The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 147

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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Happy Canada Day!

SHIT I SHOULD HAVE UPDATED MY SIMCANADA STORY INSTEAD

Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…

Penis jokes never get old.

Unless you have a tiny penis, I guess.

THAT WAS A GUESS


BROTHERS!

Sisters.

Penny: Women are pretty awesome, yeah.

Penny: Now, what did we decide for today?

No jokes that are backdoor apologies for anything people might find boring. No jokes that are backdoor apologies for how white people have literally ruined the entire world for everyone. No jokes that rely on knowledge of things that only I know about.

Penny: No, I mean, what did we decide on for today that I care about?

Oh! Right!

We have to get you laid again.

Penny: Because if you swore off adultery jokes too, there would be literally no story.

Penny: I’m off to work, Debbie! Take good care of Shiloh for me!
Debbie: That’s the dog, right?

Debbie: Just kidding.
Penny: Never joke with a woman who is authorized to use lethal force.

Penny: That goes for crotch-sniffing, too.

Debbie: I thought you were going to work!
Penny: I’m working from home today.
Debbie: So what do you need me for?
Penny: I need you to stand lookout.

Debbie: That’s OFFICER OLSHFSKI to you, lady.

Deputizing your nanny so you can cheat on your husband?

Penny: As far as police corruption goes, that’s pretty tame.

Penny: Promise me you’ll tell me if you see Jerome coming!
Debbie: Was that a double entendre?

Debbie: Anyway sure, I promise.
Penny: BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE LEAVING
Debbie: I’ll call you if I see him.
Penny: I CAN’T HEAR YOU

Shiloh: Zoom! Gone.

Penny: Alright, come on over.

Penny: I’ll make that face you like.

Chief: .oO(YOUR MOVE.)

Kitty: Can you get that mutt off my back?
Jane: The SCIA really has gone downhill since all the zombies died.

Jane: Dog! Don’t be an asshole.

Stephen: Please tell me Jerome didn’t hire SCIA surveillance.

Stephen: Oh! I know! “Hey everybody, I sure am Jerome Newcastle! And this sure is my house!”
Kitty: I’ve met Jerome. I’ve delivered his bills every Thursday since he moved in.
Jane: And everyone knows his wife’s a hoor, nobody cares.

Stephen: Any woman who pronounces it “hoor” is a woman I need in my little black book.

Kitty: Why are you still sneaking?
Stephen: My adultery fetish relies on the illusion of subterfuge.

Kitty: I think I’d make a good SCIA agent. I can fight crime and defeat evil!
Jane: How are you at calming dogs?
Kitty: I’m a POSTAL WORKER.

Penny: How did you not pair us up before? We’re the G1 and G2 Family Sims!

I dunno, the fact that those Gs stand for “Generation”? Meaning that he’s about forty years older than you?

Penny: But he’s young where it counts.
Stephen: In muh pants.

Why are you here?

Jane: William wants me to surveil them.

And?

Jane: -sigh- And get him pics.

For masturbation.

Jane: FOR MASTURBATION YES

Penny: Have him email me some.

Stephen: What was I doing here again?

I sometimes do forget that you’re, like, eighty.

Penny: Hey Alzheimer’s! In here!

Stephen: I’m sure I’d remember having Alzheimer’s.

How come all the Family Sims in my neighbourhood are such sluts?

Stephen: Because we all have adultery fetishes.

Penny: Which is because you-

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT.

Stephen: Be thankful you’re not into feet or something.

Yecch, especially in this game.

Meanwhile, Shiloh spanks her horse.

Spanks her horse good.

Stephen: Wait no that’s awful

Penny: Want a rub?
Stephen: Only if there’s a tug after.

Penny: You used to be a senator. Can you pull some strings to get Jerome some architecture contracts? It would get him out of the house more often.
Stephen: I was a state senator.

Penny: …so? The mechanics are the same. You can still do exactly what I just asked you to do.
Stephen: Wow, really? Everything I know about state senators, I learned from The Office.

Penny: Well that’s disturbing, ‘cuz the state senator on The Office was gay.

Stephen: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE INSINUATING

Stephen: But I’m willing to prove it wrong.

Stephen: Wow, on your marriage bed? That’s pretty kinky.
Penny: It’s about time this thing saw some kink.

Stephen: It’s almost like we’re married!
Penny: Don’t ruin it.

Penny: Alright, let’s break in those box springs.

Stephen: I love marriage.
Penny: Mm.
Stephen: I wish all my girlfriends were married.

Penny: OHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH TALK MARRIAGE TO ME BABY

Penny: Wow. You’d think if I was gonna cheat on my husband twice, I could at least once manage more than six inches.

Penny: Although honestly it seems like a fucking Redwood by comparison.

Penny: So there’s that.

Stephen: I can’t sleep with that thing blaring on.
Penny: Success!

Stephen: We’re not going to cuddle each other to sleep?
Penny: Sleep is for when sex goes off the table.

Stephen: I dunno, Penny. I think I’d better be heading home.

Penny: We get Skinemax on this TV.

Stephen: Well alright then.

Stephen: This… is a cooking show.
Penny: Wait’ll you see what that bitch can do with a baster.

Shiloh: TV! TV!

Penny: MAN, I am SO money.
Stephen: Did you take a sick day just so you could say that?
Penny: I never got the chance when it was an “in” phrase!

Penny: …why are you still holding that pose?

Stephen: Because getting out of it is super awkward.

Stephen: But see how flexible I am?
Penny: Shut up and put your money where my mouth is.

Stephen: Now THAT one was WORTH setting up.

Stephen: Oh yeah baby, nuzzle that sucker.

Stephen: Suck it ’til something goes terribly right.

Penny: …would you settle for terribly wrong?

Stephen: I’m sorry you had to find out this way, kid, but I’m your real daddy and we need to kill the impostor.

Penny: Don’t listen to the bad man, Shiloh. Mommy’s just interrogating him.
Stephen: You’ll never get the truth out of me, copper!

Penny: Well I’ll just keep sucking until I do!

Penny: Don’t tell your dad about this, he worries about my work too much as it is.

Shiloh: MY TURN WITH BOTTLE

Penny: NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.

Penny: Look, that… wasn’t a bottle, and you really can’t have it.
Stephen: Maybe when she’s in her thirties, and I’m a hundred and ten.

Penny: Only if I’m dead.

Penny: …oh yeah. Shit.

Penny: SOMETIMES MOMMY’S JOB REQUIRES NUDITY, HONEY.

Why so spiffy?

Stephen: Haven’t you heard? There’s a big erection today!

Penny: He means Jerome’s tower finally got built.
Stephen: That’s one thing I meant, sure.

Stephen: You sure you want me to come to this thing?
Penny: If I have to spend that much time with my real husband, I might do something to him that permanently increases the value of his work.

Penny: I don’t like this.

I don’t like it either! Put it back!

Penny: If you’ve got a time machine, now’s the time to use it.

Penny: Enh, it’s not too terrible. Bit of a femme fatale thing going.
Stephen: With a touch of “my hair is made of rotten straw.

Penny: Woo! Another poor decision I’ll have to live with for years!

Penny: It’s the perfect symbolism for Jerome’s big day.

Stephen: So am I!

Stephen: Not only have I fucked his wife, I’m gonna look up porn on his computer while she gets ready.

Penny: Why is your hair purple?

Yeah, this is starting to look like my dark ages, hair-wise.

Excited?

Jerome: I dunno. It’s not like the thing’ll have my name on it or anything.

Yeah, on something that phallic your name would be ironic.

Uh, Jack? You’re not an architect.

Jack: I am when there’s a free carpool involved!

Jerome: Hey, there’s a thought! Penny and I could carpool to save on gas!

But then how would she sneak off without you?

Jerome: I don’t know what you mean.

Jack: Everyone else does.

Jerome: I wonder if I should invite Prof. Rebecca.

The woman you met at the art hobby lot?

Jerome: She was my inspiration while I was working! And also I might have kissed her.

Jerome: Hey Rebecca! How’s about a night on the town in lieu of you telling my wife I’m a filthy cheater?

Jerome: She said yes, even though she thinks Penny would understand.

I wonder what she meant by that.

Jerome: …hi?
Stephen: Hurry up, I get sleepy after sex.

Chief: .oO(I SAID, ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MAILMAN?!)

Prof. Rebecca: Eesh, no wonder.
Penny: No wonder what?
Prof. Rebecca: Never mind.

Prof. Rebecca: Hey there!
Jerome: ACT CASUAL
Prof. Rebecca: …you too?

Jerome: Yes! Break my glasses! Like a good platonic friend would.

Jerome: That’s a lovely perfume.
Rebecca: I’m not wearing perfume.
Jerome: I just think you smell nice.

Jerome: IT’S A NICE FRIEND SMELL

Stephen: So, you fucking Penny?
Jack: What? No!
Stephen: Oh. Jerome, then?

Jerome: Why’re you eating? You know there’s a dinner reception after!
Penny: That’s why.

Jerome: Look, I know you’re bored by things that aren’t you, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d pretend to be happy for me just this once.

Penny: Nope.

NOPE.

Stephen: Aw, c’mon!

!

Prof. Rebecca: I think that Murphy creep was peeking.

Stephen: Yup!

Penny: Oh, fuck.

Stephen: I was just gonna grab your ass, nothing dangerous.
Penny: It smells like spring out here. If you’d grabbed my ass, we’d be doing it in the compost pile by now.

Jerome: Wanna come see my tower?
Jack: I TOLD THE OTHER GUY ALREADY I’M NOT GAY

Penny: I say first chance we get, we fuck in the tower.

Stephen: Bonus points if we can do it right next to him.

Jerome: So, that thing I was working on when we met is finally built. Come see it with me? And my wife? And her… friend?
Rebecca: He looks like a really good friend.

Jerome: She says their friendship is very meaningful.
Rebecca: I bet she means “deep.”

Jerome: I’ll call William.
Rebecca: William Sharpe is coming?!
Penny: …he might just be.

Rebecca: Don’t fuck the local celebrity on your husband’s big day, it’s not nice.

Penny: If you’d seen the dick Jerome made me marry, you’d see how much not nice I still owe him.

Jack: Wow, is being a playable always so interesting?
Stephen: It’s cute that you think this is int-

SAID WE WEREN’T DOING THOSE JOKES ANYMORE

Stephen: Okay, but this a still a pretty tam-

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOTHING BUT INTERESTING HERE

Debbie: PENNY! JEROME IS HERE!

Stephen: No, no, no. Townies ride on the roof rack.

Penny: Pretty sure the wife gets shotgun.
Rebecca: Stephen’s in the backseat.
Penny: Enjoy the ride, Mrs. Newcastle!

Penny: Ooh, you installed the new headlampyridae!

Tada!

…no, you oaf, look up!

Tada! The Sharpe Oil Tower.

Jerome: Looks pretty Sharpe.

Penny: Wow, you designed this? That deserves a kiss!

Prof. Rebecca: SHOTGUN.

Prof. Rebecca: Man, would you look at that figure!
Jerome: Yeah! I worked very hard on this building you are admiring.

Prof. Rebecca: So firm.
Jerome: Steel frame, nothing firmer!

Come up here! See what my view is normally like.

Emily: Oh my god! This tower is named after you! I bet that’s ‘cuz you designed it.

Let’s everybody celebrate the one person who isn’t involved in this at all.

Nancy: What gave you the idea for this tower?
Stephen: The architect?

Um, Grugly?

Do you see any playables in this shot?

Then WHY IS IT HERE

Jerome: Holy shit, you brought a sword to the ribbon-cutting?!
William: There’s huge scissors too, but you fall over and die if you use them.

William: Alright. On behalf of the Sharpe Oil Company, which my sainted mother founded and turned into the world’s premier ecological disaster and commercial venture, I hereby declare the Sharpe Oil Tower officially open!

Penny: I like how he focused so much on your part in all this.

William: C’mon, gravity. Let’s go, gravity!
Penny: Way to go, Jerome! Your place in history is assured!

Jack: And that place would be “outside of.”

Even your date doesn’t care about you.

Rebecca: They’re both artists. The only difference is, one apparently has a micropenis.

Jerome: TODAY OF ALL DAYS YOU BRING THAT UP

Rebecca: Hey, it’s been a tough day for me too! I had to go out with a dude with a micropenis.

Jerome: At least my wife is supportive, if my secret girlf- I MEAN BAD NEW FRIEND isn’t!

Penny: I think I fell asleep there. Is it over yet?

William: Let’s check out the view!
Jerome: It’s a long way up, the elevator would normally be the way to go but it’s not operational yet.
William: Of course YOU would prefer artificial means of getting things up.

Stephen: I’ve never felt so good about my six-inch dick before!

Prof. Rebecca: Would it salvage the evening if I banged the hanger-on?

William: So, your wife looks pretty hot tonight.
Jerome: Penny always looks hot.
William: What? Penny? I thought you were with that other girl.
Jerome: Why? Because she’s bla-

NOT DOING THOSE JOKES ANYMORE EITHER

Jerome: …bla-

NOPE NOPE NOPE

Jerome: BLATANTLY LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN PENNY

…oh.

Right.

Yes.

Jack: Man! What a view!
Prof. Rebecca: THIS IS THE SECOND STOREY

Naturally the first cool building I make is totally stolen from real life.

Luckily, bulldozers stole the real thing from real life, too.

Cameron: Uh-oh, it’s raining.

You can’t really feel it.

Cameron: I just mean it’s a resource-taxing effect. In downtown Centreborough.

…HURRY UP GUYS

William: Because “hurry up guys” and “stairs” go so well together.

Jerome: I can’t believe this thing is finally finished!

Yeah, me too. It took fucking forever.

Jerome: Is that why you only took one good pic of it?

Oh, I took a few decent ones.

William: Man, you can really see the product placement from up here!

Jerome: I didn’t want the glass half-walls, but somebody thought people would jump off otherwise.

Nonsense! In this neighbourhood?

They’d be pushed.

But hey, there’d be no confusion over your time of death!

Jerome: The clock display looks a bit indistinct to me.

IT’S FINE

Jerome: And I dunno, the features are a bit too… 1950s for my taste.

That’s because the only taste that matters here is mine.

William: In-built barbecues! Definitely 1950s.

Jerome: It would be a great view, if only it didn’t also have to be safe.

Jerome: Can’t see shit.

This is gonna sound stupid, but it’s neat being able to see what time it is.

Penny: I know what time it is. It’s go the fuck to bed o’clock.

Jerome: I came, he grilled, I consumed.

Penny: I’m coming too!
William: Not without me you don’t!

Emily: YOUR BOOBS!
Cheryl: SO BIG!

Emily: So big.

Nancy: …is this a thing now?

Penny: I think I can see a big wobbly blur.

Penny: But it might be a big straight blur.

Penny: OBSERVATION TOWER FAIL

William: Don’t listen to her, Jeremy. It’s beautiful.
Jerome: I’d correct you about my name, but you’d just forget again anyway.
William: Forget what, Jeremy?

Jerome: I’m planning my next project already. It’s a statue of you. On fire.

William: Sounds pretty badass.
Penny: Sounds pretty hot.

Sounds pretty FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Penny: …weren’t we gonna drive to your tower opening thing?

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Penny: Forget it, I’m just going to bed.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP NEXT: THIS AGAIN APPARENTLY.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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