The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 157

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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And now for something completely classless.


William: Step into my parlour! But first, my kitchen. In fact we don’t have a parlour. SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY.

Cameron: You’re no spider. In fact, you’re pretty fly. For an albino guy.

William: I swore an oath to disrobe the first woman to call me an albino, and nobody’s gonna say William Sharpe goes back on his word!

Cameron: It’s okay, I won’t tell.
William: I’m really committed to that oath, though. Especially right now.

Cameron: I thought you called me over to discuss our partnership.
William: I did! Our partnership. Did you have something other than innuendo in mind there? ‘cuz I didn’t.

Cameron: I was gonna help the SCIA? Because I’m the Hand of Poseidon?
William: You’d be surprised how much spy work we don’t do underwater.

William: And anyway, the SCIA has me vet all possible recruits. Sexually.

Cameron: WELL IF IT’S OFFICIAL PROCEDURE THEN

William: Fada soola gor!
Cameron: Fada soola bron!

All MNU grads do the cheer when they meet. It’s like saying “Hi! I too was present for the wholesale zombification and slaughter of dozens of people.”

William and Cameron: Vooooooo GERBITZ!

Of course, Cameron was zombifying them and William was slaughtering them. So there’s that.

Cameron: Hey now, don’t get too familiar. That was just a hello-kiss outside.
William: If you have to hyphen tonight’s activities with helloes to rationalize them, I won’t burst your bubble.

William: I saw Alvin sneaking over to bang Daisy’s mom the other day. He’s supposed to be mourning his lost wife, so he was wearing a disguise.
Cameron: A good one?
William: Is there a good gypsy disguise?

Cameron: I bet you can do better. Hmm. You’d look pretty hot with a beard.
William: I’d look pretty hot with a mullet. I’m pretty hot no matter what.

Cameron: Red is too loud a look for you in that uniform. You should dye your hair blonde.
William: Why are you trying to make me look like your husband?

William: Ooh, right. Roleplay. I’m hip.

Cameron: It’s pretty hot in here. Mind if I put some of my extra layers in your dresser?

William: Avoid the top drawer! Those socks are all… used.

William: Well HELLO THERE.
Cameron: Is there trouble in the water, citizen? As Hand of Poseidon, I am obligated to bend my body to your needs.

Cameron: Nope, nope. Fuck that. I’m just pissed at my husband. Grab my ass.

William: It is so grabbable!

Cameron: Mmm. You’re good at this.
William: If you’re trying to make Andrew jealous, we could call him and say “look out the window!”
Cameron: He’d never find the right window in that fucking monstrosity of a house.

Cameron: And I don’t give a shit if he’s jealous right now.

Cameron: He might be my husband, but thanks to some hair dye and… whatever you did to get all that stubble so suddenly, he’s not the only one who’s my type.
William: You already were my type.
Cameron: Aww.
William: Married.

Cameron: But not married to you, I’m guessing.
William: Hell no.
Cameron: Then why did you get married?
William: Because it makes all the other women hotter.

William: Adultery fetishes work both ways, baby.

Cameron: I’m starting to see the appeal.

Cameron: Mmm mmm MMM good GOD where did you learn to do that.
William: Remember how you studied oceanography at university?
Cameron: Yeah?
William: I was studying human relations.

William: I boned the entire university.
Cameron: You missed me, though.
William: I thought you were a dude.

Cameron: I DIDN’T PICK THAT HAIRCUT
William: This one is even dudier.

Cameron: What else did you learn at MNU?
William: I learned a neat party trick for taking off bras.
Cameron: Ooh! That does sound neat. How’s it work?

William: Well, first you tell the chick that you know a neat party trick for taking off bras.

William: And then they let you do it.

Cameron: You’re not as stupid as you look.
William: Learned that at MNU, too. “Honest, honey, I thought she was you but with a different haircut!” It was harder to sell with skintones.

Cameron: Pick a side, buddy.
William: I’m trying to… get a view. Of you. Because we’re having a conversation!
Cameron: Let’s test that assertion.

William: Come on. Your tanlines are driving me nuts from behind, and all I can see is a single straight one!
Cameron: You can have the whole package if you pass one simple test.

Cameron: Don’t look at my tits.

William: That is literally the cruelest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Cameron: AH! No peeking!
William: I CAN FEEL THEM MOVING ON MY SHIRT
Cameron: Freedom of movement is a right. As is freedom from harassment.

Cameron: Leave my innocent girls alone, you corrupt lawman!
William: TOPLESSNESS IS FEDERALLY PROTECTED. I’m just trying to make sure justice is being done!

Cameron: I WON’T ALLOW MILITARY OVERSIGHT OF MY PRIVATE MATTERS.

William: There’s no foreplay like constitutional law foreplay.

William: Is there a moratorium on ass-grabbing, too?
Cameron: I’m just trying to test your willpower, not mine.

Cameron: ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY

William: Gonna give up and pass me?
Cameron: Not just yet. The bluer the balls, the redder the rod!

William: I don’t see what Captain Sparkles has to do with this. I thought we were just messing around to make your husband jealous.
Cameron: Dude, I’d abandoned that ruse by the time you left my house the other night!
William: Yeah, but I’ve taken it up now! You torture me your way, I’ll torture you mine.

Cameron: Fine. You can look at my breasts if you’ll stop pretending it’s gonna stop there.
William: Of course it’s not gonna stop there! We need Andrew to see me looking at your breasts.

Cameron: No, I’m serious, drop the façade! I’m… I’m ready to do this.
William: Hey! Save that good material for when he can actually hear it!

William: Maybe we could have a platonic dance while we wait for him. You know, to pass the time.

Cameron: I don’t know how you turned this around on me so fast.
William: That, my dear, sweet Cameron…

William: …is what she said.

Cameron: For the first time I can see why you’re a secret agent.

William: By secret agent law I have to kill you or fuck you now.

Cameron: Let’s start with the latter and keep at it until we’re nearly at the former.

Cameron: Ha! FINALLY he looks!
William: I didn’t want in for a penny unless you were in for a pounding.

I spent like a minute trying to come up with that joke, and it was one of the best-spent minutes of my life.

Also, yes, hello again! I am the man who is writing this porn dialogue. Good to see you.

William: Alright, Mrs. Price-Murphy, let’s put that swimsuit to better use.

Cameron: It’s just Price tonight.
William: Right you are.
Cameron: The Price is right!

William: HOW DID THAT JOKE TAKE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN UPDATES TO LAND

William: CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER THERE
Cameron: Very funny.
William: You talk a big game, Cameron, but you act a little bored.

Cameron: That wasn’t as good as the first pun.

I liked it.

William: My kids are asleep, your husband’s out fucking werewolves or something, and the Zombie Queen has flown the coop. By which I mean Melanie’s gone and our parrot named Zombie Queen apparently died. What’re you afraid of?

Cameron: Just one thing, really.

Cameron: But I think it’s already happened.

Cameron: Where’s that hand going.
William: To your happy place! To make it happier.

Cameron: I’m gonna need a chaperone down there to keep things respectable.

I really don’t see how I can manage that.

Sorry.

Cameron: That’s okay, now I can blame you for what happens next.

William: What does happen next?
Cameron: I think we either make out, or those giant floating rose and heart icons crush us.

William: The two options aren’t mutually exclusive.
Cameron: So let’s start with the first.

William: I had a dream about you doing this.
Cameron: Just one? I thought I’d done a better job than that.

William: The other dreams were more graphic.

Cameron: Paint me a picture.

William: Most of them involved this hot tub.
Cameron: You just built this place today.
William: They were really good dreams.

William: You were making that face a lot.
Cameron: Really? Sounds kinda dull.

Cameron: You should have been trying for this face.

William: What causes it?
Cameron: I dream too, sometimes.

Cameron: But mine are harder to describe.

William: I’m more of a hands-on learner anyway.

William: For instance I’m learning to like your hands on me.

Cameron: Aww, aren’t you adorable! Big scary secret agent.
William: I’m doing my best Andrew impression.

William: See, I’m helping you relax like a nice guy would.
Cameron: I thought this was an Andrew impression.

William: It’s the best I could do without fucking your sister.

Cameron: Like you haven’t fucked my sister before.
William: Everyone has.
Cameron: Well, I think you’ve earned something a bit more rare.

William: I definitely feel like I’m being rewarded.

William: You’re like my Frequent Flyer bonus for banging the rest of Andrew’s family!

Cameron: Frequent Fucker. How did you miss that one?
William: Something keeps taking my mind off of clever wordplay.

William: Allow me to demonstrate.

Cameron: Sorry, nope. While we’re in the water, I’m in charge. Poseidon rules.
William: You might be in the water.

William: But I am in you.

Cameron: I’m sure… Poseidon… wants it that way…!

William: You do seem divinely inspired tonight.

William: And I keep thinking I hear a chorus of angels.

Cameron: We’ve been doing this all wrong.
William: We have?
Cameron: The porno sequence must be observed.

William: I’m all about observation right now. What did you have in mind?

William:oh.

Cameron: …mm-hmm. Well. I’m glad we got it all washed up first.

Cameron: I’d hate to think how many germs could be carried on that surface area.

William: This is a hot tub, Cameron. It could not get any more nasty.

Cameron: Beg to differ.

William: If this is how you beg, I want to see you plead.

William: What’s the matter? Cock got your tongue?

The icons say it all, really.

William: And I am in perfect agreement with them.

William: I thought the original plan was a handjob.
Cameron: …mm. No.

Cameron: The original plan was really about the next part.

William: I bet you never serve Poseidon this well.

Cameron: No, this treatment is reserved for the Hand of Eros.

William: And a filthy, filthy hand it is!

Cameron: What are you implying about my ass?

William: I don’t imply. I impound.

Cameron: You did a pound joke already.
William: Invisible person says what?

Cameron: For a second there I was worried that you were gonna… in the…
William: Why bother? I can reach your crotch just fine from here.

Cameron: Yes… you… can.
William: And also I don’t want poop on my dick in the tub.

Cameron: Since my face is in the tub, I am in wholehearted OH agreement with that sentiment.

Cameron: So we get literally an entire chapter of porn, now? Dropped the pretense, huh?

We’ve done this before. When your husband banged the neighbour.

Cameron: You mean my sister.

Sure, if that helps you keep up the good mood you’re in.

William: She’s got all the help she needs right here.

William: I like looking at a pitchfork while I fuck another dude’s wife. Really hammers home the awesometastic wrongness of it.
Cameron: THAT… is the TRIDENT… of POSEIDON.
William: More like the trampstamp of pussydom.

Cameron: APOLOGIZE TO POSEIDON

Cameron: Urrrgll.. brggle… mmmmmmmmmmmrgl.

The hottest of tubs.

William: That was too sexy to even describe!
Cameron: Or depict, apparently.

William: OH MY GOD.
Cameron: You’ve already seen my breasts.
William: EVEN SO.

Cameron: I’m keeping him.

You’re both married to the most import-

Cameron: KEEPING HIM.

Cameron: Alright, starting to feel like a lobster in here.
William: You have been really hot tonight.

Cameron: Let’s not get into that.

Cameron: Almost kissing is so hot.
William: Sure it’s not my dick creep?

Cameron: Can’t you just feel it, though? The tension between our lips?
William: It’s the tension between your legs I’m worried about right now, to be honest. Just because you’re the Hand of Poseidon doesn’t mean your thighs need to simulate crushing depth.

Cameron: That reference deserves a smoochie.

William: I need to read up on oceanography, then.

Cameron: I can give you the splash course.

Cameron: Little joke.
William: Very little.

William: Seriously though, WHY are you so attractive?
Cameron: I blame the steam.

Cameron: And also I asked a genie to make me irresistible.

William: Ha! She thought I’d want to resist.

William: Like you needed to sell “bang Andrew’s wife” to me.
Cameron: Considering what you did with his first fiancé, I should have thought of you as an early adopter.

William: Okay, banter over. I want some grunts and groans and OH OH OHs now.

Cameron: Are those the sounds your children make when they starve to death? ‘cuz they’re starving to death.

Neila and Victor: WE LIVE HERE TOO

Cameron: Responsible daddyhood is sexy too.
William: Sexier than a visit from the social worker, I suppose.

That’s usually his side of the bed.

Cameron: Oh, we won’t be taking sides.

Cameron: Just positions.

William: Hmm… nah, she’d never go for it.

William: I bet her sister would, though.

William: I bet her sister would suggest it, even.

Cameron: MAYBE HE’D BETTER CALL MY SISTER THEN

William: IT WAS ALREADY ALMOST DAYBREAK WHEN I LEFT

William: But it sure does feel like I was gone too long.
Cameron: And now you’re back, just long enough.

Cameron: UHHHH-UHHHH-UHH OKAY PLENTY LONG ENOUGH

Cameron: ALL OF THE LONG THERE IS

William: Can Poseidon pronounce marriages?

Cameron:

Cameron: I’LL ASK HIM.

William: Consider this my proposal.

Cameron: IT’S INDECENT

William: Hey, it’s a threesome now!

Cameron: I DON’T EVEN LIKE HER PLATONICALLY

William: Yes! YES! Let the hate FLOW through you! Like my penis is doing.

William: We’re going to starve in here.

Cameron: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
William: If he shows up, we’re not stopping for him.

Cameron: YOU’RE GONNA BREAK SOMETHING
William: The bed, probably.

Cameron: I think I’m in love with you.

William: That doesn’t mean I have to stop fucking, right.
Cameron: It means you can’t.

William: Good, because I literally can’t.

Cameron: ON YOUR BACK, MISTER.

Cameron: Bob me like a buoy.

William: I thought you said “boy.” And got a little limp for a second there.

Cameron: That was the bit where you went down to only eight inches?
William: Hey, that extra inch is important. It’s what differentiates me from bigfoot.

Cameron: I live with bigfoot. Let’s not talk about his penis.
William: Maybe buy him some pants, then?

William: Or give him yours, and go without.

Cameron: It’s winter. That might work in this weirdo spa bedroom but it’s bound to get a little nippy outside.

William: So don’t leave.
Cameron: Thought you’d take the “nippy” bait there.
William: I was gonna get around to it eventually.

William: Swimming really does make you flexible, huh.

Cameron: And you get mad muscle tone from the PSI.

William: This is all your fault, Chelsea.
Cameron: Don’t tell her that, she’ll be proud.

William: This is something to be proud of.

Cameron: I THINK I’M GONNA DO SOMETHING THERE’S NO POLITE WORD FOR

William: …Oh, were we giving our warnings? ‘cuz I already went like ten times.

Cameron: Good thing I’m on the pill, then.
William: No such thing.

Cameron: What?
William: The pill! That’s not a thing in this universe. You either decide to have kids or you don’t.
Cameron: Pretty sure I never decided to have those three kids waiting for me at home.
William: Then I guess you can thank the family man for them.

Cameron: Huh. You’re sure it works that way?
William: Yep. So there’s nothing to worry about! As long as neither of us wanted you to bear my brilliant, beautiful, world-defining offspring, your genetically perfect curves are safe.

William: ‘cuz we’re just really good friends now, no strings attached.
Cameron: Right.
William: Things were said in the heat of the moment.
Cameron: Hot things.
William: ‘cuz it was hot.
Cameron: And I think I might have wanted your kids.
William: Me too.

William and Cameron: LET’S GO AGAIN TO MAKE SURE

Cameron: -grunt-
William: -groan-
Cameron: OH OH OH

Cameron: I think I hear someone playing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” in the distance.

William: My head’s been ringing since that killer blowjob you gave me like five hours ago.

William: Don’t you have to get back to your kids?
Cameron: Time doesn’t pass there while I’m here.
William: …has it been passing here, even?

William: ‘cuz I swear I’m good for another five hours.

You want time passing? I’ll give you time passing.

William: Time to wake up!
Cameron: Mm. I feel like I just fell asleep.
William: Triple speed will do that to you.

Cameron: Somehow these posts make this crappy bed fantastic.
William: Sometimes I like to grab them like this and howl like Tarzan.

Cameron: I think I lost five pounds in here.
William: But I gave you a few hundred more than that.

Cameron: AGAIN with the pound jokes.
William: Stop setting me up then!

Cameron: It’s definitely the right word, though. I feel like someone tried to make butter out of my ass.

William: Makes sense. It makes me cream.

Cameron: That was a bit much.
William: JUST LIKE YOUR ASS, baby!

Cameron: Your workout partner application is accepted.

Cameron: BECAUSE MY OLD PARTNER REPLACED ME
William: Did you show him the tan lines? ‘cuz he must literally be Chelseasexual if he risked losing them for her.

Cameron: You’re such a gentleman, William.
William: Remember that when our sex tape hits the internet.

Cameron: THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED

This is more of a slideshow, really.

William: Let the record show that I still found the defendant guilty of hotness the morning after.

Cameron: Objection! Mr. Sharpe was clearly just angling for another roll in the hay.

William: Come on, Cameron! Give me some credit here! You’re a very sexy lady!
Cameron: I’ve got grey Price eyes, a nose that could break up clay and a great big scar from when I used to be a zombie.
William: And that’s just for starters.

Cameron: Promise you’ll at least keep the stubble.
William: We’ll meet in the middle with “at most.

William: Dump Andrew.

Cameron: Want to help?
William: What do I have to do?
Cameron: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

William: Will you actually call me?

William: She was right about the stubble.

William: …I just fucked a mad scientist’s wife.

William: WINNING.

Cameron: Winning so hard.

Next time: science, love, and zombies.

And yet not quite as fantastic as that sounds.

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