Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Regular updates resume in May!
I’m not back.
I just don’t think it’s a good idea to leave that April Fools’ thing at the top of the list until May.
I’m back in May.
Amin: All that padding is going to make you a sissy, kid.
Amin: Welcome to my childhood.
Kent: Did you just dump Emerson on the floor?
Kent: That’s my job.
Andrew: I’m glad my kids are in good hands.
On their way to the good carpet, yeah.
Amin: If you go upstairs, don’t step on whatsisname.
Kent: Oh, but stepping on the butler’s toes, that’s no problem.
Andrew: I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done here since we rescued you from that shithole in the mountains you were living in.
Amin: I’m legitimately touched!
Andrew: HELP I’M BEING ILLEGITIMATELY TOUCHED!
Andrew: Next time you do that, at least wear a condom.
Amin: So how come you asked Cameron to marry you even though she basically got half the neighbourhood killed?
Andrew: Because any good mad scientist knows a promising genetic experiment when they see one.
Andrew: And also it’ll make it harder for her to make a big stink when she discovers how many people I’m cheating on her with.
Amin: I can see you gave this some thought.
Kent: Can you at least tie your pet gorilla up during working hours, Mr. Murphy?
Amin: Your anniversary is coming up, isn’t it?
Andrew: Every day! All our birthdays too. Time is weird in this game.
Amin: I should make you guys my famous “Better Than a Butler’s” sundae.
Amin: Speaking of which, I was gonna make sandwiches for lunch. Grilled cheese with fresh lobster topping okay?
Kent: Hi, Mr. Murphy! I was just doing all the things that balding Wookie was claiming to have done.
Kent: It’s not my fault he wasn’t claiming to have done anything yet.
Amin: How about you fire the butler and let me do a much better job instead?
Andrew: If you can kill him, you can have his job.
Emerson: .oO(PLEASE HURRY)
Andrew: I should hire a live-in maid, too, so that I can have three people neglecting my children.
Amin: Don’t forget to count you and Cameron!
Kent: The best part about letting my eyeglass prescriptions slide is, I have an excuse for my piss-poor scrubbing jobs.
Kent: My chronic earwax build-uppus works similarly for all those work orders I accidentally didn’t hear.
Kent: Oh. How long have you been there?
Andrew: Long enough.
Kent: You wouldn’t happen to have earwax build-uppus, would you?
Andrew: Sometimes I wish I did.
Andrew: Oochie-coochie-oh shit what.
Andrew: I’m really sorry, this was gonna be Amin’s room.
Andrew: You were facing the wrong way anyhow.
Emerson: .oO(It’s about time for my six-hour reprieve, isn’t it?)
Andrew: Your mommy and I have big plans for you, Emerson.
Don’t invest too heavily in them.
Amin: Brunch is ready! Bring your caviar spoons.
Kent: I swear, if they fire me, I’m putting that kid in the oven.
Kent: And then I’m going to eat the rest of them raw.
Kent: And then I’m going to deliver a very critical exit interview.
Tommy: Thank you for trusting me with this information.
Kent: Wow. Next time remind me why I never do any yardwork.
Amin: Bigfoot stock is rising by the minute!
Kent: Don’t make me get my hunting rifle.
Amin: Please make me get my automatic rifle.
Amin: But wait until the lobster thermidor is done, okay? It has a very specific burning point.
Kent: So do I.
Cameron: It’s amphibious.
And you’re amfabulous.
And at least a little bit ambarassing.
Cameron: I am okay with it.
Rich white people get away with so much shit.
Andrew: Read any good books lately?
Amin: I can’t read.
Andrew: Sometimes I forget you’re an illiterate ape-man.
Amin: I’m not illiterate, I’m hyperliterate. Your shallow one-dimensional literature is just so enervating that I get my kicks from less prosaic activities these days.
Andrew: Like shooting people.
Amin: Like shooting people.
Rodney: THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF YOU
Amin: I’ve been meaning to tell you. I think your wife has the hots for me. I can’t be held accountable for my ravishing good looks and ineffable charm.
Andrew: It’s hard for real Sims to compete with animal magnetism, to be sure.
Cameron: Please stop being racist, honey.
Amin: She totally wants my dick.
Andrew: I’ll clone it for her. She can keep it in her hope chest.
Cameron: This is just how I imagined myself looking when I was a kid! In that alternate timeline where I was going to become a freak.
Andrew: I think we should get a kitty.
Amin: I’m more interested in getting some pussy.
Cameron: Alright boys, women are here, time to fake maturity.
Kenya: When are you gonna start faking maturity?
I do that every week. I’m a teacher!
Kenya: Oh no, somebody stole my ass!
Nathaniel: It was nice talking to you, buddy, but hos before bros.
Kenya: Did your brother just call me a ho?
Angelica: You’re lucky he called you anything, you filthy NPC. Our parents told us never to consort with townies.
Nathaniel: Which has made cheating on my homework a real bitch, let me tell you.
Angelica: What? I have never been fucking absent!
Sure you were. You aged up from toddlerhood at like one in the afternoon, and missed your first day.
Angelica: HOW WAS THAT MY FIRST DAY
ASK THE PROGRAMMERS
Andrew: I was thinking of making a robot.
Cameron: For tutoring our kids?
Andrew: No, for talking to Amin.
Nathaniel: Hello there, future wife! Have you had time to consider my proposals from earlier today?
Kenya: This entire topic of conversation is probably illegal.
Kenya: And I don’t know where you got your information from, kid, but vaginal bleach is definitely not a thing.
Nathaniel: Well I’m not gonna make babies with you if you’re gonna insist on poor hygeine.
Kenya: Thank you for giving me a way out.
Nathaniel: Listen chick, you play ball with me, I’ll play ball with you. Like, in a literal sense.
Kenya: I love balls!
Angelica: So I’m supposed to… sit on that one thing… and put stuff on that other thing, and, like… spend most of my life staring at it?
I have a great deal of difficulty convincing myself it makes sense, too.
Andrew: Maybe we could adopt a baby robot.
Amin: I don’t think robots can have babies.
Andrew: THANKS FOR THE TECH SUPPORT, UNCLE JED.
Angelica: Strike out, buddy?
Nathaniel: We were playing catch, not baseball. God, girls are so dumb.
Kenya: Hey, look, the sky faucets are leaking again!
Angelica: Hm. Jean shorts. Do you do a lot of tree climbing?
Kenya: Hell yes!
Angelica: Play with dolls?
Kenya: I prefer army men.
Angelica: Who’s better: One Direction or Sam Roberts?
Kenya: Roberts all the way!
Angelica: So, you gonna tell him you’re a lesbian, or should I?
Andrew: I gave you co-authorship on the article, since it was all about your gross physiology and you screamed a lot less than most of our experimental subjects.
Cameron: Aww! That’s so sweet!
Nathaniel: Can you help me with my science project, or should I just bring mommy in?
Kent: I just want you make sure you understand this: baby brains are very small and tasteless.
Cameron: I’m not a zombie anymore, Kent.
Kent: Huh? I just mean you shouldn’t have any more, because they don’t fry up as well as you would think.
Angelica: Why are you putting Emerson on the floor?
Cameron: Because the butler is a cannibal, and he thinks I’m a cannibal, and I want to call the cops before he does, and I don’t have time to walk to the crib.
Andrew: So the essence of science is realizing impossibility, then theorizing possibility. But also sometimes it’s testing toothpaste on gerbils. Because grant money.
Angelica: Anyway, that girl Nathaniel is trying to get arrested is probably a muff diver, so we’re all clear on that front.
Cameron: You became foul and incomprehensible much more quickly than I’d anticipated.
Angelica: You fuckers made this world. I just live in it.
Kenya: I never considered whether I might be gay or not before.
You aren’t, until a girl flirts with you. Then you’re a bit gay. But if a dude flirts with you after, you become asexual again.
Kenya: Oh, oh, I get it now. It’s just like Gigli.
Angelica: You’re some kind of water hippie, right? Can you help me with my biology homework?
Kent: You should just dissect that lesbian chick. Nobody saw her come in.
Angelica: We’ll call that “Plan B.”
Cameron: Let’s not even assign it a letter.
Cameron: Unless the “B” stands for “Bad.”
Angelica: Nope. I know all about your past, mom. Any plans made with you are automatically bad. There’s no point taking special notice of it.
Nathaniel: I don’t think we should have to do homework until we know we’re going to survive teenhood.
Andrew: It’s important that you study, Nathaniel. You don’t want to end up like this guy.
Pierce: I’m a visual gag!
Kent: Did somebody ask for a gag? Because I can go get my briefcase.
Andrew: Seriously Kent, I’m trying to teach Nathaniel about the world.
Kent: Then how come he’s not crying yet?
Andrew: Because I’m teaching him the wildly inaccurate, over-optimistic, and hegemonically-approved version that all comes crashing down when you reach maturity.
You can’t properly rage against the machine until you’ve read its instruction manual!
Amin: Don’t worry too hard about the schizo butler, or your zombie mommy, or Dr. Frankenstein, or my machine gun fetish. Odds are, when you kick off, it’ll be something even more absurd you won’t see coming at all.
Kent: Oh no! I’d better use the baby as a wrench.
Andrew: On the off chance you heard that, I want you to understand that even crazy butlers cost lots and lots of money.
Headmaster Kevin: And that’s all I care about!
Andrew: So, do you want a tour of the house?
Headmaster Kevin: Sure! I can’t wait to see how it’s changed since I was here last!
Andrew: You’ve been in my house before?
Headmaster Kevin: Sure! When you and your brother got admitted. How is Kyle, anyway?
Andrew: …he turned into a vampire and died. LIKE A HUNDRED YEARS AGO. How old are you?
Headmaster Kevin: Old enough that I’m a headmaster outside of fucking England.
Andrew: What do you feed an eldritch abomination, Amin?
Andrew: That’s the same thing you feed us.
Amin: I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
Headmaster Kevin: Can I challenge your dog-man to a duel?
Andrew: I think you just did.
Headmaster Kevin: HAW HAW HAW! You hired a clown to entertain me!
Andrew: She’s… not a clown, Kevin.
Headmaster Kevin: Oh! Oh. Then she must be a lesbian.
Kenya: So how come I woke up today in an alternate universe where society has predetermined my sexual orientation for me?
Andrew: What’s alternate about that?
Andrew: Seriously though, you can be anything you want to be. It’s a world full of possibilities and choice, Kenya, and your future is what you make of it.
Andrew: HAW HAW HAW
Cameron: Who’s the spicy hunk of man-flesh?
Andrew: Dammit Cameron, you’re supposed to be in your underwear when you compliment him! And also don’t call him that, he knows you used to be a zombie.
Angelica: Everybody knows she used to be a zombie. The kids at school can’t tell whether or not to make fun of me or beg for their lives.
Andrew: Did you try telling them your daddy is a famous mad scientist?
Angelica: No, because then they’d just take the first option.
Headmaster Kevin: Oh, wow! You’ve got kids!
Andrew: …who did you think was applying to private school?
Headmaster Kevin: I didn’t. I just thought you were inviting me over to thank me for your own education.
Andrew: I’ve got news for you, buddy: nobody is grateful for education anymore.
Headmaster Kevin: FUCK YEAH! WOO!
Andrew: The bookcase? For its intellectual associations?
Headmaster Kevin: The bookcase! For its IKEA associations! I like IKEA.
Angelica: Oh yeah? I like sleep.
Cameron: Don’t be rude to the headmaster, Angelica.
Angelica: It’s all that keeps me going.
Headmaster Kevin: Then you’d better let her do it, since she’s apparently going to bed at five in the afternoon.
Cameron: Oh, hey Andrew! You know how the presidents of all the countries in the world were coming over for dinner tonight? They had to cancel because they were afraid Headmaster Kevin would overshadow them and seduce all their wives! And it’s too bad because Angelica was going to grill them for her valedictorian speech.
Andrew: Wow! That story says a lot about how prestigious and respectable our family is! Haha!
Angelica: Tell the SimCanadian one I won’t see him until he does something about Justin Bieber and Nickelback.
Nathaniel: DAAAAD! You know I hate it when you walk in on me doing WAY TOO MUCH SCHOOL ALL AT ONCE!
Headmaster Kevin: I’d better accept your kids before they do all the school there is!
Headmaster Kevin: Why are you preventing your son from sitting at the desk?
Nathaniel: BECAUSE IT BUILDS CHARACTER AND KIDS TODAY ARE TOO SOFT AS IT IS! Also discipline or something.
Um… you’re serving re-heated lobster?
Andrew: Fuck no! I brought home my plutonium oven from work for Amin to use. These things only just became edible without complete and total self-immolation swiftly following, and that’s only thanks to my time-travelling fridge!
Headmaster Kevin: Time-travelling fridge?
Andrew: It comes back all frosty for some reason. It’s got a short useable lifespan, though, because eventually it stops icing up completely.
Amin: Oh, have you met Nairobi? She’s not applying to your school because she’s an entire country all at once.
Kenya: My name is Kenya.
Headmaster Kevin: Wow! So you’re two countries?!
Nah, it’s going well, we don’t need any prostitutes.
Or maybe we need them desperately.
Headmaster Kevin: Oh, so, hey, did you guys prepare the customary sack of cash for me? I need it to pay for my prostitutes.
Amin: I’ve got an empty sack. I’ll answer the door and get you a local prostitute.
I see this acceptance is really important to you guys.
Andrew: Kent, could you go get Headmaster Kevin’s bribe, please?
Kent: You’re assuming it hasn’t already secretly become Butler Kent’s bribe.
Andrew: If you stole that money I’m going to lock you in our bomb shelter.
Cameron: I didn’t know we had a bomb shelter. But it does make sense.
Kent: Fine. I wasn’t done laundering it anyway.
Good, because it looks like we’ll need to do a few more loads of laundry tonight.
Kent: Hey hey hey! Look what the ape dragged in.
Amin: It wasn’t a prostitute at all! It was our super boing neighbour Lora.
Andrew: So you invited her in?!
Headmaster Kevin: Would she still have sex with me? Like, for money?
Amin: Yeah, probably.
Lora: I’ll need three references and the cash up-front.
Lora: And never take traveller’s cheques unless you’re sure you know the guy.
Kenya: Does that go for women too? Apparently I might be gay.
Cameron: Honey. Don’t play with your balls at the table.
Headmaster Kevin: Too many balls jokes in one day.
Andrew: Day isn’t over yet.
Andrew: Look man, I let you watch my kids sleep, I let you gawk at some teenage weirdo, and I let a really dull woman come into my house so you can hit on her. We cool?
Headmaster Kevin: Man, we super cool.
Headmaster Kevin: Assuming your cheque clears.
Andrew: Cheque nothing. I took the sack thing seriously.
Headmaster Kevin: My very own sack! And I’m not even a hundred yet.
Kenya: What? No way! I heard that train derailment was an accident!
Amin: That’s because you didn’t see the passenger manifest. Or my orders from the SCIA.
Amin: Or my train derailment kit.
Angelica: Hey dad. Thing happen?
Andrew: Not that you care.
Angelica: Yeah, not really.
Andrew: Hey Chel. Yeah, they got in.
Andrew: Are you sure you and Cameron are actually related?
Lora: Come on, blondie. Let’s hit up the tranny clubs and I’ll teach you about love. And love-transmitted diseases.
Cameron: This neighbourhood is really going to hell.
Yeah, look at the assholes who moved into this house.
Angelica: I resent that. We’re a finely-crafted stew of genetic brilliance. And also Grandpa Bradley, but we don’t talk about that.
Nathaniel: I don’t talk about Grandma Ember either, but it’s because she makes my weiner feel funny.
Cameron: Nice work, Frankenstein.
Andrew: Likewise, you monster you.
Kenya: I come here when it rains sometimes. Because I don’t have a house. And these guys have way too much porch.
I’d believe his school textbooks were like that.
I’ve seen the brainless, entitled little shits we’re turning out these days.
Kenya: I did have a dream once that Captain Kirk took me to Orion to be part of a green slave girl harem.
Lora: And you had sex with him?
Kenya: Yeah, but of course I did, that’s how that show works, I could still be gay.
Kenya: Plus I fucked all the slave girls too.
Nathaniel: So apparently this was the best time ever to come outside.
Nathaniel: We still on for marriage once I’m old enough? Providing you haven’t gotten ugly and grody and twenty by then?
Kenya: Sure! I might need a sperm donor, after all.
Nathaniel: That sounds way cooler than being a husband.
You know, you do have to work early tomorrow.
Amin: Yeah, but we used up all the lobster already. I need to stick some more in the oven.
Amin: Speaking of needs, and sticking things, in ovens…
Angelica: That’s a new one on me. How come it’s usually only an oven when you’re pregnant?
Lora: Because most men hate the idea of sticking their penis into one.
Amin: What can I say? He’s an adventurous little bugger, mine.
Lora: This bathroom is draining all of my energy.
That’s just the overhead vent you’re feeling. Turn the fan off.
Amin: But turn me on! ‘cuz I’m a fan. Of you.
Angelica: He dies for that one eventually, right?
Amin: I see the dumbass butler of Main Street didn’t do his fucking job today.
Amin: These candles are metaphorical. I think. You’re not actually thirty, right?
Amin: Oh! Hey! Four! I never noticed that before.
Amin: We can’t eat the cake now. That confetti got all over, and I have no idea where it comes from.
Amin: It’s probably too rich for you anyway.
Amin: You’re getting pretty good with those subversive captions.
And at complimenting myself via puppetry, too!
Amin: Alright kid, here we are. Your home. The floor.
Emerson: BIGFOOT! BIGFOOT!
Amin: Don’t say that out loud! The army just thinks I’m Italian.
Emerson: GO AWAY BUT PICK ME UP
Amin: …I hate this thing.
Just leave it to raise itself like all the rest.
Andrew: I’m posing gracefully so Penny can see how hot I am.
And slamming your door really loudly so she wakes up in time.
Andrew: It’s called multitasking.
Andrew: Hi! Who are you, again?
Andrew: If I’m a bad enough father, you won’t feel bad disintegrating me like I did when I disintegrated my dad.
Andrew: Not that I’m proposing dad disintegration as, like, a family tradition or anything.
Andrew: But it’s not like you know how to disintegrate people in the first place, is it? Eh?
Andrew: So WORK ON YOUR SCIENCE.
Andrew: And maybe some day you can help me figure this fucking thing out.
Andrew: Hm. Cameron already agreed to handle the biology homework. I feel like this should qualify.
Andrew: This is a lot like supervising undergrads, actually.
It must be, I recognize that face.
Andrew: Let me enrich you.
Emerson: .oO(I’m too tired.)
Definitely an undergrad.
Andrew: I wish intelligence was genetic.
It is. He was just playing dead so you’d go away.
Andrew: Hey baby mommy. Wanna make another baby?
Cameron: Alright, that settles it.
Cameron: I’m an unofficial lesbian now.
I can’t say it doesn’t suit you.
Angelica: You need to start wearing a shirt.
Angelica: And maybe a bag over your head.
It’s like the “descent of man,” only more pessimistic.
The American Dream.
Guys, wash your kid.
He’s got zeds stuck in his hair.
Cameron: I’m playing hard-to-get.
Cameron: Alright kid, climb in. We’re playing kangaroo.
Cameron: Now we’re simulating zero-g yoga!
Angelica: Daddy’s still in bed.
Nathaniel: Isn’t he gonna see us off to school?
Cameron: I’m sure he’s thinking about you, kids. In his dreams.
Angelica: If you’re good, I’ll tell you a ridiculous story I heard about grandma.
Okay, wait, that doesn’t…
Nathaniel: I’m taking the garbage out!
Kent: How appropriate!
See you later, Sailor Mercury.
Nathaniel: What do I look like?
I dunno. I never look directly at you.
Andrew: Chelsea? I thought we agreed it was too dangerous for you to call here. I thought we’d agreed to use smoke signals.
Andrew: You should come over sometime soon, so we can fuck. Let’s use the pretense of my anniversary!
Andrew: I’m like a family man plus.
Kent: Why did you bother with all this?
Kent: You’ll just have to send it all back when he inevitably dies.
Kent: I’m just saying, the cost of paying me to make their beds is more than their lives are worth.
I dunno. Nerd chicks are sort of at a premium these days.
Kent: Not when you’ve got a nerd bigfoot!
He’s not a nerd. He’s a lunatic.
Amin: Don’t think I didn’t see you move, buddy. Your number’s up.
Can’t you do something normal? Like, maybe try to catch Penny dressing in front of the window?
Amin: Pfft. I’ll just wait for Andrew to go over there and seduce her again. That way I can at least tape it for blackmail purposes.
Your affairs are getting pretty dangerous lately.
Andrew: Yeah, it’s much worse than when I was dating an SCIA secretary and crushing on a zombie I was experimenting on.
Andrew: What’s really dangerous is all this not using a condom I’ve been doing lately.
Emerson: .oO(I’m unwanted!)
Like all middle-class white households, this one is swiftly becoming a monument to childhood mediocrity.
Andrew: In my day, children spontaneously combusted or got eaten by zombies.
Andrew: And we liked it!
Andrew: You ready to seize the day, kid? Make something of your life?
Andrew: Didn’t think so.
There. See why it took me so many months to find something to say about these people?
Next time: I consciously attempt to shorten the boring parts.
Results may vary.