The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 131

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Okay, so I just did a week in a row. How about a week and a day?

The Clover County Chronicles now updates three days a week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

This sentence is here to make the intro seem longer so you’ll stop reading after noting the new update schedule, you lazy buggers.

Newcastles = new year. How conveniently memorable!


Find your muse yet?

Jerome: What’s that about Chelsea’s cat?

Debbie: Are you sure you want that? It might be for someone more important.

Penny: Repeat after me, Shiloh: nobody is more important than me.
Debbie: You think lying to kids is funny?

Penny: Repeat after me: we don’t know how the maid ended up eaten by the dog.
Debbie: Like you’d need an alibi, you cops are all so tight.

Penny: She still needs to learn how to lie well if she’s ever gonna get a date.

Shiloh: Mommy cheating.
Debbie: You might need to speed up that dishonesty lesson.

Penny: Sounds like it. Now, Shiloh, say daddy has a big penis.

Debbie: I think we should leave that for the advanced standing students.

Abigail: I thought I was gonna see a dog eat somebody.

You were, but from a really unfortunate angle.

I wish dogs had greyscale thought balloons.

To go with their black-and-white morality.

Chief: .oO(ENEMY)

Penny: Now remember, honey. There’s only two kinds of walking: towards someone while saying something smooth, and away from them while saying something cutting.

Penny: The trick is to stick around just long enough for them to feel inferior, but not long enough for them to get homicidal.

Jerome: That’s one reason why she shouldn’t have married me.

If this kind of thing ever excites me, I hope I have a heart attack and die.

Shiloh: I find it kind of moving, myself.

Penny: BABY’S FIRST POOP JOKE

Penny: Which reminds me.

Shadow: .oO(You’re making jokes about the other cat? Time was you’d make jokes about me.)

Time was people would remember you exist.

It was a very brief time, somewhere around Chapter Nine.

Shiloh: I’M NOT A GODDAMN MIRACLE WORKER

Nor is your daddy.

I wish I got some sort of points for figuring that out.

All I got instead was a higher chair to shit in.

Penny: And walking just means you have to start fetching things for your lazy-ass parents.

THINGS THAT WERE NEVER IN THE ROOM THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE IN.

Penny: Oh, they knew. They were just getting their money’s worth out of you.

Power to them.

Penny: Hey Andy, it’s me. Your stupid wife there?

Penny: Maybe we could contrive an accident for both of our spouses. Like, say, they both die in a tragic accident creating a new SeaWorld exhibit.

Andrew: I like Cameron. You should just dump Jerome and become my mistress.
Penny: I feel a “fuck you” coming on. Did you have more to add, or should I squeeze it out with what you already gave me?

Penny: But seriously, I need some sex I can notice. ASAP.

Chief: .oO(WE DON’T WANT NO SPACEMEN HERE)

Penny: Why do you stay with her, anyway? She got, like, your entire university killed by zombies. The magic can’t still be there.
Andrew: Sure, sure. Women can like bad dudes, but men can’t like race traitors?

Shiloh: NO MORE PHONE CRAP

Penny: Next time Jerome leaves the house, you’d better be over here on the double.
Andrew: Did I mention I can teleport?
Penny: Let me know before you do, though. I’ve seen “The Fly.”

Shiloh: NO MORE PHONE CRAP!

Jerome: Who were you talking to earlier?
Penny: The ghost of my affection for you.

Shiloh: No more phone crap!

Jerome: I can’t tell if you’re just being mean to me like you were when we dated, or if you actually want a divorce.
Penny: Uncertainty is the spice of romance.

Jerome: It also makes me cry myself to sleep at night.

Jerome: My pillow never fully dries out anymore.

Jerome: And it smells like the ocean.

Penny: That might be from the time I used his pillowcase to clean up after Andrew, actually. We ran out of Kleenex.

Jerome: How does this thing work?

It turns your success into milk.

Jerome: Sounds legit.

Jerome: Apparently my kind of success makes death milk.

Nah. It just uses failure when it can’t get pure success.

Jerome: Playing with your boat? Where are you cruising to?
Shiloh: Ain’t no to. Just cruisin, bitch!

Jerome: I really need to watch you two more closely when you interact.

You can paint Shiloh from memory?

Jerome: I just picture the girl from “The Ring” as a baby.

Jerome: Maybe if I get lucky she’ll kill us all.

Chief: .oO(There’s nobody to threaten at night.)

Shiloh: .oO(I thought that was what daddy was for.)

It would be cuter if I cared.

Jerome: There’s got to be something for an aspiring architect to do.

We could go to the beach and make sand castles.

Shiloh: Your breath is stinky like my poo!

Shiloh: And my breath.

Jerome: Apparently there’s a lot in Hobbytown where you can draw up blueprints.

You could design your own tomb!

That might occupy the time left until you’ll need it.

Jerome: Hey! Sharpe Oil is having a contest to design a new corporate monument!

You’re not even a real architect.

Jerome: They’re not even a real company. They’re in the “pretend to build harbours for the tax breaks” business.

William’s mom was a corporate genius.

Chief: .oO(You’re leaving? Guess it’s scare-the-womrats time.)

Jerome: If I win this competition, maybe Penny will respect me!

May all your teen movie plots come true.

Penny: Where’s he going? He knows I can’t sleep without mocking his genitals first.

Penny: -sigh- Guess I’ll call Andrew instead. Adultery is the next best thing to warm milk.

I try not to visit the hobby lots.

That’s where they keep the Alvins.

Prof. Sinjin Tang: I’m in the wrong neighbourhood, aren’t I.

I’ve seen babies show up on the sidewalks recently.

All bets are off.

Caryl Charvat: Autumn is my favourite season.

Oh, it’s not autumn yet.

There was just an incident at the science hobby lot.

Jerome: So that’s why everything to the north is glowing.

You might want to protect your gonads.

I didn’t know you could be a Doctor of Ventriloquism.

Prof. Rebecca Go: You can’t. He’s a Doctor of Senility.
Prof. Sinjin: WHERE’S MY COFFEE, GLADYS

Prof. Sinjin: IF I CATCH THE CHOLERA BECAUSE YOU MADE ME DRINK WELL WATER, I’LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOUR BOARDING HOUSE.

Prof. Sinjin: I DON’T MUCH CARE FOR GABLE, BUT O’HARA’S GOT IT GOIN’ ON.
Jerome: Is that the movie where all the privileged white people catch fire? I’ve always wanted to see it.

Prof. Sinjin: THE CURSED SIMBRITISH HAVE BURNED THE WHITE HOUSE!
Jerome: Man, even crazy history sucks.

Prof. Sinjin: I DO A GREAT IMPRESSION OF JAMES GARFIELD

Caryl: Oh no! A black man at night!

Jerome: Oh yes! A black woman at… night.

Well done.

Jerome: NOT EVERYTHING WORKS WHEN YOU REVERSE IT.

Jerome: But I’d like to work her in reverse!
Prof. Rebecca: You must be an architect. You don’t sound like you talk to a lot of women.

Jerome: I’m Jerome Newcastle! You’ve probably never heard of me, but I’m going to be famous soon.
Prof. Rebecca: Not if my pepper spray has anything to say about it, creep.

Jerome: You’ve got the wrong idea! I just want to talk to you.
Prof. Rebecca: Oh! You’re not a rapist, you’re just impotent.

Jerome: A little bit, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.

Prof. Rebecca: What are you designing?
Jerome: They’re building a big soulless corporate trademark downtown. I want to get paid for designing it.
Prof. Rebecca: I always thought “artist” sounded better without that “starving” nonsense attached.

Jerome: The best thing about being a fictional architect is you can rip off anybody.

Prof. Rebecca: Oh god, there’s no escape.

Prof. Sinjin: He just wants to watch you.

Jerome: I’m making an observation tower.

So everyone can admire my beautiful city!

Jerome: I was thinking so they could spit on each other from really high up.

Jerome: Man, you are gonna have so much trouble using the in-game camera up there!

Years worth of it, no doubt.

Jerome: This is gonna be a great addition to the skyline.

And unlike the rest of the skyline, it’ll actually be real.

Jerome: It should have a clock on it. Should it be analogue or digital?

An analogue one will actually show the correct time. I won’t have to change the display in post-production that way.

Jerome: Digital it is!

Prof. Sinjin: SMOKEY BEARINSON, I PRESENT TO YOU FRANK LLOYD BLACK.

Prof. Sinjin: I’m out of material. Talk amongst yourselves for a bit.

Jerome: I wonder if anyone else is even entering this competition.
Prof. Sinjin: WHEN DID THEY MAKE IT LEGAL FOR NEGROES TO COMPETE
Jerome: Are you even talking through the bear?
Prof. Sinjin: He’s a confidence prop.

I bet this is how real architects work.

They draw messy lines all over the place and then connect them until something concrete emerges.

Jerome: This is gonna be steel, not concrete.

Prof. Sinjin: THIS IS NOT GETTING OLD

Prof. Rebecca: Have you been harassing this dude all night, Prof. Sinjin?
Prof. Sinjin: It’s easier because the cops won’t help him.

Jerome: You know, my wife is a cop.
Prof. Rebecca: Oh. You’re married?
Jerome: That’s what I keep telling her, anyway.

Prof. Sinjin: So when you’re done, which line do you tug?
Jerome: Pardon?
Prof. Sinjin: Which line do you tug to get it out of the paper and into the real world?
Jerome: …I was thinking we’d just build it. Like, out of materials.
Prof. Sinjin: How magical!

Looking good!

Jerome: It’s based on a Canadian building.

I think you mean SimCanadian.

Jerome: No, real Canadian. That way nobody will recognize it.

Caryl: The torch has been passed.

Jerome: If I don’t believe in you, you’re not real.

Smokey Bearinson: Unfortunately, we are.

Jerome: Holy shit, I’ve been making buildings all night.

Ah, the summer of 2011. How you made me despise Build Mode.

Jerome: I think I’m hallucinating.

Why? Can you suddenly feel your penis?

Jerome: This building’s about to get a whole lot goofier.

Jerome: Maybe I’ll make it a ten-storey outdoor homeless shelter.

Jerome: Maybe I’ll redesign it to look like a giant bed.

Jerome: This place is so inspiring! Or I’m losing my mind.

Jerome: Or both.

Jerome: Coffee ads are bullshit.

Prof. Rebecca: Won’t your wife be looking for you?
Jerome: Probably not, she’d be afraid of finding me.

Prof. Rebecca: She sounds like a bitch. Have you considered not being married to her?
Jerome: Nobody else will sleep with me.

Jerome: And sleep is suddenly very important to me.

Jerome: And you’re pretty hot.
Rebecca: And you’re crazy hot!

Jerome: I wonder if any of this is real.
Smokey: I’m pretty sure you aren’t.

I got you a bed.

Jerome: I will give you my soul.

I think you’ve already sold it to caffeine.

Jerome: This must be what it’s like to be a real artist. Working in a frenzy, living life on the edge, having brief romantic dalliances…

Talking to stuffed animals…

Jerome: Sleeping in random beds, pushing the envelope, wearing private clothes in publc…

Replacing your bloodstream with coffee…

Jerome: Let’s do this bitch.

Smokey: They’re all out there. They’re all out there to get you.

Caryl: …is there a hobo sleeping in here?
Jerome: I’m awake right now.

Caryl: It’s beautiful!
Jerome: Yeah! I think it’s done!
Caryl: I’m talking about this painting, not whatever shit you’re scribbling over there.

Jerome: I’ve never felt so alive.

You’ve also never done anything with your life.

Jerome: Who knew it was a thing?!

Jerome: Life’s too short to hang around and get your dick made fun of.

Jerome: I have something to tell you.
Prof. Rebecca: Someone stole your clothes?

Jerome: I think you’re really swell.
Prof. Rebecca: Have you been getting romantic advice from Prof. Sinjin?

Prof. Sinjin: I told him to just buy you.
Jerome: He thinks black people are still slaves.
Prof. Rebecca: No, he thinks literally everyone is a slave. It’s what happens when you stay in academia too long.

Jerome: Do you wanna come look at my blueprint?
Prof. Rebecca: Only if that’s an extraordinarily obtuse metaphor for something else.

Jerome: I can’t show you that.
Prof. Rebecca: Why not?
Jerome: Because I want you to respect me.

Prof. Rebecca: If you don’t love your body, Jerome, I can’t love you.
Jerome: But nobody loves my body!

Jerome: If penises were missiles, mine would be inter-county-nental.

Jerome: We could just tickle and talk about our feelings!
Prof. Rebecca: I might as well be gay, then!

Jerome: Well, with that haircut…
Prof. Rebecca: Please, keep digging that grave.

Jerome: I know lots of exciting cat gossip.

Prof. Rebecca: THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING

Jerome: I have a feeling we’re going to get very close, Rebecca.
Prof. Rebecca: That’s Prof. Rebecca.

Prof. Rebecca: Nobody’s too close for titles.

Jerome: I understand. Sometimes my wife makes me use her maiden name.

Jerome: Your muscles feel so tense and worn-out!
Prof. Rebecca: I think those are your muscles.
Jerome: Is this real life?

Prof. Sinjin: Smokey! I thought you quit!

Jerome: So, are you seeing anybody?
Prof. Rebecca: Only people who are actually there. Can you say the same?

Prof. Rebecca: ‘cuz I think you’re trippin’ balls.

Jerome: Go out with me!
Prof. Rebecca: Give me a call when your brain chemistry settles down.

Jerome: But I might not still be horny then.

Jerome: It’s a legitimate problem at my age!

Jerome: I’m still proud of some of what I did today.

Prof. Rebecca: I’m not sure it’s a good idea to steal a policewoman’s husband.

Jerome: I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to be a policewoman’s husband.

Especially not if you’re cheating on her.

Jerome: Well, here goes nothing!

Who judges the competition?

Jerome: William Sharpe. He’s apparently the majority shareholder.

I guess his mom left him those shares.

Jerome: No, he won them in a cockfight.

Jerome: I hear he brought his own cock.

Jerome: The very idea terrifies me.

Penny: Where have you been?
Jerome: Not flirting with other women!
Penny: That much is obvious.

Penny: STOP BURNING MY PADLOCKS DOG
Chief: .oO(WHY DON’T YOU MAKE ME)

Jerome: I’m starting to wonder if there’s no jobs in architecture because there haven’t been any new buildings in, like, decades.

What a silly thought.

Chief: .oO(The revolution starts now!)

Penny: Marxism has been thoroughly discredited!

Jerome: I got a job.

In architecture?!

Jerome: As a construction worker! So, sort of! Yeah! Let’s say yeah.

Chief: .oO(SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUM)

I don’t blame you.

Since Jerome failed to provide us with anything sexy for this chapter.

Penny: That sure does sound like him.

I thought you got a job as a construction worker!

Jerome: I lied.

WHO WOULD LIE ABOUT GETTING A JOB AS A CONSTRUCTION WORKER

At least, who would lie and say they did?

Penny: Daddy’s stuck in a dead-end, Shiloh. But we’re better than that.

Penny: Now stay in this room all day.

Chief: .oO(Are you gonna take that shit?!)

Shiloh: Yes.

Next time: lesbians again, apparently.

Is that my thing now?

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