The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 149

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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Read the previous two chapters first.

Jerome: Are we gonna keep repeating this night over and over until it stops crashing?



Jerome: That explains why my house is so neat!

Jerome: Keep an eye on Penny for me, okay boy?

Yes, because your wife the police officer definitely needs protection.


Penny: Maybe if I could train Chief to keep Jerome out…


Shiloh: Never say that again.

Jerome: Once more into the lonely breach.

You should invite someone to come with you, like last time.

Jerome: It keeps getting later every time we crash, though. Prof. Rebecca will be in bed already.

I’d be all like “Yeah, in bed with someone whose dick isn’t four inches long” but no, she’s Maxis, you’re the best she can do.

Jerome: I’ve got a car! Chicks will flock to me when they see me cruisin’ so cool downtown.

Oh, you’re gonna go the sympathy route huh? Good choice.

Jerome: Is there a firefly crossing here I missed?

You’re a real trooper, William.

William: All the hot chicks come out at night.

All the expensive ones, anyway.

Jerome: Don’t make prostitute jokes, you’ll have to spend a whole chapter proving that you’re not really sexist like with that awful race one earlier.

That awful race one was pretty good, I thought.

Jerome: Just what I’d expect a whit-


And I really hope we can deal with this before it becomes some kind of metaplot.

“Cecilia”: Heyyyyyyy big guy, nice car!

Well I’ll be.

Jerome: Thanks, we like it.
“Cecilia”: We?
Jerome: …my penis and I. He’s large enough to have his own personality.
“Cecilia”: Lot of that going around lately.

Jerome: Hey… you’re Cecilia, right?
“Cecilia”: That’s what I keep telling everyone.
Jerome: We’re opening a big ol’ tower with your family name on it!
“Cecilia”: “Phelps Tower” has a nice ring to it.

Jerome: Oh, right. You’re not a real Sharpe.
“Cecilia”: Let’s pretend I’ve been offended and then forgiven you, for efficiency’s sake.

Jerome: Yeah! I wish my wi-… I wish most other people would cut me slack like that.
“Cecilia”: How come you keep not saying you have a wife?

Jerome: Because I keep seeing what you look like.

Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya.

I call it “White man contemplates western society.”

“Cecilia”: C’mon. Tell me about this big ugly thing they built.
Jerome: I designed it, actually.
“Cecilia”: Cool! You can justify its ugliness to me, then.

William: You gotta be bold to be noticed, Cec.
“Cecilia”: Oh, I dunno. I noticed this dude, and he’s practically a turtle.

“Cecilia”: But yes, there’s something to be said for the bold and beautiful.

“Cecilia”: Good evening, mister Sharpe.
William: Good evening, miss Phelps.
Jerome: It’s only good if it works.

William: Hey there, Jehosophat.
Jerome: That’s not even close.
William: We’ve done this joke three chapters in a row, I’m running out of variations.

William: Speaking of which, on behalf of blah blah blah officially open.

William: It hasn’t crashed yet!
“Cecilia”: It’s a miracle!
Jerome: It’s too early.

William: No, I think we really cracked this!
“Cecilia”: Yeah, I think we’re safe!

“Cecilia”: You’re funny when you’re terrified.

Jerome: And you’re gorgeous when you’re all the time.

“Cecilia”: Does your wi- know you’re out this late, talking to strange girls?

William: Why hasn’t the sword gone yet.
Jerome: It’s a sign that this time will be different!
William: It’s a sign that I’m gonna accidentally cut myself a bunch, more likely.

“Cecilia”: Hey, you. I don’t know why but you have a certain hapless attractiveness.

Jerome: Aww! That’s the nicest-
Jerome: -NICEST thing anyone’s said to me all year!

Jerome: Want me to give you the grand tour?
“Cecilia”: Oh yeah. And after that, maybe I can take you places myself.

Jerome: No need! I brought my car, remember?
“Cecilia”: How often do you hear a whooshing sound over your head?

“Cecilia”: No time to explain, the townies are coming.

William: Why Miss WEDNESDAY, you’re naked!
WEDNESDAY: Stop swording my portrait.

William:that is so hot how can you do that.

WEDNESDAY: Master Andrew gave FRIDAY and I real body overlaiments.
William: And how… functional are they?
WEDNESDAY: We intend to test their sexual components together, tomorrow.
William: Well, let me know if you want a second opinion.

William: ‘cuz I’ll totally fuck a robot.

WEDNESDAY: Your proposition has been noted.

Jerome: There’s an elevator too, but it’s not done.
“Cecilia”: Why?
Jerome: Honestly? Because when it’s done, literally nobody will use the stairs.

Goddamn efficient pathing.

William: …and so yeah, that’s what I can do with my tongue.

WEDNESDAY: It’s a real icebreaker, let me tell you.

William: Or I guess we could talk, if you’re not the adventurous type.

Cameron: I’ve been feeling pretty adventurous lately.
William: Call me.

William: Do not call me.

“Cecilia”: No wonder it keeps crashing.
Jerome: Come again?
“Cecilia”: By the time the game starts acting hinky, you haven’t got time to get back to street level and escape!

Jerome: Yeah, I think architects need to start considering system stability in their designs.

Jerome: But you’ve got to admit, there’s some damned interesting forms going on in here.

Samantha: And out here!
William: I will hit you with my sword if you don’t take your ugly ass elsewhere.

I think the Sharpe Oil Tower might mark my first competent screenshotting, since it’s so goddamn demanding.

A sense of verticality is really important.

And a bit terrifying.

Jerome: As much as I want to enjoy this, I keep thinking it’s going to go “donk” and crash.

That’s silly.

I have the system sounds turned off.

Jerome: So yeah! I’m a big famous architect now! Two whole people came to my first opening! Are you impressed?!

“Cecilia”: I’ve killed more famous people.

William: We should come back later. All the weirdos come out at night.

“Cecilia”: Did they at least pay you a bunch for this giant metal trademark?

Jerome: It’s not selling out if you only barely get paid!

Jerome: I take my satisfaction from a job well done. And the time spent away from my wife. SHIT I SAID IT.

Jerome: She hates my guts so it’s okay.

“Cecilia”: What’s okay? Dating another woman?
Jerome: Wow, are we dating right now?! I’m glad I didn’t know, or it would be going much worse.

“Cecilia”: I’m surprised you’re skipping out, you don’t seem like the ballsy type.

-350 Aspiration Points for the hundredth use of that same visual pun.

Jerome: Look, I’ve always been faithful to Penny! Mostly always. I kissed a girl once when I was sleep-deprived. But I’ve lived through this night three whole times now and I’M LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND.

“Cecilia”: What did I say that you interpreted as “tell me your boring personal history”?

Jerome: You are one inspirational bitch, you know that?

Jerome: Fuck it. Penny treats me like shit anyway.

So much more than you know, even!

See? An actual close-up!

-sniffle- My little me is growing up so fast.

“Cecilia”: Look, if you’re torn about this, we can just say good-night.
Jerome: But you’re the only reason it’s been good!

“Cecilia”: You’re really eloquent when you’re not trying.

Jerome: And you’re like ten different kinds of holy shit.
“Cecilia”: Most good compliments don’t have “shit” in them somewhere.

“Cecilia”: But that one did.

Jerome: Okay, well, I want to do this right. Should I buy you flowers? Should I take you out to dinner? Should I sing you a love song in my impressive black baritone?

“Cecilia”: You should shut up and let it happen.

Jerome: But that feels like cheating! Cheating cheating!

Jerome: Your mouth tastes like bubblegum.
“Cecilia”: I chew a lot of bubblegum.

“Cecilia”: ‘cuz when I’m all out, I have to start kicking asses.

“Cecilia”: Is this backrub a trick to touch my skin?
Jerome: Aren’t they always?

Jerome: We have got to be the most stylish adulterers in town right now.

“Cecilia”: Stylish, but not exactly classy.

It’s not a glitch. He’s looking at the clouds.

“Cecilia”: What a lovely view. You must be proud.
Jerome: That’s like complimenting a homeowner on his neighbours.

Charles: Hey, there’s garbage cans up here! That’s so convenient!
Jerome: Now that, that I am proud of.

Jerome: I am also proud of dance-hugging a squishy lady.

“Cecilia”: I don’t know whether to squee or throw you off, sometimes.

“Cecilia”: But only sometimes.

Jerome: Can you break up with my wife for me?

“Cecilia”: Yeah, no.

Jerome: Maybe if we make out on the lawn, she’ll see us and do it herself.

WEDNESDAY: Isn’t it about time we got some new townies? Less grody, boring ones?
Ally: Mwahaha! You can’t! We’re unionized.

Meanwhile, to general shock and horror, Grugly discovers art.

Jerome: Why do we keep dancing?
“Cecilia”: It’s the formal clothes, they do this on their own.

Jerome: Hey, you wanna come back to my place? In my car?
“Cecilia”: Yeah, but won’t your wife be there?
Jerome: Not in my car.

“Cecilia”: Ohhhhh.

Jerome: Man, this is like kissing Bazooka Joe.

“Cecilia”: Is it too late to back out on that ride offer?

Victor: Adultery is a sin, you know.
“Cecilia”: But not a crime, officer! See ya!

William: That’s very flattering, Ally, but please stop blocking the crotch window.

Jerome: That was my wife’s boss.
“Cecilia”: Hey, maybe he’ll tell her what he saw, and she’ll dump you!
Jerome: It was more fun as a fantasy.

Jerome: Man, living the same foodless night over and over again is hard on the stomach.

Jerome: And my balls really hurt for some reason.
“Cecilia”: I wonder why.

Cameron: He wasn’t wrong about the weirdos.

“Cecilia”: Hey, all the ribbing aside, Jerome, I’ve had a really great time tonight.
Jerome: I don’t know how to process unironic compliments.

Jerome: But I know how to return them.

They can’t all be postcard views.

“Cecilia”: …we are gonna destroy that car of yours.

Jerome: Except that my penis is four inches long.

“Cecilia”: Be that as it may, if your balls hurt as bad as you say they do, you’ll probably make up for it with enthusiasm.

Jerome: The tiny dick didn’t even throw her off!
“Cecilia”: It’ll be easy to throw me off it, though, so you’ll have to be careful.

“Cecilia”: What? I couldn’t just leave it hanging there.

Extra points for the double double entendre.

Victor: I wish I could cheat on my wife.
Amin: Why don’t you?
Victor: Because I’m the Chief of Police.
Amin: Doesn’t mean anything if she never finds out.
Victor: But she is also the Chief of Police.

Amin: Too many Chiefs, not enough brains.

Jessie: I probably knocked most of them out that time I beat the shit out of him.

Victor: Kiss me, Nerissa!

Your fantasy girlfriend is… your actual wife?


But that mop hasn’t got a vagina.


William: I will gladly pay you today for a WEDNESDAY sandwich tomorrow.

William: Let me put my arrow in your box.

WEDNESDAY: Pure gold, all of these.

Jerome: Nope, I’m taken.

Jerome: Maybe I should lay down some plastic.

“Cecilia”: Don’t be making eyes at my man!
Ally: If you catch me doing it, feel free to kill me.

Ally: We’ll make it a race.

Jerome: SURELY she’s coming EVENTUALLY.

We’re gonna crash soon, Jerome.


I am not sure you appreciate the gravity of our current situation, Vicki.

Jerome, we need to get out of here.

Jerome: But my nookie!




Hahaha, I’m just kidding.

We made it.

Jerome: Asshole.

Jerome: Hey, is this Cecilia?
“Cecilia”: You need to say the quotation marks louder.
Jerome: Okay, hey, “Cecilia”? Apparently we made it home, so the game didn’t crash, so our adulterous fling got saved, so you might as well come over so we can consummate it.

Feeling guilty?

Jerome: I’m just wondering if I should think of Penny more in this situation.

Nah, she’s got you covered.

Vicki: Friggin’ firefly sanctuary up in this hood.

Jerome: If we’d actually crashed one more time I think my stomach would have crashed, too.

Pretty sure this is an adultery “don’t,” Vick.

Hiding behind doors, though! Much better.

“Cecilia”: Gonna give me another tour?
Jerome: What if Penny wakes up?
“Cecilia”: You are about ten different kinds of conflicted, you know that?

“Cecilia”: I say if Penny wakes up, we make her watch.

Jerome: The laughter might be a bit of a turn-off, though.

Jerome: So yeah, my wife’s a cop! She catches people who sneak around in other people’s houses at night!

Jerome: So you see why this is a bad idea.

Jerome: Oh god! Did my kisses do that?!

“Cecilia”: My pregnancy is none of your business.
Jerome: It’s just that I think this kind of threesome might be illegal.

“Cecilia”: Kiss me, you doofus.

Jerome: It sounds less mean when you say it.

Jerome: Also your hair is leaving welts.


Jerome: So yeah! That’s when I banged her up against the tower wall, just before it crashed.
“Cecilia”: I didn’t think you had it in you!
Jerome: I didn’t! I had it in her. But only by four inches, of course.

Jerome: Stop braying she’ll hear us.

Nah, she’s too busy cataloguing the people she’s more important than.

Chief: .oO(The woman has trained me to do this.)

To sit on Jerome’s side of the bed?

Chief: .oO(After pooping.)


Frequently it becomes difficult to string these images into a narrative.

Luckily the macking holds it all together.

Yoga first, then bed.

Jerome: But yeah, about that car we discussed earlier.

I can’t wait to see your tortured psyche when it matures, Shiloh.

“Cecilia”: Just so we’re clear, to avoid any awkwardness… what constitutes “cheating in a car” to you? Heavy petting? Making out?

Jerome: I’m more of an “all or nothing” kind of guy.


“Cecilia”: But it doesn’t feel a touch below five, if you use it right.
Jerome: I’m excited!

“Cecilia”: Mmm. I needed this.
Jerome: You needed this?! You’re pregnant. Know when the last time I had sex was?!

“Cecilia”: Three days before that kid was born?

“Cecilia”: If it’s any consolation, pent-up sex is the best sex.
Jerome: It’s my only sex!

“Cecilia”: You sure do…. oof know a lot of positions for someone who’s ungh been out of the vagina loop for so long.
Jerome: I’ve got television, you know.

Jerome: And the internet.

And Buy Mode gridlines under your car.

“Cecilia”: I’d better get out of here before this night ends.
Jerome: After three chapters, it stopped occuring to me that it would.

“Cecilia”: Thanks for the ride, Jerome. And the rides. It’s been fun.

Fun’s over.

“Cecilia”: You don’t know the half of it!



Penny: Weird! My barfing sounded like words there!



In my headcanon, she brushed her teeth before this.

Yay! Your date gave you a chore.

Jerome: But I got away with adultery!

Not yet.

Or, okay, let’s not make any drama out of it and assume she snuck out safely.

Jerome: My dog needs a bath.


Penny: I can’t believe I missed his stupid thing! That was mean, even for me.

It’s okay, he had a good time.

Penny: Aw, see?! I could have prevented that!

Jerome: I kinda wish she had.

Jerome: You will tell no-one what you saw!
Chief: .oO(Can’t really speak, dude.)

“Cecilia”: What a romantic phrase.

Jerome: Right, thanks for leaving evidence? On our doorstep?
Penny: Who’re you talking to?
Jerome: Just some moron?

Jerome: If you splash me, I’ll teach Shiloh how to ride you.

Chief: .oO(I dunno, that might be kinda fun.)

Chief: .oO(Let’s try it.)

Chief: .oO(I don’t live long enough to avoid new experiences.)

Jerome: Weird! Outside tub gets dirty faster.


How come the racist maid goes to all the houses with black people in them?

Debbie: ‘cuz otherwise I’m just doing the “maid” half.

This would count as fanservice if not for that stupid hair.

Plus, aren’t most of my readers female?

Penny: Doesn’t preclude anything.

Debbie: Oh, they let you people have animals? How ironic.
Jerome: I thought we did away with the race jokes.
Debbie: What about it? I was referring to the middle-class.

Jerome: You’re really hot when you’re only being classist.

This hair only looks sensible when it’s supposed to be wet.

Penny: You could make me wet all the time?

Oh yeah, baby, you know I could!

Penny: UGH

“Cecilia”: Where’d the first one go? Better leave another.

Penny: Another day of avenging wrongs!

Penny: And being ever-vigilant!

Penny: Why are you laughing?

Chief: .oO(I should take the fucking thing to her.)

Penny: What day is it? Tuesday? I need to remember which detective I’m seducing today.

Penny: Poor Jerome, he has no idea.

Yeah, you’re made for each other like that.

Penny: Huh?

Brittany: He means your husband is-


Next time: more lesbians, and more marital discord.

I’m becoming a cliché, aren’t I.

Penny: Becoming?

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