Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Do NOT read this before reading the previous chapter!
Jerome: So, wait. Do I get a second chance to make this thing go well?
You get a chance to get embarassed in new, more interesting ways.
Penny: Well fuck that, I’m just going to bed.
Debbie: You were gone for all of five minutes.
Penny: Game crashed, didn’t save, stopped caring.
Jerome: Hey Rebecca, sorry about that. The game crashed. Yes, I realize you were in the car with us. Yes, I’m sure it was very traumatic being trapped in limbo between lots.
Jerome: Sure, I’ll hold you. That’s what friends are for!
Penny: She can have him.
Penny: I’m not coming with you.
Jerome: But it’s my special day!
Penny: You can spend it with your special friend.
Jerome: Okay, well… I’ll.. take pictures for you!
Penny: Don’t inconvenience yourself on my behalf.
Jerome: It’s no inconvenience!
Penny: It is for me.
Penny: God, it’s like you’re an energy vampire or something.
Penny: All I got out of this was ugly makeup and a bad haircut.
And a bed without Jerome in it.
Penny: You have a point.
Jerome: Here goes another try, just like the other try.
There is one difference.
It is slowly becoming even more depressingly late at night.
Prof. Rebecca: Where’s your wife?
Jerome: With her one true love.
Prof. Rebecca: Andrew or Ste-
Jerome: Look, I didn’t invite you here to make insinuations about Penny’s fidelity.
Rebecca: No, you brought me here to realize insinuations about yours.
Jerome: At least he’s still interested, although admittedly this thing does have his name on it.
And it’s a giant penis.
Don’t forget that part.
Jerome: I designed this giant penis.
William: And your country thanks you.
William: Or it would, if it could remember your name. Jeffrey?
William: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Jeffrey.
Jerome: This is the part where we sacrifice a virgin to the gods of International Modernism.
Prof. Rebecca: If it’ll speed things along, go for it.
William: Alright. On behalf of the Sharpe Oil Company…
William: …which my beloved mother nursed into being the world’s premier imperialistic exploiter of third-world countries…
I hereby declare the Sharpe Oil Tower officially open!
Jerome: Was that… exactly what you planned to say originally?
Prof. Rebecca: Your mom sounds awesome!
William: Booyah! Cut the ribbon like a champ this time.
Rebecca: Oh, you’ve cut ribbons before?
William: …no. Why did I say that?
William: If Bill Murray shows up, I will cut him in half.
Jerome: Let me get a few kicks in first, I saw Lost in Translation in theatre.
William: As Grand Meister of the Ancient Order of Intelligence Agency Heads, I consecrate this ground to the almighty, Lord our Saviour, James Bond.
Jerome: Well THAT was new.
William: The sword went through my arm.
William: It hurts so much.
Right outta his head.
Dagmar: Okay folks, I’m here, let’s do this.
Jerome: Hi Mrs. Deputy Mayor. We didn’t know you were coming, so we’re already done.
Dagmar: What?! But there was always a fifty-percent chance that I’d be here!
Jerome: You gonna carry that sword around the entire time?
William: You won’t be laughing if there’s Visigoths up there.
Prof. Rebecca: Move it whitey, I’m –
CALL HER SOMETHING ELSE. NO MORE RACE JOKES.
Prof. Rebecca: …Move it forehead, I’m getting ten storeys of watching that hot architect ass and you ain’t blocking the view.
Prof. Rebecca: He’s almost cute if you ignore the things he says.
Dagmar: Just in case silence equals consent, I want it known that the opinions just expressed on this program do not represent those of the management.
I made sure there were enough lights here to crash the game every time.
Because I’m a bad person and I deserve to be punished.
William: OW DAMMIT there goes my HEEL
Jerome: I like the uncomfortable floor, it should discourage loitering.
Modernism at its finest.
Jerome: What a picture-perfect view!
Dagmar: IT’S UGLY AND SO ARE YOU
Jerome: The glass partitions aren’t so bad.
You thought they were hideous earlier.
Jerome: That didn’t happen. And it was earlier at night, so the light was different.
Jerome: All those little lights, and each of them a family.
Nope. Neighbourhood prop. Totally fake.
Took a fuck of a lot less time than this sonofabitchin’ thing, let me tell you.
Prof. Rebecca: Why would anybody want to get a better view of this hideous city?
Jerome: You’re right. They wasted my masterpiece on shitsville central.
Jerome: Console me?
Prof. Rebecca: There are so many reasons to!
William: Don’t mind me, I like to watch.
Jerome: I saw some old pussy the other day.
Prof. Rebecca: That deserves a dance.
Andrew: Do you wear that outfit to get compliments?
Ally: I wear it to get reasons for beating men up.
Men are usually their own reason.
Dagmar: Man, I’m glad I’m only the Deputy Mayor of this shithole.
Dagmar: I mean this thriving metropolitan centre! Hi camera!
Geoffrey Creelman: Hello, I’m Doctor Creelman. Did you know we offer a comprehensive forehead reduction service at Centreborough Medical? Only two brain hemorrhages this month!
Caryl: You think it’s named after the Sharpes who live in Pine Valley?
Andrew: Wow, you must be a scientist or something.
Jerome: Rebecca already went back down. I hope she doesn’t hate my tower.
She probably doesn’t want to get dragged down when the FUCKING GAME CRASHES AGAIN. Go home!
Jerome: I thought tonight would be more special. I poured my heart and soul into this thing!
Prof. Rebecca: Well that was stupid.
Prof. Rebecca: But if you’ve got no heart and soul now, you won’t mind a little extramarital nookie-nookie.
Ally: Ugh, it’s Tertiary Cast day today, is it.
That’s why you’re here.
Prof. Rebecca: I do believe I felt a stirring down there!
Jerome: You’d be the first.
Jerome: You don’t have to pretend to like me just because I’m depressed.
Prof. Rebecca: Oh, don’t worry! It’s the depression that makes me like you, it suggests you’re easy to please.
Jerome: I feel guilty skipping out on Penny, though.
Rebecca: Why? She’s a lying, cheating bitch.
Jerome: It was just the one time, and that’s how poker works!
Jerome: …or by cheating, did you mean…?
Prof. Rebecca: I can’t stand to tell you.
Jerome: Penny means the world to me. I can’t believe she’d cheat on me just because my dick is tiny and we have no chemistry.
Jerome: …did that sound convincing to you?
Prof. Rebecca: No.
Jerome: Me either.
Prof. Rebecca: If she means the world to you, how come you’ve been macking on me since we met?
Jerome: Maybe the world is not enough.
Jessie: You were expecting maybe James Bond?
Jerome: You think Penny and Stephen…? No way! I’d sooner believe Penny and Andrew!
Andrew: ACT COOL ACT COOL
Prof. Rebecca: I wish you could see what an awful slut your wife is, and resolve to be an awful slut back to her.
Prof. Rebecca: Awful sluttiness is pretty much universal around here!
Jerome: That’s not true, is it?!
Minus the “pretty much” part, it is.
Prof. Rebecca: Embrace the dark side, Jerome.
Jerome: I’ve already got my hands full.
Wow, a joke.
Prof. Rebecca: Half a joke, at least.
Well, if you’re into Jerome, I hope half-measures are enough for you.
Prof. Rebecca: What are you doing?
Jerome: Being romantic!
Prof. Rebecca: What, in the past?
Andrew: …hey! I’m retroactively not a terrible person now!
Jerome: This isn’t what it looks like! We’re just friends!
Jerome: …what did he mean by that?
Prof. Rebecca: Have you not noticed how much time Penny spends with him?
Jerome: She says she’s learning science from him. For her police work.
Prof. Rebecca: Chemistry, maybe.
Jerome: Yeah! Forensic! How’d you know?
Prof. Rebecca: YOU ARE TOO PRICELESS TO BE REAL
Jerome: Why does everyone act like I’m an idiot?
Because anything else would be beyond the abilities of the greatest actor.
James Garner, if you’re wondering.
Prof. Rebecca: I didn’t even notice you were talking.
That’s how it works with most girls I talk to.
But then again, I don’t have a four-inch penis. I hear that’s what the chicks are into these days.
Prof. Rebecca: Holy shit! Jerome just grabbed my ass! The stars may fall from the sky.
Andrew: THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO WORK
Prof. Rebecca: Mm. I dunno. I might be tempted by that Murphy-flesh myself, under certain circumstances.
Jerome: Like being married to me?
Prof. Rebecca: I can neither confirm nor deny.
Jerome: It’s not quite finished, but we can still take it for a ride!
Prof. Rebecca: Gee, as enticing as “unfinished elevator” sounds…
Prof. Rebecca: …I think I’ll turn into Caryl Love.
Caryl: Haha, stupid, she’s still at the bottom. This is the top now.
Jerome: Hahaha! Fuck you.
Irfan Chin: Less flies. Your mayor DEMANDS it.
Irfan: Less clothing. Your mayor-
Kiera: Can go fuck himself.
Jerome: Edge over this way a bit. I think the mayor is leering at us.
Irfan: Frolic for my amusement, peons.
Prof. Rebecca: People are talkin’.
Jerome: Talkin’ bout people.
Prof. Rebecca: I hear them whisper.
Jerome: You won’t believe it!
Prof. Rebecca: They think we’re lovers.
Jerome: Kept under cover!
Prof. Rebecca: I just ignore it, but they keep sayin’ we-
Irfan: CAN’T SING
Prof. Rebecca: Laugh just a little too loud.
Jerome: Stand just a little too close.
Prof. Rebecca: We stare just a little too long.
Jerome: Maybe they’re seein’ something we don’t, darlin’!
Prof. Rebecca: Let’s give ’em somethin’ to talk about.
Jerome: How about fuck?
Prof. Rebecca: You missed a few lines there.
Jerome: Sorry, got excited for some reason.
Prof. Rebecca: As long as prematurity isn’t your thing.
Irfan: Is that the sweet, sweet scent of adultery I smell?
Irfan: …no. No, it’s B.O.
Jerome: Good god, what have I become.
Prof. Rebecca: Less boring!
Jerome: Please, get out of here. Leave me alone with my secret shame.
Irfan: She doesn’t smell that bad.
Jerome: You should have worn a stronger antiperspirant.
Prof. Rebecca: Maybe I didn’t plan to stay up all night and then fuck all morning a hundred feet closer to the sun than usual.
Jerome: I don’t know what to do. I can’t live with myself, knowing how weak and unfaithful I’ve become.
Prof. Rebecca: Oh, grow up.
Jerome: I’m serious! Nothing can fix the damage I’ve done. Literally nothing!
Jerome: …well, that was lucky.
Penny: Is somebody calling me?
Shiloh: Daddy keeps driving back and forth!
Jerome: I can set right what once went wrong!
Sure you can!
Because if there’s one thing the Chronicles have shown, it’s that good intentions ALWAYS have good results, and things can only EVER get BETTER!
Especially GAME STABILITY.
NEXT TIME: GUESS WHAT THIS AGAIN.
FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
Jerome: I’m in limbo!