The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 144

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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I declare this to be still Wednesday.

So, half of the following jokes are “haha racism is dumb.” Which it is.

Good god, I hope it actually reads that way.

I’m so confident in my own lack of racism that none of my best friends are black!


This is seriously where we left off?

Was I gay that day or something?

Man! A potential learning experience, apparently wasted.

Kendra: Who’s growing up in squalor? Is you? IS YOU?!

Kendra: I’M RUINING MY CHILD PLEASE HELP

Brenda: Keep the motor running, these are black people.

Brenda: Shit, is that offensive? We don’t call them “people” anymore, right?

Berjes: I hope someone murders you.

Stop fucking around. You’re working for Kendra.

Brenda: AHAHAHAHA! You can’t work for black people!

Kendra: I have reservations about the agency’s choice.

Oh, I get why this place is good for prostitution. It’s the red sign district!

Ember: If you’d really noticed that, you’d have fixed how they’re all hovering.

Oh, maybe not. I’m pretty lazy.

I mean, look at that haircut.

And these townies.

Shane: And that smokin’ fuckin’ hottie!

Chelsea: Call me!

Stephen: Racist cops! What makes you think I’m a criminal?

Kendra: Are the burglars supposed to wander around in broad daylight?

Only when I need them for broad comedy, apparently.

The game is obligingly throwing up all my shittiest white trash characters.

Michael: I go by “white TREASURE” thank you very much.

Quick, buy something less garbage before he divorces you.

WHAT, Grugly?

Did you find this mannequin attractive?

She looks like a blowup doll of a drug overdose.

Lydia: I am right here.

Bill: Pretending you’re real?
Tish: I feel so dead inside.

Yes. We know.

Chelsea: This story isn’t going anywhere. Have me make out with someone.

I’m not taking attention off this household’s main character! That would compound the joke racism with actual racism!

Chelsea: So have me make out with her, I don’t care.

Victor: Stop! Prostitute!
Kendra: Fucking cops! Racist sonofabitch PIG!
Victor: But… I have paid you for sex.
Kendra: Oh. Yeah. That.

Michael: I don’t think we wanna be in this one. It has… tone issues.

I’m pushing the envelope!

Poppy: Hey! Aren’t you Mike’s ex-wife?
Kendra: Thanks for reminding me! Always good for a smile.

Yes, they probably ARE all thinking “Don’t be racist don’t be racist don’t be racist.”

It comes from discovering that you really have profited from hundreds of years of colonial projects.

Chelsea: What do you think of this one?
Lydia: WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A MATURE DISCUSSION ABOUT RACE HERE
Chelsea: Really? That doesn’t sound very funny.

Kendra: It’s not, but that’s par for the course here.

Hey, my poor jokes paid for that dress!

Kendra: Nope! My vagina did that.

…that dress makes your fingernails purple.

Lexie: AND IT’S SO HOT

Aren’t you trapped in an attic somewhere?

Brooke: How come there’s only a few black main characters?
Asia: Have you seen the damage he’s doing with just the two?

I took a whole bunch of pictures of SHOPPING.

The ironic race jokes are all I’ve GOT.

AREN’T YOU TRAPPED IN AN ATTIC SOMEWHERE

GRUGLY! REMEMBER YOUR OWN FUCKING STORY

DUDE YOU ALREADY SAW THAT TWO MINUTES AGO

WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING NOW

Kendra: We need to save this. Are you a lesbian?
Poppy: When I see a girl I like!
Kendra: Oh, you’re bisexual then?
Poppy: What, we’re just making up words now?

Kendra: Bye Lexie! Have fun not having actually been here!

Lexie: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

YOU AREN’T EVEN SEEING HER NOW.

Kendra: This is my whore house.
Poppy: I think that should be all one word.
Kendra: Nope! I’m the whore, and this is my house!

Kendra: You can leave! We had lots of fun racism without you.
Brenda: That’s such a black thing to say.

Poppy: I’d like to apologize for this entire chapter on behalf of all white people.

Kendra: Except that most of them wouldn’t see a problem with it.

Sure they would.

They’d see how not funny it is, at least.

Poppy: Don’t get any brown on me!

Poppy: Oh, come on. Lighten up!

So you’re doing this to spite Michael?

Poppy: What? No! I’m just remembering that time our wedding bands got firedaggered in a cloud.

Kendra: Let me tell you my favourite pig story.
Poppy: Pig like “Babe” or pig like “Blue Bloods”?
Kendra: UGH! “Blue Bloods”?! I guess so, but man, taste!

Kendra: So yeah I had sex with a pig then had sex with a dude who beat up the pig!

Kendra: And that dude wore grease paint.
Poppy: Are you saying “pig” because you’re black, or because you’re a criminal?
Kendra: I’m saying “pig” because they’re pigs.

Poppy: Wait, like, literally?

Poppy: Wow, annoying them into makeouts works on chicks, too!

What’re you doing back here? Go in for the money shot!

Jesus Christ dude, they won’t bite!

Kendra: No promises!

Poppy: PROMISES. NOW.

Kendra: It’s okay, I don’t eat fish.

Poppy: This chapter is all kinds of classy.

And assy, too!

Hey, I hear what you’re saying, kid, but nobody cares.

Richard: .oO(I don’t like this new version of “Cat’s in the Cradle.”

Poppy: I do!

Poppy: So, is the rest of this chapter going to be me having oral sex?

Look, it’s pretty slim pickings this week.

Poppy: Oh, no, wait, did that sound like a complaint?

Kendra: I might need to come up for air eventually.

Kendra: HUUUUUHHH

Kendra: Okay, good for another hour.

Poppy: She managed two!

Uuuuuuugh guys we’ve talked about this…

Poppy: Yes, and we’ve established that Sims have no bodily fluids, so it’s fine.

Okay, but I’ve been thinking about that, and: what about pee puddles?

Poppy: What about them? They’re just expandable mats that come out of our legs. Pay better attention next time.

I think I was paying too much attention at this point.

Yeah, good place to act all nefarious.

Don’t steal their rusty mailbox, or all the other garbage laying on their lawn!

Caryl: There’s ALWAYS a way to fuck the poor!

Poppy: Or to have them fuck you!

Poppy: Seriously though, decide if I’m gay or not.

We established that you’re bisexual.

Poppy: That’s fine in real life, but it’s just lazy here.

Don’t say that! We can tell lots of more interesting stories if there’s a range of sexualities interacting!

Poppy: You’re not David Willis. Your stories about sexuality are about as nuanced as a Tom Green movie.

Kendra: Yeah, he mentioned David Willis so we need more lesbian sex now. Please come over.

“I’m mad that my gay girlfriend caught me dating a straight dude and then died“?

Poppy: I’m mad that she still owes me five bucks.

I hope I haven’t used that oldest of jokes more than once already.

I probably have.

That’s nice of you.

Poppy: I’ll just take it out in rough trade.

Poppy: So you know our stupid husband?
Kendra: He’s not my husband anymore.
Poppy: Semantics.

Poppy: Some people don’t like him.

Don’t interrupt, some serious revelations going down in there.

Abigail: I can’t believe I’m doing this, even in the name of science.

Kendra: Join our sexy lesbian threesome!
Poppy: Find out if she kicked the trash over first.

Kendra: Come to learn our sexy lesbian ways, Abigail?
Abigail: I’m writing a book on biology next.

Abigail: Or maybe physiology, if I can figure out how your body bends like that.

Kendra: It’s an anti-jealousy potion. It-
Abigail: -inhibits local romantic possession routines, and it’s called Dramanope, thank you very much.

Poppy: Oh good, the mad scientist made it, I feel much safer now.

Abigail: Actually my SONNNNNN made it, whew, which is why it has such ridiculous side-effects.
Kendra: They ARRRRE pretty ridiculous, yeah.

Abigail: So, you’ve finally gone bankrupt and had to sell your body on the street, huh? I win the pool.

Poppy: Nope, I’m buying.

Abigail: …you realize…
Poppy: …yeah, white person buying black person, right, sounds bad.
Abigail: Sounds terrible.
Poppy: You haven’t seen the rest of this chapter, though.

Kendra: Alright, get that shit off. We’re going for a skin rainbow tonight.

Abigail: Some of my best friends are black! You, to be more specific.

Abigail: I’d probably have more, if there were any.

Hey, Generation 3 has two black people, two Indians (from India, you fucking Americans), and four Jewish people!

Of course, you’ll all be dead by the time that gets uploaded.

You, the readers, I mean.

Kendra: I think there’s some non-white people at the universities.
Abigail: Because our world is better than the real one.

Kendra: This is supposed to be a hot babe makeout session. Why are we still on about the race stuff?
Poppy: You’re oppressed! And I won’t allow you to turn the conversation away from that.

Poppy: Kendra can’t get a real job because she’s black!
Kendra: No, it’s because Michael has contacts at every business in the state, and he’s had them blacklist me.
Poppy: See?! They even have a list of black people to not hire!

I promise not to make your story into a hamfisted apology for my racial guilt.

I’m going to make it about your stupid clothing.

Kendra: Pretty flat chests in here.
Abigail: I dunno, I’ve got some nice curves going on.
Kendra: Pff. Even for a white chick, you’re a stick.

Kendra: …shit, now you’ve got me doing it.

Abigail: Anyway, learn your history. I don’t think there was ever slavery or racism in the SimWorld.
Poppy: Holocaust denier!
Abigail: That probably didn’t happen either, yeah. In the SimWorld.
Poppy: Nazi apologist!

Kendra: Pretty sure there were no Nazis in this setting either.

Geez, who do you guys use for movie villains?

Kendra: The SimRussians. Even in this rosy-cheeked reality, they’re still pretty terrible.

Poppy: Well, this won’t work. How can we talk about pertinent racial issues in a setting that has no racial issues?
Abigail: I guess we could create some, if you want.

Abigail: I propose “Kick a Brunette Day.”

Poppy: Yeah! I mean, get a real colour.

Abigail: We could start a eugenics campaign to get rid of outies, too.

Poppy: How about we discriminate against women with visible vaginas? Right now that’s pretty much nobody.

Abigail: I’m glad I’ve never taken anything that belonged to you.

Kendra: Besides my haircut, you mean.

Poppy: ♪ Ebony, and ivory… ♪
Kendra and Abigail: NO

Poppy: It’s the Paul McCartney, right? I’m sorry, you have a point.

Kendra: Yes! Perform for me, sex slaves!

I can’t even extricate myself from these layers of awkward parody anymore.

But I’m glad you guys are happy.

Sure! Why not.

So… is she just bouncing up and down on your crotch?

Poppy: It’s a lesbian thing, you wouldn’t understand.

Stephen: I would, if they’d just let me in…

Stephen: THIS IS BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD THEM ALL

Stephen: And so is this.

JESUS CHRIST

Kendra: Guys, I hate to interrupt, but shit just got real.

Kendra: …actually, never mind, keep going.

In The Sims 2, a hot tub is worth as much as a fuck-ton of house upgrades.

Just like in the real world.

Richard: .oO(You need to start monetizing this, mom!)

Poppy: You should open this place up as a brothel!
Abigail: Yeah! That’s bound to lead to some sensitive and tastefully-done storylines!

Kendra: Brilliant idea, you guys! We’ll start having scenes in a genuine, upscale whorehouse! And people can exposit about their deep-seated inadequacies and motivations while they’re fucking, and HBO will pick us up!

Abigail: THIS GHETTO KITCHEN IS NO GOOD FOR MY WHITE PEOPLE FOOD

Abigail: I’m sorry we raced up your sex story.
Kendra: It’s better than sexing up a race story. Marginally.

Poppy: I’m sorry my husband is ruining your life.
Kendra: I’m sorry he’s ruining yours, too.

Kendra: Aww, a thank-you note! That’ll sure help pay those bills.

I thought your money forest was helping.

Kendra: The expression “money doesn’t grow on trees” seems to suggest that if it did, it would require no effort to obtain.

Kendra: Which is bullshit.

Kendra: So, where are we leaving this? Is there racism in this setting?

Only what you bring to it, I’m pretty sure. So… let’s not?

Kendra: Where will you get all your jokes for me and Jerome from, then?

I’ve still got prostitute jokes for you, and tiny dick jokes for Jerome.

Kendra: …you know what stereotype the tiny dick jokes are relying on, though, right?

Of course.

The stereotype that architects have large penises!

And enjoy watermelon.

Next time: University for a bit.

They can’t all be mythology episodes.

Kendra: Watermelon? You really went there?

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