my impression of you, being desperate.

Lora: Mayhew went home, Lyndsey. What should I do with my life?
Lyndsey: I dunno what, but where is somewhere else.

Lora: Heyhew!
Mayhew: UGH.
Lora: Come back over or I’ll tell everyone I know you’re a murderous secret agent.
Mayhew: And your plan is to blackmail this person?

Theresa: Good number choice.

Really.

It doesn’t count as surreptitious surveillance when you do it with their paper on their porch.

Theresa: These are reallly stupid people, though.

Mayhew: Cute and observant!

Lance: She’s alright, if you like pufferfish.

Mayhew: Alright, stupid, I came back.
Lora: Now come again.

Lance: I’M SAD THAT I’M AWESOME

Lora: I’m surprised that threat brought you over, Mayhew.
Mayhew: I’m surprised that even you were stupid enough to threaten me.

Mayhew: Watch the tails! They’re fragile.

Mayhew: Are you really going to tell people I’m a secret agent?
Lora: Maybe?
Mayhew: You have all the self-preservation instincts of a lemming.

Mayhew: If you weren’t so hot I’d stab you right here.
Lora: And thus the carpet was spared.

Lora: But don’t spare my carpet.

Mayhew: These sexual metaphors are getting increasingly indecipherable.
Lora: A hundred and sixty chapters of them, what do you expect?

Lance: MAXIS SIMS SHOULDN’T BREED

Lewis: ALSO THAT’S OUR MOM

Lora: See? You can see up the dress a little bit!
Mayhew: It’s amazing, the technology they had in 2010!

Lora: It’s only 2011 now.
Mayhew: Visually. But we’re talking in 2015.
Lora: Really? Christ. When are we gonna see Generation Three? 2050?

Mayhew: You’re not going to see it at all.

Mayhew: I did say I was gonna kill you. I hadn’t decided whether or not I meant it.

Lora: Wait AAAAAUGH
Mayhew: I’m glad you haven’t got any blood mods installed, this tux is rented.

Lora: Wait let me jerk you OOOOOOFFRRGL
Mayhew: I can cut your hand off for later.

Lora: Please stoprrgrgrrggggg.
Mayhew: That would be cruel! This is the best death scene a minor character like you could ever hope for!

Lora: Old age… would have been… nice…

Lance: Like that would ever have happened.

Mayhew: This was a public service. You weren’t nearly awesome enough for that dress.

Lewis: Did somebody just kill mom?
Lance: It’s not our birthday, is it?

Mayhew: Your kids won’t even care! You’ve cheated on Bradley so much in front of them that they want you to die.
Lora: Also they’re sociopaths.
Mayhew: Neat! I might adopt them, then.

Mayhew: Goin’ in for one last blow, Lora?
Lora: Fuck… you.
Mayhew: Oh, you don’t have time for that.

Lewis: I wanted to see!
Lance: We’ll check the Chronicles later.

Lora: At least take care… of my ugly… children…

Mayhew: Oh, I will.

Lance: We’re getting taken care of!

Lewis: That sounded a bit ironic though.

Lance: I love irony!
Lewis: That’s ‘cuz you don’t understand it.

Lora: This isn’t… the end!
Mayhew: No, there’s about seventy more pictures by my count.

Lora: Seventy… eh… that’s… a long time… for any NPC… to be on screen…

Lora: …and not die.

Lewis: I feel kinda bad for her.
Lance: But awesome for us, right?

Lewis: …yeah.

Lewis: EW CLEAN IT UP

Lance: BUT IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL
Blazej: WHY AM I HERE I’M LEAVING

Lewis: You killed her with a sword, Mayhew!
Mayhew: That’s so weird!

Mayhew: Wicked and weird.

Blazej: Never thought I’d die to Buck 65 lyrics…

Blazej: Ohhhhhh boy here I go.

PATUMP PATUMP PATUMP

Blazej: CURSE YOU GRAVITYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Blazej: It’s like I’m dying in a Katy Perry video.

Mayhew: HA HA STUPID YOU’RE DEAD NOW

Mayhew: THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR PRACTISING POOR STAIR SAFETY

Mayhew: Never get stabbed on the top of the stairs! That’s like the first rule of swords! Haven’t you seen Men in Tights?

Lyndsey: .oO(Who’s smoking?)

Mayhew: I MEAN WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT LINGERS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS WAITING TO BE KILLED OFF?

Mayhew: Especially when you’re not a vital character?
Lewis: That’s really enough irony for one day.

Lewis: Say “hi” to mom and dad for us.

Mayhew: OHHHH MY OWN PETARD

Mayhew: I HAVE BEEN HOISTED BY IT

Lance: Is he dead?
The Grim Reaper: THE ONE ON THE BOTTOM WASN’T UNTIL YOU CRUSHED HIM WITH THE ONE ON TOP.

Lewis: What about the one on top? ‘cuz I’ll totally haul him back up there and push him again.

The Grim Reaper: HE’S DEAD TOO. THE SECOND RULE OF SWORDS IS NOT TO KEEP THEM IN YOUR POCKETS.

Lyndsey: .oO(Baby full of shit coming through!)

Lewis: Hey! We have the house to ourselves now!
The Grim Reaper: UNTIL THE SOCIAL WORKER COMES.
Lewis: You into real estate speculation? I will sell you this house for a dollar if you put it down as your place of residence.

Lance: You just gave our house away to Death?
Lewis: Dead people can’t own property! But the Social Worker doesn’t know that!
Lance: Suspiciously convenient freedom!
Lewis: Yay!

Lewis: Okay, that’s a bit much.

Lance: Thanks for killing that man.
Lewis: The next one’s all yours.

Lewis: Ooh, get one with the corpse too!

Lance: Wow. That got heavy pretty fast.

Yeah!

What fun.

Lance: Children can’t get bottles, so you have to eat dog food now.
Lyndsey: .oO(Always it’s the women who suffer.)

Lance: I’ve seen the crap they feed you, this isn’t much of a step down.

Lance: So, should we get someone else to move in with us? In case the Social Worker figures out we’re home alone?
Lewis: What if they find out we killed Mayhew?
Lance: I hear the first one is always the hardest.

Lance: By which I mean to imply that we’ll kill them too.

Lewis: No way! I’m not gonna become a serial killer just so we can hang out here without parental supervision!
Lance: ALL THE ICECREAM AND T.V. WE WANT, LEWIS.

Lewis: Anyway, we might have trouble explaining to anyone that we killed the butler, but the butler killed our mom.

Lance: What’s this we shit?

Lance: It was you and your irony that got us into this awesome mess.
Lyndsey: AWM GWAM GROMP CHOMP

Lyndsey: .oO(Volcano!)

Lewis What about Lyndsey?
Lance: What about her?
Lewis: If we leave her alone when we’re at school she’ll probably eat the drapes and shit herself to death or something.

Lyndsey: .oO(Yeah probably.)

Lyndsey: .oO(ANYTHING’S BETTER THAN THIS)

Lance: We’ll make a cage for her.
Lyndsey: AWAAAAAAURGH

Lance: And if she’s nice we’ll put a door on it.

Lewis: You’re so good with her!

Lewis: I feel bad about all the dead people lately.
Lance: Is that even a thing?!

Lance: Dad was old and mom was mean and Mayhew was some kind of pedophile, pretty sure.

Lance: Okay, so let’s go through the list of other potential difficulties.
Lewis: Go.
Lance: Okay, pooping! Can’t get the baby poop out. Don’t know why. Don’t care.

Lance: TV! Can’t find the remote, maybe Mom had it in her panties when she died.

Lewis: Studying! How can we get our homework done without parental supervision?
Lance: They taught us to study…
Lewis: But they also taught us not to unless we’re scolded!

Lewis: And about that cage!
Lance: Took care of it.

Lance: We lock her in every morning, fill her bowl with dog food, and close the blinds!
Lewis: Something about that sounds morally questionable. Maybe all of it.

Lewis: But I guess killers can’t be choosers.

Lewis: We’re in this together, Lance!
Lance: Unless someone finds out, in which case I’ll rat on you.

Lance: Just sayin’.

Lewis: You’re an asshole, Lance.
Lance: Pretty sure I heard I’m a sociopath, actually.

Lyndsey: .oO(And I’m well on my way there!)

Lance: Geometry seems so childish when you’ve just buried two people.

Lyndsey: .oO(ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES)

Lewis: Don’t even have to shit right no mo!

What?

Lewis: CAN’T TELL ME HOW TO SHIT

Lyndsey: HRRRLLGRLBRGL

You’ve learned like four new words today!

And they’re the only four you know.

Lance: This is gonna work out!

Hmm.

Lance: NOTHING CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS PLAN

What’s your diaper solution?

Lewis: I’ve got one!

Kent: And so my trials begin.

Lewis: THERE’S A MAN HERE LYNDSEY WE HAVE TO RUN
Lyndsey: .oO(Not until you put some clothes on!)

Lewis: Well forget it then.

Kent: CAN’T YOUR PARENTS DRESS YOU
Lewis: They’re scared of butlers! You’ll probably never see them while you’re here.

Lance: This sure is easier than laundry!

FOR YOU MAYBE

I choose to believe they went to school like that.

Lyndsey: .oO(GUESS I’M TEACHING MYSELF TO SCREAM FOR HELP TODAY)

Next time: plot!

We still have that sometimes!

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