The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 137

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

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You know, I was worried at one point I’d somehow stop doing this before I’d posted many entries after the name change.

I hate it when people make a big alteration to something and then the stupid thing doesn’t last long enough to justify it.

My new fear is that I won’t ever get to the part of the story that’s actually good.

It’s a much more reasonable fear.

William: So, are you raising an army of zombie insects, or are you just too lazy to wash your own dishes?

Melanie: Oh, those aren’t your minions? I just assumed, what with you being the Lord of the Flies and all.

Melanie: Since you only do laundry once a month.
Victor: .oO(I gotta let Neila in on this action.)

William: Sorry kid, fight’s cancelled.

Mayhew looks like he’s taking notes on which one can run and which one can’t.

Mayhew: It’s funny how looks can sometimes not be deceiving.

Melanie: Bottle time, kids!
Victor: .oO(Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard touched these! They’ll be worth a fortune!)

Neila: .oO(Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard touched me! I can sell my organs on the internet now!)

Melanie: Stop thinking about how I ate half the neighbourhood. I’m asking you this as your mother. And also as someone who ate half the neighbourhood.

William: Are we ever going to get past that?


William: Wow, really? That’s a relief!

Only because you don’t know how it happens.

Mayhew: It’s because of my secret evil plan, isn’t it?


Mayhew: Right, right, let’s not blow the secret yet. Good plan. Very evil.

Melanie: I can’t bear to have my kids think of me as a monster.
Neila: Bear!


Mayhew: I’m assuming you yelled that for your wife to hear.
William: No, I was just trying out the speakerphone.

William: This woman really is unattractive.

Jane: I can’t help it if my armpits always itch.

Mayhew: Oh, are you training one of your secret agents today? I’d love to meet her!
William: SCIA business is top-secret.

Mayhew: I can see you’re new at this. When you want a bribe, you should just name a price.

William: How about I toss you off a bridge in a burlap bag?
Melanie: I’m so glad I taught our daughter how to understand this.

William: Look, Mayhew. I take my responsibilities very seriously, and I don’t want you interfering with my totally innocent training exercise today.
Mayhew: Is that why your crotch is bulging? Because of your totally innocent training exercise?
William: No, it’s bulging because my penis is engorged. He takes his responsibilities very seriously too.

William: Wow, Jane got a tan!

Kenya: Hello Mr. Sharpe! I want to help you fight crime and injustice in the name of universal equity!

William: Ugly women aren’t good enough to fight for universal equity.

William: I’m over here! Hey! You’re making this kiss very awkward.
Jane: Right, because I’m the one trying to kiss a stranger.

Jane: How about we just pretend to kiss imaginary partners who don’t have unequal power relationships?

William: You leave me no choice but to step up my game.

William: Anyway, good morning! What the fuck are you wearing.
Jane: How did you get your face right into my face like that?
William: The more baffling phenomena needs to be explained first.

Jane: This is my stealth suit!
William: Where is it stealthy? Star Trek conventions?

Jane: Teehee! You’re so charming!
William: It only seems that way to you because you’re so boring that the guys call you “Plain Jane” behind your back and never talk to you and you therefore have no valid points of comparison.

Jane: …they call me what.

Jane: This meeting just got a whole lot more professional.
William: Is that why you whipped your clothes off on the sidewalk?

Jane: I had to put my serious business suit on.

The basement staircase apparently got a lot out of it.

Kenya: Hey, are you a secret agent? Want to help me fight crime?!
Jane: Only if it’s secret crime.

William: Sex! Come down here please!

William: Shit! I mean, Jane! Come down here and have sex with me, please!

Jane: That was almost an embarassing faux pas!

Mayhew: I have prepared this meal for you.

William: This would make an awesome underground zen garden.

How does one find enlightenment in a basement?

William: Halogen lights?

Jane: Ooh, are we going to learn how to grill subjects today?
William: No, today’s lesson is about a slightly more subtle form of persuasion.

William: I’m going to teach you how to fake attractiveness with makeup.

Jane: I have my doubts about this.

We all do.

Jane: I’ve read the SCIA manual, and there’s nothing in there that says secret agents need to be sexy.
William: They assume you at least know the basics.

I wish they’d do this in movies with shaving scenes.

Jane: I have a sudden urge to shush people.

Jane: Did you turn me into a librarian?
William: It’s every boy’s first sex fantasy!

Jane: Fantastic! I can manipulate the fuck out of some teenagers now.

I was going to say something snarky about this, and then I noticed I had a twist tie in my mouth.

Jane: Thanks for sharing?

I thought the idea here was to make her less plain, William.

William: I chose to accentuate it instead.

William: I’ll still stick it in you, though, don’t get me wrong.

Jane: I’m not getting you at all, thanks.

Jane: You should be ashamed of yourself! You’re my superior, I’m an agent on the job, and you already went through three secretaries at work this month.

William: None of them minded having sex with me!

William: I’m responsible for other people’s problems now?

William: I’m very worried about you right now, Jane. You’re in danger of failing this course.

Jane: What course.
William: I’m teaching you how to romance a mark! For your secret agent training! Or something.

Jane: Do I have to match that silly walk?
William: Just drink it all in and develop your own.

William: Once you saunter up to a girl… I mean, a guy…
Jane: Or a girl!
William: You’re not interesting enough to be a lesbian. Anyway, once you saunter up to a guy, be all like “hey baby, clever pickup line” and they’ll be all like “ooh, yes take me.”

Jane: Am I roleplaying the seductress or the seduced?
William: Whatever, the results will be similar.

William: Okay, so I’m a hot girl walking up to you.
Jane: A hot guy.
William: Aw, you noticed? Thanks!

Jane: No, I mean, if I’m supposed to seduce you or whatever, you should be roleplaying a guy.

William: Hey, you started the lesbian fantasies.

Jane: This isn’t really training, is it?
William: Well.
Jane: Well?
William: Well, it’s training for me. Like, weight training. Only for sex.

Jane: It’s like you’re so horrible that it comes back around to awesome.

Yeah, that sums up the traditional gender responses.

William: Alright, I won’t lie. I’m trying to get that power suit off you.
Jane: There are literally no words that will accomplish that.

William: How about fingers?


William: It’s my genes, ma’am. They know how awesome they are, and they’re trying to propogate themselves as much as possible in an act of universal charity.

William: Okay, okay. You’ve got the perp in handcuffs. What happens next?
Jane: I consult my interrogation manual!

William: Only if by “consult” you mean “hit him a bunch of times with.”

Jane: We’re allowed to torture prisoners?
William: We’re licensed to kill. I think that covers all the previous tiers too.

Jane: Being society’s neccessary evil is awesome.

William: Oh, we’re not neccessary. But they don’t need to know that.

Jane: Don’t you ever worry that we have too much power?
William: That sounds like an other people problem.

William: See? I’m abusing my power right now, and my conscience is pristine.

Jane: You are the best at being the worst.

Jane: I thought you were going to try to undress me before the groping started.
William: Ass groping is better when you’re fully clothed. There’s a really flattering hardening effect that gravity is going to completely ruin when you’re naked.

Melanie: It’s true. These pants have fuckin’ whalebone in them.

Jane: …you know what, fine. Fuck it.

William: Consider it fucked!

Jane: Promise me you won’t tell the other agents.
William: What, and let them know how easy you are? Do I look like I want competition?!

Jane: Statements like that make you your own competition.

Jane: And both of you is winning!

William: The best thing about plain girls is they try extra hard and brush their teeth and stuff.

William: I can practically taste the Colgate whitening formula.

Jane: You’re right, that thing is rock solid.
William: Oh, well, actually, it really is. I had the tailor put some padding in, even, so I don’t accidentally cut diamonds with my ass if I sit on them.

Meanwhile, Kenya is a crane game.

Jane: Do I get to be a main character if I do this?

If anything, it makes you blend into the crowd more.

Jane: Are we gonna do the dirty down here?
William: You know of a dirtier place?

Jane: Good… point…!

Jane:such a good point!

Jane: No matter how hard I stretch, it won’t fall out!
William: You’d have to be able to levitiate, honey.

Kenya: Ohmygosh, he looks just like you guys!
Melanie: Yeah, we waited too late for gene therapy.

Jane: This is the best remake of My Fair Lady EVER!

Melanie: Hey, have you seen William?
Mayhew: No, but I’ve heard signs of his presence.

William: It’s okay, lots of girls scream that loud during their first orgasm.

Jane: You’re… um… down there again.
William: My spine won’t bend enough to kiss you without being “down there again.”

Jane: Yeah, sorry. I guess “this nine-inch penis keeps starting to fuck me” is a real first-world problem.

William: Kinda like “I’m five inches deep in the plainest of my nineteen girlfriends,” huh?

Jane: That’s more of an asshole problem really.

Jane: Holy shit. I had that thing inside me?
William: Whoah! It kind of surprises me every time, too.

William: Really? The space suit again?
Jane: Well, I’m taking off.

Jane: Yeah, fine, terrible joke, I know.

William: So that’s how you be a secret agent!
Jane: Take advantage of people?
William: You were paying attention!

William: I should introduce you to my wife.
Jane: I hope that’s code for something.

William: Hey Mel! Come here for a second!
Jane: Ooh, my One True Pairing! I need to work this affair into my fanfic somehow.


Jane: This neighbourhood is corrupt as fuck.
William: Its files are pretty bad too.

Jane: I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Jane Monif!
Melanie: And you just fucked my husband.
Jane: What?! No!
Melanie: Shit, really? That’s pretty impressive then!

William: We need to get you a job, Mel. The cushions are shaped like you.

Melanie practices her Vogue nude photoshoot poses.

Jane: Do you think she knows?
William: With Melanie it’s always best to assume she does, and keep a healthy protective layer of hair and bone around your brain.

William: What if our kids turn out like… us?
Jane: Don’t go there, William.

William: You’re right, introspection is for pussies.

Melanie: Why are you still a thing?

Ooh, judging the entries?

William: This is the only one.


William: I might still refuse it, though. Just for fun.

William: I think it’s a good symbol for Sharpe Oil, though. It definitely represents me properly.

With the whole phallic thing.

William: I was thinking the pasty white with a red tip, but yeah, on a simpler level, that too.

William: Alright, deal! Jerome Newcastle wins the contest.

William: But I’m totally gonna FIST his wife, though.

To assert your power and prestige?

William: Nah, I’ve just always wanted to FIST someone and she seems bitchy enough to go for it.

Melanie: Seriously though, what is the point of you?

William: Man, I need to bang more boring chicks. They try so hard!

Melanie: Let’s drop the pretense that is you.
Kenya: You want me to leave?
Melanie: I want you to not have been here.

William: No, Jane. Secret agents should not have breast implants. It makes people wonder what else you’re faking.
Kenya: I wish my life was weird and interesting.



William: You should get married as soon as possible, Jane. That way you can have a happy and stable home life like I have with my life partner who I’d never cheat on, Melanie!
Melanie: Oh, William!
William: Who is totally not standing beside me, causing me to say these things.

Mayhew: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is now an imbecile. Good to know.
Melanie: It’s not my fault, he brought me back to life that way.

Melanie: And anyway, at least I’m not some Maxis-skinned greaseball.
Mayhew: Don’t bring race into this.

William: So yeah, don’t bother. Your tits are never gonna compare with my wife’s.
Melanie: Alright, that’s enough.
Mayhew: No, pretty sure he means that one. Because yowza.

Not at all a terrible idea! Well done.

Brandi II: Remember me for later.

Much later.

Brandi II: I’ll remind them again.


Apparently the butler giving a bottle to her son drove Melanie insane.

Melanie: No, I’m just expressing how gross he is while complaining that he’s in the way of my jump roping because I couldn’t get out of the chair while he was standing there a minute ago!

See? Insane.


Neila: I’M REAL

William: Can I call you back? My wife’s gone whacko.

William: And I think she’s about to obliterate our kitchen.

Mayhew: You don’t need to see this, honey.

Melanie: Fine, I’m going out.
William: Remember to note any hot women you meet! I need more of them. To hire. For the SCIA. Specifically not for my own purposes.

Corey: Good afternoon, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!


Corey: You know a better place to store corpses?
Mayhew: We should talk.

What are we doing here?

Melanie: Making a change.

Melanie: Making all of the changes.

Opal: Can you make a fucking decision already? I need my chocolate fix!
Daisy: Yeah! And I want you to see my face before I murder you.

Amaya: Is that Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard?
Brady: Why does everyone call her that still?
Amaya: Because it’s such an old running joke that we don’t remember why we’re doing it so we don’t know when we’re allowed to stop.

Aurora: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is behind you.
Pierce: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard can wait her fucking turn.

Melanie: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard could kill you where you stand.

Melanie: But she’s really tired and would rather not.

Daisy: I’ll kill her after this round of Olympic Maybe Pop Buying.

Brady: Why do you want new clothes, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard? You’re already in your Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard outfit! It’s iconic!

Brady: People would hardly recognize you without your tight wife beater, wide-hipped cargo jeans and pink hair!
Melanie: You really think so?

Melanie: Good.

Melanie: Just call me Suburban Professional Melanie Sharpe.

Melanie: The “Sharpe” part is mostly for its intimidation value.

I think “Lillard” was doing that already.

Aurora: Who the fuck is that and why does she scare me so?!

I thought it was a pop-buying game.

Daisy: I LOST

Other Kenya: Ding ding ding! Dyke alert!

So you’re trying to distance yourself from that whole “got half the state killed” period?

Melanie: It’s just not satisfying me the way it used to.

Pierce: Hang on a second, Kenya. There’s a playable here.
Kenya: I totally understand.

Melanie: Hi! I’m… Mel.
Pierce: Good lesbian name!

Melanie: Mmm! You’re so bland! My husband would flip if I cheated on him with you!
Pierce: Is that a thing I want?

Melanie: You tell me, sugar. Am I a thing you want?

Pierce: NO

Pierce: Maybe if you had jeans on, and maybe a dude shirt?

Pierce: And less terrifying eyes.

Pierce: And maybe pink-
Melanie: -hair, YES, I GET IT, OKAY

Charles Shahan: OH NO I CAN’T FLY


Charles: Protip: take the planet’s rotation into account when time travelling.

Pierce: This looks too interesting for me to be a part of it. Later!

Charles: MAN! Gravity is a bitch in your time period! You guys seriously need to start a planetary demassification program!

Melanie: I’ve always wanted to date a time traveller.
Charles: Really?
Melanie: No, but I’m horny so I’ll play along with your schtick.

Charles: My schtick is entirely willing to be played along with.

Charles: In my time, close physical contact is a sign of respect and admiration.
Melanie: My husband would be known worldwide for his graciousness, then.

Melanie: Do they mind adultery in your time?
Charles: Only certain very important citizens are licensed to perform it.

Charles: Luckily I’m the President of Uranus, so.

Charles: My name is Charles Xyzweilox Shahan. What’s yours?
Melanie: Um… Mel.
Charles: Nice to meet you, Ummel. Hey, that sounds Rigellian! I knew a dude possesed by a spaceborne Jack the Ripper monster from there once.

Melanie: What brings you to our time, Charles? Here for the pop buying Olympics?

Melanie: My legs have dress texture on them.

Charles: Actually I’m on a mission to stop people from stuffing hamburgers with cheese. It causes the Great Burning of 3302.

Penny: You just need to let them cool down a bit first. Everyone knows that.

Charles: We have forgotten many things in my time.
Melanie: Like how to keep a girl’s attention.

Charles: No, we know that one. Mutual stimulation of the muscular hydrostats.

Aurora: Did you see that new chick go by?!
Nerissa: Yeah! I think I fucked her husband once.
Kenya: You and half the neighbourhood.

Melanie: I knew this wouldn’t work out.

Were you really gonna cheat on William?

Melanie: He cheats on me all the time, I bet.

Yeah, but he’s not a reformed war criminal, and you’re not the head of a super-secret intelligence agency!

Melanie: If they’re so super-secret, how would you know?


Chapter 161.

Daisy: Well okay then.

Charles: Hey, a fellow time-traveller!

Daisy: Come here and give me a gay opinion on some clothes, apparently mine are terrible.

Melanie: What are you doing.
Charles: You’re my only contact in this era! I need your help!
Melanie: How long are you gonna keep this charade up?
Charles: At least until it gets me fed or laid.

Melanie: I’m not hungry.

Charles: And yet here we are at a restaurant.
Melanie: How can you recognize it as a restaurant?
Charles: Because people eating food look the same in the future, smartass.

Melanie: It’s been so long since somebody told me off! That’s super hot.

Melanie: Everyone acts like I’ll eat their brains just because I ate half of everyone’s brains that one time.

Melanie: But you don’t know that so I shouldn’t talk about it.
Charles: How is what you’re saying about me being hot?

Melanie: Meeting a guy who doesn’t know who I am is the hottest thing that’s happened in years.

Charles: Finally my unique skills pay off.

Melanie: So yeah, nobody ever comes to this restaurant.
Charles: We’re here because you’re avoiding someone?
Melanie: My husband has a machinegun.

Melanie: And he’s got a bunch of lesbian secret agents spying on people for him.
Charles: What makes you think they’re lesbians?
Melanie: One of them apparently didn’t have sex with him today.
Jay: Who is that woman?!

Melanie: Long story short, I did some bad things and my husband stopped me and now we’re married because that’s how super-powered courtships work.

Charles: If you’re gonna make shit up, at least pick something probable like time travel.

Melanie: It’s so refreshing talking to someone who doesn’t know what peril they’re in.

Melanie: I need a break from reality.
Charles: So you want to pretend that you’re not some kind of Hitler, and I’m not a time traveller?
Melanie: No, that second one is okay, because it’s totally bullshit.

Melanie: Let’s bullshit together.
Charles: How poetic!

Next time: more terrible ideas.

It’s what we do here.

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