Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!
I have the weirdest feeling of déjà vu right now.
Last time in the Clover County Chronicles…
Hahaha, secret agents are so jealous of their privacy for some reason.
Well this is a blast from the past.
Abigail: What are you talking about?
This is your old house. From sixty years ago.
Abigail: Oh, wow, really? It looks even lamer than before.
Okay, so your bedroom looks like a pine-based cleaner ad.
And okay, the rest of the place is a pastel hell.
But look at all that glowing green shit! That’s got to count for something.
Abigail: Four years of university to get me back to where I was in 2000?
Abigail: It’s still bullshit.
I remade the local convenience store! It’s less skeevy now.
Abigail: So you’re saying you made it a worse convenience store?
Gerald: Hey, sexy lady! Oh shit, I’m singing that stupid song now.
Abigail: Are these dry-clean only? I need to get the stink of failure off them as soon as I get home.
Bradley: I wouldn’t bother! Most of us emit it like a cloud.
George: You sure do look stupid, Mr. Price!
Bradley: Oh yeah? Well at least I don’t look like why is there nothing wrong with the way you look? What kind of townie are you?!
Abigail: The hot kind.
Abigail: Stop mistaking my high chemistry score for other people’s attractiveness?
No, stop finding people hot. We have enough kids around here already.
George: But I’m old and sterile!
Abigail: Yeah! He’s old and sterile! And hot!
Poppy: Man, this place is shitty and old.
That’s what I was going for!
Poppy: Well that’s cheating.
George: Won’t you stay?
Abigail: Nope! I bought you that coffee so you’d pee yourself and stop being attractive.
Poppy: If I promise to pee myself, will you buy me one too?
Cameron: Don’t you guys carry Monster here? I want to look even more ridiculous.
Bradley: An old man kicked my ass a while ago.
Poppy: In your defense, you are also an old man. And super grody.
Bradley: Oh yeah? Well, when I was trapped in my basement, I outlived a young man who was much grodier!
Poppy: This sounds like bragging in your head, does it?
Bradley: It’s amazing how being locked in a concrete tomb full of piss and rotten flesh doesn’t make for harmonious social relations.
Bradley: But I did watch a woman die.
Poppy: Now that’s the kind of badass I’d expect from that moustache!
Abigail: There is nobody here worth talking to.
Welcome to my world.
Poppy: Do you have any ass at all?!
Good thing you do.
It’s like I’ve died and polygon to heaven.
Abigail: They don’t let people who pun into heaven.
Abigail: It’s the ultimate gated community!
Abigail: Now if only we could lock the gates from the outside.
What did you do to your hair?
Abigail: Because then we’d have all the religious people within one defined blast radius. Problem solved!
What did you do to your clothes?
Abigail: I prefer to blind with science, but it turns out some people are scienceblind. This is my contingency plan.
It is a good plan.
Abigail: Hey Romeo! It’s Juliet. Hahaha! No, I’m joking. No. Juliet? Like, from the play?
Abigail: The one from the murder-suicide pact?
Abigail: The one who got her entire family punished? You’re making this weird.
Abigail: Alright fine it’s Abigail. Come over and we can make out.
Abigail: YES I’M SURE YOU WON’T GET ARRESTED
Abigail: NO I’M NOT SUGGESTING YOU KILL YOURSELF! Yet.
Romeo: A guy needs to know these things beforehand.
Abigail: I’m screening potential husbands. You seemed pretty cool at university. You didn’t pee yourself a lot.
Romeo: That’s because I couldn’t figure out where the food and drink was.
Romeo: I subsisted on your used underwear.
Abigail: Let’s finish the interview anyway, in case the next guy turns out to be a child molester or something.
Romeo: I’ve never been forced to want someone to be a child molester before. It feels morally questionable.
Abigail: He has morals! Already better than William.
Or pretty much anybody else around here.
Romeo: That ass! It’s like I’ve died-
Romeo: -and seen a really nice ass!
Abigail: You did that on purpose, didn’t you.
Romeo: Did what? Sure, let’s assume so.
Abigail: So, what do you have to recommend yourself to me? There’s this other dude, he’s a dead ringer for the town’s most eligible bachelor.
Romeo: The town’s most eligible douchebag.
Abigail: Yes, but he’s got it where it counts.
Abigail: No, his nine in-
Abigail: It’s so big, science can’t explain it!
Abigail: Even capitalized Science.
Romeo: Do I detect a hint of admiration there?
Abigail: Alvin’s alright, if you like dumb people.
Romeo: And do you?
Abigail: They inflate my ego. And that’s a big part of being a scientist, honestly.
Abigail: That and getting people killed.
Abigail: I’m good at that part.
Romeo: I’m not sure if I want to end up disintegrated or anything.
Abigail: Is a little commitment too much to ask for these days?
Abigail: So, do you know how to dance?
Romeo: No, but I don’t know that!
Abigail: Here’s a good dance, I call it the “Basketball Screening.”
Romeo: If you don’t want me to piss myself, don’t remind me of gym class.
Romeo: In fact, just… don’t ever remind me of gym class. For any reason.
I hear you.
Romeo: This is a definite improvement!
Abigail: You taste like desk mints.
Romeo: I told you, I couldn’t figure out the cafeteria system.
Abigail: I’m not sure I want to feed you like a baby bird for the rest of my life.
Abigail: Clay! Clay! Come over here, my alternatives are dire.
Abigail: I think I’d sooner kiss the skunk.
Henri LeStanc: Pfft, my standards are way too high for that. You don’t even have a paunch!
Romeo: Do you have any job openings?
Henri: How are you at emitting noxious fumes?
Romeo: I go to MNU.
Henri: I’ll take your resume!
Clay: Hey, these places are pretty classy! I wonder where they keep the alarms.
Clay: Wanna help me case the joint?
Henri: I’ll distract her, if you promise to steal all the tomato juice.
Abigail: Were you planning to steal my heart too?
Clay: I’ll let you know when you give me back my tongue.
Clay: Holy shit! You’re blonde!
William: She’s been everything but grey.
Henri: I can fix that, if you like.
Abigail: Go away, you stinky skunk! And you too, Henri.
William: Have fun never being satisfied sexually again!
Abigail: Have fun watching your wife breastfeed with milk made from your parents.
William: Have fun bleaaaaaaaagghh you win.
Romeo: Will you be my valentine?
Henri: Only if that thing’s edible.
Abigail: I’m way too good for these losers.
Hey, hey. Beauty is only skin deep.
Abigail: Actually, it’s even shallower. Most of this will disappear when I take my casual clothes off.
Abigail: Which could happen at any moment.
Clay: Nothing keeps a man interested like the possibility of nudity! It’s the only reason I know what happened in Titanic.
Romeo: The skunk ditched me.
No great loss.
Romeo: I really thought we had a connection, though!
I meant for the skunk.
Abigail: Let’s roleplay. I’ll be the homeowner, you be the home invader.
Clay: That’s not roleplay at all.
Abigail: Sure it is! I’ll roleplay someone who wouldn’t distintegrate a burglar, and you roleplay someone who would have half a chance of stealing something from me.
Clay: You are dangerously sexy, woman.
Abigail: And you don’t even know about the taser I keep under my tongue!
Clay: Yeeeeeeouch! That’s something I never knew I needed until I had it.
William: Stand down, Captain Sparkles. The operation’s been cancelled.
Clay: I have a nickname for my penis, too!
Abigail: I’m gonna… guess… “Crowbar.”
Clay: Shit, that one’s way better.
Clay: I was just calling it “Rapenabler.”
Abigail: As a compound word, at least, it’s not terrible.
Abigail: But if it enables any rapes, I’m gonna rename it “Bloodfountain.”
Clay: Suddenly I’m not feeling it anymore.
Abigail: You’re the one who brought up rape.
Clay: Everyone’s got a fetish!
Abigail: Mine’s control.
Clay: I definitely didn’t know vaginas could clench like that.
Abigail: You should see what I can do with my teeth.
Clay: I think I’m willing to chance that.
Abigail: I’m not much on sausages anyway.
Clay: Funny thing; me either.
Clay: Do you do this often?
Abigail: No, but I’m a scientist. I’ve looked up the theory.
William: It’s called reconnaissance and I’m not going to apologize for it.
Abigail: Make yourself comfortable.
Clay: This dangly thing is getting in the way. Got a pouch I can stuff it in?
I’ll let you imagine what happened.
Abigail: It’ll probably compare favourably to reality.
I dunno. Sometimes I feel like reality suffers in comparison to you.
Clay: Yeah, she’s really hot and all, but she doesn’t have those little flaws that make a girl truly beautiful.
Abigail: I know, I’m trying to collect a few. Dating you should be a good start.
Clay: I love a girl who talks dirty!
Abigail: I was just straight up insulting you!
Clay: It’s a fine line!
Abigail: Careful, you’ll set off my fire breathing implant!
Clay: You have a fire-breathing implant?!
Abigail: A girl’s got to have some secrets, right?
Clay: Especially when her boyfriend steals babies for the black market in stolen babies.
William: Hey, everyone needs a hobby.
Clay: Oh, that’s just my job. My hobbies are much worse.
Abigail: All hobbies are.
Abigail: They just can’t compete with underwear science.
Nothing competes with underwear science.
Next time: same shit, different day.
See you Friday!