Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!
Missed Tuesday? WELL GO BACK AND FUCKING READ IT.
LiveJournal’s done something incredibly stupid with their ads today, so I can’t properly proofread this. I’ll check it out once the site stops behaving like something from the 90s.
I’m gonna try something new this week, since we’re still on Daisy and it’s confusing as fuck.
So, enjoy the following condescending reminders!
There! You’re still confused, but at least now you know what you’re confused about.
Daisy: Hi, NotSullivan! How’s not being Sullivan treating you?
NotSullivan: Better than the alternative!
Daisy: How much for this stupid?
Daisy: The dark blue dress shows bright white spots in bright black light.
Heidi Fuchs: We need less disgusting code phrases.
Heidi: ShadowKing Freakypants has us canvassing Takemizu and killing people for their hats.
Daisy: That’s what I like about ENTROPY! We take the suggestion box seriously.
Heidi: We used to use axes to mind control people! With axes! We used to be a legit organization of evil!
Daisy: Get with the times, Fuchs! It’s all about stock prices now. Our quarterly reports have shown strong growth ever since we started the whole “Stupid Petty Shit” program.
Heidi: DO I LOOK LIKE STUPID PETTY SHIT
Daisy: Hahaha yeah.
Heidi: You know what I think? I think you got to ShadowKing Freakypants somehow, and compromised his essential dignity.
Daisy: You know what I think? I THINK I’VE GOT YOUR NOSE!
Knut: Man, this is way better! I win every time now!
Daisy: I think it’s time we moved you up to Corporate, Knut. Get you a desk job. Since you’re always sittin’.
Knut: Do we really need more people at Corporate? I hear there’s already a lot.
Daisy: It takes a lot of people to do payroll at a large evil organization. We go through a ton of mooks, and the paperwork piles up.
Daisy: This is why SPECTRE was stupid to hang out in Russia.
Lydia: What do you call this piece of performance art?
Ninja: I’M HIDING
Ninja: From my secret, secret love.
Daisy: You really should have made that an internal monologue.
Ninja: If you wish to learn the secret of teleportation, first you must tell me this: in the face of adversity, which is more important – courage or wisdom?
Ninja: Hot Springs Hotel, Room 4.
Ninja: Anyway just backflip and go poof. That’s all there is to it.
Ninja: I’m still getting that blowjob, right?
Daisy: Sorry, I thought we were talking theoretically.
Ninja: I never should have faltered in my devotion to you, sweet, sweet Local Chef.
Daisy: It’s always comforting when I meet strange, mysterious, and legendary individuals and discover that they’re not a lot less stupid than the cashiers at our convenience store.
Knut: Three at a time! Check it out!
Daisy: Can you do four?
Knut: Nope! I broke all the other ones trying to do three.
Tish: I can’t see what I’m thinking.
Tish: But it was probably something unflattering.
Daisy: Remind me to forget about you, once you’re dead.
Daisy: Keep chasin’ that dream, Knut.
Knut: They tried to kick me out, but I told them I was wired to blow.
Daisy: This entire country blows. I’m gonna dig holes in it and steal its shit.
Daisy: Or maybe there’s nothing but bones and I’m just gonna go home.
Tour Guide: Thanks for visiting, please come again! Those weird secret agent people don’t wreck up the place so bad when they think you’re watching them.
Hmm, that shot looks a bit more competent.
Must have taken it accidentally.
Daisy: Aww, that’s nice. My trapped zombies left the light on for me.
They’ve accomplished so much in your absence.
Daisy: This nose really isn’t doing it for me anymore.
Yeah, I really don’t see how you could ever play your former self on TV.
Daisy: It’s less about the looks and more about the attitude. The reviewers all say they really believe I want to cut them up with axes!
Daisy: That said, I’m tired of looking like fat Barbara Streisand.
Good thinking, Grugly!
Judge the nose job with a frontal shot.
Well holy shit.
Where’s all this competency coming from lately?
Daisy: The backflip part is pretty doable…
Daisy: But I’m still having trouble with the poof.
Kaylynn: Me too.
Sullivan: Just because I’m asleep doesn’t mean you can call me a poof.
Kaylynn: I hate it when you hold conversations in your sleep.
Sullivan: I hate it when you breathe.
Kaylynn: Still better than Randy.
God, were you here alone this whole time?!
No, wait, never mind. The zombies were here.
So that’s fine.
Daisy: I forgot about the zombies, actually. I was just hoping she’d learn to feed herself. I’ve seen a few mice around here.
Daisy: Way to not be walking yet, shithead.
You’re supposed to teach her that.
Daisy: If that were true, how would the first Sims learn how to walk?
Easy! They would have been premades, so they’d already know.
Daisy: I’m glad we’re having this fucking stupid bonding experience.
Daisy: OOOOOH, that feels good.
Daisy: Drink your bottled Lucas piss, I’m getting ten bucks a bottle.
Dylan Kelsey: .oO(DEHYDRATION FOR ME, PLEASE)
Daisy: You can both feel free to shut the fuck up.
Daisy: I dunno about this, it seems like a big investment.
Tell me you’re not bringing Lucas back.
Daisy: Nah, the tanks are full for now.
Daisy: Yeah, sure, put her on. Hey! It’s me. Cecilia! Yeah! Awesome, you? Wow. Wow, that’s harsh. What are you even doing in hell? Is it a sin to get serial killed or something? Oh. Really? I didn’t think kicking garbage cans was that bad. Huh. So yeah, about how you got serial killed! The serial killer is pretending to be me. And I’m a much better serial killer, so that’s serially pissing me off. Wanna help me serial kill her back?
Daisy: Long time, no see! In fact I still can’t see you.
Daisy: Woof, that dye job really didn’t suit you. Mom.
Laci: HOLY SHIT I’M ALIVE! There’s so many things I can’t wait to do!
Daisy: As long as they involve my secret plot to destroy my brother, that’s cool.
Laci: Where’s Cecilia? I thought she was here.
Daisy: That’s a funny story! And by funny I mean I need to ragefuck every time I think about it.
Daisy: What are you doing.
Laci: Looking for something dramatic, this sounds like it’s gonna be a plot point. We didn’t even have those back in my day.
Daisy: So here’s the scoop, mom. After Vicki killed you, I killed her. And then a bunch more people. And then there were zombies, so I killed those, and then there were dormies, and I killed those too, and then people got mad for some reason.
Daisy: Luckily I know a lot of evil secret agents, because I’m trying to ruin William’s life, because also he’s a secret agent now, so they gave me a new identity and I’m starring in a TV show about myself, only they don’t know it’s about myself. About me. Whatever, the grammar of that sentence is weird.
Laci: Can we go back to the part about the zombies?
Daisy: That’s what the readers keep saying!
Laci: There’s readers now? Shit, things really have changed!
Laci: But what’s with the babies? Am I a grandma now? Because I’m way too young and attractive for that.
Daisy: The bowlcut is mine. The other one I stole.
Laci: I thought that was a look of terror! On her stupid baby face.
Laci: So you’re mad at William, huh?
Daisy: He ruined my life!
Laci: By… not supporting your murder spree?
Daisy: Is that family? I ask you.
Laci: So tell me about how my murderer is running free.
Daisy: Okay, so this other evil secret agent brought her back, and because I’m pretending to be someone else, she’s pretending to be me!
Laci: You’re making all this up, aren’t you? Nobody could keep track of this much shit.
Laci: Anyway, whatever. What do you need me for?
Daisy: My disguise is slipping. I want you to pretend to be my mom, to throw them off.
Laci: But… I am your mom.
Daisy: Yeah, but they won’t know that! Especially after the surgery.
Laci: Especially after the what?!
Daisy: Don’t make a fuss, mom. You have a default Maxis face, you won’t miss it.
Daisy: Anyway, don’t you want to get revenge? That bitch Vicki stole your husband, then she stole your life, and then she stole your daughter’s fucking identity. There’s an axe with her name on it, and I’m inclined to let you have the first swing.
Laci: I am feeling a lot more evil than I used to.
Daisy: That’s because I didn’t pay enough for your resurrection. But don’t tell yourself that.
Daisy: So yeah, you can have any face you want as long as it’s basically mine.
Laci: Can I try black hair? I’ve always wanted to be a femme fatale.
Daisy: I wanna make a joke about that, but we just did one last chapter.
Daisy: There’s a plastic surgery machine over in the corner. Fix yourself up something nice, and then we’ll get you some new clothes.
Laci: And then what?
Daisy: And then we try to convince everyone that you’re Daisy White’s mom. We’ll need a plant-related name for you, like Daisy and Poppy.
Laci: I don’t wanna be a plant! And who the fuck is Poppy?
Daisy: I brought back Vanessa and brainwashed her. She thinks she’s my sister.
Laci: SHE IS YOUR SISTER
Daisy: Look, the best deceptions are the simplest ones!
Daisy: So anyway, the both of you supposedly died in a car crash. So I’m gonna tell everyone I resurrected you to help me around the house.
Laci: WHICH IS TRUE
Daisy: SO YOU WON’T HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING THE STORY WILL YOU
Laci: I guess this is better than being dead. Hey, who’s Neil married to now?
Daisy: He’s dead. I killed him with fire, and then Melanie killed him with zombie. Also William killed him with bullets, but that was kinda superfluous.
Laci: Melanie? Like, as in, the papergirl?!
Daisy: Yeah, she was, wasn’t she? She’s… something different now. Or at least she was.
Laci: You’re gonna need to write some of this down for me.
Daisy: Hey kids! This is your grandma, um… Iris!
Kelsey and Andrea: .oO(Bullshit.)
Daisy: Except wait, Kelsey’s too young and they know I wasn’t pregnant. Um… hey mom? How about this was your kid? Maybe you were pregnant when you died. In that car crash.
Laci: YOU SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT EARLIER. I just came back to life and now I’m SO FUCKING CONFUSED.
Laci: And also whatever is in your faucets stinks!
Daisy: Don’t waste that! I don’t wanna have to get more, and you definitely won’t like watching it.
Kelsey: .oO(Still not my mom.)
Laci: I still don’t know if I wanna go through with this. I’m basically a good person.
Vicki did kill you with an axe. Although it might have been a mind control axe.
Laci: Has anything sane happened since I died?
Not really, no. It started when all the sane Sims died, I think.
Daisy: Dammit mom! Get down here and muck with your face so we can end this chapter!
Daisy: And seriously don’t use the water right now, it’s been contaminated by a greasy foreign person.
Daisy: He took a big dump and I killed him.
Laci: I’m glad you turned out alright, Cecilia.
Daisy: So anyway, if you see Chelsea Price, don’t tell her you stole her daughter.
Laci: I didn’t steal anyone’s daughter.
Daisy: That’s not what I’m gonna tell the cops, if we get caught.
Laci: This new life sounds like so much fun.
Laci: Is it supposed to feel like I’m kissing Cthulhu?
Daisy: Oh no! My Cthulhu pendant must be possessing the surgery machine!
Laci: THAT’S STUPID AND NONSENSICAL AND HELP
Laci: I think there was an episode of the X-Files like this.
Daisy: We’re not back on that again, are we.
She certainly looks like an alien.
Daisy: I haven’t made up a dad for Daisy, mom, but I’m pretty sure his genetics wouldn’t be able to produce this out of that.
Laci: It’s not like I was trying to deform myself, Cecilia.
Laci: OH GOD HELP I’M DEFORMING MYSELF AGAIN CECILIA
You’re doing a much better job of it now, though.
Daisy: I’m gonna put “Monster Mash” on.
Laci: I can’t stay mad at this fucking face hahaha.
Laci: But hold on, I think I’ve got it now.
Now that is a fucking face.
Andrea: It was a graveyard smash!
Daisy: Baby’s first words! Nobody will believe me.
Laci: I don’t think your old haircut is going to work for me, Cecilia.
Daisy: Well pick something nice, then. And go do it in my bedroom, the lighting’s better. Oh, but don’t use the secret bookshelf door, I’ve got zombies in there.
Daisy: Pissing all over each other, probably.
Laci: This house is pretty nice.
It’s built on murder and deceit and lies.
Laci: Show me a nice house that isn’t.
Laci: I am become Iris, destroyer of underpants.
Yeah, let me go change mine.
Daisy: Hey, not bad! I guess my dad was blonde.
Iris: Or maybe you dye your hair.
Daisy: Don’t be silly! There’s nothing fake about me!
Daisy: No seriously though, nice job. I bet you’ll be perfect for seducing people.
Laci: Your plan has a lot of call for that sort of thing?
Daisy: I like to improvise with what I have.
Iris: Just no uglies, okay?
Daisy: Deal! None of them are important anyway.
Daisy: Hey, so also I just learned to teleport! From ninjas.
Iris: No more today, please, Daisy.
Iris: Let me get some rest, and then you can tell me all about the alien invasion and the new world order and the Blue Jays winning the World Series and all the other stupid impossible shit I missed.
Iris: Anyway, congratulations on not being a failure. You’re not a failure at something terrible, but a mom’s still got a right to be proud.
Daisy: Well thanks, mom. Congratulations on not being dead.
Iris: Yeah, I could totally get used to it.
Next time: hos.
Because we’re all classy up in this joint.
UPDATE ON TUESDAY AGAIN PROBABLY OKAY