Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every day this week!
#3 of 7! And this one’s actually good.
Alright. This chapter is about Vicki/”Cecilia” again. Let’s make sure you know who that is.
The real Cecilia, alias Daisy White, seems to have left her desktop computer on. And hey, she works for ENTROPY, the evil organization of even more evil! Let’s see what they have to say about Vicki in their top-secret database of top secretness.
Apparently they got their OS customized at the same place the SCIA uses.
There! See? Clear as a European royal family’s bloodline.
Hot chicks prancing around in their underwear.
Well, you write what you know.
“Cecilia”: Mornin’ Chelsea!
Chelsea: Good morning, whoever you’re supposed to be.
“Cecilia”: What’s that supposed to mean?
Chelsea: It means you don’t look like a serial killer to me.
“Cecilia”: Funny you should say that.
Chelsea: What’s that supposed to mean?
Meanwhile, the real Cecilia stole Chelsea’s baby.
Since you’ve already forgotten.
Mayhew: I just thought of the best Iron Chef mystery ingredient.
Chelsea: I wish you’d said that before I started eating.
He did, though.
Chelsea: Yeah, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.
You’re definitely really hard to notice right now, that’s for sure.
Mayhew: I wonder what babies go for on the black market.
Mayhew: Not that there’s a lot of money to be had in this house on that score.
Chelsea: What’s that supposed to mean.
Trying to earn your keep?
“Cecilia”: Trying to get all this Chelsea off of everything. The woman is a slob’s slob.
She hides it well.
Chelsea: You should see all the McDonald’s wrappers I’ve got stuffed in the trunk of this thing.
“Cecilia”: I’m surprised she had any left. I think this entire mattress is composed of them.
There’s some used condoms in there too.
Looks like we’re going to have two missing babies soon.
Mulder will blame aliens.
“Cecilia”: Look William, we’re not having this conversation again. You’re a super spy. If you want to know who I am, I’m sure there are some laws you can break to find out.
“Cecilia”: No, I think I’m gonna stay here for a while. No, I will not move in with you! The last time I moved in with a married man in that exact same house, oops crackle crackle you’re fading out.
It’s okay. He wasn’t living there at the time. He probably doesn’t remember.
“Cecilia”: Also he’s kind of stupid sometimes.
William: I’m still here.
Muse: .oO(SO AM I)
“Cecilia”: Anyway, the evil secret agents sealed all my files. You’ll just have to wait until I feel like telling you.
William: How long will that take?
“Cecilia”: Depends on when the next goddamn storyline starts. We’re holding the line here.
“Cecilia”: We have been for a while now.
NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
“Cecilia”: Why don’t you focus on something worthwhile, like finding out what’s keeping that boring chick in the pink dress from getting smote by the Maker.
William: At least she puts out. That’s more than I can say for some people.
“Cecilia”: Hey, fuck you.
Mayhew: Does Chelsea know you use her phone?
“Cecilia”: Does she know you masturbate with her socks?
Mayhew: She might think it’s toe jam.
“Cecilia”: I had to call you back so you can hear this noise the butler made me make.
“Cecilia”: Anyway, you’ve got a lot of nerve talking about us having sex. What would the world think if they caught you boning someone they think is your sister?
William: The part of me that isn’t my penis is worried about that, but that part is way too hard to please.
“Cecilia”: Like father like son.
Mayhew: Nope. Not happening.
Mayhew: There’s only room for one thief in this house.
Sandy: How do you know I’m a thief?
Mayhew: Because nobody would pay good money for that dress.
Mayhew: Did daddy make a burn? Did daddy make a sweet sweet burn?!
Muse: .oO(Take me with you.)
Chelsea: I can’t believe nobody told me I had a soda straw on my sole all day.
I don’t know what this joke is supposed to mean.
Explain it to me if you figure it out.
Muse: .oO(At least you have a sole.)
Chelsea: Not even gonna go there.
Chelsea: Okay Dylan, you’re old enough. It’s makeup and tiara time.
Chelsea: Or you could just be kidnapped or something.
It’s the right choice.
Chelsea: Wait… is she actually kidnapped?!
And it seemed like such a nice neighbourhood, too!
Mayhew: Spontaneous erection.
Mayhew: Ah, that explains it. Didn’t hear you come in.
Chelsea: Have you seen my baby girl?!
Mayhew: I am not going to look at your stupid baby pics. Keep your phone in your bra or wherever it goes in that outfit.
Chelsea: I think someone kidnapped Dylan!
Mayhew: I hope they give her a real girl’s name, at least.
Chelsea: I really need your help here!
Mayhew: I never get mixed up in someone else’s evil schemes. I expect the same courtesy from them.
Chelsea: This is shaping up badly.
Muse: .oO(Oh boy.)
Chelsea: WAS IT YOU, “CECILIA”? DID YOU PUT MY POOR SWEET BABY DYLAN IN A SUITCASE AND SELL HER FOR BAD ORANGE HAIR DYE?!?!
“Cecilia”: The expensive stuff doesn’t carry the colour I want! Bitch!
“Cecilia”: And anyway, if somebody stole your baby, maybe it’s because you never lock the front door!
Chelsea: WELL EXCUSE ME FOR DREAMING THAT A SEXY VAGABOND WILL BREAK INTO MY HOUSE AND MAKE LOVE TO ME IN THE NIGHT, BITCH!
“Cecilia”: Did you even look to see if she’s in another room yet? Or did you just immediately leap to the most dramatic conclusion?
Chelsea: I HAD A MINOR IN DRAMA OKAY
Chelsea: She’s not making love to another baby in the shower…
Was that a possibility?
Chelsea: Well, she is my daughter.
Chelsea: She’s not using the Twitter account I set up for her…
Not even gonna ask.
Chelsea: She’s not trapped in the housemate ghetto…
Chelsea: …let’s put a pin in this possibility.
Chelsea: She’s not admiring my boss pink wallpaper…
Chelsea: …or my bronze bathroom fittings.
Kids today. No taste at all.
Luckily I have hot sauce.
Chelsea: I THINK GOD ATE MY BABY
“Cecilia”: Hey… don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not that! Something ridiculously awful, sure, but not that.
Chelsea: THIS IS WHY MOM NEVER LET ME HAVE A WOMRAT
Chelsea: And now she’s got one.
Chelsea: I BET SHE LOVES HIM MORE THAN SHE LOVES MEEEEEEE
“Cecilia”: Hey, calm down. We’ll call James Bond and he’ll shoot his way to a solution for you.
Chelsea: He does so love shooting people, it’s true.
Chelsea: How do I tell everyone I lost my baby?
“Cecilia”: If they really know you, they won’t be surprised.
“Cecilia”: Come on Billy, stop playing Bejeweled and answer the phone already.
Chelsea: Someone stole my baby!
Operator: Why are you whispering?
Chelsea: Because I don’t want to announce to the whole goddamn town that babies are all-you-can-grab at Chelsea’s house, that’s why!
Chelsea: There are other things I’d prefer that they grab.
Dispatcher: Unit 4, we’ve got a probable crank call from #13 Main Street West. You wanna check it out?
Catalina: Sure! I’ve always wanted to tell her how much I hate that duet album she made with her mom.
Catalina: “We’re Two Hot Redheads And You’re Not Even One” was a good single, though.
Catalina: Shouldn’t you be screening visitors? Isn’t that a thing that butlers do?
Mayhew: She doesn’t know that. Don’t give her any ideas.
Catalina: Look, lady, nobody can steal babies. Not since they patched it so visitors can’t walk off with them and residents can’t put them in the trash compactor.
Chelsea: But she’s gone.
Catalina: Have you considered the possibility that she was never here? You seem really dumb, maybe it was just a raccoon that got trapped upstairs or something.
Catalina: Or maybe a raccoon got trapped upstairs and ate your baby. In which case you want Animal Control. Which is just normal cops still, but we bill you for a second visit anyway.
Chelsea: So you’re not going to help?
Catalina: I’ll tell you if I hear anything. Although I should warn you, I intend to plug my ears and hum if anyone brings it up.
Chelsea: I FORGOT THAT COPS ARE BAAAAD
Chelsea: ANDREW! Someone stole my baby! I need you to come over right now!
Andrew: Hell yes! When the brat’s away, the bitch will play.
Chelsea: Hey, Cam. Could you come over? Wait… how come you didn’t get the message from Andrew?
Cameron: Because you dialed the secret “come over and fuck me behind your wife’s back” line you guys don’t think I know about.
William: Are you sure these anti-jealousy potions work?
Andrew: We’ll know they do if we suddenly stop hating each other for a bit.
William: Damn! That’s some straight-up badass science there, buddy.
William: So when Chelsea inevitably macks on one of us, the other one won’t get mad now?
Andrew: Not until we remember it later.
William: That’s fine, Melanie loves it when we anger-fuck.
Andrew: Science to the rescue in the nick of time, yet again.
Eventually there won’t be any amount of science that can keep all these love octagons from collapsing.
I’m looking forward to that part.
Ember: Hey honey. No hard feelings?
Bradley: Are you kidding? With that fitted suit you’re wearing? I’m all hard feelings.
Ember: I mean, you’re not mad at me for coming back to life and dumping you for Stephen, right?
Bradley: What? Fuck no, I’d dump me too.
Chelsea: We all would, dad. We all would.
Bradley: Why do you walk like that?
William: Look behind you.
There’s enough chemistry going around right now to fill half a Breaking Bad episode.
Less cancer, too! So that’s nice.
William: Fancy meeting you here.
“Cecilia”: Don’t get any ideas.
William: You kidding? I’ve got a portfolio already.
Bradley: That girl is two girls’ worth of yes.
Ember: I’m so sorry, honey. I know what it’s like to lose a child.
Chelsea: Forgetting which room in the mansion was mine doesn’t count, mom.
“Cecilia”: I prefer Ember’s music to Chelsea’s. Chelsea’s is too… not any good, and also naked a bunch.
Andrew: What are you, like, ninety?
Why are you walking like that still? To the washroom of all places?
William: I’m trying not to touch the insides of my underwear until I can change it. Too many hot women at once, I really had no control.
Andrew: People had stopped listening to Ember by the time I was in college. At least she had the decency to get hit with an axe before she started really going downhill.
Ember: Tell me more about how I’m old and dated.
Chelsea: Come on, sis. Don’t be mad about all those times I’m awful.
William: What do you want to talk about, Andy?
Andrew: We have nothing in common.
William: Hey now, that’s not true.
William: We both want to fuck your wife.
Andrew: Can’t you stop being an asshole for one night? We need to present a united front behind Chelsea.
William: I’ll get behind her, all right, but there won’t be any room for you lot back there.
Bradley: A daring move, my friend.
Nick: Do you need to be crazy while I’m poopin’, mister?
Chelsea: Ew, mom, don’t. That’s gross.
“Cecilia”: No, she’s right.
Chelsea: HOW DID MY KIDNAPPED BABY PARTY BECOME ABOUT CAPTAIN SPARKLES
William: He already said he was sorry all over your upstairs bathroom.
Ember: Honey! Don’t cry!
William: You would not believe how much dorksnot fits inside that guy.
Ember: Come on, Andrew! Can’t you do some science stuff and find my poor lost granddaughter?
Andrew: You want someone with a degree in baby science. I mostly do chemistry.
Cameron: We used to do chemistry together.
Ember: Well figure something out anyway, I’m no good at this actually-being-a-mother stuff.
“Cecilia”: This is turning into a farce. I thought you guys were supposed to be heroes or something.
Andrew: HEROES GET DAYS OFF TOO.
Chelsea: GYPSIES TOOK MY BABY
Ember: How do you know it was gypsies?
Chelsea: WHO ELSE TAKES BABIES
Bradley: The other day our butler offered to take our babies, no questions asked.
William: That’s when you start asking questions, Bradley.
Ember: Chelsea said Cameron was out here, but I definitely don’t see anyone with my style or genetics around.
Andrew: Soft and squishy!
Chelsea: DAUGHTER STILL MISSING
Chelsea: Sis! You came!
Cameron: I see I’m not the only one.
Chelsea: Somebody took my darling!
Cameron: I blame that guy you were living with.
Chelsea: Peter’s dead!
Cameron: So you’re saying he hasn’t denied it, then?
Cameron: So how come you didn’t tell me Chelsea needed our help?
Andrew: I’m sure I can think up a totally innocent reason if you give me a minute.
Mayhew: This one goes to eleven.
William: Maybe it was aliens. We haven’t done aliens yet.
“Cecilia”: Thank god we’ve got our best men on this.
Andrew: I don’t know anything about baby-finding.
Ember: Pathetic. I can’t believe my daughters would let you put your weak little penis into their fabulous vaginas.
Andrew: What makes you think I’m doing both of them?
Ember: I just assumed. Chelsea’s a big ho.
Cameron: You know, not everyone in the world thinks my sister is hotter than me.
Ember: That’s true! Some people like squirrel voices, and some of them are bound to be blind!
Bradley: I wanna flick your nipples.
Chelsea: I want to explore all possible avenues here. Can we consult Captain Sparkles?
William: I can feel him stirring down there. He definitely has something to share with you.
“Cecilia”: Flick your own nipples, dammit!
Chelsea: Step into my office, gentlemen.
“Cecilia”: Yes! Get out of my sight, you pervy old douchebag!
Chelsea: I was referring to William and his trouser wyrm.
Chelsea: Sorry about this, buddy, but you’ve got to learn some time.
William: My hand is stuck like this.
Chelsea: I’m sure you can one-hand it. You’re probably an expert by now.
Mayhew: Are we sure she’s not just making it up? I bet she flushed the damn thing.
Cameron: Hurry up. We need to test a theory.
William: Okay, I’m sort of worried now.
Chelsea: It’s not like your important limb is acting up.
William: Sure, but I prefer to manipulate my vaginas with all three.
William: Hey, play something romantic would you.
Mayhew: So this dude here says his sister is totally a drama queen. I say we call the whole thing a hoax.
Ember: He’s just mad because his husband is probably cheating on him.
Cameron: He is not! AND I’M NOT A DUDE!
Cameron: We should hang out more often, mom. So you’ll stop talking shit about me all the time.
Ember: Or at least I could acquire some new material!
Mayhew: AHAHAHAHA I JUST NOTICED YOUR HAIR
“Cecilia”: Is your laundry recyclable, or just waste?
Mayhew: I’m a big fan of that song you have that just drones on and on for five minutes without accomplishing anything.
Ember: I’m not sure what song that is.
Mayhew: Right? Because it’s all of them.
Mayhew: I’d totally still put my dick in your mouth, though.
Ember: I’ll think about it.
Andrew: Man, now I will, too.
“Cecilia”: Hey Mrs. Fox-Murphy!
Ember: You’re… not my daughter, right?
How are you…
…with that suit on…
Cameron: Actually, I’m emptying its built-in septic tank.
Cameron: While I test out this antigravity newspaper.
Chelsea: Thanks big guy. I feel a little better now.
William: I’m willing to keep trying!
Chelsea: With these guys on my side, I’m bound to get Dylan back!
As long as I don’t completely forget to follow through!
And what are the chances of that?
Chelsea: Thanks for coming, dad. I really appreciate it.
Bradley: Honestly? I thought this was my house.
William: Guess who developed an infuriating new affectation today? This guy.
Mayhew: Look. I told you. I didn’t see anything.
Andrew: Then why does everything you say sound like it should end with “Mr. Bond”?
Bradley: This is all so familiar!
“Cecilia”: You used to live here.
Bradley: Oh shit! Wow! I totally forgot that! How did you know.
“Cecilia”: Definitely not because I used to be your neighbour.
Ember: I appreciate the moral support, guys, but I’ve been shitting on my own for decades now.
William: One of you leave so I can mack on the other one!
Cameron: Yeah, mom, take off.
Ember: I have seniority, dear.
Cameron: I need to discuss things with William.
Ember: The way Andrew came over to discuss things with your sister?
“Cecilia”: That’s disgusting!
Bradley: Is it? I’ve already forgotten what I said.
“Cecilia”: I’m sick and tired of your stupid family! You’re a senile old prick, your daughters are airheads, and I feel really guilty about your ex-wife for reasons!
“Cecilia”: REASONS I CAN’T FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT.
Chelsea: So, are we gonna start discussing soon?
Andrew: Wait until my wife leaves, at least.
Chelsea: Oh sure, pretend we both don’t have a discovery danger fetish.
Chelsea: Nobody is trying to find my daughter. You’re all just having these stupid interaction vignettes.
Bradley: What did you expect? You invited like half the main cast over here.
“Cecilia”: And this dude, too!
Chelsea: EVERYBODY GO AWAY NOW.
Andrew: I just feel like I’m not in control of my life anymore.
Ember: So it’s not your fault you’re watching me shit?
Andrew: Man, fuck Ember.
William: I’m on it!
Andrew: I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, honey. Your sister’s really upset.
Cameron: I accept this creaky excuse!
William: Dammit, don’t start getting along again! I almost had all the leverage I need!
Andrew: You know I’d never cheat on you, honey.
Bradley: I would.
Bradley: You’re alright, kid.
Mayhew: You’re only saying that because he finds your genetics attractive.
William: I’m more interested in the other half right now.
Ember: The other half reciprocates.
Cameron: So, do you have any ideas?
Andrew: Yeah, but I need to grease it up first, it’s getting stiff.
Cameron: I was talking about the Chelsea thing.
Andrew: Me too! Wait. Wait. No, wait.
You look pretty relaxed for someone who just had their child kidnapped.
Chelsea: It’s in good hands now.
Mayhew: Of all my evil secret agent gadgets, I think I like the x-ray specs best.
You’re an evil secret agent?
Mayhew: At what point exactly did your story get away from you?
Cameron: LIKE IMMEDIATELY
Andrew: Pretty much!
Cameron: I WONDER WHAT I’LL LEARN ABOUT MYSELF TOMORROW
You’ve always seemed like an inveterate buttsexer to me.
Ember: The young Sims get all the cool hobbies these days.
Chelsea: Where’s William? I thought he was gonna watch me take a bath.
Ember: He was watching me on the can instead.
Chelsea: WE’RE SO ALIKE
Chelsea: We should record another album together.
Ember: Or a nude photoshoot.
Chelsea: A nude concert tour?
Ember: I’m so proud of you, Chelsea.
Bradley: Me too. A little skeeved out, but proud nevertheless.
Andrew: Easy there! You don’t want to poke a hole in the suit!
Cameron: There’s already one hole in a relevant place, if you’re up for it.
William: Nah, I’m into slow sex these days. My pelvis couldn’t take much more pounding.
William: And Captain Sparkles got my scrotum to unionize, so my hands are tied.
Mayhew: You’re a threat to society.
William: My only crime is ladykilling! And jaywalking.
Mayhew: And public indecency.
William: This isn’t a public place.
Mayhew: You’d never know it from how many dudes walk in and out on a regular basis.
William: Cool party, Chel! Depressing theme though.
Andrew: I refuse to look at that thought bubble.
That’s for the best.
Chelsea: Make sure my dad’s not still wandering around outside. Sometimes he forgets he’s not a hobo.
Chelsea: Bye sis!
Cameron: Actually, I was thinking we could have a slumber party!
Chelsea: Sure! At your house! I’ll sleep here though.
Cameron: Are you coming, Andrew?
Chelsea: He will be.
Chelsea: Your options are right here or three feet that way. I can’t wait any longer than that.
Andrew: The latter, please. I want to make you work for it at least a little bit.
Bradley: AM I WEARING SOMETHING OF YOURS?
Chelsea: Thanks for being here, Andrew.
Andrew: You can always count on me. Unless you marry me, in which case I guess I’ll probably betray you.
Bradley: Goddamn bitch! Telling me not to flick her nipples and implying I’m not a main character!
Bradley: I bet nothing else could make me angrier right now.
Muse: .oO(What if they started completely ignoring you?)
Chelsea: Uh-oh! I’m starting to feel something down there! What’s his name?
Andrew: He hasn’t got one.
Andrew: He’s known by reputation.
Chelsea: Oh, Andrew! We shouldn’t do this.
Chelsea: We should do this!
Chelsea: You’re sure Cameron went home?
Andrew: I think so, her suit was running out of oxygen.
Chelsea: But she wasn’t wearing a helmet!
Andrew: They make them really transparent these days, it’s true.
Chelsea: If I knew it would get me laid so much, I’d have had someone kidnap my daughter a long time ago!
Andrew: I’m glad you’ve still got your priorities straight, honey.
Aren’t you worried about carpet burn?
Chelsea: I lubed up the carpet ahead of time.
Andrew: That’s actually pretty gross.
Chelsea: Hey, you’re not the one who’s laying in it.
We’re getting there.
More like rear end.
At least the zombies and axe murderers mean that my life isn’t, on average, worse than theirs.
But it’s a really close thing.
Chelsea: Speaking of really close things…
I sure make a lot of dick references for a straight guy.
Andrew: Write what you know.
Chelsea: AAAAGH! Why are you naked and in my house, brother-in-law?!
Chelsea: Just in case Cameron’s spying on us, I wanted plausible deniability.
Andrew: I appreciate how you didn’t extend it to me.
Chelsea: Kiss me, you patsy.
Chelsea: Well I thought it was romantic.
Chelsea: How you doing, buddy? A lot of excitement today, huh?
Chelsea: I wish they’d stolen you instead.
Nick: Me too.
There’s never a wrong time to be mad at Lucas.
Chelsea: Shut up. I’m just angry that “Cecilia” hasn’t tidied up down here yet.
Chelsea: ENOUGH WITH THE PATHETIC FALLACY ALREADY
Chelsea: Hey, a stray cat!
Muse: .oO(Fuck you.)
STOP BEGGING FOR ATTENTION
I’m not sure if it’s possible to cheat on an art exam.
Chelsea: I WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY BABY WENT
I’d suggest dropping it.
Chelsea: YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DROP BABIES
Chelsea: And you can’t drop a baby you don’t have.
This is too sad.
Chelsea: So let’s pretend it didn’t happen!
Next time: if “The Remains of the Day” was a porno.
Or was it already? I never saw it.