Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Lora: Oh my god! It’s our turn again?!
Yeah, go start a fire or something would you?
Lora: Your dad got eaten by a plant. It was for the best.
Lora: The very best.
I hope you got the model they made for confined and carpeted spaces.
Because I’m sure that’s a thing.
Lora: So yeah, I just got the psychic message that Bradley’s dead. Let’s pretend he isn’t so I can keep living off his social security cheques.
Mayhew: If he’s dead, you should wear his first wife’s clothes. They were hot.
Lora: You don’t get to pick my outfits. You’re still the butler.
Mayhew: Yeah, but now I’m the butler with leverage.
Mayhew: Seriously though, she wore underwear outside, it was awesome.
Lewis: It sounds cold.
Mayhew: It sounded like an order.
Lora: Any other requests?
Mayhew: I like blondes. And do something about that nose.
Mayhew: And be smarter, too. I like people who are smarter than you are.
Lora: So basically don’t be myself.
That’s the advice I was gonna give you!
Lora: I don’t see why he hates my neon underwear.
Lora: The nose, though, I get.
Heyyy. That is an improvement!
Lora: Next time ask me yourself instead of relaying it through the butler.
Lora: So I can tell you to go fuck yourself directly.
Lora: Hmm… you’ve got a point, though. I can see why Bradley would go for a chick wearing this.
To be fair, the chick wearing it was a lot more interesting than you.
And a fantastic, generous, incomparably talented slut.
Lora: Well, maybe the clothes make the woman.
At the very least they make the woman tolerable!
Lora: I feel like a god-damned hippie.
Is there a non-god-damned kind?
Lora: There, I changed my entire look to suit your weird fetishes. Are you happy now?
Mayhew: Wow, you guessed that I’m into angry bitches too! I’m impressed.
Lora: Was that a dig? It sounded like a dig.
Lyndsey: .oO(CAREFUL WHAT CONTEXT YOU PUT THAT IN)
Lora: OH HEY BRADLEY TOO BAD YOU’RE NAPPING THE SHARPES ARE HERE
Lora: Bradley can’t come out because he’s dead. Tired. Dead tired. So he’s not dead.
Lora: ANYWAY HI
Melanie: Hi! So Bradley’s asleep?
Lora: Definitely something like that, yeah!
Lora You’re looking better!
Melanie: Than when?
Lora: Than when you made half the state, including me, into brain-eating monsters!
Melanie: Don’t touch me, I’m still not sure all my parts have fully healed.
William: Aren’t you gonna introduce us?
William: So basically imagine the best thing ever and that’s me.
Lora: Your wife is bent over.
William: Women do that for me a lot.
William: I basically make out with people whenever I want to.
Melanie: He used to. Then we got married.
William: Right, that’s an accurate description of the current state of affairs for sure.
William: I dated someone with similar hair once, but Melanie had better skin.
Melanie: He’s always been such a romantic.
Lora: Well keep him away from me, because I totally wouldn’t cheat on my husband right now with him if he asked me to.
William: Message received!
Melanie: You guys can be chaste buddies!
William: That is a thing which will happen.
Lora: It was nice meeting you!
Melanie: Okay William, I guess we’re going!
Lora: NO JUST YOU
Melanie: I know where you keep your gun.
William: For unrelated reasons I have to go too.
Lora: I will literally always be waiting for you to come back.
Mayhew: You’re so hot when you’re desperate.
Lora: I’m desperate? What about the NPC who’s never gotten laid?
Lora: He must be really repressed, spending all his time in lush houses alone with beautiful women.
Mayhew: HIS JOB SOUNDS TOUGH BUT HE SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DUDE
Mayhew: I could kill you, you know. I’m an evil secret agent.
Lora: Yeah, but I don’t think you’re a necrophiliac.
Mayhew: I COULD TRY.
Lora: Or we could bang.
Mayhew: …but I was just getting into the idea…
Lora: Oh please oh please don’t kill me mister strong secret agent man.
Mayhew: At least don’t end your fake pleading with a period!
Lora: Ooh I’m so scared of you let’s make love
Mayhew: If I’ve given you the impression that I have a humiliation fetish, that impression is mistaken.
Lora: It must be so scary for you, living next to the pasty master spy and his clever zombie wife!
Mayhew: You’re getting into she-knows-too-much territory, Lora.
Mayhew: And what makes you think I’m into you, anyway? Just because you blew me in the bathroom that one time? Bradley’s daughter does that with her eyes every time she looks at me!
Lora: Chelsea? She does that to everyone, Mayhew. Every woman in this neighbourhood now has a metaphorical dick from Chelsea Price eyeblowing it for them.
Mayhew: …I take back what I said about you. That was a piece of vocabularistic art.
Jerome: …did you just take a dump?
The Grey Lady of Simcity: .oO(You’d damn well better bag it.)
Lora: Come on, we need some smoochin’ tunes! Isn’t there any Skrillex on right now?
Mayhew: You need to be drinking this baby bottle if we’re gonna get it on.
Lora: I thought I recognized your face from the news!
Lora: Man, Ember was really on to something. I feel so free in this thing!
Mayhew: That thing has been on the floor of literally every house on this street. It exudes freedom.
Mayhew: I want to see this pic later.
It’s on your computer.
Lora: Up high!
Lora: Down low!
Lora: Too slow.
Lora: But I don’t hear any complaints.
Mayhew: You won’t, unless your kids walk in.
Mayhew: In which case they’ll probably whine a bit before I shoot them.
Lora: Just so we’re clear, I’d send you to jail before letting you kill my babies.
Mayhew: Duh! That’s why I’d shoot you first.
Lora: I keep forgetting you guys staged 9/11.
Mayhew: What? No! That was the good secret agents. Us bad ones love the international financial community and the military!
Lora: The FBI should be arresting the Maker right now for writing this dialogue.
Ah, but the Maker lives in Canada, and CSIS is a bunch of nancies.
Lora: Hahaha! God is a Canadian.
Mayhew: Is that the same as being a SimCanadian?
Lora: No, it’s much lamer.
Lora: Come on, let’s go exploit the features of this mansion we apparently own now.
Lora: Hey, don’t you ever go away?
What? I go away all the time!
Lora: It’s just that I never see you fuck off while I’m doing stuff.
That’s because you don’t exist while I’m not looking at you!
Lora: There’s a Schrödinger’s Cat joke in here somewhere.
And luckily you’re not smart enough to think of it, so I don’t have to be either.
Mayhew: Is that huge dialogue chain over yet? Can I finish sitting down now?
Mayhew: If we’re gonna mess around, we need to pull the curtains shut. Don’t want to give anyone a reason to come inside and see what’s happening.
Lora: That’s a good idea. Nobody liked Bradley and nobody likes me, so nobody will show up if we don’t do anything stupid.
Mayhew: What if somebody resurrects Bradley, though?
Lora: What if somebody likes Bradley enough to miss him? You might as well ask me to plan for the possible existence of Godzilla.
Bradley: I’m just saying, if your husband comes back I’m gonna have to shoot him.
Lora: What? Why?
Bradley: Are you kidding? With that face and that moustache and that personality?! The only reason I didn’t shoot him today is that the cowplant beat me to it!
Lora: You’re not nice.
Mayhew: And you’re rich enough to afford less understatement.
Lora: Wait, what if he tries to shoot me?!
Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about that.
Lora: No? Why not?
Because if he does, I’ll make sure he succeeds.
Mayhew: That should take a lot of the tension out of our relationship.
Lora: I know how we can get rid of the rest.
Lance: I like these little trips to the community centre.
Lance: I don’t know what these pieces of paper are for, though.
Lewis: Maybe they’re receipts?
Lewis: Oh hey dad’s dead.
Mayhew: Yeah! So dead.
Mayhew: And your mom’s dead sexy!
Lora: Now that’s just in poor taste.
Mayhew: Let me take that taste out of your mouth, then.
Lance: Pow! Pow!
Lewis: I don’t wanna play cops and robbers! Dad just died!
Lance: Haha, no, stupid, I’m threatening you.
Lewis: My teacher said to ask you to help me study, no matter how unlikely it might be that it could help.
Lewis: I don’t know if she was insulting me or you.
Lora: Assume it’s you.
Lance: This is my favourite room.
Your parents’ bedroom?
Lance: No, just whatever room nobody else is in at any given moment.
Lora: Look, kid, it’s not that hard.
Mayhew: He owns a giant stuffed frog? Are you sure he should be riding the long bus to school?
Lewis: You guys are a terrific support network.
Lora: Fine, we’ll both help you.
Lewis: Nope, my subconscious responded to that threat admirably. Thanks though.
Mayhew: Good, that’s done. Now can we fuck?
Mayhew: I mean, you already sucked me off twice.
Mayhew: I think something’s wrong with your stupid kids.
Lance: You’re both on the list.
Lewis: I’m gonna practice running them over.
Lance: Hey, have you given any thought to being dead?
Lewis: Yeah, I think it’d be a real good fit for you.
Mayhew: This is kinda scary guys.
Lewis: Mack on our mom again and we’ll show you what scary is.
Mayhew: Give me an excuse, little man. Give me an excuse.
Lewis: Don’t cry, Lance. We’ll avenge dad.
Lance: What? I just really hate math.
Mayhew: Mmm! Smells almost as good as this toddler potty!
Mayhew: Modern girls who can’t cook are hot.
Lewis: How did you burn spaghetti?
Lora: When you need to not be a grandma, you find a way.
Lewis: So I see you got over dad’s death pretty quick.
Lora: Can’t talk, eating pasta.
Lewis: Your new boyfriend seems nice, for a child molester.
Lyndsey: .oO(Someone either teach me to shout or tell me that child molester thing was a joke. I’m shitting bricks here.)
Lyndsey: .oO(Milestones, too.)
Mayhew: Aw, you ran us a bath!
Lora: My kids are literally right outside you lunatic.
Mayhew: Well all five of us can’t fit, so looks like it’s just you and me.
Mayhew: Fine, be a prude all of a sudden.
Mayhew: They’re gonna see something dirty eventually, trust me.
Lance: Sure is your dick around here lately.
Mayhew: There, now we don’t need to hide it.
Lance: But you still could! Hiding it should still be on the table.
Lora: Did you just traumatize my children?
Mayhew: Let’s not let their sacrifice be in vain.
Default eye replacements!
When did I get those?! I didn’t notice!
Lora: Other things are happening right now!
Too bad, I’m still stuck on those eyes.
Mayhew: I hope you know a good dry cleaner.
Mayhew: And I’m adding it to your bill.
Lora: I am happy to pay for this enhanced level of service!
Mayhew: Service with a smile!
Mayhew: Take a bath already, you’re filthy.
Mayhew: Hey, check this shit out!
Mayhew: Maybe you’d better get out of that filthy water and take a shower. I’ll take one too, at the same time, for solidarity.
Lora: You’re such a dick.
Mayhew: You seem to like dicks.
Mayhew: I wonder if my other clients would consider upgrading to this package.
Lora: It’s a great package.
Uugh, there you go again.
Lora: What? What’s the problem?
You just… and then.. and now you’re… with the mouth…
Lora: So? It’s not like anything came out into my mouth or anything!
…your world is much neater.
Mayhew: Yours sounds disgusting.
It really is.
Where do you think I came from?
Baby’s first words!
We shall call it Mount Doom.
Yeah, make sure nobody pooped anything good out.
And get right past the U-Bend, anything really substantial is sure to be stuck up there.
Right, now go touch everything you can get your hands on. You’re learning!
Lora: .oO(I feel like something terrible is happening.)
Lewis: I love you, toy car! You won’t die or fuck the butler!
Lewis: Should she be doing that?
Lewis: Why are you cleaning at this hour?
Lance: I’m not. This sponge is full of gasoline. If they start showering together, I’m gonna toss in a match.
Brooke: Oh my god! Was that poor kid outside all night?!
Mayhew: Don’t be ridiculous. This is their dog.
He makes a good point.
Lewis: THIS SHOWER SMELLS SOOOOOO GOOD
Lora: My life is more interesting now.
Lora: And it’s terrible.
Next time: the plot thickens!