The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 112

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!

Read the damn April Fools’ things if you haven’t already.

That was like forty hours of my life.

Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…

In summation: WTF.


Also: DTF.

Chelsea: The feeling isn’t mutual.

Chelsea: You smell like Old Spice and Coke Zero.

Mayhew: That’s nothing! Some people smell like alcohol and stale urine.

Dylan: .oO(SO STOP FEEDING ME ALCOHOL AND WIPE OFF MY STALE URINE ALREADY)

Nick: MUSIC

You’re just whacking that thing randomly.

Nick: Yeah, but wait! AUTOTUNE!

Good point. I guess.

Nick: STAY AWAKE BITCH

Chelsea: I’m glad they’re friends.

Chelsea: I almost remember what having friends was like.

Mostly shit, actually.

Kaylynn: Salt shakers? At a coffee bar?!

Kaylynn: Also I’m not really here. I’m trapped in a secret closet.

Yeah, boolprop your ass out of here bitch.

Opal: I’m an old lesbian!
Bradley: Me too!

Chelsea: Hey hey, there’s a posting for a freelance web designer! That’s like a license to print your own money! Only not very much money, and sometimes you don’t get it at all.

Uma: Are your hands sore? My hands are sore.
Brady: That’s your body trying to grow. We’ve been teenagers for sixty years.
Uma: Is there any way to make it stop hurting?
Brady: I usually just punch people until I can’t feel it anymore.
Uma: What if you never want to punch anyone?
Brady: Come out as gay, like I did. People will start lining up.

This family moment brought to you by ShitKat.

“Gimme a plop! Gimme a plop! Plop me out a piece of that ShitKat Bar!”

Amin: I couldn’t help but notice how you are apparently attractive by obscure Sim standards.
Bradley: Excuse me, but that’s my daughter.
Amin: Wow, really? She even had genetics working against her?

Does he realize none of your face is original?

Chelsea: Even if he doesn’t, he’s still complimenting my handiwork.

Chelsea: Do you know how Bigfoot takes his coffee?
Joy: I’m not really in the mood for jokes right now.

Chelsea: Can I buy you something?
Amin: I’ve always wanted the Queen Mary.
Chelsea: I mean, like, from here.
Amin: THEY MIGHT HAVE THE QUEEN MARY HERE

Chelsea: He’ll take it black, no sugar, and spit in it for me would you?

Chelsea: My last boyfriend was a serial killer rogue secret agent.

Amin: I kill people too. But I do it for the government.

Amin: So that makes it okay.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: You don’t look seventy-five, but my sucker radar hasn’t led me astray yet!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: See those windows?
Uma: Yeah?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Stare at them blankly while I take your wallet.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Are you staring at them, Uma?
Uma: Yes…
The Unsavoury Charlatan: And are you going to keep staring at them, Uma?
Uma: Yes…
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Because otherwise it’s dumpster corpse time, right? Right, Uma?

Uma: I want my mommy.

Amin: I want this momma.
Chelsea: How did you know I’ve got a child at home?
Amin: Oh, I didn’t! How lovely! I love appetizers.

Witches versus robots.

How ’bout it, internet?

Uma: Are you gonna go back around the counter now?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: No way! I own this place now. You had a lot of money in that wallet.
Uma: Sixty years worth…

Gerard: Hi Margaret Thatcher!

Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: RUST IN HELL, ROBOT

FRIDAY: Or I could just come inside.

Bradley: This is better than cable!

Bradley: More tongue! MORE TONGUE!

Chelsea: If my dad starts jerking off, we need to stop.

Gina: Is it still out there?
Cheryl: You really need to stop being so racist.
Gina: Do you have any idea how hard it is to get hairs off polyester?!

Cheryl: I guess that makes sense. You wouldn’t want to look stupid or anything.

Chelsea: Grats on being nobody I know! That really works in your favour these days.

Chelsea: Stranger massage?
Amin: Stranger things have happened!

Yep.

Bradley: Why did nobody tell me it was raining? Now my suit is rusting, and I’m in hell!

Amin: I could give him a tetanus shot. The military keeps us well-supplied.
Chelsea: Where are you keeping it? You haven’t got any pockets.
Amin: Let’s just say I’ve got a sanitizing agent up there, too.

Theresa: Hello there, Subject 11! I mean, Mrs. Price!
FRIDAY: She’s under SCIA surveillance?! What number am I?
Theresa: We keep your info in the F-Files. It stands for “Fuck, who cares.”

Chelsea: Speaking of fuck, who cares…

Bradley: Monster! I will fight you to protect my daughter!
Amin: Technically it would have to last longer than one second to count as a fight.

Bradley: Your threats are very effective.
Amin: It’s what we do, ma’am.
Bradley: I’m…
Amin: Yes?
Bradley: …totally a ma’am, sir. Please let me visit my furry grandkids some day.

Bradley: If I live that long.

Bradley: Thanks for backing me up there, bucko.
FRIDAY: You use words like “bucko” and then wonder why nobody backs you up.

Every once in a while I remember I have “Pets” installed.

And then I do something I regret.

Nawwaf: Oh, hey! I want the big brown one that walks on two legs!

Muse: .oO(I doubt he’s hypoallergenic.)

Amin: Now look, cat. You’re new to this relationship, so I’m gonna lay down some rules.
Muse: .oO(She’s barely looking at you. You’re probably not even dating.)
Amin: Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking she’s barely looking at me, so we’re probably not even dating. But that’s because you didn’t hear what I said to her in the car.

Amin: I don’t see why anal on a first date is a problem, especially when you’re putting something in there that looks like the stuff that comes out.

Muse: BLEAAAAAHHHH
Amin: Hahaha, sometimes they sound like they’re talking!

Amin: I’d prefer this one. I’d paint him brown, and blame all my shedding on him.

Amin: EXCEPT WHY DO I NEED TO MAKE EXCUSES. Fucking racists. It’s not like I complain that these Sims have a problem with non-consensual sex!

I really need to get rid of all these rapists.

They’re driving down the land values.

And nobody wants to put them in the brochures.

Now that is one hefty Kitty!

Kitty: I’d complain, but I basically came here for that joke.

Amin: So your idea of a good date is me watching you buy shit for your new cat?
Chelsea: Most dudes have no problem with watching me do stuff. On Thursdays I even have a webcam, a website, and a PayPal account.

Gerald: I particularly enjoyed last week with the eggplant.

Muse: .oO(Ouch! What did you do, yack on someone’s bed?)

Brady: Did he have a price tag on him, ma’am?

Enjoying the nightlife?

Muse: .oO(What a stupid expansion.)

Eric: WAY taller than you.
Sofie: Same height.
Eric: WHO ASKED YOU SHORTY

Aiyana: Wanna come home with me, kittycat?
Muse: .oO(That depends. Are you a carnival gypsy or a caravan gypsy?)

Ember: She’s gonna be an insolvent gypsy, if she doesn’t watch out.

Ember: Just saved your new cat from a gypsy.
Chelsea: Like that’s even a thing.

Chelsea: Did you like Amin? I think we might start dating.
Muse: .oO(Sounds good to me! As long as he follows up on that whole “eating your baby” thing.)

Chelsea: You look so cute when you’re thinking!

Muse: .oO(I wonder what it would look like if you tried it.)

Muse: .oO(Probably like constipation.)

Amin: These dividers make it really hard to steal them.

You could just buy a dog.

Amin: I’m not paying five hundred bucks for a meal!

Muse: .oO(Suddenly I want to go back in my display.)

Arcadia: I wish I had a yeti boyfriend.
Chelsea: Celebrities only.

Arcadia: Maybe I could start small, and trade up.

Count Alon: Or maybe you could become a creature of the night!
Arcadia: Oh, do you know any raccoons?

Gerald: What’s his name?

He hasn’t got one. He’s not a real character.

Gerald: Aww! Just like me!

Emmy: It was a struggle, but he fit! Kitty stew tonight!
Amar: That’s nothing! I’ve got three parrots in my mouth already.

Kitty: Sometimes I wonder if that apocalypse went far enough.

It didn’t.

Muse: .oO(If it didn’t leave you barren, it was a pretty miserable failure.)

Chelsea: You’re going straight through the windshield if we crash.
Muse: .oO(I was thinking more of a splatter pattern, actually. I don’t weigh very much.)

Muse: .oO(WHICH IS WHY I CAN FLY)

Muse: .oO(What? You’ve never seen a cat driving an invisible car before?)

Muse: .oO(Okay, that was terrifying and I’m never getting in that thing again.)

Muse: .oO(What is this stuff? It looks radioactive and it’s way too springy to be astroturf.)

Muse: .oO(It’s perfect.)

Chelsea: Wait’ll he sees what I’ve got for him inside!

Yeah! Food and a heart attack!

Mayhew: Sorry kid, only food for you. You’re too young for a heart attack. I checked.

What are you doing?

Chelsea: Decorating Dylan’s room!

With your old Date Rewards?!

Chelsea: I want her to start studying early.

Chelsea: So, your bowl is in the kitchen…
Muse: .oO(And everything else is mine. Got it.)

Mayhew: Want some seasoning with that?

This is one of those things you’ll look back on as an adult and go “Shit, wait! My childhood was fucked!

Chelsea: You think that’s bad?

Chelsea: Send me the worst one! You know who I mean.

Lucas: LUCAS PEREZ GONNA SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH

Lucas: But he will not zombie shit, because he is a gentleman.

But not a scholar.

Lucas: Fuck no, I’m dumb as hell.

Lucas: My boy, my boy. You carry a great burden, as the spawn of Lucas Perez.

That isn’t your son.

Lucas: It is in my chiquita’s casa, no? Lucas Perez left explicit instructions that she was to hold no sex-god before Lucas Perez.

Daisy: I hear someone’s been rooting through my trash.

Muse: .oO(OOMPH)

Daisy: If you want him that bad, why didn’t you just kill yourself?
Chelsea: Why would I want to be dead?
Daisy: Wow, do you not remember your entire life?

Lucas: Be remembering, little man: never be settling for second-rate poon tang.

Daisy: Are you quoting… Shallow Hal… to that kid over there?
Lucas: If so, chiquita, is not my fault. Is god’s.

Yeah, I don’t know why I remember that movie.

I really don’t want to.

Daisy: No hard feelings, Lucador?
Lucas: It is to be hoped not, chiquita, for these pants are too tight to allow it.

Muse: .oO(WHACK them both. Like THIS. Then INTO THE TRASH COMPACTOR.)

Daisy: Hey, lean forward a bit. I can smell your breath.

Daisy: OH GOD ARE YOU TRYING TO GAS ME?!

Chelsea: I think maybe he’s trying for the gas chamber.

Chelsea: I hope William can get me one.

Chelsea: IS THIS ANY WAY TO TREAT THE WOMAN WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE
Lucas: She is not the woman who saved Lucas Perez’ life! She is the one who took it!
Chelsea: I meant me! And wait what was that?
Daisy: He said “Ask me how I died if you want this entire house to explode.”

Lucas: The poofy-haired murder vixen’s misdirecting threats are inconvenient but sexy.

Daisy: I’m glad you’re going to die again soon, because I haven’t had nearly enough time to miss that tortuous dialogue yet.

Daisy: So hey, cow. How brave are you?

Cowplant: .oO(Not nearly that brave.)

Daisy: I do so enjoy these little affirmations.

“Cecilia”: Hey, who’s the studmuffin?
Lucas: You may take a number, chiquita.

Lucas: Lucas Perez must first plead for his sexy, sexy life.
Daisy: I don’t want to kill you, Lucas, but it’s so hard when you talk.

“Cecilia”: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING

Chelsea: TRYING TO GET OUR CHAPTER BACK

Lucas: It is not our fault that we are so much more intriguing and attractive.

Lucas: And by “we,” Lucas Perez means Lucas Perez.

“Cecilia”: We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Cecilia Phelps.
Daisy: EAT ME NOW BEFORE I KILL HER

Lucas: You are as beautiful as a starburst, chiquita.
“Cecilia”: That’s so sweet!
Lucas: Astronomy is for losers.

Daisy: You made the right choice, Lucas. I’ll be watching you.

Lucas: She is meaning that metaphorically, chiquita. So let’s fuck.

Kitty: Let’s fuck you!

“Cecilia”: Yes please!

Lucas: On second thought you are dull and boring.
“Cecilia”: IT’S NOT MY FAULT I STOLE A SHITTY IDENTITY

Mayhew: Funny story, that’s how I became a butler.

Witness Protection Program?

Mayhew: Kind of like that, only for the people who create witnesses.

Lucas: Lucas Perez vows to poo like every poo will be his last poo.

Lucas: He can suggest some stronger cleaning agents.
Mayhew: I just use acid. Lots and lots of acid.
Lucas: It is acid resistant. It has evolved.
Mayhew: Shame you didn’t evolve along with it.

“Cecilia”: I didn’t hear the tap running.

Mayhew: I think he just wiped his hands on the counter.

Chelsea: I’m staying up here where it’s only me.

Lucas: You throw like a famous athlete, chiquita!

“Cecilia”: DEFINITELY NOT ONE OF THOSE

“Cecilia”: Back off stinky, you had your shot.
Lucas: Lucas Perez was just waiting until he was stinky!

Lucas: Some women do not like stinky?!

Mayhew: Do you hate humans? I hate humans.

Muse: .oO(Thank god I can’t talk.)

“Cecilia”: Needs more stupid outfits.

Lucas: Mission Accomplished!

Nick: FUUUUUUUUU

Chelsea: Guess I’d better go stop him from finishing that. We’re almost out of soap.

Nick: Momma!
Chelsea: Nope! Auntie Chelsea!
Nick: HOT momma!
Chelsea: Oh, hahaha, yeah. Totally, kid. Good call.

Muse: FUUUUUUUUUUUU

Nick: THAT’S WHAT I SAID

Nick: I wonder what it means.

Lucas: Chiquita! I am ready! I am ripe!

Chelsea: You’re not the only one.

Nick: Hey baby, didn’t see you there! You lookin’ fine.
Chelsea: Don’t hit up my daughter. And hey, since when can you talk?
Nick: Since the maker didn’t bother to check if I can’t.

I’m pretty sure who cares.

“Cecilia”: FUCK GHOSTS.

I’d vote for it.

Apparently “fuck ghosts” is all you need to know about public speaking.

Lucas: Mistakes have been made. Lucas Perez has been in bed for half an hour with no blowjobbies.

Lucas: He is going to get some milk. From this weird fridge he found.

Lucas: Hey hey, was your birthday? Is your cake?! Lucas Perez is claiming it.

Lucas: Fridge is puzzle?! Lucas Perez is playing Resident Evil now?!

Lucas: Have you been drinking the toilet water, strange living fridge monster? Because Lucas Perez will sue for theft.

Lucas: GIVE ME BACK MY POO JUICE STUPID

I think those are fitting final words.

Everybody notices.

Nobody cares.

Nick: If anybody tries to tell me it’s bedtime, you have my permission to eat them.

“Cecilia”: No… no… please…

“Cecilia”: Please don’t abort my baby…

Hahaha, oh Peter. I’m so glad you’re dead.

And Nick is just glad in general.

Mayhew: I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t get off there.

Muse: .oO(YOU CAN TRY.)

Muse: .oO(You have chosen wisely.)

Mayhew: Your cat is the devil.
“Cecilia”: You must be old friends, then.

Yay! It’s the Whatever Household!

Whatever.

Whatever.

Lance: He’s right, you know.

Lora: Oh, hey mom! I’m glad you called! Oh, not much. I died! But then I got better.

Lora: Since then, my life has been defined by my children. Uh-huh. Yup. I was thinking carbon monoxide poisoning, wrist slashing is too risky.

Lora: It leaves a sexier corpse, too.

I see the front hallway embargo is still in effect.

Lora: Mother! That’s disgusting! I love my husband, I’d never cheat on him with that sexy young butler we just hired!
Mayhew: You don’t have a mother.
Lora: So let’s drop the pretense and just fuck already.

Lora: No, not you. God, hang up already, Anthony.

Okay, FUCK YOU. This ends here.

AND I’VE GOT ALL THE KEYS.

Lora: Mayhew mostly takes care of kids for us. His parenting style involves a lot of outdoorsy stuff.

Mayhew: Only because you refuse to move that fucking wedding arch.

Mayhew: Also FUCK YOUR LOCKED GATES.

Mayhew: Hahaha, nope! Guess you’re gonna starve.

Mayhew: Two boxes of pablum? Don’t need that shit! It’s garbage day!

Bradley: It’s garbage butler.

Lyndsey: .oO(It’s garbage life.)

Lora: Oh fuck. I guess it’s time to try that sunshine-only diet I’ve been hearing about.

Bradley: Wow, these things are really neat! There’s no hyperlinks, though, so they’ll never catch on.

Lora: Are you being an impossible twit again?
Bradley: It’s more of an identity than an action.

Lewis: How’s it feel to be weak and immobile?!

Lewis: MOTHERFUCKIN’

Lewis: Whatever.

Next time: plot!

I promise.

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