Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!
Yeah, I missed Wednesday.
So hump me.
Last time in the Clover County Chronicles, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard dyed her hair un-pink and went on an adulterous date with a time-traveller.
…so yeah. Anyway. Ever notice that some of my pics are shorter than others?
That’s because I’m cropping shit out of the top of the frame that would be distracting, like half a chandelier or the line of the ceiling.
And that is because my aspect ratio is widescreen but the game takes pics in fullscreen, so instead of cropping stuff off the sides it adds stuff at the top. I only noticed this once I started doing the Chronicles, and only figured out why it was happening a few days ago. Unfortunately it means that a ton of my pictures have shit in them I did not mean to capture.
But amusingly, the cropping is slowly pushing it back to widescreen.
…I find it amusing, anyway.
A neater result is that any pics I took using both the in-game camera and my printscreen utility are 100% compatible: their width encompasses precisely the same information! So if I have a pic in my printscreen files that looks better than the in-game one, but it shows Action Queue crap in an important spot, I can shrink the good pic down and use the bad pic to clear away the problem!
Naturally this will almost never actually happen. But I think it’s neat, nevertheless.
Melanie: Do they still kiss like this in the future?
Charles: No, but I’m into retro culture.
Charles: And also rock-hard asses.
Melanie: You should grope my husband, then.
Hostess: I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH, ZOMBIE QUEEN
Melanie: Yeah, cool. Wait until the time-traveller walks right through that glass door, because then you’ll at least have a reason.
Charles: This isn’t a force-field?
Melanie: We just want a place to sit.
Hostess: Oh. Sorry. I just assumed you were here to eat our brains.
Melanie: Contrary to popular opinion, zombies don’t go to restaurants for that?
Charles: Do they have dodo filets here?
Melanie: The dodo is extinct.
Charles: What, still?!
Melanie: I like our mutually-dishonest relationship.
Charles: The sex will be real, though.
Melanie: Another blunt crack like that and I’ll buy you a salad.
Charles: We did the mouth thing! That’s a prelude to the genital thing, isn’t it?!
Melanie: Girls like to be courted, Charles! At least that’s what all the flowery fucking poofball women I’ve met have asserted.
Esther: Oh, there must be some mistake. It’s Playable Night tonight.
Deborah: I’m a playable!
Esther: Pff, yeah right. I’m gonna need to see some I.D.
Charles: What year is this? Has Greenland become Yellowland yet? Was that before or after North Simerica was overtaken by Zerg creep?
Esther: Can I take your medication order?
Kelly: Stop talking to me! Every time I get noticed I think it’s because I’m gonna die!
Melanie: Silly woman. Everyone is gonna die.
Charles: They haven’t perfected immortality in your time yet?
Melanie: Oh, they pretty much have. Except around here.
Melanie: You could say we’ve perfected mortality in Clover County. But with good reason.
Kitty: I’m a playable!
Melanie: Really good reason.
Charles: At least the atmospheric lightning storms are the same.
Kitty: …wait. Alvin told me about this. I think… we’re about to be attacked by Romulans. From the future.
Melanie: That’s okay! I’m sure my time-travelling boyfriend knows at least three Federation starship captains he can call for help.
Charles: I used to, but then Janeway got promoted to Admiral.
Kelly: Who is that woman?!
Hostess: Playables only, ma’am.
Kelly: That’s a Sim rights issue, and I’m a lawyer.
Hostess: Sims don’t have rights, but I’m too bored to argue.
Charles: Hey, are your tits real? We do automatic implants from birth now, so I don’t know what they’d look like.
Charles: Shit! It wasn’t the Romulans, it was an Orion Slave Witch Girl!
Barenaked Ladies Guy: Hey! Who are you?!
Charles: So yeah, I’m really into post-postmodernism.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Who is that woman?!
Melanie: That’s funny, because-
Gina: WHO IS THAT WOMAN
Melanie: THIS IS NOT AN IMPROVEMENT
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Are you or are you not the mother of Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Sentence passed.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: There’s a fine, too.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Man, I’d hit that head into a wall again!
Let’s start a Neighbourhood Corruption Log.
1. The old Price Mansion and the third Murphy house attract vacation locals.
2. Townies smell carpets like they’re flowerbeds.
3. People offer to set up blind dates with Bigfoot Bigfoot.
4. Everyone thinks the gate at #3 Main Street West is a naked person.
5. Burglars walk around in their burglar uniforms.
6. The Unsavoury Charlatan has an attraction score.
Melanie: Hi mom.
Emmy: That’s a funny slang term.
Melanie: I guess it’s a good disguise.
Or you’re really unmemorable.
Gina: WHO IS THAT WOMAN WHO IS THAT WOMAN
Or… it’s a good disguise.
Um. That’s the backdoor, Melanie.
Melanie: Maybe I’m in a backdoor kind of mood.
Andrew: Turns out if you like it, you should see if you like its sister better before you put a ring on it.
Melanie: For a time traveller, he’s really slow.
Charles: Sorry, some dude made me blow him first.
YOU think of a more likely caption.
Andrew: Isn’t it Playable Night? How did you get in here?
Gina: I told them this was my Halloween costume.
Andrew: That is a very believable excuse.
Gina: Thank you!
Andrew: Hi. I think I dated your daughter once.
Emmy: Oh, so everything is your fault then.
Charles: You have an absolutely bangin’ bod, lady.
Melanie: They all talk like surfers in the future?
Charles: After the Bondi Beach Uprising, yeah.
Charles: Seriously though, you’re ripped.
Melanie: I had a very thorough exercise regimen once upon a time.
Melanie: My training partners came off significantly worse, though.
Charles: You’re so strong, but so voluptuous!
Melanie: Apparently excess brain matter promotes breast and buttock growth. Who knew?
Melanie: What’s in here? Your Pokédex?
Charles: YOU LEAVE DEXTER ALONE
Melanie: Cheating is awesome!
I’m glad you like the premise of this journal.
Melanie: Look, I’ve been married to this dude for a while…
Melanie: …and some of the magic isn’t there anymore…
Melanie: …and you can totally bang me but he might end up killing you.
Charles: Worth it.
Bigfoot: Wusses. We use grenades in the Space Pirate Corps.
Kelly: That’s a public safety issue.
Melanie: My husband is the head of a secret intelligence service.
Charles: How do you know?
Melanie: Everybody knows.
Charles: It’s so secret that it stays secret even when everybody knows?!
Melanie: I think the conversational portion of this date is just about finished.
Melanie: Come on, put me up against the wall before I change my mind.
Charles: We need consent from my space-pastor on Regula One first!
Melanie: Or I could eat your brains.
Charles: Man, fuck my space-pastor.
Melanie: He can get in line.
Charles: He can, but I’m taking my time with my turn.
Ally: Why am I wearing this?
Because the game is retarded.
I’d add it to the corruption log, but this particular piece of stupidity is universal.
Charles: Hey, careful. I had my positronic spine serviced just last Twednesday.
Charles: And I won’t have it paid off until Marchtember.
Melanie: This is the only way to shut him up.
Melanie: I ate some kids once.
Charles: I love tough chicks.
Charles: Like, literally.
Melanie: I guess that settles it, then. Prepare your body.
Charles: My body is prepared.
Melanie: People forget memes over the course of a thousand years. Good to know.
Are you really gonna cheat on William with this douchebag?
Melanie: Zoom out a bit and see.
Oh. I guess you are.
Charles: What do you think? I’ve got penis body mods based on the famous Captain Sparkles, which some government dork apparently had in his pants at some point.
Charles: That was before he rebelled against his owner and became the Overlord of Venus.
Melanie: It’s not cheating if it’s basically my husband’s dick, right?
Melanie: I wasn’t kidding about the wall, though, bucko. Let’s go.
Melanie: But first let me get a good look at this ridiculous thing.
Charles: You have photoreceptors in your mouth?
Melanie: I’m just teaching you the sexual customs of my time.
Melanie: We have a rich set of practices for extramarital parking lot sex.
Charles: It’s like you’re tickling my libido.
Yes, and kiss after that. Because it’s not so disgusting that even the WooHoo icons won’t look or anything.
Melanie: Careful, you’re bending your mohawk.
Charles: Nah, it’s all artificial fibre. Really I’m just cleaning off their siding.
Charles: Man, I’m glad Pierce set me up on this blind date.
Melanie: …Pierce? That dude I was talking to? That’s why you fell through the ceiling?
Charles: What, you thought I was somebody special just because I dress badly?
Charles: Hey! You still there? We still goin’?
Charles: Aw, c’mon. You didn’t really believe all that future shit, did you?
Melanie: Nah. And you didn’t really believe all that zombie stuff, right?
Melanie: Look, you’re not from around here, are you? It’s not like you know who I really am or anything.
Charles: Right, because when a woman eats an entire neighbourhood and then marries James Bond, that kind of story definitely stays local.
Charles: I really gotta hand it to Pierce. When he hooks a brother up, he hooks a brother up with a fuckin’ world-wide celebrity.
Charles: Hey, isn’t that the cheerleader you guys could never defeat? Do you have her number?
Melanie: Somehow over the course of our being nemeses we never got around to exchanging contact info, no.
Charles: Look, don’t be mad. I had to blow a dude to win the right to bang you.
Melanie: That’s worth at least one more go-around.
Noelle: Hi people I don’t know!
Melanie: Why did you let me hook up with this douchenozzle?
I thought that was your type!
Melanie: I guess you were right.
Charles: Call me!
Melanie: I don’t have your number.
Charles: And I don’t have a home. So just literally call my name out, really loud, and I’ll come over.
Melanie: That’s one adventure over and done with.
And a second one just barely avoided.
There, Melanie. I took you for your yearly walk.
Melanie: Hi probably a secret agent!
Edith: Damn! I’ve probably been discovered!
Melanie: This is the worst potted plant I’ve ever seen.
Melanie: And also my husband apparently fucked that woman in the basement?
The note even says “Thanks for fucking me in the basement!” Smooth move, Jane.
Made you look?
William: Look, I’m telling you, if we don’t get that purple bacteria epidemic under control, Greenland is gonna change its name to Yellowland! For some reason.
Melanie: IF I HADN’T FUCKED THAT STRANGER I’D BE REALLY MAD RIGHT NOW
Melanie: AND I REALLY WANNA BE REALLY MAD
Edith: I’m still here, you know.
Melanie: I thought we were starting a new life together!
Mayhew: Yeah, thought you crazy kids and your mass murdering genocidal rampages were forever.
Melanie: SPEAKING OF MASS-MURDERING GENOCIDAL RAMPAGES.
William: I’ve been ignoring the plain chick category all these years! I ought to see how many of my high-school friends are totally fuckable now.
William: Hey honey! You look pretty.
William: No matter what happens, I’ll never regret settling down with you.
Melanie: Well FUCK.
Melanie: Little advice?
Don’t ask me. I caused all of your problems.
William: Want a backrub?
Melanie: What’s the occasion?
William: You look really stiff, like you’ve been lying on concrete or something.
Melanie: You are a damn fine detective.
William: The World’s Greatest, ever since we arrested Batman.
William: So, where you been all this time?
Melanie: Just fucking around.
Melanie: Oh, by the way, that boring whore left you a love bouquet.
Melanie: So she’s apparently a boring, stupid whore.
William: Nothing happened between us, Mel. I just taught her some techniques for seducing enemy agents, is all. Pure theory.
William: I saved the practical demonstrations for you.
William: That means I wanna fuck you.
William: Well I thought it was romantic.
William: Hey look, it’s a time traveller.
Charles: Yes! And I have come to… share… my vast future knowledge. With you.
William: I think you missed the mark, dude. The eighties are definitely not in the future.
Mayhew: I’M STEALING YOUR MAGIC MILK MACHINE
William: So that just happened.
No, wow, something even more ridiculous did.
William: Oh, hey. She cheated on me.
Melanie: What did you say?
Mayhew: You’re taking this awfully well, William.
William: I have every fetish in the world, Mayhew. Adultery is one of them.
Melanie: “Wanted: hot female bodies. Will increase their hotness via friction. Vaginal friction. Baby.”
Melanie: “Married white penis seeks married pink cooter for casual encounter. Must bring own towel.”
Melanie: ARE ANY OF THESE PERSONALS NOT WILLIAM
Melanie: And didn’t we used to have a dishwasher?
METAPHOR FOR MASTURBATION
Melanie: He was talking to the same number all night?
I’m not sure phone sex is technically “talking.”
Dude, stop writing your own name on bullets!
Melanie: YOU LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE YOU HOMEWRECKER
Alvin: HOW DID YOU KNOW
Melanie: Why can’t he have been having phone sex instead of talking shop so I could justify my cheating retroactively?
I think you need to make a request with that level of complexity in writing.
Victor: I’m gonna shit on your shoes.
William: Practicing so you can pick up biker dudes?
William: Dude, classy burn.
Melanie: I WAS GONE ALL DAY AND YOU DIDN’T NOTICE
William: SO YOU’RE TALKING EXTRA LOUD TO COMPENSATE?
Melanie: You never pay me attention anymore like you used to!
William: Well when’s the last time you brutally mauled someone, huh?!
William: Married life isn’t about romance, Melanie. It’s about teaching the toddlers to walk and talk and shit so that they eventually grow into real people and this interminable second generation finally fucking ends!
Melanie: WELL MAYBE THERE’S A FEW STORYLINES LEFT IN THIS GENERATION
William: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Melanie: I DON’T KNOW YET
William: I HATE YOU
Melanie: I KNOW
William: You ate my parents!
Melanie: I know!
William: You’re my favourite person ever.
Melanie: I know.
William: Cross me and I’ll stomp you like a bug.
Melanie: That’s the man I married!
Melanie: Maybe I spent all night fucking some random dude! Maybe I damn near broke my knees by bouncing on his lap in an asphalt parking lot! What do you say to that?!
William: I’d say that sounds pretty hot.
Melanie: Oh god damn you, you sexy libertine.
William: He won’t. We’ve both quite thoroughly damned ourselves, watermelon-ass.
Melanie: Don’t call me watermelon-ass, eggplant-dick.
Melanie: Adversarial relationships are the best relationships.
William: Alright sugartits, let’s get to bed.
Melanie: Keep your hands off my sugartits, mister. I’m still pissed at you.
William: What are you gonna do, if you’re not gonna do me? Captain Sparkles is a terrible thing to waste.
Melanie: I do what I want.
William: I miss your old shirt.
William: I’m gonna dream about your old shirt.
William: …or am I?
William: Apparently I’m not.
William: I’m fantasizing about other people’s wives, Zombie Queen. What should I do?
Yeah, zombie queen, what should he do?
Melanie: He should go fuck himself instead.
William: I usually don’t have to.
William: Heh, this belonged to Sunny.
Back before Melanie got her zombified and you had to kill her.
William: Heh. Yeah.
William: Melanie is pretty awesome.
Next time: stuff.