The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 115

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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Turns out waiting at the dentist for like five hours really helps you catch up on your work.

If you can call this work.

And you can.

Richard: .oO(When I learn to talk, I’m calling the Social Worker.)

Kendra: Don’t know what his problem is, I’m providing for him like fuck!

Kendra: With fucking. Hey Andrew! Wanna come over? For fucking?

Kendra: I thought you might.

Andrew: Ever since Cameron got Kendra’s haircut I’ve fantasized that I’m fucking a shapeshifter.

That hasn’t happened yet.

Andrew: A time-travelling shapeshifter.


Andrew: Thank god we’re not swingers, though. This way I’m cheating on my wife, but I don’t have to explain my stupid fetishes to her.

Kendra: One of the police chiefs got his ass kicked.

Kendra: By a greaser.

Andrew: What’s that got to do with pushing me down the stairs?

Kendra: Sorry, I forgot. That’s the police chief’s fetish.

Andrew: Yeah, mine’s a much more healthy one. Adultery.

Andrew: But sex in a tiny money forest is growing on me.

You almost can’t see the vagina for the reified metaphors.

Cheryl: Nobody knows what that word means.

Well they can look it up then.

I like how they always stare at it first, like they’re trying to imagine it tastes like something that is not a penis before they stick it in there.

Kendra: It never really works.

Andrew: It works for me, though. And the customer is always right.

Andrew: Yay! I got 3angrydivorce0 Aspiration Points!

Kendra: You can get your own sad money garden with that!

It’s a real shame she’ll never be voted Entrepreneur of the Year.

Kendra: Nobody gives me credit for my single motherhood either, for some reason.

Andrew: How’s Richard doing?
Kendra: Who cares?

Kendra: I just did Andrew! Are you gonna let your son be cooler than you?!

Stephen: Like that could happen.

Kendra: My hatred for Michael is so strong, I wish it could pay me for sex.

Kendra: Or at least help me scrub my shower wall.

What’re you doing?

Stephen: No sex materialized, so I figure I must be the gardener now.

Kendra: You wanna back the fuck off my money, honey?

Stephen: I’m amazed you find the time to take good care of your kid with all this fucking, Kendra.
Kendra: Oh, it’s very simple actually. I don’t.

Stephen: Child abuse is hot.

Stephen: We have so much in common now! Ask my eight children, six of whom are dead.

Kendra: One of them got eaten by a zombie, right?
Stephen: Four of them did, actually. And then all four got mysteriously axed to pieces.

Kendra: That’s a hell of a leg-opener, I’ve gotta say.

Oddly enough, only Stephen’s kisses ever look like kisses.

Everyone else tries to suck the pores off people’s cheeks.

Kendra: I would not at all prefer that.

Kendra: Your muscles are so tight! Let me relieve some of that tension for you.

Stephen: I know a better way to do that.

Stephen: We’re not bothering the kid, are we?
Kendra: He’s asleep.
Richard: .oO(I’m trying to die, actually.)

Kendra: Did you just try to impregnate me?
Stephen: We Murphys have large broods, because few younglings grow to maturity.

Kendra: You’re lucky you’re the only non-poresucker in town, Stephen.


Kendra: Hi, is this Poppy Whittaker? I hear you’re a lesbian!
Poppy: I’m married to Michael Whittaker now.
Kendra: He’s basically a woman. A big floppy vagina of a woman AND I HATE HIM SO MUCH. Come over here and have sex with me so I can get my female rage erection on.

Poppy: That kind of absurd wordplay deserves some kind of reward.

Poppy: And I deserve a hot black chick kind of reward!

Kendra: Hey, your sister is that movie star, right?
Poppy: TV, actually!
Kendra: Oh, never mind then. I thought she was someone important.

Kendra: I want to do mind-blowing things to you for revenge.
Poppy: I can’t be out late, Michael needs me to change his pectoral wax every four hours.

Poppy: Speaking of which, what do you use on that ass?

Kendra: I slap it with crotches. During sex.
Poppy: I don’t think Michael would like that.

Kendra: Go to a biker bar, pick up some dudes, bring them home, try it out. But make it a surprise. Maybe a birthday present. He likes things like that.

Poppy: You’re so evil! You remind me of Daisy.

Poppy: Just the other year, this bitch got all mad because I cheated on her with another gender.
Kendra: Bitches! We crazy.

Poppy: Crazy hot.

Kendra: Last time I did this, we cut immediately to sex.

Poppy: I’m more of a segue kind of gal.

Poppy: And also I’m just here as a favour to the Maker. He wants a bunch of excuses to look at your ass.

I almost feel like that ass is its own excuse.

Every man’s fantasy! Apparently.

Admittedly, usually both women are supposed to be attractive.

Poppy: You gonna let him talk to you like that, Kendra?

Stephen: Here, have these nearly dead things.

Poppy: Speaking of which, that sure is a baby on burlap.

Kendra: Child abuse is popular! Everyone loves Bing Crosby.


Kendra: That did seem like a complicated way of signifying a kiss.


I can see why your sister got that nosejob now.

Kendra: Yeah, we need some hot lesbians around here. How did you get that so wrong?

Poppy: I choose to believe I looked better before the car crash.

Hahaha, yeah. You were, like, a totally different person.

Your life might be shit, but the view sure is nice.

Kendra: I’m like Robert Pattinson!

Kendra: Only he probably doesn’t get excited by a hundred bucks.

Kendra: People need to stop talking shit about my parenting skills. I’m building a better life for my son!

Yeah? Because it looks to me like you’re building him a bed covered in dirt.

Ohhh. I get it. You’re making a baby shower.


Kendra: It did get him pretty clean, though. Once the pressure knocked him out and he stopped resisting me.

Kendra: Hey! You’re ugly, you must be gay.

Brandi Bransfield: IT’S JUST A COINCIDENCE

Kendra: Victor Cwik is a stupid dick!

Some people really do not like cops.

Brandi: No, I just really like limericks.

Brandi: And also vaginas.


What are we even doing? Thank god this is just a Tuesday.

Roger: Hi Brandi! Are you a ho now?
Brandi: I was a client here, thank you very much.

Craig: In my dreams.

Kendra: We could make those dreams a reality!
Craig: Unfortunately, in my dreams I can afford it.

Kendra: You’re impotent, right? My schedule’s free today, I’m looking for a challenge.

Jessie: I like a woman who’s turned on my erectile dysfunction. By neccessity.

Kendra: Take me, Jessie! And then I’ll take your money.

Jessie: Who says romance is dead? It just got practical.

And then I got bored and stopped taking pictures.

Surprised it took that long, really.

Next time: a whole new university!

It’s actually pretty awesome.

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