The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 136

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Another week successfully done.

At least my journal is in order, as my mind unravels.

Ouch, the hard reset got you guys good.

Stephen: We phased through solid ground into the basement.
Ally: I can’t feel my toes.
Ember: My bones are cold.

Naturally the kids didn’t notice anything.

Then again, they must be pretty shell-shocked by now.

Ember: I’m gonna be late for work!
Gerald: I bet you can make it, you’ve been running through my mind all morning!

Ember: Shut the fuck up.

Stephen: Good, she’s gone.

I thought you were swingers. She doesn’t care if you call over a “friend.”

Stephen: I know, but it feels better if it feels illicit. She turns her back so I can do stuff behind it.

Stephen: Hey, Mrs. Newcastle? Okay, Spring-Newcastle. I’m Stephen Murphy. We met at the convenience store the other day? You’re fucking my son? I was wondering if the chemistry is genetic.

Jerry: I can’t get out of the basement, the stairs are too steep.
Stephen: I’m glad we built them correctly.

Stephen: The smell of ruined marriages is wafting on the wind.

Penny: What a scandalous sculpture!

Penny: And how scandalously sculpted you are!

Stephen: My wife is out of the house.
Penny: My husband has a small penis.
Stephen: This is the hottest conspiracy ever.

Stephen: You’re hot.

Oh no! The naked gate is using its magic powers for evil!

That’s the only way I know how to explain what just happened.

Stephen: Boy, I don’t know how we got ourselves out of that predicament!

And neither do I, so nobody ever will.

Stephen: You smell like soap.
Penny: It’s either that or explain to Jerome why I smell like Murphy.

Penny: I do a lot of Murphy.

Stephen: Man, I feel old right now.
Penny: You look like you’re about the same age as me.
Stephen: I think I’m a few days younger. And about twenty years older. You’re the second generation’s version of ME.
Penny: I’m way classier, though.

Stephen: That’s no great feat, but I agree.

Penny: We’re so exposed here! What if someone sees us?
Stephen: Surely our tinted sunglasses are disguise enough!

Penny: Yeah, no.

Stephen: We could tell them we’re rehearsing for an erotic art play?

Those fucking balloon dresses need to go.

Stephen: You’re too uptight. You need to relax.
Penny: That’s my house right over there. My husband is inside it.
Stephen: And since his lot isn’t loaded, he can’t see shit.

Stephen: Trust me baby, I’m a pro at hiding affairs from people.

Penny: You’re looking at the world grand champion, pal.

Stephen: So what are you worried about? Your husband is such an idiot he’d believe any excuse over the actual truth.
Penny: It’s not nice to pick on stupid people.
Stephen: Isn’t that all you cops do?

Penny: Yeah, pretty much.

Stephen: Then let’s hurry up and be assholes already.

Penny: Is someone watching your children? They seemed really stupid and vulnerable.

Stephen: Nah, they’re fine.

Stephen: You know, I’m an amateur photographer. I’d really love to get a picture of that professionally-hot ass.

Penny: You’ll have to pay my service charge first. That’s how we stay on-budget.

Penny: Cops know all about fine quotas.

Stephen: So if I make out with you, you’ll let me take a picture?
Penny: Don’t be ridiculous! When the cops get you, they fuck you.

Ally: You’re not my boss, kid, so stop making work for me.

Stephen: I think we understand each other.
Penny: And yet somehow we don’t despise each other.

Stephen: That’s what our families are for.

Stephen: So yeah, this picture. It’ll be a nude.

Penny: Like fuck it will.

Did that power suit make you forget that you’re useless?

Ember: At least the smoke can escape through the stairs to the sky!

Oh, yeah. Oops.

I’m useless too.

Stephen: Look, if it’ll make you more comfortable, I’ll strip down too.
Penny: You were just looking for a reason, weren’t you?

Penny: OH MY GOD
Stephen: Pretty nice, huh?
Stephen: What?

Penny: So technically this is still only cheating once!
Stephen: That’s completely irrational.
Penny: It’s more of an irrationalization.

Penny: And don’t complain, because it got the job done.

Stephen: Put this one on Photobucket and see if it gets deleted.

You’re on.

Writing a diary?

Gerald: No, I’m scalpeling random pages out of this book. It’ll drive them nuts.

Stephen: Cool. Now try a pose that doesn’t make your leg do that.

Ally: How can you stand to have your husband screw around on you? Even though you screw around on him too? Which is also bad?

Ember: I don’t think of it as “screwing around.” I think of it as working.

The man does do good work.

Penny: And screwing around is a cardinal sin.


Stephen: Alright, it’s penetration time.
Penny: No way, it’s not dark out yet. Penetration time is around seven o’clock in this time zone.

Penny: Unless you’re talking about tongue penetration.

Stephen: Bam! Right on the dot.

Penny: Hey, you’re getting a free bar polishing out of my chin, too!

Stephen: It stops being fun when it starts being commercial.

Penny: You’re almost as charming as your son, Stephen.
Stephen: Which one?
Penny: The living one.

Stephen: That was cold.
Penny: Says the guy who just banged his son’s mistress.

Penny: Man, I’m a double mistress now! That’s so me.

Penny: If I get any hotter I won’t be able to resist myself.

Haven’t filled your fill yet?

Stephen: You know what they say about vaginas!

“Bet you can’t eat just one”?

Stephen: I was gonna go with “vaginas are pretty much the best” but yours is better.

Stephen:Hey Chelsea! Were you watching through the window? You want some of this?

Andrew: Who is this?
Chelsea: I’ll be over in a sec, Stephen.

Stephen: You shouldn’t answer the phone when you’re making out, Chelsea.

If I divided my time more equally between you all, I’d understand how things like this happen.

Gerald: Awesome, you’re ready! The party’s at ten.

What kind of party?

Gerald: Masquerade. We’re going as “the evolution of clothing.”

I wonder which of you is the beginning and which is the end.

I like how you guys keep leaving proof of your infidelity just lying around outside.

Penny: I don’t see it ever becoming a problem.

Ally: This really isn’t our chapter, Ember. We should just go to bed.
Gerald: Or we could all go to bed together, and make it our chapter.

Chelsea: Cheek kissing?
Stephen: Don’t want no Andrew cooties.

Chelsea: Wow, put some clothes on! Do you want people to think you’re some kind of gate?

Stephen: Thanks for participating in the running joke, Chelsea.

Stephen: You scratch our backs, I’ll tickle yours.

Stephen: A lesbian once committed suicide over me.

Chelsea: What a testimonial!

Stephen: Alright, you untie the bottom. I’ve got the top.

Wren: First step!

First base. Get it right.

Chelsea: …I think I’m carrying your grandson.
Stephen: Whole new heights of perversion! I can’t wait.

Chelsea: I think I just threw up out of my mouth a little.

Stephen: That’s okay, I’m eating your hair.

Chelsea: Yours is poking straight through my skull.

The perils of custom content.

Chelsea: Am I still attractive even though I’m brown and homely now?
Stephen: Vaginas don’t care what dye you use.

Chelsea: You’re not much of an aesthete, for an artist.
Stephen: I’m in a Dada phase.

Chelsea: Obscure art in-jokes deserve kisses.

Xavier: Second step!

Stephen: I’m practicing my photography. Would you model for me?
Chelsea: Of course! I picked this outfit out myself!
Stephen: You can leave it on the sidewalk, nobody comes past here at night.

Stephen: Holy moly! I’m almost speechless!
Chelsea: You’d have to be, to get stuck with holy moly.

Stephen: Come on, again with the weird leg thing?

Chelsea: Shouldn’t you be pointing the camera at me?
Stephen: What? No! Then it would be in the shot! Don’t you know anything about cameras?!

Stephen: Thanks Chelsea, you did great.
Chelsea: When do I get my royalties?
Stephen: You’re getting them right now, can’t you feel it?

Good, more documentary evidence. I wouldn’t want all this adultery to go unpunished.

Wren: I bet they make it to third step.

Wren: But it’s probably pay-per-view.

Chelsea: I’d pay.

Chelsea: I have to go home and throw up a bunch.
Stephen: Because you’re pregnant?
Chelsea: Because your mouth tastes like Andrew’s mouth, but older.

Stephen: At least she kissed our clothes back on first.

Stephen: That woman kisses like she’s stress-testing the human tongue.

Wren: No third step?

Stephen: It’s base. Don’t fill your brother’s head with nonsense.

Wren: You’re my brother?! I thought you were my imaginary friend!

Xavier: You can keep imagining that if you want.

Stephen: Those burnt pork chops remind me of Chelsea.

I don’t want to-

Stephen: And the way she smells.

Do NOT finish-

Stephen: Some body parts weren’t meant to take so much wear and tear.


Stephen: If I teach you to walk, will you stop stalking me?

Wren: No, but I’ll get a lot more efficient!

Wren: I need some space, Xavier.
Xavier: We used to be inseparable!
Wren: That’s back when I thought I made you up.

Wren: You’re way too gross to be real.


Meanwhile, Jerry.

Jerry: .oO(Yup.)

Wren: Now, teach me to control the hearts of men.

Stephen: I’ll let your mother take care of that.
Wren: I said hearts, not icky bits!

Wren: Hold him there! I wanna kick him in the giblets.

Stephen: Come on, boy! Tense up that scrotum! Take it like a man!

Stephen: That’s cool, men run away a bunch too.


Gerald: That was SUCH a refreshing twenty minutes, Jerry, thank you.

Gerald: I thought I told you to stop perspiring.

Ember: I’m ready for my half of the chapter!

About that.

Next time: secret… agent sex! Secret… agent sex!


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