Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Today is today.
Obligatory evil scheme refresher follows.
And then Iris killed Alvin’s wife in secret and started dating him.
They haven’t updated their files at ENTROPY yet.
Because I can’t be arsed.
Alvin: Yay! Glad you’re here, nanny! Now I can go to work and nothing will go wrong!
Anna: Definitely how it’s gonna go down, yup!
Anna: Alright, he’s gone, let’s split.
Alvin: You can’t ask a dude to wait when his arm’s clipping through a window, dude. It’s just not done.
WHAT ABOUT NOW
Alvin: Sorry! Too comfortable!
Alvin: What’s that zooming noise?
SOMETHING TOO FAR GONE TO FIX, NOW.
Social Worker: What kind of a sick bastard leaves his kid home alone?!
He’s not sick. He’s just stupid.
Sandy: Here to steal the Science freak’s crotchfruit, huh? Probably for the best, nobody who gets that excited about learning should be allowed to raise a child.
Clay: I’m a secret agent!
Social Worker: Not anymore!
Also under the heading of “not anymore,” see “Ivy having fun.”
Social Worker: Just look at this colour scheme. Obvious perverts.
Social Worker: I’m here to save you from harm, invincible toddler.
Yeah, never made much sense to me either.
Social Worker: Social Workers are the reason toddlers are invincible!
So why don’t you raise them, then?
…shit, I think I just gave myself an idea.
You’ll see how it works out, about a hundred years from now.
Noelle: Taking out the trash, huh? They don’t come until tomorrow. Holiday.
Social Worker: Alright kid, time to go. You should cook up nicely.
Social Worker: I’m only joking. Unless you fuss.
Social Worker: Or I get hungry.
Alvin: Good day at work? Yeah! Not bad.
Alvin: Heard something wacky on the news, though.
Alvin: OH HOLY SCIENCE NO
Alvin: Looks like the SCIA’s about to pay a visit to the orphanage.
You can’t operate domestically!
Alvin: That’s… actually, that’s correct! Wow. All that zombie stuff… um, keep this under your hat, okay?
I don’t wear hats.
Head’s too big.
Alvin: ANNA HELP A LADY STOLE MY BABY
What’s in there?
Alvin: My remedy.
I hope you can explain yourself, lady.
Nanny: I have an explanation, sure. It’s bullshit, but it’s good.
Alvin: I didn’t really invite you here to explain yourself, you octogenarian harlot.
Alvin: I invited you here to die.
Alvin: Jennifer! How could you?!
Jennifer: I JUST DRIVES THE VANS
Anna: Oho! So you know the truth, then!
Alvin: From now on I’m just gonna assume all the NPCs are with ENTROPY. It would certainly explain my dry-cleaning bill.
Alvin: Hurry your ass up, woman. The hedge behind me is growing.
Anna: Like your kid was going to! Before we decided to make delicious baby soup out of her!
Alvin: Shit, really? That’s… pretty fucked up, even for you.
Alvin: WHY ARE THESE BUG CONTAINERS HERE
Anna: THAT WAS MY QUESTION AS WELL
Alvin: Damn, I was hoping to use it as a distraction.
Anna: Oh, right in the plaid! That’s hours of knitting now, thank you very much.
Jennifer: Hey! Watch the chrome!
Anna: You’re a more formidable duelist than I expected!
Alvin: And I’m good with swords, too!
Alvin: You’re dead! From this angle.
Anna: …does that normally work?
Alvin: Obfuscating stupidity is only one of my many hidden talents!
Anna: I hope the rest are hidden better.
Anna: …alright, that one was definitely leg.
Alvin: Try aiming for my body, instead of the air around it.
Anna: Pretty good taunt there, Errol Flynn.
Alvin: I only know Flynn from Breaking Bad.
Anna: Is that the one with the dragons or the one with the ad men?
Alvin: Anyone who doesn’t know Breaking Bad doesn’t deserve to live.
Anna: Right, because baby-stealing was the lesser of my crimes.
Alvin: Either way, I think the score is settled now.
Alvin: But man, I’ve really gotten accustomed to stabbing this leg!
Alvin: Uh, how come you’re not dead.
Anna: Waiting for the dramatic lighting.
Jennifer: That’s cool, not like the rest of us have shit to do.
Alvin: You’re ten kinds of dead, woman! Cut it out!
Anna: You mean like how I’m cutting your kneecap out?
Alvin: More like how I’m cutting your speech centre out, actually.
Anna: What do you Bahamas, xylophone?
Alvin: I’ll put that on your headstone.
Anna: Don’t let it Ganondorf like when! Tell them I velociraptor nouns!
Alvin: That sounds pretty cool, actually. I’ll consider it.
Alvin: Can I take that dress now? It would make a fantastic couch cover.
Alvin: Also, hey, good death scene! Bit of humour, no pathos, the audience loved it, ten out of ten!
Alvin: Hey! Death guy! Over here!
The Grim Reaper: I DON’T NEED A CHORUS LINE.
Um, hey. Grugly. Crew and/or equipment visible.
Oh! I fixed it in the next shot!
Probably to spare myself some embarassment and shame.
That worked out well.
Alvin: I killed a nanny with a sword!
The Grim Reaper: YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPICE IT UP A LITTLE FOR YOUR REPORT.
The Grim Reaper: I HAVE GOT TO GET A PIC OF THIS.
Alvin: Man, I sure am a useful dude to have around the house.
Anna: Say hi to Iris for me when you see her! Tell her to send my last ENTROPY cheque to my cats.
Alvin: Whatever ghost nanny can’t hear you! Oh, hey Iris. Just talkin’ to ghost nanny.
Alvin: WHAT SCIENCE IS THIS
Alvin: Applied mechanics it is.
Iris: I dunno.
Stealing his baby might have been going too far?
Iris: I almost would say so, except that our first move was to kill his wife.
Alvin: Hey Iris. My life is hell right now.
Iris: I’m really sorry about your wife and kid.
Alvin: Right now though it’s this tap that’s giving me grief.
Alvin: Let’s call it a bidet and be done with it.
Alvin: And hey, don’t apologize for Kitty! It was her decision to run away with that disgusting slob who used to live here.
Iris: It’s important to me that you believe that.
Iris: Because I sure as heck wasn’t involved in her disappearance.
Alvin: Don’t have time to decode that right now. All this plumbing was used by Lucas, so all this plumbing is fucked.
Iris: I hate to say it but I’m glad your wife… ran away. Or we wouldn’t be so close right now.
Alvin: What about my kidnapped daughter?
Iris: That I can take or leave.
Sure sounded like you were gonna confess for a moment there.
Iris: What he doesn’t know can’t hurt me.
What he doesn’t know is currently flooding the house.
Alvin: Could you stay over a while? All this cursing I’m doing seems really hollow without someone to hear it.
Iris: Sure. What are girlfriends for?
Alvin: Sex! I think! Why do you ask?
Iris: Just making sure you’ve got it right.
Alvin: Let me make you a presentation.
Alvin: AS SOON AS THIS FUCKING THING STOPS
Iris: You need to put a washer in that.
Alvin: Am I the woman now?
Iris: You already were.
Alvin: Well BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY.
Iris: There there. Let me kiss it all better.
Alvin: Would it be too soon to say I like you better than Kitty?
Iris: Alvin! She’s only been dea-… dea-… gone for one day.
Alvin: No, you’re right, she is dead gone! That bitch!
Iris: My favourite thing about you is how you make everything sound like what you want to hear.
Alvin: I’m really fond of that bit too.
Alvin: But this bit is my favourite.
Iris: Neat trick.
Alvin: You learn fast.
Iris: I have to think on my feet a lot.
Alvin: I bet thinking on your hands would be harder.
Iris: Sometimes I almost think you’re some kind of profound, misunderstood philosopher.
Alvin: And then I say something like that hand thing just now.
Iris: And then yeah.
Alvin: I must be doing something right to get a girl like you, though!
Iris: Yeah, someone… somewhere must really like you.
Iris: Or at least want you distracted.
Alvin: May all their wants be realized.
Alvin: See? Sometimes I sound really smart.
Iris: But it never lasts long.
It’s not always his fault. If someone like that did something like this to me, I’d be dumbstruck too.
Alvin: I just struck something, but it sure ain’t dumb.
Iris: What a lovely testimonial for my vagina.
Alvin: I’ll write you a book of poetry about it if you let me do some research first.
Iris: Research is always invasive, but sometimes both parties profit.
Alvin: Even the couch is smiling.
And now you see it too.
But I’m sure you’re not really looking at the couch.
“In other news, people having sex on the couch are now levitating. Full story at ten.”
Alvin: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON THE NEWS
Iris: I’m happy with what I’m on, too!
Alvin: This is so wrong it’s awesome! We’re on my wife’s bed!
Iris: You don’t know the half of it.
Alvin: Don’t drop hints while my mind is otherwise engaged!
Alvin: I AM GOING TO MARRY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
Iris: That’s the plan, man.
Alvin: Welp. That was a good hour of sleep. Off to work.
Iris: Think about me while you’re gone?
Alvin: That would impair my abilities as a crack SCIA operative.
Iris: Okay, sounds good!
Alvin: Will you be here when I get back?
Iris: Only if I don’t see you on the news. I don’t want to think you’re in some kind of danger.
Alvin: It’s almost like you want me to be a bad secret agent.
Iris: You’re probably imagining things.
Alvin: Only probably?
Iris: You might also secretly want to suck at your job.
Alvin: Hey, yeah! I’ll do nothing at all today and see if I like it.
Iris: My talents were not needed here.
Alvin: Tell that to my penis.
Iris: You don’t need me, Alvin’s penis!
Alvin: See how he stood up and paid attention? He knows better.
Porn with plot, everybody.
Porn with plot.
Next time: just plot, actually.
But in the service of much more porn a bit later!
So still acceptable.