Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Today’s entry: G-rated plot!
It’s something new I’m trying out.
Guess you’ll want to see this again first.
You’ll never pass the final exam if you don’t keep up on your studies!
“Cecilia”: I don’t know how much longer I can go on living a lie.
Mayhew: I know, right?
Mayhew: I haven’t killed anyone in weeks.
“Cecilia”: I like people who make me feel like maybe I’m not the worst person in the world.
“Cecilia”: Speaking of which, have you digested Lucas yet?
“Cecilia”: This is what he would have wanted.
No, he would have wanted to be pooped and eaten.
Somebody got paid, at work, to do this.
Personally I’d want Lucas pasteurized first.
“Cecilia”: Somehow I think Lucas milk curds a few minutes after you squeeze it, though.
“Cecilia”: Wow whee! The only thing better than getting your youth back is getting someone else’s.
Mayhew: Way to profit from the misfortune of others, lady! Pretty hot, gotta say.
“Cecilia”: He wouldn’t mind. This was the only way he was ever getting inside of me.
Mayhew: Look how much better I am at this than you are.
Nick: Yeah, but look what you’re forced to do with it.
Mayhew: Yeah, but my mutant power is turning poop into plastics.
Mayhew: Can I touch your kid?
Vicki: You’re the butler. Why do you need to ask?
Mayhew: Court orders.
Nick: Gimme my horse I wanna leave
Nick: k bye
Mayhew: Congrats on drinking that loser.
“Cecilia”: Cowplant milk is pretty thrilling, eh?
Mayhew: Most people find it disgusting. Only hardened killers enjoy it.
“Cecilia”: I’m not hardened.
Nick: They’re gaining on us!
Yo listen up here’s a story about a little girl that lives in an orange world and all day and all night and everything she sees is just orange like her inside and outside.
“Cecilia”: That trash smells like shit!
“Cecilia”: With startling precision.
“Cecilia”: Let me sing you a song about not being a goddamn pig.
“Cecilia”: I’m putting this on my LiveJournal.
Yeah, cuz only women have LiveJournals.
Orange her house with an orange little cake and an orange Corvette and everything is orange for her and herself and everybody around ‘cuz she ain’t got nobody to listen to.
“Cecilia”: Are you done?
Oh thank god yes.
Nick: Blow like you mean it, woman!
Minimum safe distance: reached.
She’s preparing you for a life in prison.
Nick: ♪ WARDEN THREW A PARTY IN THE COUNTY JAIL ♪
And then Nick was Keanu Reeves.
Nick: I’m now unambiguously capable of speech!
And I am so relieved.
“Cecilia”: I’m withholding judgment for now.
Nick: I have vanquished this cake slice.
“Cecilia”: You’re going to be a wonderful, generous lover.
If you keep those glasses until you age up, they’ll stay.
So they’re not supposed to, and nobody else your age will be able to get them.
Nick: So you’re saying these hideous things will let me become a special snowflake.
Nick: Then let’s get started on that early.
Nick: BUY MY WATERED-DOWN CRAP I’M UNIQUE.
“Cecilia”: The world really didn’t need more Neilspawn, did it.
Considering what the others have done, this one is starting out small.
“Cecilia”: How much for a glass?
Nick: What are you willing to pay?
“Cecilia”: Room and board?
Nick: I don’t think you get how this works.
I like how one of the Generation One Founders has become a minor, unimportant supporting character for this one single household.
“Cecilia”: I do not like it.
Nick: Lemonade, mister?
Bradley: Hey… fuck you.
“Cecilia”: You can’t talk to my son like that!
Bradley: Anything that drops out of your smelly cooch is fair game!
“Cecilia”: My cooch is pristine.
Bradley: Well maybe my nose is plugged then.
Bradley: You’ve got a lot of nerve parading yourself around like you’re innocent, you murdering bitch!
“Cecilia”: Hey, I’ve… changed!
Bradley: Changed? I thought you were innocent, Cecilia? I thought that was the line the government was trying to feed us!
“Cecilia”: Right! Right! Innocent! Because I’m Cecilia. Right.
Bradley: Cecilia sure does act strange sometimes.
Nick: Hey lady, you’re lookin’ parched.
Lexie: Sure am! Mind if I drain you dry?
Nick: As long as that’s metaphorical! ‘cuz it’s not obvious that it isn’t.
I’m trying to twist her head off. I think it’s working.
Nick: You’re my first customer! I’d like to welcome you to use our facilities, if you should so desire.
Lexie: That’s a clever and safe thing to suggest!
Lexie: I don’t see how you could shortly come to regret it.
Nick: I’m gonna get my mom. Can you distract the monster lady? Maybe with your body?
Bradley: Sure, what have I got to lose.
Nick: Sorry, I thought our butler was going to take care of you. Hey, butler! Where you going?
Bradley: “My entire fucking life,” I said to myself. “I’ve got my entire fucking life to lose! So, no.”
Nick: He’s old and slow. I bet you can still catch him.
Nick: Wait! Wait! I’ve got an idea! Let’s talk!
Lexie: Why would I want to do that?
Nick: You wouldn’t, but you can’t refuse the interaction once I force it on you.
Nick: And you can’t eat a kid’s brains.
Lexie: No, but I can bust you in half.
Bradley: HEY BITCH! Come save your stupid kid!
“Cecilia”: He is not stupid.
Vyn Gilscarbo: I am! Hi everybody!
Vyn: No, it’s okay. They’re just talkin’ ’bout robots.
“Cecilia”: Keep her distracted, honey!
Nick: Robots keep everybody distracted.
“Cecilia”: Thank god, you have nothing in common with your father.
Bradley: Pretty sure this is my house.
Bradley: Pretty sure this is my cake.
“Cecilia”: Pretty sure I never wanted to do this again.
Bradley: What, do you want me to smoke it or something?
Bradley: Nice! Face level! Let me just smash myself right in there.
Bradley: Aw, don’t be a cake-tease.
Bradley: Boy, sugar is bad for your breath.
Bradley: …the fuck am I doing.
Nick: Thanks for not taking for fucking ever, mom.
“Cecilia”: I had half a moral crisis.
“Cecilia”: I’ll have the other half in just a moment.
“Cecilia”: But first, I need to protect my son.
Oh how I’ve missed that onomatopoeia.
Nick: I’ll go get some paper towels.
Nick: WE’RE OUT OF PAPER TOWELS
The Grim Reaper: OH, HEY, IT’S YOU. BACK IN THE GAME, ARE WE?
Nick: Would it be terribly offensive if I said I didn’t have the energy to stay up for this?
“Cecilia”: PLEASE DON’T TAKE HER I DON’T WANT TO BE A MURDERER AGAIN
The Grim Reaper: YOUR PLEA WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE IF YOU WEREN’T SMOTHERING HER FACE WITH YOUR DRESS. AND HEY, STOP WITH THE ALL-CAPS, THAT’S MY THING.
The Grim Reaper: ANYWAY, LOOK, SHE’S A ZOMBIE. PRETTY SURE NOBODY CARES.
Bradley: I care.
“Cecilia”: FUCK OFF BRADLEY
The Grim Reaper: LOOK, SINCE YOU APPARENTLY CARE FOR SOME REASON, FINE. STUPID MAGIC BALL GAME.
The Grim Reaper: STUPID MAGIC BALL GAME. TRY TO KEEP UP.
“Cecilia”: I don’t know what that means.
The Grim Reaper: HOPEFULLY IT COMES TO YOU EVENTUALLY.
“Cecilia”: I just don’t want to have killed this person?
The Grim Reaper: TO SHOW YOU HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE THIS PROBLEM YOU’RE HAVING, WE’LL LEAVE IT UP TO CHANCE. PICK A HAND.
“Cecilia”: This is pretty ghoulish.
The Grim Reaper: AGREED. PICK A HAND.
The Grim Reaper: DON’T PICK THAT ONE! MURDERER.
“Cecilia”: Great, how long is that going to be there for…
The rest of your life, probably.
Invisible, but still there.
The Grim Reaper: WHY DID YOU EVEN CARE?
“Cecilia”: People can get better from zombie stuff now. I over-reacted.
The Grim Reaper: NAW, NO WAY, YOU? THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
The Grim Reaper: …HEY, IS THAT LEMONADE?
Bradley: And she killed her, just like that! I couldn’t believe it! I’m so upset.
Bradley: This is a good reason for you to give me that cake now.
Lucas: Naw, man, lean into it!
Lucas: That’s the ticket.
“Cecilia”: CHRIST ARE YOU PEOPLE MADE OF JELLO OR SOMETHING
“Cecilia: Why does everyone keep dying?!
Why is the sky blue?
“Cecilia”: And why can we SEE the blue sky?
Because I don’t always pay good attention to what floor I’m on.
Also check out that uneven ceiling texture, while we’re at it.
“Cecilia”: Serves you right, you skanky old asshole.
“Cecilia”: This is the only ride I’m ever going to give you!
“Cecilia”: AND IT DOESN’T HAVE A HAPPY ENDING.
Lucas: Did Lucas Perez hear that cunts are being monged? Lucas Perez would like them monged to him.
“Cecilia”: Oh Lucas! You’re so much better as an occasional joke.
“Cecilia”: Have fun in there, Bradley. I think some of this used to be baby poop.
“Cecilia”: I NEED YOU
William: I’m assuming that wasn’t sexual.
“Cecilia”: I left it vague so you’d actually come.
William: I think I’m going to, yes.
William: Wow, you seem tenser than my wife was when she fucked a stranger in a parking lot.
“Cecilia”: That sounds like a story only slightly less interesting than the one I’m about to tell you.
William: Don’t tell me anything we both might regret.
“Cecilia”: I don’t even have room for more regrets right now.
William: Okay, but think of me!
That’s the wrong way.
William: I’m a secret agent. I need to wander into at least one off-limits area and make up some lie about looking for the bathroom when I get caught.
Lucas: The bathroom’s behind that door. Pull on the cake to start the tap.
William: That doesn’t sound like your normal speech pattern.
Lucas: “The bathroom is being behind that door. Be pulling on the cake to be starting the tap.”
William: Okay, good point, you made the right decision.
“Cecilia”: This might be the worst thing I ever tell someone. I hope he’s ready to hear it.
“Cecilia”: I’m in the bedroom!
William: I therefore am as well.
William: And HEYYYYY that’s a lovely display piece you’ve got there.
William: You got Cecilia’s axes! That’s a nice touch. Where were they?
“Cecilia”: Okay, let’s… let’s do this. Um… your dad?
William: Oh yeah? YOUR MOM!
“Cecilia”: No, let me finish. Your dad. I was there.
William: My dad’s not a place!
“Cecilia”: LET ME FUCKING FINISH
William: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
“Cecilia”: I was there when your dad got dumped.
“Cecilia”: By Laci Phelps.
William: Of course “you” were. “You” are “Cecilia Phelps.” You called me over to practice your alibi on me?
“Cecilia”: I’m trying to tell you who I really am, you stupid asshole.
“Cecilia”: Your mind is like an Etch-A-Sketch of a Pollock painting.
William: You’re assuming I want you to tell me who you are.
“Cecilia”: I would think you would, considering all the evidence that I might actually be your sister.
William: The Targaryens wed brothers and sisters for three hundred years to keep the bloodline pure.
“Cecilia”: Don’t quote that misogynist crap at me, it’s not at all romantic.
“Cecilia”: Some of the dialogue is cool, though.
William: Was it from some popular TV show? He made me say it.
William: Anyway look, you can keep your secrets or not, it’s up to you. Because I trust you. In fact, you know what? Here’s a secret from me to you.
William: I fucked a secret agent in my basement today.
“Cecilia”: You’re so like your father.
William: You don’t know the half of it! I fucked Chelsea Price on my kitchen floor a few years back.
William: She was engaged to my nemesis.
William: HE WAS IN THE BASEMENT.
William: THE SAME BASEMENT!
William: And as for that Laci shit… everyone knows stuff about her. For instance, hey, guess what?
William: LACI BURNED SOME TACOS ONCE
“Cecilia”: You have the hottest obnoxiousness ever.
William: Why did Laci look like Daisy’s mom in my speech balloon? That’s weird.
William: Oh, hey! Daisy! Yeah, I fucked her too.
William: While I was married to Melanie, even.
William: Mostly because Andrew fucked her and I wanted to ruin it for him.
William: Like that time I was engaged to his mom.
William: Or the time he had to disintegrate his dad at his own house.
William: Or when Cecilia got his brother’s brains eaten and then killed him with an axe.
William: Come to think of it, Andrew is probably going to kill me some day.
Nick: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST FOR KEEPING ME AWAKE
William: The kid’s got spirit! We could be related!
“Cecilia”: “Could” doesn’t quite cover it.
Ghost xylophone: most popular character in a month. I’m calling it.
William: So hey, huge new gothy bed.
“Cecilia”: This pink shit just isn’t doing it for me.
William: Good, so it was a conscious purchase. I was afraid your dark and brooding mood was leaking out into the real world, infecting it bit by bit.
“Cecilia”: Kiss me, you awful piece of shit.
William: We choose to go to the poon! We choose to go to the poon!
“Cecilia” In this decade, and do the other things!
“William”: Not because you are easy, but because I am hard!
Right, let’s sweep that failed reveal back under the bed…
William: I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to make JFK porn jokes with me.
“Cecilia”: I’m glad you didn’t make me admit anything I’d have to go to jail for.
William: Like I’m gonna haul you into the police station and be all like “Hey I’ve been making out with my sister and I think she’s actually evil.”
“Cecilia”: Yeah, your sister is evil, though. As in, she needs to die.
William: Thank you for identifying the overall story arc.
“Cecilia”: Have you seen that show about her? The one Daisy White is in?
William: I liked the first season best, when she was plotting to kill my dad’s third wife. MAN that woman was crazy!
“Cecilia”: I bet she was crazy in the sack too!
William: We’ll never know!
“Cecilia”: We might.
Nick: What are you guys doing? It sounds fun.
“Cecilia”: You’re not seriously gonna fall asleep on me.
William: My penis is nine inches long. Every time I ejaculate, half my brain cells die.
Nick: Never mind.
“Cecilia”: You’re quite the man, William. Your father would have been proud.
William: Pff, no he wouldn’t. Jealous maybe.
“Cecilia”: You should go play with Nick a bit. He could use a big brother.
William: This isn’t a hint, right? I’m not actually his big brother, am I?
“Cecilia”: …no. You’re not actually his big brother.
William: Whew! Good.
William: I’m glad I never learned how to read tone.
“Cecilia”: Nick is eight, William. He is not retarded.
William: That’s a bad word.
“Cecilia”: Oh, are you eight, too?
William: I’m not going to play with the son of someone who makes fun of the mentally ill.
“Cecilia”: I WASN’T MAKING FUN OF ANYONE THAT WORD HAS A SPECIFIC MEANING
William: Yeah, it means your vocabulary is stuck in the 1920s.
“Cecilia”: Eat me, asshole.
Nick: Now THAT is a bad word.
William: Hey kid. I’m William.
“Cecilia”: And I think eight year olds play with bears!
William: Are you Nick? Because I hear your mother is trying to change the subject from her appalling choice of language earlier.
“Cecilia”: It just means stunted god damn you
Nick: You’re William? You don’t look so great.
William: No, we were both wrong, he is retarded.
William: “Hey there little man! My buddy William is pretty awesome! He’s got a ton of money and a company named after his mom and his very own machinegun and nobody but nobody calls him names or hurts his feelings!”
William: “Not without going to the hospital they don’t, anyway.”
William: “Also he fucked your mom so much last night she needed to lube her vagina.“
William: Hey, that bear sounded pretty intelligent, did he say anything about me?
Nick: I don’t know, I’m fucking eight, I can’t talk to bears anymore.
They’re gonna be okay.
Amin: I live under a bridge.
Fuck you, get out of the shot.
William: This is how at least one of the Murphy kids died, I think.
William: Now let’s talk about how I’m apparently not that great.
William: I might have just killed your son.
“Cecilia”: Did he deserve it?
William: Look, I’m sorry, but this is my bowl of cereal.
William: Even if you throw up in it.
Mayhew: I’m assuming it’s William’s?
“Cecilia”: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mayhew: What are you, retarded or something?
Nick: So somebody just told me something that sounds really stupid and cannot possibly be true.
Nick: THIS IS BULLSHIT.
Nick: I hope they got bitches up in this joint.
William: So, I’m still married to Melanie.
“Cecilia”: Of course.
William: That isn’t… a problem or anything?
“Cecilia”: Why are we having this conversation? You have sex with other women all the time, don’t you? What’s special about us?
William: NOTHING OF COURSE
William: I’m sorry, please don’t tell anyone at work I did that, they’ll make me talk to H.R.
William: And I’m not allowed to shoot them for some reason.
William: I should start a coup.
William: Oh shit! You overheard me!
William: IT BEGINS TODAY
Okay, so that was my favourite chapter in ages.
Next time: uh, I don’t want to say.
Because you won’t show up to read it.
Because you’re bad friends.
And you should feel bad.