Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every day this week!
#4 of 7! Porn host’s down, so fuck it, I’m gonna put the porn images on Photobucket and we’ll see how long it takes to crack down on them.
We’re visiting the White Family later on in this chapter. They’re really confusing. (Like most of my families.) Let’s see what the evil ENTROPY organization has to say about Iris White, the “newest” member of the family:
If you’ve given up on understanding this, I… don’t forgive you. Try harder.
Meanwhile, at the Happy Home for Ugly Babies…
Well, most of them are happy anyway.
Bradley: Maybe Lyndsey won’t turn out to be ugly.
AND MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST THROW THE WHOLE SCIENCE OF GENETICS OUT THE WINDOW HUH
Bradley: If that would prevent future generations from being cursed with my dead, lifeless eye colour…
Bradley: Man, everything suddenly seems brighter now.
The sun came up.
Bradley: Man, exactly.
Bradley: Oh. It actually is daytime now.
Yeah, I’m never that enthused about it either.
But at least I haven’t got an ingrown moustache.
Bradley: All better!
Better I agree with, but I wouldn’t say all.
The circle of life in one image.
Stop looking how I feel about you.
Type that into Google and see if anyone’s ever typed it before.
Lewis: .oO(SAVE YOURSELF)
Where’s my stepping-on-toddlers mod, internet?
Bradley: Get out of my way! FUCK!
Bradley: Remember when we were stuck in that basement and everyone else died?
Lora: Remember when I was taking a shit?
Bradley: Remember when Kaylynn beat Randy in a fistfight?
Lora: Hahaha! This totally couldn’t have waited.
Bradley: Remember some guy with a yellow shirt?
Lora: Have you taken your pills today, Bradley?
Crazy is a good substitute for sexy.
Bradley: And blowjobs are a good substitute for love.
Who says shower sex is hard to do in the Sims?
Everything’s easier when you combine clever with lazy.
Bradley: Unless you pooped that yourself, I don’t see why you’re presenting it to me.
Mayhew: Have a nice day at work, Mr. Price! If you can call it that.
Bradley: Yeah, fuck you too.
Mayhew: Bradley said to fuck me.
Lora: I’m amenable.
Lora: No, seriously.
Lora: I’M AMENABLE
Lora: This is my amenable face.
Mayhew: What you tell me three times is true.
Mayhew: So true.
Mayhew: I hope you swished all the Bradley dick out of there first.
Lora: My life is a magical journey.
Lora: Like all magical journeys, it should end with the revelation that it was all just a dream.
Depends on whether my backups worked.
Lora: I need some Q-Tips, my balance is off.
Lora: I’m gonna be fucked up all day now.
Lora: Are you gonna put your dick away?
Mayhew: Why, are we done with it?
Lora: I feel weird about you playing with my kids.
Mayhew: Yeah, they’re pretty ugly, eh?
Lora: Fuck you.
Lora: Sorry Anthony, I found someone younger. We can still be friends.
Mayhew: Friends with benefits is better.
Mayhew: By which I mean-
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
Lora: So then you grab his shoulders and push! He’ll fall on his ass because his centre of gravity is so low.
Lance: .oO(Daddy already taught me a kick that counters that.)
You’re getting pretty creepy, Mayhew.
Mayhew: That was my goal for the day.
Lora: This one’s about a teddy bear. It gets thrown out at the end.
Lewis: .oO(I guess this is more time-efficient.)
Lora: Do you actually do anything around here?
Mayhew: Not since I got such awesome blackmail material, nope.
Yup. Might as well group all the bads together.
Lora: Rawr! The claw!
Lance: .oO(Arthritis is pretty scary.)
Lance: .oO(But so is aging!)
Lora: Make a wish!
Lance: .oO(I wish you weren’t such a ho.)
Mayhew: If neither of us have any cake, we can re-use it for the other one!
Mayhew: I’ll go get him.
Lora: Stop using trash bags to carry my kids around.
Mayhew: But it’s so appropriate!
Lora: And anyway, the little shit is behind me.
Lance: .oO(I understood that joke!)
What about this one?
Lora: Yes! Awesome! Old enough to tell on me, but also old enough to be bribed.
Lance: Go on.
Lance: How about we leave him that way? The tormenting options would be endless.
Lance: Or how about I inflate this counter instead.
Lance: I really wouldn’t bother. Look how ugly he’s gonna be!
Yeah, but he’s already ugly now, so it’s a zero-sum game.
…I’ve never seen an improvement before.
Your genetics must be some fucked up, kid.
Just like your childhood.
Lewis: Eww! Pig!
Lora: I guess we should have taught you to talk before you grew up.
You probably did, but yet again, the desire not to check has struck me.
Mayhew: That’s right! They got brand-new rooms full of all kinds of neat stuff! And you still get the floor. Because they hate you.
Lewis: Yeah, mom, what’s the hate situation like here anyway?
Lora: Mostly I just hate myself.
Mostly I just hate her too.
Hm. I always thought of this family as more of the wallowing-in-their-own-filth sort.
But whatever makes you happy.
Lance: Spying on people in the bathroom makes me happy.
Lewis: Which just proves that we’re not identical twins.
Lance: I must destroy him.
I’m inclined to agree.
Wow! I must have briefly cared about you guys that day.
What came over me?
I’m sure this brought me back to reality.
Lewis: Oh, couchy… the only constant maternal presence in my life.
Mayhew: Oh yeah baby, those footsteps are hot.
Lora: Stop hitting on my baby.
Mayhew: I see what you did there.
Mayhew: Who invited these losers?
Bradley: There’s my hot bathroom mama!
Mayhew: How did you find out about that?
Lora: Everybody stop revealing my secrets and watch this baby explode.
Lora: I said everybody.
I just didn’t care enough, honestly.
Yes. That’s it. Screen her from view.
She’s not worth seeing.
Lora: I have improved her.
How’d you do that?
Lora: I tried to de-emphasize her inherent Bradliness.
Lyndsey: .oO(I don’t like sleeping!)
We have nothing in common.
Lora: I HATE HALF-WALLS
Bradley: I HATE HALF-CECILIAS
Lora: I love half-wits.
Bradley: See? I told you! It’s only solid in your mind.
Mayhew: I’m gonna walk through that wall one day.
Sing a song of sucks putz.
Lyndsey: .oO(Is this hell?)
I know, right? Terrifying.
I already got you a rabbit, a bear, a plane, a bird, a stupid Japanese thing and a rocketship. If I get you an elephant there’ll be no room for you.
So, I’m on it.
Gundam: FREEZE SUCKA-SAN
Lewis: I hate anime.
Bradley: You can’t stop the consensual sex train!
Lora: You can. By definition.
Lora: But why would I want to?
This is why.
Bradley: I hate old people sleeps. They are too short.
Lora: Stop harping and get out.
Bradley: It’s hard to share a bed with someone who would make that joke.
Bradley: Especially when we’ve got shits to do!
Bradley: I don’t know why the concept of her daddy always makes her cry.
That’s your defining feature.
Lyndsey: .oO(I REFUSE TO LET THAT BE MY FIRST WORD.)
Bradley: Look, I only agreed to have another kid if she could learn my name first.
Lyndsey: .oO(WELL THEN I GUESS I HAVE TO CLIMB BACK IN)
Bradley: SAY MY NAME.
Bradley: Yes! That’s right! Bradley! Well done!
Lyndsey: I didn’t say Bradley!
Bradley: Ooh! She said it again! And better, this time.
Bradley: I think that’s enough words.
Lyndsey: I really don’t want to get any closer to that.
Lyndsey: But if you insist, you’re in for a world of pain.
Bradley: What’s the worst that can happen? You fall on the stone floor and scrape your whole body?
Lyndsey: Can’t we talk this over?
Lyndsey: I’ll say your name a bunch if we can stop.
That’s what she said!
Bradley: Don’t. Just don’t.
Bradley: Hahahaha fool!
Bradley: Aww. I wanted to watch you fail a bunch more.
Bradley: I’ll pretend to be happy, for your sake.
Lewis: So hey, this is the nobody-shuts-the-fuck-up house, eh?
Lewis: It shall be the nobody-has-cake and nobody-can-fix-the-dishwasher house too, then.
Lora: THIS IS OUR HOUSE WE GET TO NAME IT
Lewis: So hey, how come mom’s such a pig?
Lora: Because of this sty she has to live in.
Run, kid! Escape! It’s your only hope!
It’s our only hope too.
Sam: Oh, hey Mrs. White! I’ve got your bottle ready!
Daisy: That’s for the baby, Sam.
Sam: Really? What do adults eat, then?
Daisy: Sullivan must have been a wonderful dad.
Iris: And guess who was a kickass mom?!
Daisy: That is not my ass. That is my face and it’s fragile.
Serial killers! Evil denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!
Laci: I’m not a serial killer! I was serial killed!
It’s infectious, you’ll see.
Iris: Can’t wait.
Daisy: It’s pretty awesome, won’t lie.
Kaylynn: SURE IS A LOT OF AWESOME GOING AROUND HERE
Kaylynn: You can measure it by the litre.
Speaking of litres…
Daisy: I’m teaching her how to be a camel.
Daisy: She’s not very good at it.
Sam: If only there was something we could do!
Like that bottle you had earlier?
Sam: Right, but for babies!
That’s it, guys.
Hold the wall back.
Daisy: Cheer up, kid. You’ve got it made here! Except for the concrete.
Daisy: And the neglect.
Daisy: And the inevitable life of crime I’ll lead you into.
Laci: I’m so proud.
Daisy: Let’s pretend I’ve got your dad stuck behind that wall! I want you to imagine you can hear him shouting for help.
Sam: Awesome! I think I’ve already started!
Daisy: Nobody ever has a secret fridge door. I think they should get on that.
Kaylynn: I think I should get on you.
Sullivan: I’M DEFILING YOUR ENCYCLOPEDIAS
Daisy: But luckily, the internet.
Kaylynn: All I know about the internet is that it has a lot of pictures of me pissing myself and dying.
Daisy: There! All better! Some fresh air and sunlight.
Sullivan: Uh-huh. And I bet you’ve got a new hat for me, too.
Sullivan: I hate predictable women.
Kaylynn: Fuck your mom!
Daisy: A pretty elegant insult, given the time you had to craft it.
Daisy: Come on, mom, try harder! Crying practice is important if we’re going to be serial killers together!
Iris: I’m not faking! These are real tears!
Daisy: Don’t say that! Nobody will buy it if you oversell!
The Grim Reaper: OH GOD. NOT THIS GUY AGAIN. YOU CAN KEEP HIM.
Daisy: At least hose him down for us first.
Sam: OH GOD! WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE?! WHY? WHY?!?!
Sam: WHY is that chick NAKED?!
And also insane?
Sam: Aww! She’s singing the “Eat Your Hand” song I taught her!
Kaylynn: APPARENTLY MY ASPIRATION SCORE IS LOW FOR SOME REASON
Kaylynn: Or maybe this is what feeling good is like, and I’ve just forgotten.
Laci: Hahaha yeah your life is shit.
Daisy: I’ve been having so much fun killing people, I forgot to go to work and pretend to kill people.
She’s dreaming about you.
Iris: Because I definitely want to be remembered for all of this.
She’s screaming about you.
Iris: Just like Cecilia used to!
Kaylynn: I’M MAKING A POOL FOR YOU
Aww! Look who’s helping!
Kaylynn: I want to be a mother some day!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hoo! Good one.
Iris: How’s my beautiful granddaughter? Assuming you’re the real one and not the one she stole.
Kaylynn: SMASH IT OPEN AND EAT THE INSIDES
Iris: She seems nice.
Kaylynn: Alright, send him back. But you owe me one for it.
Iris: There! We match now.
So… you’re Laci pretending to be “Iris,” and Cecilia is pretending to be “Daisy,” and you’re pretending to be her mom, which you actually are, and you’re pretending that this is also your daughter Kelsey, even though she’s actually Chelsea’s daughter Dylan, and Cecilia’s daughter Andrea is just… Daisy’s daughter Andrea. Is that correct?
Iris: That’s how it was explained to me.
Really? That badly?
Kaylynn: WAIT ACTUALLY THIS WAS A BAD IDEA
Kaylynn: Remember, you owe me.
Sullivan: Right, because I was so unhappy in hell.
Kaylynn: The magic is gone, Sullivan.
Sullivan: I dunno, it still seems to be all over the floor.
Kaylynn: OH SWEET MERCIFUL SIMCHRIST
This was easier than taking a shower and eating dinner?
Not necessarily easier, but definitely better.
Kelsey: .oO(I’d ask you if you want some, but I can’t speak, and also I hate you.)
Sam: Hi cheerleader!
Kaylynn: Hi butler!
Sam: I HAVE A NAME YOU KNOW
Iris: I hear there’s food inside of you!
Kaylynn: SULLIVAN COME MAKE ME STRONGER
Sullivan: That only works if I don’t kill you.
Iris: “Laci”! Say “Laci”!
Iris: Shit! Right! That’s right. Good.
Kaylynn: There has got to be a better way to build fighting skill.
Sullivan: There is, but those kids are slightly too young right now.
I think she’s too young for compound words, Iris.
Daisy: How did I end up with all these kids?
Yeah, you’re not really motherly material.
Daisy: No, I mean, seriously? How? I’ve forgotten already.
Andrea: .oO(I look bitchin’!)
Kaylynn: STOP DRIPPING ON MY SNEAKERS!
Is that some disgusting or hilarious metaphor I don’t understand?
Take a good long look, kid.
Your life is going down there soon enough.
Daisy: Hurry it up! I won’t have an apprentice who can’t run from the cops!
Daisy: You’re hired.
Daisy: Now I’m gonna teach you how to make a whip out of shoelaces!
Kelsey: .oO(Daisy scary.)
That’s all you need to know about her.
That’s all you need to know period.
Kaylynn: I can think of a few more things.
Sullivan: Such abs. So hardness.
Kaylynn: Sullivan’s not a worthy opponent.
Daisy: I don’t have time for your shit.
Daisy: I barely have time for this shit.
Shit still happens, unfortunately.
Kaylynn: You’re telling me!
Kaylynn: But sometimes shit doesn’t stick.
It depends on your diet, really.
Sam: Shit always stinks, though.
Elle: Hey, fuck you too!
Iris: Mornin’ Sam.
Sam: Mornin’ Ralph.
Iris: Hi! Is this Alvin?
Iris: This is Iris White! We met the other day! I’m making plans, and wondering if I should include you.
Alvin: Hahaha, sexy! Are they diabolical plans?
Iris: Oh, yes.
Next time: uhh, lesbian sex. Apparently.
So there’s that.