The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 113

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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Better late than lousy.


Sometimes I forget that you have an actual job.

Daisy: Gotta make the kills to pay the bills!

I was under the impression that you were only playing a serial killer on TV. Admittedly, a serial killer who secretly was you, but still.

Daisy: Yeah, but funny story… they let me bring in my own “prop” axes, and the extras keep going missing.

Kaylynn: So, you wanna..
Sullivan: NO.

Kaylynn: Me either.

Kaylynn: But look, if we keep our Aspirations up we might make it out of here alive!
Sullivan: I forgot how hot it is when captive victims still have hope. I never should have sold my cabin out in the woods.

Something seriously astonishing better happen to those genetics before she hits adulthood.

Or she won’t be allowed to.

Sulllivan: Hey look, I’m gonna piss myself!
Kaylynn: It doesn’t seem to be bothering you too much.

Sullivan: You’ll understand when you’re older. Which won’t happen, but still.

Kaylynn: Don’t count me out just yet. You can’t keep a good Kaylynn down!
Sullivan: I hear they installed revolving doors in hell because of you.

And they’re preparing a presidential suite for Daisy.

Kaylynn: What’re you doing?
Sullivan: I’m writing a shitty Mary Sue fanfic about myself.

Sullivan: It’s called Bugs Fuckworthy, Secret Talent Agent.

Kaylynn: I hear your old man dick is still pretty much intact.
Sullivan: The last time I had sex, it was with the worldly incarnation of evil. That’s a pretty tough act to follow.

Sullivan: But your necrotic halitosis is a very close second.

Kaylynn: Oh god, we’re in hell already aren’t we.

Sam: Make sure to stand up every half hour. I don’t wanna have to spatula frozen baby ass off the concrete.

Kaylynn: Oh god, Sullivan! You’re making me so wet!

Sullivan: That’s the truth, but not in the way you’re thinking.

Kaylynn: At least I know he’s empty now.

Sullivan: My trick second bladder gets ’em every time!

Kaylynn: We’re both going to die in here.

Kaylynn: This time I intend to be the last one standing, though.
Sullivan: You’ll be standing waist-deep in my urine, then.

Kaylynn: I’ve had worse dates.

Kaylynn: Thanks for the Aspiration Points, Sully. It’s time for the sweet, sweet taste of victory.
Sullivan: Except I peed all over those points before I gave them to you.

Sullivan: Good luck pretending it’s lemonade.

Sullivan: STOP BLOODING MY PISS WITH YOUR ZOMBIE CLOUD

I liked you better when you were dead.

Sullivan: YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.

Sullivan: Look, it’s nothing personal, but until they prove that there’s no ghost women in the walls of this house, I’m going to keep my options open.

Daisy: Oops.

What?

Daisy: She must have slipped off my roof rack.

YOU STOLE SOMEONE’S BABY?!

Daisy: It’s been a terrible day. They put “I, Serial Killer” on hiatus because someone keeps murdering all the guest stars.

WHOSE BABY IS THAT DAISY

Daisy: Everyone indulges in some guilty pleasures when they’re depressed.

Daisy: Most people’s guilty pleasures don’t haves such a high black market value, though.

Andrea: MAMA! MAMA!
Daisy: Stop that baby shit. This is Kelsey White. She’s your new sister.

Kelsey… Kelsey? Wait, is that…

Daisy: But remember, she’s not the eldest, so she’s not worth spit. I expect you to start some Cinderella-level beef with her before she’s twelve.

Andrea: THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN’ AT

Sullivan: EAT CONCRETE, SPLOOGE SPONGE

Daisy: What? WHAT? You gonna be a whiny bitch forever now, Andrea? You might want to keep in mind that it’s a lot easier to dump a baby than it is to steal one.

Kaylynn: Watch your ass, Kearney!

Sam: I always do. My dad used to get touchy-feely when he was drunk.

Sam: Wait a minute… where did you come from?!

Sam: I’m only getting paid for one.

This closet is ruining my framerate.

Daisy: Aww, look, Kelsey! They’re playing.

…yeah. That’s what I thought. That’s Dylan Price. That’s Chelsea’s kid. Did you call her Kelsey specifically to attract unwanted attention?

Daisy: It’s been a while since I killed me a cop. I get cravings sometimes.

Daisy: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK, BABY?!

Oh good, she’s deaf.

If only she were blind too, she’d like this neighbourhood a lot.

Calling a nanny?

Daisy: Calling my Swiss bank.

Daisy: It’s time for a hiatus holiday!

Sullivan: I’M GOING TO CHEW YOUR CLOACA

Daisy: It’s so hard to leave all this behind.

No, no. Take another shot. I’m sure you can get a worse one.

Bellhop: Have you stayed here before, ma’am?
Daisy: No, but two people I murdered have. One of them was my dad.
Bellhop: I understand your joke, ma’am, but the locals may not share our unique brand of SimNational humour.

Daisy: That’s too bad, because I’ve got some howlers about black women in plantation maid dresses.

Nicholas Barthelet: I hear these shrines contain the secrets of long life and inner peace.

Nicholas: BUT THAT’S STILL PRETTY FUNNY

Tour Guide: HAHAHA YOU’RE NOT ASIAN NICHOLAS
Nicholas: I am too! In an honourary sense. I have my own fan dub of Dragon Ball Z on YouTube.

Tour Guide: FOREIGN SCAMPS

Daisy: Is there any good reason I shouldn’t just stand here doing this all day?

Daisy: I really don’t see how there could be.

Daisy: I think I’ve found inner peace already!

Yeah, this is how I remember most of my vacations. Pretty scenery… intriguing cultures…

Americans bitching about god knows what…

This dude…

What? You don’t know this dude?

Neither do I, the fuck is his problem.

Daisy: Hmm… this blue shirt might look nice as something completely different.

Brooke: Just the one pile of clothes that aren’t what you’re buying, ma’am?
Daisy: I didn’t see any boxes of jewellery that turn into other jewellery that I actually want, so I guess so.

The femme fatale look is usually darker than that.

Daisy: That’s okay, I’m more of a femme demoniaque.

Funny you don’t have any tan lines.

Daisy: Turns out baby’s blood makes for a great artificial tan.

Daisy: THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN’ AT

Daisy: Time to complete the look.

The “ridiculous whore” look?

Daisy: The dangerous whore look.

So what are we doing here?

Daisy: I’m looking to make an investment in my human capital.

Don’t use that neoliberal shit on me.

Daisy: I’m hoping to plunder the wealth of SimAsian knowledge.

Daisy: I want to fucking teleport, where the fuck are the fucking ninjas.

Oh god.

Oh god, Daisy, teleporting.

Oh god oh god.

Also WHAT IS THAT IN THE SKY

Daisy: Have you seen any ninjas?
Brooke: OH NO THERE’S ONE BEHIND YOU hahaha

Daisy: Oh HAHAHA, very funny, hahaha! You won’t be laughing

Daisy: WHEN CTHULHU COMES FOR YOU

Kiera Dennis: Where did you get that authentic SimAsian outfit?!

Daisy: Hey look, it’s an internationally-renowned villain who’s supposed to be dead.

Yeah, and Chandler Greaves is here too.

Vanessa Chen: Your breasts, such big, wow.

Marie Guevera: I think I need to see my opthamologist. I keep seeing deceased secret agents.
Knut Alioto: That’s okay, we’re going to kill you all anyway. You know too much, yadda yadda yadda, you understand.

Tour Guide: Fancy an exciting tour, pretty lady?
Daisy: Why don’t you go on a tour?
Tour Guide: Hahaha what?! No way! They blow!

Daisy: I’ve reached the conclusion that someone’s gone all concrete overshoes on the ninja population. I’m hoping some of them kept how-to instructions in their wallets.

Daisy: Goddammit! I’m not fishing for fish!

Gosh! That’s a strange fish you caught there! On top of that, it weighs 32 pounds!

Daisy: The fucking pond guy will just make you throw it back. You’re better off snagging his hat.

Tour Guide: Was that a Zelda joke?
Daisy: Yep.
Tour Guide: Marry me?

Tish Leive: You don’t think acid in the face was a bit extreme?
Daisy: Never.

Tour Guide: Turns out I can’t be deformed any further.

This needs to stop.

Before she shows up at my house.

Stacy Rusewicz: LAME. I’d like to see you try to make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Daisy: I don’t know about that, but I’m aces at making teens disappear.

Christa: You must not be from around here.

Says the SimAsian caricature.

Daisy: So, when do the ghosts start showing up?

Daisy: WELL WE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN HOLDING HANDS THEN

I thought you came to Takemizu for nefarious purposes.

Daisy: I did.

So why are you getting a naked ass massage?

Daisy: Because the SimAsian branch of ENTROPY is cliquing around outside, and I don’t want them recognizing me.

Daisy: And there are other good reasons, too.

Daisy: You got any of that smelly shit?
Brooke Jeffress: You mean massage oil?
Daisy: If that shit’s smelly, then yeah. That shit. Gimme some of that shit.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I shall take it from here.

Brooke: Over my dead body!
Daisy: Or his.

Daisy: I do admire your audacity, though. And your wicked ‘stache.

THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN’ AT

Either of you.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: So this is what she smells like naked.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I must find a way to monetize it.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I’ll just be taking this.
Chandler Greaves: But… I’m an internationally-renowned villain!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Try proving that without your wallet.

Daisy: This must be why dads like leaves so much.

Secret… Asian men! Secret… Asian Men!

It had to happen eventually.

Tour Guide: Now look, you upset them and they’re leaving.

Danielle St. Julien: WHAT IS THIS FOREIGN SHIT

Daisy: Tell me about it.

Next time: the other half of this time. It should have been one chapter, but silly me, I promised you something for today.

So I cheated.

You expected better of me?

Morons.

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