Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every day this week!
#7 of 7! That’s an entire week straight of updates.
Which two people have read.
If you need to be told what happened “last time in the Clover County Chronicles,” which was yesterday, well… too bad, I gues.
Stewart: Hey Rosemarie! Where’s Margaret?
Rosemarie: She said she couldn’t do two chapters in a row. Something about her contract.
Stewart: Well anyway, I’ve been wanting to talk to you. Is now a good time, or should I come back when you’re doing even less?
Rosemarie: You say that like it might not be possible. I’m a Pleasure Sim. It is.
Stewart: I need a taxi! Because buses are for plebs and walking in the winter is for SimCanadians.
Stewart: How are you so skinny if you never stop eating?
Rosemarie: It’s all in the clothing.
Stewart: I’ve never noticed how much a vehicle sags when you get in.
That’s how she ran your brother over instead of dragging him.
Margaret: Rosemarie! Where’s Stewart? I’m ready for our second chapter!
Rosemarie: I’m not your secretary!
Rosemarie: I’m more of a sexretary.
Stewart: Rosemarie! Come back! I want to apologize to you!
Rosemarie: If I try to stop I’ll fall on my ass!
Rosemarie: You know where to find me.
Stewart: We had our first date here.
Rosemarie: It was our only date.
Stewart: Well, I had to postpone the second one. For a death in the family. You know how it is.
Rosemarie: But you know it wasn’t my fault, right? The asshole pushing the buttons decided I must have run your brother over since my car spawned past where he was standing.
It seemed really funny at the time!
Rosemarie: I’m so happy we’ve cleared that up. Together. In private.
Stewart: I had big plans for that second date.
Casing the joint?
Stewart: You wouldn’t let me touch you back then.
Rosemarie: Your hands were dirty.
Stewart: They were not!
Rosemarie: Then your skin was terrible. And anyway, I’m letting you touch me now.
Stewart: You were naked back then too, as I recall.
Rosemarie: Don’t push your luck.
What exactly does a deputy mayor do, anyway?
Dagmar: I’m responsible for all the foreheading in Centreborough.
Daisy: Hi ladies! What we talkin’ ’bout? Lady things?
Abigail: I’m a Founder. We don’t talk to people who get to move in for no reason from parts unknown.
Lora: I used to be a Townie, so that goes double for me. Goddamn playables, always turning people into zombies and getting to sleep indoors.
Daisy: You’re not really a snob. You just think there’s something suspicious about me.
Abigail: There’s nothing about you that isn’t.
Daisy: I need to be friends with people dumb enough to believe my flimsy story.
Dagmar: I’m a politician!
Rosemarie: You know, it’s kind of awkward doing this when you’re dating Margaret.
Stewart: I have a solution for that.
Rosemarie: If this thing has her name on it or something, you’re a dead man.
Rosemarie: Wow! It even shines! I don’t think they really do that.
Rosemarie: I should have run Leonard over before our first date.
Stewart: You still don’t get to make jokes about that.
Rosemarie: No promises.
Rosemarie: Mmm. Much less European-tasting than Andrzej.
Daisy: What? Haven’t you ever seen someone jog on a treadmill before?
Dagmar: Right, because it’s what your doing and not what you’re wearing that’s begging for comment.
Rosemarie: You know, I’m not wearing any underwear.
Stewart: What a time-saver!
Stewart: Can you explain things to Margaret for me?
Rosemarie: Pretty sure you have the balls to do it yourself. I can feel them.
Abigail: I know for a fact that you’re not who you say you are.
Daisy: So I have an assumed name! I’m an actress, for god’s sake.
Daisy: An actress who wins awards for how well she portrays a serial killer, so watch your ass.
Abigail: I’m watching you. And I’m still a main character, so you watch your ass.
Daisy: HOW ABOUT EVERYONE MINDS THEIR OWN ASSES.
Lora: So, this thing is free now?
Rosemarie: Is this the extent of your sexual capabilities?
Stewart: This is my first time.
Rosemarie: Mine too, sort of.
Stewart: Sort of?
Rosemarie: You don’t say you’ve played baseball just because someone’s hit you in the head with a bat, you know?
Dagmar: This is Nicholas King. He’s the Chief of Police.
Daisy: I’ve already met two other people who were also the Chiefs of Police.
Dagmar: It’s an accountability thing.
Stewart: So, I take it from your oblique metaphor that you had oral sex with Andrzej?
Rosemarie: It wasn’t all metaphor. That thing basically was a baseball bat.
Rosemarie: But yeah, fine, if you insist.
Rosemarie: I can’t promise you I won’t make stupid faces while it happens.
Rosemarie: Ugh, that was disgusting.
Stewart: You weren’t that bad at it.
Stewart: Not today, I have a headache.
Rosemarie: I have no idea how this thing works.
Rosemarie: But I know how to look cool with it.
You’re on par with most modern musicians now.
Got it all figured out?
Daisy: Oh, yes.
Daisy: Oh, yes indeed.
Stewart: Come pick me up! I’m at the Apocalypse Museum. And I think maybe there’s another apocalypse gonna happen, so don’t be slow.
Stewart: Although if it does happen, I’ve got an awesome playlist for it.
Ricky: If you know about a crime in progress, you have to tell the police.
Stewart: You’re a cop, aren’t you?
Ricky: I’m off-duty. Right now I’m just an average dude with an above-average sense of self-worth.
Are you sure you don’t just find all females attractive?
Stewart: That one with the mullet behind me is pretty ugly.
Joe: Don’t they teach you gender discernment at college?
It’s pretty hard not to figure it out on your own.
Jewel: Go ahead and shower with the door open, I’m gonna prance around naked for a bit.
Stewart: Home, sweet, sweet home.
Gabe: SHE GOUGED MY EYES OUT
Stewart: They’re just buttons.
Gabe: THE REAL ONES TOO
Jewel: WHAT ABOUT IT
Stewart: There’s lots of awesome ladies here, it’s hard to pick just one.
But you have to.
Stewart: …I was gonna say “so I’m not gonna” but now you’ve ruined it.
Stewart: Maggie seems nice, and maybe not retarded.
Stewart: Celeste has that whole “why am I even attractive” thing going for her, plus we wouldn’t need birth control.
Stewart: Whoever is whatever and the other one is who cares.
Stewart: …and Rosemarie isn’t even here so I guess the contest was pointless.
Or you should stick with Margaret because she’s awesome.
Stewart: This was my survey, I’ll interpret it how I want to.
Andrzej: The pretty waif gives the mouth sex in the upstairs!
Rosemarie: Not indiscriminately though.
Rosemarie: Why’s it so fucking cold outside?
Because it’s winter?
Rosemarie: What? Whose idea was that?
Rosemarie: I’ve got some tough choices to make here.
No you don’t.
Rosemarie: My heart is being torn in so many different directions!
No it isn’t.
There’s an insane sexist European…
A bizarre biker gang male model…
…and this douchebag, who nevertheless literally lets you get away with murder.
Stewart: Right, because Rosemarie’s the one who’s getting away with that.
You can’t touch me, I have deic immunity.
Rosemarie: You’re right. It’s gotta be goofus over there.
Rosemarie: And with only fat girls as competition, I’m a shoe-in.
Margaret’s not fat.
Rosemarie: She’s not paying attention, you don’t have to lie.
Stewart: Hey Rosemarie! About what happened last night and our complicated situation.
Rosemarie: It’s really not so complicated.
Rosemarie: Complicated is a word more suited to our bathroom arrangements.
Pamela: I’m gonna go pee in your bed then.
I always knew you were a witch.
Celeste: Fire burn and sprinkler bubble!
Margaret: I need to know I’m making the right decision. Can we talk a bit so I can confirm that everyone here is way more banal and moronic than Stewart?
Calvin: Hello pancakes! Let me introduce you to my new girlfriend Margarine.
Stewart: Oh no! We’re both soaked! I guess we ought to strip before we freeze into our clothes, huh?
Celeste: If you get all your seduction ideas from Logan’s Run then this just isn’t gonna work out, kid.
Just in case anyone wanted to know who the non-people are attracted to.
Not-Cheryl: Which one was the pissing bed again?
Rosemarie: I’m in a committed relationship.
Matthew: Do you always tell people that when you meet them?
Rosemarie: Only when I want to cheat with them, and I need them to be discreet.
Rosemarie: Oh no! What’s that behind you?! Is it an initiation routine?!
Matthew: Oh god I hope not, I just got my clothes back today!
That thing appears to be frozen.
Rosemarie: For what I have in mind, I need to establish his pain tolerance.
Matthew: IT’S LOWER THAN THIS
Matthew: I get it! This is one of those shows where they torture celebrities!
Rosemarie: You’re a celebrity?
Matthew: I play William Sharpe on TV! You haven’t seen it?
Rosemarie: Is that the one with the cook who catches on fire, or the one about washing your dog?
Matthew: I’m having too much fun to be offended.
Such exotic grace!
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the last hundred years of war, it’s that exotic grace needs to be carpet-bombed into oblivion.
Rosemarie: It’s like I’m sweating in an anime!
Rosemarie: It’s like my water broke!
Matthew: It’s like my balls exploded!
Matthew: Speaking of which, they’re turning blue in two different but equally painful ways right now.
Rosemarie: Was that a come-on?
Matthew: It was intended as the prelude to a come-in.
Matthew: In you, I mean.
Rosemarie: Off with your pants. We’ll do it on the garbage can.
Rosemarie: But do it quietly.
Rosemarie: I don’t want any drama, now that I’m engaged to Stewart.
Stewart: Life is good!
Rosemarie: I can see why they picked you!
Matthew: No, we had to audition separately. I almost got someone else’s dick grafted on to me.
Margaret: I’m preserving this for posterity.
Margaret: If only there were some tangible evidence!
Matthew: Okay, I’m bored now.
Matthew: BACK OFF FANGIRL! I HEAR YOU’RE ENGAGED!
Rosemarie: This is not the kind of discretion I had in mind.
Jewel: I’m convinced that was all legitimate!
Matthew: Sex with no consequences! Celebrity is great.
So that’s why girls make those faces.
This game is so fake.
Cheerleaders never acknowledge anyone.
Margaret: Hey charming, I missed you earlier.
Stewart: It was for the best.
Margaret: So you went on a date with Rosemarie?
Stewart: HAHAHAHA WHAT.
Stewart: So, is that… supposed to be proof? Of this date? That I can neither confirm nor deny?
Margaret: I dunno what it is. It could be proof that your other girlfriend is having garbage can sex with our dorm-mates, for all I know.
Stewart: I don’t have the time for your mind games.
Margaret: I don’t know if you even have the mind.
Calvin: OOH BURN SO HOT.
Rosemarie: My ass is frozen.
Matthew: If only there was an inside.
Pamela: You’re looking less perky than usual.
Troy: It’s very cold out here.
Troy: OH MY GOD MY DICK IS FREEZING.
Matthew: We should start a club.
There’s some really obnoxious drug addicts on the bus with me right now.
They have the stupidest laughs I’ve ever heard.
I’m telling you this because I can’t think of a caption that does justice to this pic.
Matthew: Love means cruelly murdering plant life.
Matthew: A good woman is worth a snow rose.
STOP DOING YOUR HOMEWORK ON THE ROOF.
Stewart: I think my exam went well.
Rosemarie: That was a little joke.
Don’t be a furry, Stewart.
And that, that’s even worse.
Stewart: You’re a cool chick. Will you condescend to dance with me, thereby reminding me that I’m a geek and you’re not?
Harmony McBee: That has a certain appeal.
Harmony: As does that bulge down there.
Stewart: Toilet paper does wonders.
Stewart: …but I guess there are some things you can’t fake.
Harmony: I can play the harp too. We cheerleaders are encouraged to learn a musical instrument, as well as calligraphy and tea-making.
Jewel: I think you’re thinking of geisha girls, Harmony.
Harmony: Why, what are we supposed to be?
Personally, all of my suppositions are turning out false right now.
Pamela: We do it all for you, you know.
Hey, you put your clothes back on!
Pamela: Only because they’re still the wrong ones.
Are you as hopeless in your dreams as you are in real life?
I usually am.
Why the long face?
Rosemarie: Additionally, premonitions of doom.
So, are you gonna marry Rosemarie?
Stewart: Dude, not when I’m just waking up.
I mean later.
Stewart: No, I mean, dude, don’t talk to me about marriage when I’m just waking up.
I know. I just promised myself I’d never miss a chance to misinterpret someone.
Rosemarie: Your exams must have gone so well.
Stewart: Hi bunny!
Harmony: Hi worm!
Stewart: At least I never do the “penis goes here” dance.
Harmony: Well done, worm. Shallow girls respond to verbal abuse.
Stewart: What about objectification?
Harmony: I’m getting wet.
Stewart: I notice you’re not getting any closer to me.
Harmony: I notice you haven’t brushed your teeth yet.
You’re really not coming out well in this comparison, Rose.
Stewart: I dunno, she just has a certain something.
Rosemarie: Yeah. An engagement ring.
And other things.
Stewart: Which make up for other other things.
Harmony: Can I put my hand down your pants?
Jewel: Only if it’s to torture all the menfolk.
Stewart: I was only messing around with the cheerleaders.
Rosemarie: Aww! Honey! They were messing around with you.
Stewart: Don’t make me stab you with this.
Stewart: Hey, you’re ruining our breakfast aesthetic here.
Stewart: I just got engaged! That gives me a strong sense of entitlement.
Margaret: He’s like a beautiful car crash in slow motion.
Stewart: I can go faster!
And now, a Shakespearean summary pantomine.
Stewart: Hey! Who’s that? Is it a potential love interest?
Rosemarie: Not anymore it’s not!
Rosemarie: I have defeated you with my redheaded sex magic!
Rosemarie: Go team shallow!
Stewart: We have no hidden depths!
Stewart: Go team shallow!
Rosemarie: We’re doomed to early deaths!
Margaret: I don’t even know what we’re doing now.
Margaret: I’m just going to be elegant in the corner over here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the future.
Harmony: The future can dance!
Stewart: I can do just about anything when boobs are involved.
Stewart: Shit! I’m late for boobs class!
Rosemarie: You call your exam “boobs class”?
Stewart: It’s a study trick.
Next time: a passionate love story about architecture.
It’s about architecture, anyway.