The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 142

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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And now, unexpectedly: plot!


Kaylynn: I declare this meeting of the Mexican Standoff Committee closed!

Kaylynn: Your shifty glare has really improved, Iris! Keep on it!

Iris: Hey Alvin! Remember me? I’m the girl you talked to in the toolshed last year.
Sam: Guys talk to a lot of girls in toolsheds.
Daisy: Yeah, that’s not nearly specific enough mom.

Sam: It’s like she’s from another planet or something.

Kaylynn: Hey Sully! Taking a bath?

Sullivan: IN YOUR BLOOD MAYBE

Alvin: Man, what an ugly baby!

Sam: That idiot you called is here.
Iris: How do you know it’s him?
Sam: He’s cooing at an empty can of ravioli.

Iris: Yep, that’s Alvin.

Iris: Hey! Long time no see!
Alvin: Weren’t we talking just yesterday?
Iris: Which was a year ago.

Alvin: Ah, computer science. You are not a real kind of science.

Iris: Hey, you didn’t bring your wife with you, right?
Alvin: No. I was all like “I’m going to Iris’ house” and she looked at me like I was braindead and said “Okay, pick me up some plant food while you’re there.”

Alvin: So hey, you’re not gay, right? I can’t remember if Irises are self-pollinating or not.

Iris: No, I’m not gay. But I don’t have sex with insects, either.

Daisy: IS THERE AUGHT YOU WON’T CONSUME?!

Andrea: NAY.

Iris: I just wanted to tell you that I saw your wife at the convenience store the other day probably totally cheating on you or something.

Sam: …wait a second.

Sam: YOU’RE EATING SO MUCH, I’M GETTING FAT?!

Daisy: Nobody come downstairs until I say so.

Daisy: I’m doing secret stuffs.

Where the fuck is this?

Daisy: I told you, it’s a secret.

Daisy: Everyone should have at least one skeleton in their attic.

Daisy: And zombies aren’t much more than skeletons.

Daisy: You might want to hold off a bit on that expression of hope and joy, Lexie.

Daisy: “Woo! I’ve been trapped in a dormer by a homocidal maniac! Yeah! Livin’ the dream.

Best Friends.

Iris: I’m just saying, a woman only wears jogging pants in public for one reason.

Daisy: Alright, here’s the scoop. I am your captor. You are my prisoner. And I’m gonna turn you into some kind of terrifying killer monster, because that’s going to be my new thing.

Daisy: THIS CHANGES NOTHING.

Lexie: I’ll do anything for you! You saved my life! You’re like fifty different kinds of awesome.

Daisy: You have no idea how much I enjoy hearing that.

Lexie: Do you have a death fetish or something?
Daisy: Or something.

Lexie: Mmm, ladycrotch.

Daisy: Maybe later.

Daisy: I need to start an evil scheme flowchart.

Lexie: I hope this stuff works like an on-off switch.

Lexie: ‘cuz I’m okay with living in an airless attic, but I draw the line at grey skin.

Lexie: Achievement Unlocked.

Lexie: …not much of an achievement, though…

Yes, I’m sure that’s what we’re paying you for.

Iris: Your wife’s definitely screwing around on you. And married couples should share all the same hobbies, so I propose you start screwing around on her. With me.

Alvin: I love Kitty and her ability to crush me to death with her shark jaw-like thighs too much for that to happen.

Kaylynn: Kickin’ butler.

Iris: Well okay, Alvin, but just remember: loving that woman will bring you nothing but grief.

Alvin: I’m sure that’s not a double entendre or anything!

Mmm, space weevil.

Daisy: I bet if I went around collecting these and selling them I could afford a disintegrator ray or something.

Daisy: Thanks for all your hard work never, Sam, it’s really appreciated.

Daisy: Okay, Plan L.

“L”? What happened to A through K?

Daisy: His name doesn’t start with any of those.

I KNOW THOSE DOUCHEY BOOTS

Daisy: Ugh. I hate Plan L.

YOU DO?!

Lucas: Lucas Perez is feeling not himself.
Daisy: And it’s your only saving grace.

Lucas: Lucas Perez cannot feel his most important feeling places.

Daisy: Right, shut up, you’re gross. Okay, so, we’re plotting against your ex-girlfriend. You in?

Lucas: Lucas Perez is always in! He is often in by multiple inches.

Lucas: When he is sexing.

Lucas: Lucas Perez can see his reflection.
Daisy: You’re a zombie, not a vampire.
Lucas: Lucas Perez has never seen his reflection. Its glory has proven too glorious for him to witness.

Daisy: Drink that shit and let’s get on with it.
Lucas: Is shit? Lucas Perez thanks you.

Lucas: Is good shit!

Lucas: Lucas Perez is mad at a man.
Daisy: Why?
Lucas: Lucas Perez does not know.

Because his creator neither remembers nor cares.

Daisy: Wipe your grease off it when you’re finished, okay?

Sullivan: WRITE THIS DOWN, BITCH

Lucas: Lucas Perez is excited! He is stepping out into a fresh new-

Daisy: -puddle of urine, yeah.
Lucas: Is what he was going to say!

Daisy: Please invite Kitty over so I can kill you both.

Sullivan: Dear Diary: urine buddies!
Kaylynn: I think I just got fired.

I like how they keep dead people on staff just in case they come back to life so they can fire them.

Lucas: Pretty Kitty! Your luscious latin Lucas lover has returned! He awaits you at the home of the actress whore.
Daisy: I am making note of this terminology.

Lucas: No no, bad Kitty, do not dredge up old poopings now on the electrophone. Be coming over to talk to Lucas Perez in person where his animal magnetism and stench can overpower your feminine reason.

Lucas: You remember that my dick is like ten feet long, right?

Is your plan really worth this?

Daisy: I’ll know once I figure it all out. But no, I’m gonna say no, probably not.

Lucas: But you must be coming, chiquita! I am having your baby!
Kitty: You’re a man, Lucas.
Lucas: What point are you making? Man is better than woman, and can do woman things if he wants to!

Lucas: If Lucas Perez can excrete enough oil to lubricate his car and his love-shaft naturally, his body can make wonders manifest.

Lucas: Why you would be calling the police?
Kitty: I’m on my cellphone, and the airwaves are a public trust you monster.

Lucas: COME OVER OR I’LL KILL YOUR HUSBAND OKAY

Daisy: I really liked that last part.

Iris: I CAN SEE YOUR BUBBLES YOU LAZY PRICK

Daisy: I really appreciate your help, Lucas. You’re making the world a worse place.
Lucas: Is my thing!

Daisy: Got some shit to do, gonna teleport. Later.

Lucas: …LUCAS PEREZ CAN DO THAT TOO BUT CHOOSES NOT TO

Daisy: HACK KAFF

Daisy: Don’t make me put ventilation in my prison, it just doesn’t suit the theme.

Daisy: Should I leave you guys one? Just in case?

Oh, you’re here.

Kitty: I am going to kill that slimy son of a bitch.

He’s unlikely to live through this encounter, I’ll give you that much.

Sullivan: OOH LOOK AT ME I’M SPECIAL ‘CUZ I’M A NINJA

Daisy: The package is delivered.

Daisy: Make me proud, mom.

Daisy: My face is stuck.

Iris: And now, a very special episode of “How I Met Your Murder.”

Iris: Hi, I’m Iris White.
Kitty: Have we met?
Iris: We just have! And only one of us can occupy this space, unfortunately.

Kitty: I don’t know what that means so I’m gonna kick this flamingo you have.

Iris: DAMMIT FAKE PEOPLE GO AWAY

Iris: Hi! You saw Kitty just now, eh.
Vivian: Pretty sure it’s a doggie, moron.

Iris: COME INSIDE FOR SOME REASON

Vivian: Sounds legit.

Iris: Coat rack! Come here!

I have no idea.

Vivian: I’m visiting!
Kitty: Don’t get any townie on me, I’m only recently rehabilitated.

Daisy: My plots are so awesome, even I have trouble sorting them out!

Daisy: Which means I just need to ad-lib, which usually means killing extra people, which is even more awesome!

Sam: Hahaha yeah! Should I be hearing this?

Kitty: Alright poopsmith, it’s showdown time.

Kitty: Show me to the gormless greaseball, I’m gonna turn him into a carpet stain.

Iris: Yeah, our carpet is definitely going to be replaced after today.

Iris: Head on out into the long narrow hallway, and I’ll show you what you came here for.

Kitty: That phrasing would bother me if I were paying proper attention!

Kelsey: Momma!
Iris: Take notes, kids.

Iris: Mommy’s taking up the family business.

Iris: Some day this can all be yours!

Iris: But not, like, right now, scoot.

HEALTH AND SAFETY HEALTH AND SAFETY!

Well, at least you had some semblance of a life for a while there.

Kitty: I regret at least half of it.

Kitty: But this part especially.

Whuck.

Kitty: Let’s not rush to judgment, maybe now I just can’t smell cheese or something.

Kaylynn: If I see Cameron again…

Kaylynn: …I’mma pee on her.

Andrea: .oO(Good form, but you need to work on your foot placement a bit.)

Sullivan: How’s this?

Lucas: Someone is pooping, Lucas is here.

Why are you naked?

Lucas: Someone is pooping, Lucas is here.

Sam: Hi murderer woman, hi zombie dad.

Lucas: So when you were saying kill you were actually meaning kill?!

Vivian: I don’t know why she told me to stare at this wall, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna miss whatever it’s gonna do!

Vivian: Hey, it’s getting pretty hot out there. Can I take a break?
Daisy: No, but I can give you one.

Kaylynn: Who gets to kill the scumbag?
Iris: We were thinking of wrestling for it.

Andrea: WHUCK!
Daisy: Her first words!

Vivian: Aww she’s so cute!

Vivian: You must be so proudddddrbl.

Lucas: If this is the end, chiquitas, Lucas Perez is not going down without inflicting at least one emotional scar.

Sam: Hey, watch the map! I haven’t got enough Pledge in the world to scrub ectoplasm off.

Sorry, we’re full up right now. Try again later.

Daisy: Everyone form an orderly line.

Lucas: But Lucas Perez was just winning back the audience! Pleasin’ the ladies! Makin’ a mark!

Daisy: I make the marks around here.

Lucas: F-

-whuck.

Lucas: Don’t let it end this way! Tell them I pooped something.

Kaylynn: Ugh, he did.

Daisy: Nobody panic, this one’s just temporary.
Sullivan: Oh WHAT A RELIEF.

Sullivan: You hear that, Sam? It’s okay we’re dead because we’ll get to die again sometime.

Daisy: Pff, no. You I actually like.

Daisy: Your son is fucked.
The Grim Reaper: SO I’LL JUST THROW OUT THE LIST AND TAKE EVERYBODY THEN SHALL I

Sullivan: DON’T YOU DARE MAKE THAT STUPID SOUND EFFECT.

Whu-

Sullivan: I WILL HAUNT-FUCK YOUR SKULL

Iris: So you see, kiddo, sometimes when bad things happen to good people, they have to start murdering everybody.
Kaylynn: Yeah, it’s, like, expected. Like when you get to steal the towels from your hotel room.

Daisy: Don’t worry, you’ll be seeing him again soon.
Sam: That’s what I’m sad about.

Kaylynn: So somebody want to let me in on this great plan we’re unfurling?
Iris: Talk to your supervisor, I don’t deal with the rank-and-file.

Kaylynn: I’ll have you know I was a vital part of a zombie apocalypse that killed half the people in this state!
Laci: Precisely! Half! We don’t need that kind of quitter attitude in our new organization.

Sam: Oh no! Sleeping people! I didn’t see anything please don’t hurt me.

Iris: I just remembered how I feel about doing dishes, Sam, and I think you’re safe.

Andrea: Momma! Momma!
Daisy: What?
Andrea: Hot momma.
Daisy: Fuckin’ right.
Kelsey: Get away from me, you filthy skank.

Iris: Are you sure you kidnapped that one? She sounds so much like you at her age.

Iris: Hey Alvin? I just saw your wife running away with Lucas Perez. You want to go on a totally platonic drive so we can talk about it and not have a rebound relationship?

Daisy: Good luck, mom.
Iris: Hey, with the three of us on the team, how can we lose?
The Grim Reaper: I’M NOT ON YOUR TEAM. I’M THE UMPIRE.

Then you should have called us out after three strikes, stupid.

Next time: the plot coagulates!

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