The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 135

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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I have to pee.

We’re friends, so I can tell you these things.


Cameron: What the fuck?

Hard reload. You’ve all been yanked out of school and work.

Cameron: Well, set it back to eight so the bus and carpool will come.

That would be cheating.

Cameron: This entire story is about cheating!

Just drive them yourself, Jacques.

In this new car I bought you for some reason.

LOOK OUT AMIN THE PORCH FLOOR DISAPPEARED

Cameron: I’ll do anything once for a new car.

Well, I’ll give you another one if you back up suddenly right now.

Angelica: Good thing mom loves us.
Nathaniel: It’s one of her more useful flaws.

Whatever you saw, I don’t care.

You know what, I’m gonna set it back to eight after all, since your motives have all been reset.

Cameron: Are you loosening up about using cheats?

I need to. Your kids are so ugly, they’ll require cosmetic surgery if I’m gonna keep looking at them.

Andrew: Let’s start with the basics. Bears don’t wear overalls! If you see a bear wearing overalls, run like hell.

Andrew: Okay. Now. If you see your brother or your sister drinking from a bottle, you tell mommy or daddy right away so we can stop them from doing the things we used to do when we were their age.
Emerson: Bottle.
Andrew: Right.

Andrew: If you see them drinking from a bottle and mommy and daddy aren’t around, feed them to a bear.
Emerson: Bear.
Andrew: Right! But not if it’s wearing overalls, those fuckers will kill us all.

Amin! Don’t drag shit I don’t care about into the house!

I AGREE.

Gerald: Bad house! You are a bad, bad house!
Kaylynn Bendett: Hello, crazy man!

Andrew: COME CLOG UP MY LAWN MORE OKAY

No! We’ve taken care of this already!

Blazej: MWAHAHAHAHA

Cameron: DON’T MAKE ME UNWEDGE THIS SHIT FROM BEHIND THE WHEEL

Chelsea: Hm. I haven’t had a bus driver yet…

Cameron: Okay, fuck it! Get on the bus and he’ll let me leave for work.
Angelica: Or, we could stall.
Nathaniel: And stay home entirely.
Angelica: And gossip about stupid shit.

Angelica: I saw grandpa going home with a whore the other day.
Nathaniel: I think that’s our new grandma.
Angelica: That’s why she looks like a whore!

Angelica: We’re staying home from school today. I want to have a really big, leisurely poo.

Nathaniel: I’m going to go play with myself or something.
Chelsea: Attaboy! Start young.

Andrew: We need more air fresheners.

Chelsea: Let me cleanse your palate for you.

Andrew: I’m out of oxygen, the cycling is complete.

Chelsea: It was really nice of you to stick around the other day, when my daughter was kidnapped, and comfort me. Sexually.
Andrew: Yeah, well, I’m always happy to help. In that manner.

Chelsea: Thanks for inviting me to move in with you!

Andrew: What?

Andrew: Yeah, fine.

Chelsea: “Yeah, fine”?!
Andrew: Don’t push it, landlords have legislative protection from verbal abuse.

Emerson: THERE ARE NO WORDS

New car!

…where the old car is supposed to go.

Did I just delete Cameron?

Cameron: No, you just jump-bugged me back home from work.
Nathaniel: Yeah, and thanks for that, eh.

Nathaniel: I was having fun playing with my King of Queens playset.

Andrew: You gonna stand like that all day?
Chelsea: I’m still a bit angry that my baby was stolen, you know?

Andrew: We could make a new one?

I built an addition on the back for Chelsea. It’s like a bachelorette pad.

You will never again understand the layout of this house. Assuming you ever understood it before.

But here’s a hint: new shit goes there.

Chelsea: Carry me over the threshold?
Andrew: No can do, honey.

Andrew: I’m not rated for passengers.

Andrew: And my teleportation license is only valid in SimJapan.

Chelsea: Why must you use your powers for evil?
Andrew: Because it’s harder to think up ways to use them for good.

Amin: So, whose job should I one-up today?

Angelica: BUT THEN WHERE DOES HEAT

Andrew: I have home access to two vaginas now!

Amin: If I see even one speck of syrup on that table, I’m throwing you both under the bus tomorrow morning. Literally.

Angelica: No, see, mathematically, this muffin is perfect.

Funny how draining can be so fulfilling.

Cameron: And yet still so draining.

Chelsea: I just realized how dull you are.

Angelica: HELP GIANT CAT ATTACK

Angelica: Are you a nice kitty?
Muse: .oO(By cat standards, or moral standards?)

Muse: .oO(Either way, not so much.)

Nathaniel: SHE’S BEHIND MY CHAIR AND MY LIFE IS RUINED

Nathaniel: I’m gonna piss myself and die.

Angelica: Well, go ahead then.

Chelsea: No. No. No. I need a nap.

Muse: .oO(Jesus Christ, what have they been feeding you?!)

Nathaniel: I bet that’s what the Holocaust was like.

Cameron: For at least one side, it was more like this.

The bad side.

Cameron: Yes, the bad side, obviously. You’re ruining the joke!

And making it clear that I’m not a Nazi.

Cameron: Still not sure it’s worth it.

Andrew: Wow! So this is what skin feels like when it’s not covered in ocean slime!

Chelsea: You can’t fool me. I know you’ve been dripping your rod in more waters than Cameron’s.
Andrew: I have no idea what that metaphor refers to!

Andrew: And suddenly I’m leaving, too.

Andrew: For no specific reason.

Chelsea: Who’s gonna vacuum all this up now?!

Chelsea: And is it unhealthy to inhale teleportation dust?

Andrew: It doesn’t really matter. Teleportation strains the physical laws of the universe so badly that we’ll all be dead in twenty years from quantum decompression.

Amin: But until then, by all means play with your new kitty.

Cameron: Wanna get frisky?
Andrew: Just spent an hour talking to your sister, who’s moved into an apartment in the back of the house. Play time’s over, gotta do some work.

Cameron: That almost sounded like a divorce proposal.

Andrew: That’s not very considerate, after all the value I’ve added to your children.

Emerson: Yeah, don’t be such a bitch.

Angelica: I don’t think you’re a bitch, mommy.

Cameron: You’re grounded for swearing.

Andrew: Right, you get the idea. Your homework is to practice this shit without me.

Amin: How would you like to visit Venus without a pressure suit?

Where the fuck are we?

Chelsea: Andrew’s basement lab.

Andrew has a basement lab?!

Chelsea: Gosh, I sure hope so.

Doing a little touch-up?

Chelsea: Something more drastic, I’m afraid.

I didn’t know you were a drastic surgeon.

Chelsea: Ugh. You don’t deserve me.

Cameron: For the wall!
Andrew: We don’t want our Facebook friends seeing this shit!
Cameron: No, I mean, for the real wall! Upstairs! The one nobody walks past.
Andrew: Oh, okay.

This is what a Sim profile pic would look like.

Andrew: If I weren’t so ashamed of him.

Aren’t you too old to play with blocks?

Angelica: Aren’t you too old to play with dolls?

ELECTRONIC DOLLS ARE DIFFERENT

Amin: Yeah. Nobody cares about your electronic dolls.

Andrew: CAM! LOOK! CAM! LOOK!

Andrew: HEY! LISTEN! LOOK!

Cameron: Huh? What? I was daydreaming about shitting.

Chelsea: Hey there buddy.
Andrew: Hello random stranger.

Andrew: …I think your sister just walked past.
Cameron: Well apparently someone invited her to live with us.
Andrew: Yeah, but… I invited the present-day iteration of your sister to live with us. It was your sister from like twenty years ago that just walked past.
Cameron: Oh, good. You used to have sex with that iteration.

Chelsea: I’m sure that had no impact on my decision to revert.

Chelsea: It’s me, Muse. It’s Chelsea!

Muse: .oO(Of course it’s you, stupid. Nobody else smells like that much jizz.)

Chelsea: I think my cat just insulted me.
Andrew: There’s a word for that condition.

Amin: “Telepathy.”

Andrew: So hey, did I ever tell you about how back when the girls and I were in univ-
Amin: Universes parallel to our own, but different in key respects? Wow, me too! Every day! Because I’m a SPACE PIRATE. Now shut the fuck up about your boring college shit.

Angelica: What made you change your face, Aunt Chelsea?
Chelsea: The Maker did a shit job of fixing it and made me look like someone completely different.
Angelica: But weren’t you a piece of shit when you were younger? What’s wrong with not looking like a piece of shit?

Chelsea: Maybe the men I’m interested in have a piece of shit fetish.

Amin: Present!

That’s pretty cool! Now levitate your lower body too.

Andrew: I’m off to work. You girls play nice! But not nice enough to reveal dark secrets about my illicit conduct with each other.

Cameron: I taught a kid how to shit in a pot today.
Amin: Why are you trying to ruin my appetite?
Cameron: So you stop ruining our wallpaper. Slow the fuck down.

Muse: .oO(Important details are being neglected.)

Amin: So, what’s up with the ice queen? She gay or something?
Chelsea: I’m just not attracted to Wookies.

Amin: Yeah? Well, this is Kashyykian for “suck it.”

Muse: .oO(This is what I think about your Star Wars reference.)

Cameron: Where you going?
Chelsea: None of your business.
Cameron: Really? Me too.

Chelsea: Fine. I’m going to get some new clothes.
Cameron: I figured. I want to make sure they’re not attractive ones.

Chelsea: I should just borrow your clothes, then.

Amin: You misrepresented this last time. Please point out that I’m actually throwing food to the cat.

You really want me to admit that you’re throwing scraps of lobster thermidor to a cat? You know what I think about that?

Muse: HACCCKK

Exactly.

Chelsea: There, happy? They won’t have anything nice at the fucking general store.

Cameron: I got my clothes at the general store.

Chelsea: I rest my case.

Cameron: Move it, townie. Playables in the house.

Kitty: Hey, fuck you! I’m a playable!

With those eyes? Pff.

Chelsea: This place is a dump. I bet that stupid cop who yelled at me shops here.
Cameron: She doesn’t shop. She’s an NPC.
Kitty: Are you sure? You seem to have a lot of trouble distinguishing those.

Cameron: Get out of the way or I’ll sic Poseidon on you.

Cameron: It’s amazing how many people have heard of Poseidon.

Chelsea: Hey, look! It’s a one-shot character!
Brady: Sometimes I get a throwaway line.

Barenaked Ladies Guy?: Wow! Who’s that sexy lady?

I dunno. Where were you looking?

BLG?: Yeah, never mind.
Cameron: Wait! Wait! I never clean my ears!

Cameron: Why didn’t that work?

Cameron: Hey! HELLO! Conversation-starved desperate housewife here!

Jack: You must be desperate if you’re talking to me.
Cameron: Ooh! Do you have low self-esteem?! I’ve always wanted to exploit me some of that.

Cameron: And maybe some of that, too.

Jack: Sorry lady, I have to go… clean my bomb-making kit.
Cameron: It took you a whole ellipsis to make up that excuse?

Chelsea: Hey, did that sound like a hurricane brewing outside to you?

Chelsea: Man, it really is all about who you know these days.

Cameron: Come on, sit down and talk with me a bit.
Jack: On the sidewalk.
Cameron: We can pretend it’s part of the Occupy Movement!

Jack: I think you usually do that kind of thing during business hours.

Jack: Anyway, I’m sure a lovely lady like yourself has more interesting things to do tonight than talk to me.
Stephen: If she wasn’t married to my son, I could think of several dozen.

Cameron: It’s really no problem! My husband is off being a mad scientist somewhere.

Jack: Yep, definitely gotta go polish up that bomb kit.

Chelsea: Come on big-nose, I want to get home in time for Scrubs.

Or whatever shit was on TV in 2011.

Okay, um, how come you’re back inside?

Chelsea: Because I saw something I want inside me.

Chelsea: How’s mom doing?
Stephen: Your mother’s fine.
Chelsea: Cool. Let’s have sex some time!

Stephen: Could we do several times?

Chelsea: How about one really long time instead?

Stephen: I dunno how long I could manage, honestly.

Stephen: This looks like more of a burst situation.

Kenya: Hi Mrs. Murphy!
Cameron: Mrs. Price-Murphy.
Kenya: No, I’m Mrs. Lawson.

Cameron: What were you doing back there?
Chelsea: Telling Stephen that flower-sniffing cures blue balls.

Chelsea: But only driveway flowers.

Those characters on the license plate are the Simlish equivalents of a “G” and an “S,” I believe.

Amin: WHAT.

Hey! You got new clothes!

Cameron: You thought I was holding Chelsea’s clothes? She’s so filthy, I wouldn’t even touch something she plans to wear.

So this is how you would’ve looked if I’d corrected your genetics subtly instead of giving you a new face entirely.

I liked the new face better, honestly.

Chelsea: It was a good famous artist face. But this is a better two-timing husband-stealer face.

You’re not Sullivan-terrifying, Kent, but you sure do have your moments.

Cameron: Please stop lurking around our house.

Kent: I offer a very comprehensive skulking service.

I have no caption for this. I just wanted to show off what a lovely angle it offers.

Cameron: On what.

Shh.

Cameron: Hi! It’s Cameron Price-Murphy. Yeah! You too. Hey, listen, I’m the chief servant of a classical-age Greek deity. I was wondering if the SCIA needed any supernatural help with anything.

Cameron: I’m sure you and I could be best friends if we put some effort into it, William.

Let’s see those powers, Poseidon! Blow those bubbles off.

I guess he’s blowing me off instead.

Cameron: I hear you’re quite the ladies man, William! Don’t try seducing me, I’m very happily married! Well, I’m married anyway.

Cameron: It’s not like my asshole husband invited my fucking whore sister into our house to fucking live with us and corrupt our fucking children or anything.

Cameron: You know what they say: it never rains but she whores.

Hey, whoops! The conversation matched something that’s happening again! When was the last time that happened? Chapter Six or something?

Cameron: What do you mean? No, I’m a deep sea diver! What’s a muff diver, anyway?

Chelsea: Fuckin’ candles all up in this bitch.

Do you always sleep in your Hand of Poseidon uniform?

Cameron: What if Poseidon calls me to action in the middle of the night?

That kind of abuse is why we have unions, Cameron.

Cameron: My profession is kind of old-fashioned.

That’s pretty common around here.

Chelsea: This whole setup is like some elaborate porn scenario.

Hahaha! “Like.”

Chelsea: You need to text me when you’re gonna do that.

Andrew: What if Cameron reads my texts?

Chelsea: Fucking delete them, you moron. This isn’t a fucking Hollywood movie.

See, you say that…

Chelsea: Good day at work?
Andrew: It started out okay, but then this one guy started cursing his god and declaring his intention to defeat death itself and chewing up the scenery a whole bunch. It happens every time we show “Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein” on movie night.

Andrew: I invented robot boners, though. That was pretty cool.

Chelsea: If you install one on that robot your mom made, please let me know.

Chelsea: That’s precisely my kind of weird science.

Andrew: I could show you a thing or two about chemistry, baby. I’ve got pheremones back in the lab that’d make you have sex with an orchid.

Andrew: Holy hell is that ass ever solid.

Andrew: This should be enough PSI to break diamond!

Chelsea: I love how you think I understand your compliments.

Andrew: I love how you’re too dumb to be offended when I call you dumb.

Chelsea: I love how if you call me dumb again I’ll tell my sister you’re cheating on her.

Andrew: I love adverserial relationships.

Emerson: I love dog food!

Chelsea: I love running gags.

Andrew: I love how they run out of steam.

Chelsea: Yes.

Chelsea: But I love it when they make a comeback, too.

Andrew: More like come back.
Chelsea: That sounded like you spelled that wrong.
Andrew: No, it sounded like you heard it spelled right for the first time in your plebeian life.

Chelsea: If “plebeian” is another word for “dumb” I hope you signed a pre-nup.

Angelica: I’m gonna ask for a housecoat for my birthday.

Nathaniel: You have a housecoat.

Angelica: This one will be for you.

Emerson: Let’s play backwards chairlift!

I bet happy marriages eventually get labelled as deviant in this neighbourhood.

Cameron: My marriage is pretty happy.

Your husband didn’t sleep in your bed last night.

Cameron: I meant my marriage to my work.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.

Cameron: It’s the Mark of Poseidon.

You got a TRAMP STAMP from a GREEK GOD?

Cameron: They like tramps more than most gods.

Kent: What did the ape-man make you for breakfast, you ugly little brat?

Angelica: Lobster bisque bran flakes.

Amin: You’re looking lovely today, Cameron. Are those new clothes?
Cameron: Thanks! They are! Nobody else has mentioned them!
Nathaniel: Nice clothes. Can I have Angelica’s allowance since she’s such a bitch and didn’t notice?

Chelsea: It’s getting pretty near keeping-up-appearances-o’clock, Andrew.

Amin: We’re on Daylight Savings Time. It’s actually an hour past.

Chelsea: Hey Cameron! I’m pre-recording you this message to say that I’m sleeping with your husband, so that if you find out I can claim I was going to tell you about it.

Chelsea: I’ll give her the answering machine password if she catches us.

Kent: I have a practical lesson for your first day of home schooling.

Kent: This is what we call a “loose woman.”

Kent: This is her bathtub. What better way to learn about water-borne parasites than by contracting one?

Amin: You know how I told you we need to fire Kent?
Cameron: Yeah?
Amin: We don’t need to fire Kent.

Cameron: What made you change your mind? I know it takes a lot of effort for you.

Amin: It’s not a major change. We don’t need to fire him. We need to fire him out of a cannon.

Cameron: I don’t think that’s a legitimate form of grievance under our current contract.

Muse: .oO(WHO DID THIS WASN’T ME)

Muse: .oO(HEY. HEY. HEY.)

Muse: .oO(SOMEBODY PEED THE FLOOR.)

Muse: .oO(Deputize me and I’ll bring them to justice.)

Muse: .oO(Or stick that bag of garbage up my ass, that’ll work too.)

Muse: .oO(Can I have some food now? I think I’m going mad with hunger.)

Amin: A Shaolin monk can go weeks without food.

Amin: Even if they’re half-white like David Carradine.

Kent: If you feel a tingling in your privates, that means it’s working.

Andrew: OH HI. Don’t know why I’m in Chelsea’s bathroom. Or who I am. I’m not Andrew.

Kent: Our next lesson is about adultery shaming.

Andrew: No, your next lesson is about anatomy if you don’t leave immediately, I need to piss like a racehorse.

Kent: I don’t wanna see that, I’ve become a connoiseur of the human form since I saw two lesbians making out the other day.

WHACK WHACK WHACK

Andrew: Sounds like someone has syphilis lesions in their brain.

Hey, I almost forgot to ask you. Did you enjoy being a lesbian making out the other day?

Cameron: Not really. But that’s the kind of shit that happens when you visit someone else’s lot as a non-controllable.

Cameron: I’m just lucky that Kent is too senile to realize that it was me he HI ANDREW HOW YOU DOING

Andrew: I MUST HAVE BEEN SLEEPWALKING BECAUSE I WAS IN THE BACK IN MY HOUSECOAT FOR NO REASON.

Andrew: But luckily I found this missing baby so let’s call it a positive event and not look into it too deeply.

Cameron: Are you cheating on me?

Next time: more cheating.

GASP.

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