Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
I was considering posting this late, to keep up with this week’s theme.
Cameron: Was I about to catch you doing something bad?
Andrew: Who knows? It’s been ages since our last appearance.
Luckily we have Emerson spewing cat food for no reason to focus on instead.
Cameron: Oh, hi FRIDAY. No, we’re not looking for a robot butler.
Amin: Ask him if he’s looking for a cat.
Like any kid has ever had that thought before.
Amin: I’m thinking of trading you in for something inanimate. Like possibly a dead you.
Cameron: Hi mom.
Ember: Has Andrew done anything to find your sister’s missing kid yet?
Cameron: Maybe? He’s definitely been spending a lot of time with her.
Kent: I’ll bet he has.
Ember: If your husband is anything like his father, you really shouldn’t trust him alone with a girl like Chelsea.
Cameron: I don’t want to hear you vicariously imagining sex with Andrew via Chelsea, mom.
Ember: I tried imagining it with you, dear, but you’re too much like your father. I bet you just lie there like a slug.
Amin: Man, to hell with Andrew, am I right?
Cameron: What? No! Of course not!
Amin: Oh! You think he’s faithful! Shit, I totally thought you were smarter than that.
Amin: Only you would pick you over her.
Cameron: Maybe I’m into tanned, toned, servants of ancient Greek gods.
Geez, I hope not. There’s only the one of you.
Andrew: Every time I take a bath, I think “my wife is the hand of Poseidon. I shouldn’t have to pay my water bill.”
I SMELL A MYSTERY
IT SMELLS LIKE PEE
Angelica: I don’t think it was me, but who knows? This thing always smells terrible, it’s dry clean only and dry cleaning doesn’t exist.
Cameron: Lookin’ good! Let’s see Chelsea top my hot and flawless bod!
Chelsea: Got that final promotion! Now I’m an internationally-famed artist, a rock goddess, and a professional party guest!
Andrew: HOWEVER SHALL I CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU
Andrew: Are you in suspense?
No, but you are in suspension.
Andrew: I backflipped right into that one, didn’t I.
Chelsea: Hey kids! If you want to trade your boring mom in for an awesome me, I’m sure she’ll understand!
Nathaniel: Forget that. We brought a serial killer’s son home from school!
Angelica: Let’s get this straight. I’m an A+ student. My dad is a world-renowned scientist who saved us all from zombies, and my mom is a world-renowned zombie my dad saved us from. You don’t even seem to have a dad, and your mom is a silly airhead who killed a bunch of my uncles with axes and somehow got away with it. What I’m saying is that your mom might be more famous than my parents, but mine are way cooler and we can never be friends because I’m better than you genetically.
Nick: I can see why you’d need to get all that straight.
Nick: I’m gonna marry that girl.
Angelica: SAY THAT AGAIN AND I’LL SHOOT
Nick: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER!
Angelica: …no, see, my dad put an invisible gun on the end of my finger. Because he’s a real mad scientist, you little dweeb.
Cameron: Man, I haven’t felt this good since I died and starting eating people!
Cameron: Real guns trump invisible finger guns every time.
Old-style mad scientists used lightning.
Andrew is a new-style mad scientist.
Chelsea: I haven’t seen a mad scientist outside of pornography in ages.
Andrew: I’d hate to buck the trend.
Chelsea: I locked the door. You’re sure the insulation between our apartment and your boring happy family home is thick enough?
Andrew: Unless Cameron works out so hard that her hearing improves, yeah, I’m pretty sure.
Cameron: Holy shit! I think I can hear infrared now!
Chelsea: I can’t believe you’re still wearing this old thing.
Andrew: I’m not! I go buck naked now. Holograms, woman. They’re super slimming, too.
Chelsea: I thought your pheremones had been smelling a bit less… muffled than usual lately.
Nathaniel: Screw highlighting! I do my library book defacing with a scalpel.
Nick: Wow, a garden gnome! Those cost as much as an entire cat!
Chelsea: Wow, +750! I must really be horny right now.
Andrew: Take me to the bedroom and I’ll give you a +3000.
Cameron: I’m the Hand of Poseidon. I spend all day at work, underwater and at the beach, in a bathing suit. OF COURSE I HAVE TAN LINES.
Hey, that’s… Andrew’s little private lab room. You’re not supposed to be in there!
Cameron: Maybe not, but since we’re married I’d say he’s not supposed to have fifty questionable voicemails from my sister.
Kent: Meh, good enough.
Muse: .oO(I’d watch this with you, but my brain can’t comprehend moving images.)
Angelica: I’m a modern kid! My brain can only comprehend moving images.
Somewhere, deep inside all of us, lies a Jurassic Park-era Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Nick: I’ve always wanted a brother! I’m stealing you.
Emerson: My stuff is upstairs, second room on the right.
Chelsea: Oh! Ahem. So, any progress on finding Dylan, Andrew?
Kent: That’s a strange topic for foreplay.
Nick: Your uniform smells nice.
Angelica: Your childhood must have been terrible.
Trying desperately to control one aspect of your life?
Cameron: Trying casually to figure out how my dad reduced one of these to rubble with just a screwdriver.
Emerson: Mommy! Mommy! I’m moving out!
Cameron: Say that again and I’ll stuff you up my skirt.
Muse: .oO(She’ll do it! That skirt has alpha channels, it’s hollow!)
Andrew and Chelsea’s hearts are also hollow.
Andrew: Oh, don’t be a spoilsport. What ol’ zombie-face doesn’t know can’t hurt her.
Chelsea: It’s not like I scream when I fuck.
Cameron: …that sounds like Chelsea screaming.
Cameron: …he wouldn’t.
Cameron: Not on me.
Muse: .oO(Point me to his favourite piece of furniture.)
Chelsea: OH GOD OH GOD FUCK ME LIKE YOU FUCK MY SISTER
Cameron: Meaning “fuck me over,” no doubt.
Chelsea: Take a deep breath before you look over your head.
Cameron: Stupid fucking son of a bitch.
Don’t do anything you might regret later!
Cameron: OH, MY REGRETS ARE GOING TO BE THE LEAST OF THEM
Andrew: I just remembered that insulation doesn’t exist, and these walls are just four inches of particle board.
Chelsea: On the bright side of things, we managed +500 more than you estimated.
Chelsea: And now that Cameron’s life is ruined, we don’t need to keep trying not to ruin it!
Cameron: The damn door is locked.
This is the door to Chelsea’s apartment? Yeah, of course it’s locked! They were fucking in there!
Cameron: And you knew all along!
Sure, because I always seemed like such a benevolent god before, right?
Cameron: Two can play at this game. And only one of us was into D&D at university.
Chelsea: You fucking asshole! You cheated on your wife with her sister! That’s like the douchebaggiest thing a guy can do outside of felonies!
Chelsea: I am so impressed right now.
Chelsea and Andrew: Go Team Adultery.
Chelsea and Andrew: Shhhhhhhhh.
I don’t think you need a genie to do magic, Cameron.
Judging by what your foot is doing, I mean.
Cameron: I should have done this in a more ventilated area.
Cameron: Or at least not up against a wall.
Genie: MY ARM
Cameron: I get three wishes, right? I only need one.
Genie: If you give the other two to me, you won’t like what I do with them.
Cameron: Nah, the prick and the slut can have them. As for me, I only want something simple.
Money? Long life?
Cameron: MAKE ME HOT.
Genie: That one has a lot of potential for “misinterpretation,” but I like your nose.
Tell me this isn’t for Andrew.
Cameron: Who’s Andrew? He sounds lame.
Cameron: And diseased.
Cameron: Never cheat on a woman with access to your sophisticated lab equipment.
Cameron: You’d be amazed what a woman both scorned and energized can do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman getting electrocuted in a washtub.
Cameron: Alright, let’s do this thing! Mark Chapters 156 and 157 in your calendars, folks.
What happens then?
Angelica: Mff… of course I don’t wanna be your friend… dummy… you’re not cute and freckly and funny like a little redheaded Harry Potter or nothin’… brglf…
Kent: It’s not a foregone conclusion, one of them is bound to die before maturity.
Nathaniel: My money’s on Emerson.
Andrew: She won’t find anyone better than me. Especially not with those glasses.
Cameron: Time to cut classes, dudes.
Cameron: I’m the only woman on earth who doesn’t look cuter in glasses.
I thought you were just a myth made up by men with poor taste!
Cameron: INSTEAD OF A PATSY MADE UP BY A CRUEL GOD
Chelsea: You have to face her eventually.
Andrew: I basically am! Your faces have the same general genetics.
Chelsea: But I can use mine better.
Cameron: That’s as may be, but I plan to learn from the best.
Chelsea: What’s she on about? I’m the macking master.
Cameron: Hey there. Is this William?
Andrew: I didn’t catch that last bit.
Yeah, I took your omniscience away.
Andrew: Damn! I forgot that only my mom is a natural omniscientist!
Angelica: Can I ask you a question about boys?
Kent: Not if I twist my own head off first.
Andrew: Maybe I’ll invent a time machine tonight and fix this.
Chelsea: If you do, invent thicker walls while you’re at it.
How does his teleporting still freak you out?
Chelsea: DUDE. TELEPORTING.
Andrew: SCOOP ME IN BEFORE SHE SEES US
Cameron: Right, Chelsea’s sister. Yeah. Look, I want to show you something.
Chelsea: I’ll bet she does.
Cameron: After all we’ve been through together.
Yeah, I thought you guys were forever!
Ever since that time you ate his first fiancé.
Amin: Didn’t miss anything, did I?
Well, actually, you-
Amin: HAHAHA OF COURSE I DIDN’T
Amin: I brought you boring fucks an oven so you can off yourselves.
Angelica: Hey mommy, where’s daddy?
Cameron: Hopefully getting raped by his mad science experiments.
Cameron: And hopefully it’s on camera, that would be better than porn right now.
Amin: Hey, if it ain’t Little Miss See-No-Evil.
Cameron: You’re ready? Good. My kids are in bed. Come on over.
Cameron: Someone’s seeing evil tonight.
Cameron: Play your cards right and I might make it two.
William: You there, Mrs. Price-Murphy? Your butler just walked by, clutching his mouth and gagging.
Cameron: I think he misses my glasses.
William: So hey, can I come in? I haven’t been here since I was friends with your husband’s dead brother.
Cameron: Which one?
William: The gay one. And WE WEREN’T THAT KIND OF FRIENDS.
William: I am prepared to prove my masculine virility if required.
Cameron: Get up here, asshole! My kids won’t sleep all week!
William: Then you didn’t drug them enough!
Cameron: Wow, that was fast!
William: Your squirrel voice is simultaneously adorable and energizing.
William: So yeah, if you want to help the SCIA, you should swing by our underwear. Our headquarters. In cameltoe CENTREBOROUGH.
Cameron: You seem distracted.
Cameron: Anyway, I wanted to speak to the man in charge, not some junior agent. I’m offering you guys an alliance with Poseidon, Lord of the Seas! He can help you with hydro.
William: What’s it like working for a mythological figure?
Cameron: I get my very own dolphin, and a vacation home in the Challenger Deep.
Emerson: And all the water you can breathe!
Where’d she go?
William: I asked her to prove that she’s affiliated with a god. It seemed like a fair request.
Cameron: I was afraid he’d never ask.
William: This will be our signal.
Signal for what.
William: For if I’m so excited I’m gonna ruin my underwear.
Cameron: What was that about underwear?
William: …I couldn’t signal fast enough.
Cameron: I see at least some of you is impressed.
Angelica: GO THE FUCK TO BED MOM
Cameron: Well, here I am! Hand of his eternal eminence Poseidon, Earth-Shaker, Lord of Horses, son of the Titan Cronus, brother of Zeus and Hades. That’s definitely the patron god of a woman whose husband should fuck around on her, huh?
William: It sounds like maybe you have other reasons for inviting me here tonight.
Cameron: I’m really flexible. I bet you guys could use someone as flexible as me.
William: I dunno about everyone else, but I sure could!
William: You are definitely hot. I mean flexible. Which is hot. I MEAN NICE.
Cameron: I’ve got a tattoo, even. Guys like you like tattooed women, right?
William: It’s more like a brand. But that’s kinda hot in a different way.
William: BOY YOU SURE ARE FIT, ANDREW’S WIFE.
Cameron: Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
William: I was literally already reaching for my camera. For documentary purposes. You know.
Cameron: Make sure you get my curves in the shot. For context.
William: That I was also already doing.
Cameron: Alright, Chief. I showed you my mark of power. Let’s see your “rod of authority.”
Cameron: I’m talking about your penis.
William: He has a name, you know.
Cameron: So introduce us!
William: He will literally kill me if I steal one more of his loved ones.
Cameron: I’m not proposing anything crazy, William. My kids are here, for god’s sake!
Cameron: So give me the tip, just to see how it feels.
William: Hey, don’t recolonize our repertoire of sexist clichés! It’s the only thing men have left.
William: Anyway, WOW. I see why they call you the HAND of Poseidon.
Cameron: I can show you some other reasons.
Amin: Did I miss anything?
Well, actually, you-
Amin: HAHAHA I WAS JUST KIDDING
William: WHY AM I THE RESPONSIBLE ONE HERE
Andrew: IF YOU CAN STAND, YOU CAN WALK
Cameron: Shit, Andrew’s home.
William: Finally! Some shame!
Cameron: I was hoping to have your dick in my hand by now!
William: Your cause is noble, lady, and I respect you for it.
Cameron: Big bad manly man William Sharpe won’t take a handjob from his least favourite neighbour’s wife!
William: Hey, our rivalry is entirely one-sided, lady. I like your husband just fine. Unfortunately I also like all his female relatives, and every woman he’s ever wanted to marry.
Cameron: So stop playing me hard-to-get.
William: I’m not into getting caught by some chick’s husband with my ball hairs in her fingers.
Cameron: What are you into, then?
William: Fucking them senseless in my hot-tub, in private, so he doesn’t even know how much they’re cheating on him.
Cameron: Give me a minute to gauge my scorned-ness.
William: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Cameron: Will you actually call me?
William: The limp-wristed sissy is probably on his way up to apologize to you right now. Go back to your boring life of sleeping with a mad scientist and fighting giant octopi.
William: Everybody knows you two losers were made for each other.
William: It’s why nobody else can stand you.
Cameron: Where are you going? There’s no way down from here.
William: Not for pussies like your soul-mate, maybe.
William: But I eat pussies for breakfast.
Cameron: I LIKE BREAKFAST
So your big revenge plan was to have Andrew see you jerking off the guy who fucked his mom and stole his first fiancé.
Cameron: Actually, I was just gonna kiss him. Things… escalated?
Andrew: I’m sure I’d remember locking my bedroom door from the inside.
Andrew: Luckily, ninjitsu.
Andrew: SHE’D BETTER NOT HAVE MOVED THE BED
Andrew: OOF. We need to get a pillowtop.
Andrew: AND WHY DID SHE CHANGE THE BEDROOM LOCKS
Andrew: And why were my slippers in the toilet?
Andrew: And what’s with the itching powder in my housecoat? As if I can even itch anymore, after those seventeen separate work-related chemical spills I’ve waded through.
Andrew: Everybody in the state fucks around behind their spouse’s back. It’s not my fault her sister’s vagina-fu is so much stronger than hers!
Andrew: Well it sorta is. Since I’ve fucked her so much over the years.
Cameron: OKAY THAT’S LOTS THANK YOU
Angelica: I’m so glad we live in a world where SLEEP IS APPARENTLY OBSOLETE
Nathaniel: Yeah, everybody, THANKS FOR OBSERVING THE REVERSE CURFEW, WE DON’T NEED TO GET UP EARLY FOR SCHOOL OR NOTHIN’
Chelsea: Hey, wait a second! Am I the only person who didn’t suffer negative consequences from all this?
Next time: less foreplay, more actual sex.
Because god knows we don’t have enough of that normally.
Chelsea: WHY AM I SUDDENLY FAT