The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 143

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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Maybe this week I’ll actually make all three days?

Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…

Yep. I finally did another newspaper.

Mail me your cheques.

Iris: Somebody’s gettin’ laid tonight!

Yeah, and all you had to do for it was murder his wife.

Iris: Life tastes sweeter when you earn it.

Oops, look out, you accidentally turned your draw distance up. If you’re not careful this whole story might stop looking like shit.

Iris: I’m sure your architecture will intervene, though.

Iris: …so yeah, pretty sure Kitty ran away with her greasy latin lover and is never ever coming back.

Iris: I distinctly heard her complaining that she couldn’t stand your constant nattering about Science or something.

Iris: You could even hear the capital “S.”

Sophie Byall: Hey buddy, need a blow?
Iris: Shoo, private school.

Iris: I’ve got his blows covered.

Iris: Hey, Alvin, look on the bright side: this stop sign is vertically mirrored for some reason.

Alvin: Haha yeah and half-stuck in the ground, I see it now, that’s lame.

Iris: I hear the best way to get over an acrimonious breakup is to get on the horse again! And by the horse I mean me.

Alvin: And what’s getting on you a metaphor for?

Iris: It is not.

Alvin: You look even hotter next to this Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard impersonator.

Iris: Okay, the cuteness is starting to wear off a bit now.
Alvin: So stop being so hot!

Uma: Hey, it’s famous actress Daisy White’s mom!
Brady: Wow, I’ve heard all about you, famous actress Daisy White’s mom!
Iris: Is this what Melanie goes through every day? I bet she goes nuts and kills you all.

Brooke: Hey, are you guys talking to famous actress Daisy White’s mom?!

Alvin: Well?
Brady: You don’t get your own meme.

Iris: Geez, what if I actually start to like the guy?

I’ll kill you.

Iris: Aww, that’s so sweet!

Alvin: Don’t do it! You have so much to live for!

Iris: Alvin, you can’t commit suicide with a grill. I’m making hot dogs.

Alvin: You’ve obviously never seen me cook.

Emily: Hey look, it’s famous act-


Iris: You want some plateface too, ugly?

Alvin: I’m not sure I want to eat. I’m still pretty upset about Kitty.
Iris: We’ll get you a new pussy tonight, I promise.

Alvin: Are you thinking about me? I can’t quite see it from out here.

Yep, right there. Block the embarassing neighbourhood prop.

Count Alon: What about the ones across the street?

Don’t you have a Countess somewhere?

Brady: Sometimes I almost get why other people are straight.

Alvin: Okay, so now you’re gonna take me to grief counselling or something, right?

Iris: Or something, right.

Alvin: This is a den of ill repute.
Iris: The illest! I checked.

Alvin: I’m not much of a dancer.
Iris: Men aren’t expected to dance well. We all know they only do it to grope women.
Alvin: Or other dudes! I hear that’s a thing too.

Iris: Judging by your increasingly tight pants, I’m pretty sure it’s not a thing for you.

Alvin: Says the woman who bought tighter clothes for herself tonight.
Iris: I figure the tighter mine are, the tighter yours get.

Iris: Tell me I’m wrong.

Alvin: You’re so wrong it’s right!

Iris: Feeling better yet?

Not everything.

Alvin: How do I know you’re not a femme fatale scheming to keep my secret agent nose out of someone’s evil secret agent business?
Iris: I’m wearing black. Femme fatales never dress in black.

Alvin: Man, I wish my wife would run away more often!

Iris: No?

Kiera: BAM I WIN


Iris: Kiss me, you tool.

Opal: I’m beginning to think that there’s a slight possibility that I’m past my prime.

Alvin: I’ve got enough prime right now for everyone.

Iris: Good, I don’t want to waste too much time priming your pump later.

Alvin: I don’t know what that means.


Alvin: These people look ridiculous.
Iris: It’s becoming self-aware!

Alvin: I have to warn you. I usually mention Science every even-numbered sentence. And I’m thinking about it on the odd ones.

Iris: That’s why I haven’t heard it yet! All your sentences have been odd so far.

Alvin: You’re pretty clever. Have you considered a career in Science?
Iris: I’d be a poor fit, I find it too tempting to manipulate results.

Iris: I’m really good at that.

Alvin: You promise you’re not doing someone else’s evil bidding?
Iris: What, a girl can’t do her own evil bidding? Sexist.

Victor: Hey, you’re a sexist? We should be bros.

Iris: Hos come first.

Alvin: Thanks for the pillows, Kiera.

Iris: Keep them to yourself. You might end up losing them.

Iris: Hey guy! Guy I don’t know, because I’m not Laci Phelps.

Glen: Yeah, hey! What?

Nawwaf: This is famous scientist Alvin Woodrow.
Victor: Not the famous scientist Alvin Woodrow who helped make the zombie cure!
Kiera: Didn’t famous scientist Alvin Woodrow’s wife die recently?
Deborah: I hear the woman who lives next to famous scientist Alvin Woodrow and writes her own weblog is very beautiful and intelligent.
Iris: Famous scientist Alvin Woodrow? He lives next to some nobody in a pink dress.
Nerissa: Hey guys, it’s famous actress Daisy White’s mom!

Alvin: I’m a chick magnet today.
Kiera: We must have the same poles.

Alvin: Are you saying you’re a transvestite?

Alvin: Wow, you sure are clingy tonight.
Iris: In war, you’ve gotta secure your gains.

Alvin: I didn’t know I was at war with anybody.

Iris: That’s how good they are.

Iris: You’re a smart fellow, Alvin. I bet you figure everything out eventually.
Alvin: Yeah! I just like the suspense, is all.

Iris: I forgot how much fun it was not being dead.

Kiera: Get a room, you two!
Iris: Ooh, good idea!

Iris: This is how good I am with my mouth.
Alvin: I accept your invitation.

Alvin: Can we do one last dance though? I printed out an online romance checklist and it’s very strict.


♪ To all skeet skeet motherfucker (MOTHERFUCKER!) all skeet skeet god damn

Iris: You’re blushing!
Alvin: Only because I forgot to breathe!


Because I haven’t found the right storyline to kill all these nobodies off with yet.

Iris: We’re working on it, though.

Alvin: Stop maybe revealing plot while I’m distracted!

Alvin: No, but let’s keep the distraction thing going, come on!

Iris: How about we go back to my place, where there’s less distractions, so I can use up all the distraction resources on my own?

Alvin: That has a certain Sciencey ring to it!

Iris: What a pretty place Centreborough is. Back in my day we couldn’t come here often because it used to crash so hard. When did you fix that?


Iris: Need me to pick up anything before we head home, Alvin?

Alvin: Me, for starters.

Iris: That was a cute invisible car, Wonder Woman.

Alvin: Isn’t your daughter home?
Iris: She’s probably killing someone or something.
Alvin: Right! Rehearsing for her job portraying a serial killer.
Iris: Totally what I meant, yeah.

Iris: Would you like to stay the night? I have an extra side of the bed you can sleep on, and an extra vagina for you to keep your penis in.

Alvin: How come girls always have those?!


Lexie: Kinda like this WATER.

Lexie: That’s better.

I couldn’t figure out how to remind you in the newspaper recap that Daisy is keeping a hostage in her attic.

Lexie: Maybe you need a better recapping device.


Alvin: Iris! You seemed taller in your new outfit!

Alvin: Do you prefer to be called a midget or an elf?

Iris: I don’t care if you call me by your wife’s name, as long as you’re doing it in my bed.

Andrea: Dork.
Daisy: Dweeb. It’s meaner.

Alvin: Oh, hello. You’re looking less dressed.
Iris: I do so pride myself on my subtle hints.

Alvin: Sometimes I even pick up on them!

Iris: Demonstrate the laws of attraction to me, Dr. Woodrow.

Andrea: Pattycake!
Daisy: They only sound similar.

Iris: Forget about that whore, Alvin. She was one hundred percent Maxis. You’re looking at a total gene package upgrade here.

Iris: It’s a scientific fact.

Alvin: You’re kinda lecturing to the faculty here, don’t you think?
Iris: Is that like preaching to the choir?
Alvin: If you’re gullible, sure.


Iris: Thank god for pervert programmers.

Alvin: Where did you learn to do that?!
Iris: I’m basically acting out a porn on top of you. Most guys are too shallow to have a problem with it.

Alvin: I have never felt so much empathy for most guys!

Kaylynn: Would you like to play a game with your Aunt Kaylynn?
Kelsey: Mommy says you sleep in pee.

Daisy: High five!

Alvin: I’m just sayin’, I could totally go again.

Iris: What you lack in length and girth, you halfway make up for in stamina!

Alvin: Do you get off on insulting people?
Iris: You should take it as a challenge to get me off in other ways.

Kaylynn: So when do I get to hear this fantastic plan of yours?
Daisy: Over my dead body.

Daisy: But hopefully my body outlives yours.

Kaylynn: Oh, probably. I’ve been dead more times than Weird Al.

Daisy: Next time you’re down there, kick Lucas in the balls for me.

In other news, is Andrea dead too?

Iris: Well, it’s consummated now.

Alvin: …what is?

Iris: Your symbolic divorce.

Alvin: So wait, I actually get to date you? You’re not just drunk and seeing me with beer goggles or something?
Iris: Trust me, beer goggles wouldn’t be able to distort how you you are.

Daisy: Sneaking mission failed. Try again.

Kaylynn: Some day I intend to come back to life to an actual room.

Iris: Why are we getting up at fuck-you in the morning?

Iris: Oh, right, you have that crotchfruit to take care of.
Alvin: She’s probably eating the couch leather by now.

Alvin: How do I know you’ll see me again?
Iris: The kind of stupidity I apparently have is rarely temporary.

Iris: And I can’t dump you now, because you know the embarrassing things I shout during sex.

Alvin: Lots of people your age liked the Backstreemmmmphhhhh mmmm.

Alvin: We have the same skintone.
Iris: The basis for most relationships.

Iris: Say, have you heard that sex has been clinically proven to enhance higher brain functions?

Kelsey: Pattycake again!

Iris: Well? Do you feel any smarter?

Alvin: It’s like you shot some knowledge up my penis while I shot that other stuff into your vagina!

Iris: I hear all the truly great scientists neglected their familial responsibilities.

Alvin: Well okay then.


Alvin: What did I ever do to deserve a chick like you?

Iris: Nothing. You’re being played.
Alvin: That’s okay, you play with me really well.

Iris: It’s like deflowering a virgin every time.

Growing up in the atomic age.

Daisy: Geez, take some pride in your surroundings woman.

That’s almost exactly the same pose as before.

Iris: That’s because I only bought myself an extra half-hour of sleep.




Alvin: Best Groundhog Day loop ever!

Iris: I wish you could see how sexy my eyes look right now.

Alvin: I believe you.

Iris: If you were William, you’d be three inches deep in me right now.
Alvin: If I were William I’d have figured out your nefarious plot and shot you by now.

Iris: I accept your compromise.

Iris: And I’ll raise you one of my own.

Alvin: I like where this is going.

Alvin: I like where this is still going.

Alvin: I love where this is!

Alvin: You have to brush your teeth after, though.

Iris: I’m brushing my teeth right now.

Iris: Oh god! You’re naked! Where am I?!

Alvin: Still not funny…
Iris: I’ll see you out, date rapist.

Alvin: Rape jokes aren’t funny.
Iris: When men tell them.
Alvin: But a man is writing your dialogue!

Which is itself probably not okay.

Alvin: Is this your car? It looks like the one Daisy drives.
Iris: I’m not getting cum all over my upholstery!


Alvin: Ew, that white-

Lexie: -sticky stuff is dripping everywhere, what a mess!

Alvin: So, is this what first dates are usually like?
Iris: I think for most women they’re usually more like cautionary tales.

Alvin: You mean this wasn’t a cautionary tale?
Iris: No, I don’t feel the need to shower or call the cops.
Alvin: I’M A CATCH

Iris: So am I! I’ve got granddaughters and I’m only thirtyish. These bitches are gonna be supporting me for life.

Alvin: I’m at the point where financial stability is a serious aphrodesiac.

Alvin: But can we not talk about babies while we sex?

Iris: Yeah, let’s not jinx the contraceptives.

Usually Alvin is his own contraceptive.

What I’m saying is, this hardly seems fair to all the non-stooges out there.

Iris: If there’s any more stooges who can accidentally blow the lid off our plot, then by all means, line them up.

Alvin: Can you translate what you’re saying down there for those of us who don’t speak blowjob?


Yeah, I don’t know what was going on. I must have gotten tired of my actual porn that night.

…wait, no, it was like five o’clock in the evening. On a Wednesday.



Alvin: I have to leave before this moebius strip resets again.

Alvin: Your kisses taste like dick now.

Iris: Everything is gonna taste like dick now.

Iris: Unless…
Daisy: Nope, this bottle was dick-flavoured.

Iris: That’s still pretty awesome.

I hope it doesn’t teach you to try inflating dicks like balloon animals, though.

Daisy: So yeah, the microcameras got it all. Solid blackmail material.
Iris: He’s not going to interfere. He’s too much of a clod to figure it out.
Daisy: Get a big enough clod and your plumbing will still back up, mom.

Iris: My daughter, the poet.

Leaving evidence of your misdeeds, eh?

Alvin: What? Sure!

Daisy: Oh hey, see if you can figure out why the basement keeps nakeding people.

I think it might be symptomatic of a wider problem with reality.

Daisy: ‘cuz we’re in a porn, and it’s time for the money shot. Come with me.

Kaylynn: This seems like a bad idea.

Daisy’s plans usually work out pretty well for her.

Kaylynn: Right! It seems like a bad idea for me.

Kaylynn: Hi, Melanie? Hi. It’s Kaylynn. I’m not dead.

Kaylynn: Remember how we used to rampage around and eat people? I miss those days.

Kaylynn: Melanie, I specifically didn’t ask about your kids so you specifically wouldn’t tell me.

Kaylynn: Look, I’ve met someone who thinks she can bring back the glory days. I know you haven’t lost the taste for brain. Week-old spaghetti just isn’t the same.

Kaylynn: No, hear me out! We can sack the entire county and leave everyone else to rot! Literally. As zombies. Oh, you got that. Alright.

Kaylynn: The time is right. Everyone thinks I’m dead and you’re cured. They think they’re safe.

Daisy: Saw what you did there.
Kelsey: I didn’t!

Kaylynn: Just consider it, alright? Or are you too happy under the trigger thumb of the guy who locked you in four different prisons over the course of ten years?

Kaylynn: Ooh, touched a nerve.

Kaylynn: Okay, I baited Big Pink. Did you handle Blondie?
Iris: Only all night.
Kaylynn: Okay, great, gross.

Daisy: I think Kelsey might have just learned how to levitate.

Kaylynn: All demon children are born knowing that.

Kaylynn: Hey, aren’t you famous actr-
Iris: Fuck off.

Daisy: I’m a good mom!
Iris: Implying that I wasn’t?
Daisy: Didn’t have enough time to judge, since you decided to play catch with that axe murderer.

Kelsey: Yeah, that was a shit move for sure.


Daisy: I don’t, really. But the shiftiness factor is totally worth it.

Daisy: Alright Kay, do your stuff.
Kaylynn: At least I don’t have to actually die this time.
Daisy: Yeah. Right. Definitely.

Kaylynn: I wish I could say I didn’t kinda like being a mouldering, festering corpse.

Iris: It definitely improves her complexion.

Kaylynn: The pustules add a lot of tone and definition, to be sure.

Daisy: Anything you need to do to prepare?
Kaylynn: Just one thing.

That’s legit.

Iris: I really don’t see why we’re relying on these psychopaths.
Daisy: You don’t? Because I’m pretty sure plans for world domination that exploit the preconceived notions of others and don’t expose you to prosecution are the best plans.

Daisy: Take care of Zombie #1. I’m gonna go to work so we can afford the rest of them.

Kaylynn: …the rest of us?

Kaylynn: PLEASE tell me more about this plan. I have literally just DIED to know.

Iris: You won’t be the only one.

Whatcha mailin’?

Daisy: “Dear William: BRAAAAAINS. Love, Melanie.”

Next time: uh, lesbians again, apparently.

But, like, lots of them this time.

So if you’re into that… yay?

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