The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 110

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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I really ought to be getting something out of this.

I bet your significant others don’t put out this regularly for you.


Melanie: So hot!
William: You know you like it.
Melanie: I do! That’s why I set the thermostat so high.

William: You really know how to deflate a guy, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.
Melanie: Say that again, and I will. Through your dick.

Zombie Queen: I believe her.
William: So do I.

Neila: .oO(Help! Help! I’m being attacked by Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!)

William: Have you been telling my kids about their mother’s troubled past?
Mayhew: There are some things you’re born knowing.

Apparently Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is a genetic memory.

William: .oO(My kids must have really awkward feelings towards her, then, if they got that memory from me.)

Victor: .oO(It makes it easier to breastfeed from her, anyway.)
William: .oO(Great, my kid is gonna be into incest now.)
Mayhew: .oO(Well hello there, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!)

EVERYBODY STOP THINKING

Mayhew: Now that’s a platform I can get behind!

Mayhew: .oO(I could also get behind Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.)

ARGLEBARGLE

William: So hey, you want the name-brand baby powder or the expensive stuff? Because I’m not wasting money on you if I don’t have to, my mom would be furious.
Victor: .oO(Huh? What? I can’t concentrate, this fucking virus won’t get out of my head.)

Neighbourhood corruption, I get.

But this is just absurd.

Melanie: Much like William’s ass!
William: Embrace the absurdity.

BUT NOT THIS ABSURDITY

Mayhew: Sure you don’t want me to handle that?
William: He already has waking nightmares about my wife. I don’t need you giving him night terrors.

Melanie: Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, we can drive to places where we should walk and use bottles for milk when tits are practically right next door!

William: Yeah, ‘cuz who wants zombie milk.
Melanie: Am I ever gonna hear the end of this?
William: Maybe after they finalize the death toll.

William: .oO(Man, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard sure takes things hard.)
Victor: .oO(Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard should just chill out.)

Mayhew: .oO(Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is a stone-cold superfox.)

William: .oO(No arguments here!)

NO MORE TELEPATHY

A glamour shot for the ladies.

The ladies who are hot for chauvinists, that is.

Which is to say all of them.

Kelly: I should sue you for that.

You can’t sue your maker.

Kelly: I know, I’m just making sure people remember that I’m a lawyer. For later.

Melanie: We need to talk about boundaries, Mayhew.

Mayhew: No, we need to talk about your diet. Uuuugh.

Mayhew: I hope you save a few extra scrubs for your ass.

Mayhew: Your fine, fine-
Melanie: That’s good, thanks, bye.

Mayhew: .oO(MINE.)

Melanie: Suddenly the whole “prancing about naked” thing starts to look a bit ill-advised.

Melanie: I’m still hot with my clothes on.

You’re hotter with your clothes on. I never liked your nude skin.

I never liked any of this, but it’s been so much fun not liking it.

William: The bitches love it.

Melanie: I might need to invest in a burqa.

Melanie: And make him wear it over his eyes.

William: Yeah, I’ll admit, she’s got a nice bust. But you’re mysterious, and that counts for a lot too.
“Cecilia”: Is Melanie in the room right now?
William: Yeah, but she doesn’t know we’re talking about her.

William: She’s too discombobulated by our butler leching all over her.
“Cecilia”: And you’re not bothered by that?
William: Why should I be? I could kill him at any time.

Melanie: That’s my man!

Mayhew: FOR NOW.

I bet this is what a marriage between Churchill and Girl Hitler would look like.

Victor: .oO(Does it look like the ceiling? Because without object permanence, the ceiling is the only thing I understand right now.)

Amin: I’ll teach this bitch to break into our house!

Gonna shoot up the place?

Amin: No, I’m gonna hold an invisible drinks tray angrily.

That’ll show her.

Nobody cheated on you.

William: Abigail-

NOBODY CHEATED ON YOU.

William: EVERYBODY CHEATED ON ME. They’re all mine.

Melanie: Any reason this one is on the floor?
Mayhew: They have names, you know. And that one’s name is Mat.

Mayhew: This one’s name is also Mat, but you only need one at a time.

Mayhew: Your bum tastes funny.

Mayhew: Like mother, like whatever gendered offspring you are!

William: Have you been doing something revolting?
Mayhew: Only by half. I am wearing gloves.

William: What are you doing in here?
Victor: .oO(CLEARLY I HAVE SOME SORT OF AGENCY IN ALL THIS)

Victor: .oO(I’m gonna get Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard to fuck him up.)

Melanie: Pfff. That’s so last decade.

Melanie: We’ve both moved on! My sexy husband is an expert pool player now, so he doesn’t have to shoot strangers to make a living any more!

William: But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop!

William: God, don’t even suggest that!

Melanie: Start with the butler.

Symmetry!

I forget why.

Melanie: Our kids turned out fantastic!
William: Let’s wait until their personalities form to make that appraisal.

William: I hope they get your assertiveness and my morals.
Melanie: Or my morals and your assertiveness!
William: No, because then I’ll have to kill them.

You probably will anyway.

Melanie: Our kids will rule the world one day.
William: Assuming we don’t destroy it first.

Melanie: Our horrific past makes me so horny.

William: That doesn’t surprise me, even if my sunglasses make it look like it does.

Melanie: Can I have that one? I think he looks more interesting.

Melanie: Aww, look at his little face! He’s so cute!
Neila: .oO(This is going in my biography of you.)

Melanie: Man, how about we just focus on that one and let this one fend for herself from now on?

Neila: .oO(This blows.)

Neila: .oO(Puns!)

Melanie: I bet Victor wouldn’t make puns.
Victor: .oO(Piece of cake!)

William: Why are we stalling?
Melanie: Because we don’t want to see what they end up looking like.
William: Yeah, this is gonna be a shitfest.

So let’s just splatter them on the ceiling instead.

What, no dragon outfits or white tuxedos?

I call shenanigans.

Huh.

They almost look human.

Actually, Neila just looks like a tiny girl William.

So she needs to die.

Victor: .oO(More food for me!)

Victor: .oO(Or sure, let’s waste it all on the dead girl.)

Mayhew: Alright, grace period’s over. Into the trash compactor.

Neila: .oO(Wait! WAIT! I thought you were gonna kill me!)

William: My wife looks stupid. You’re fired.

Neila: .oO(You do look pretty stupid.)

I can’t wait to see how stupid you’re gonna look.

Oh, wait, I already know.

And it’s not very interesting.

Victor: .oO(Wow! Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard, present at my very first shit! I can’t wait to tell all my therapist!)

Melanie: You were thinking that thing again, weren’t you.
Victor: .oO(I bet this is how Girl Hitler would feel.)

Melanie: BEAR. Bear.
Victor: OH MY GOD WHERE

Melanie: Mommy. Mommy.
Victor: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!
Melanie: Good enough.

Neila: .oO(My hair tastes like hair.)

Victor: .oO(My brains feel like OH GOD MY HAND IS IN MY HEAD)

William: My porn feels like tingling.

William: I really need to start cheating again.

Neila: .oO(I learned to teleport!)

I just didn’t want to show how you got there.

Neila: .oO(Also I can talk to god!)

That’s no big deal. The hard part is getting him to talk back to you, with a minimum of swearing.

Victor: WHY DOES SHE GET TO TELEPORT AND I DON’T

Neila: .oO(Maybe you do?)
Victor: STOP CUTTING SO MANY PICS

NO.

Melanie: If you can learn to teleport, you can damn well learn to shit.

William: Wow, Mayhew was right. There is something very wrong with whatever we’re eating.
William: .oO(ZombieQueenMelanieLillard.)

Melanie: At least it comes out okay!

Melanie: Once I was the Zombie Queen. Now I watch babies shit.

This is why you don’t half destroy the world.

Melanie: I’ll do better next time.

I dunno, you’re definitely owning that whole “watching babies shit” thing.

William: WHERE DOES THIS SHIT GO

William: FINE FUCK IT THEN

Neila: .oO(Tastes like splinters!)

Zombie Queen: BAWK! Choke and croak! BAWK!

Blah blah blah Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.

Amin: What the fuck is causing that, anyway?

Probably the reputation system.

Amin: No way? You mean people actually know that bitch?

I know, right?

And she’s kept such a low profile all her life!

Melanie: Well come on!
Victor: YOU JUST WANT TO EAT MY BRAINS

Melanie: Don’t be silly! We need to grow them first!

Melanie: That way at least one man in this house will have some.

William: I don’t need brains. I’ve got money.

Melanie: Awesome, you can run now! The chase will be fair.

Victor: Mommy taught me how to flee!
Neila: .oO(IF ONLY SHE’D TAUGHT ME HOW TO RESPOND)

Victor: I think she hates you.

Melanie: It’s more of an apathy thing.

William: Let me put my apathy thing into you, baby.

William: All this talk about your ass is making Captain Sparkles worried.

Melanie: At ease, Captain!

Victor: Did you hear that?
Neila: .oO(SPEAK NO EVIL HEAR NO EVIL)

Neila: .oO(Maybe they’re making a new baby they’ll like more than Victor, and we can at least be partners in unfavouritism.)

Victor: This must be what albino Godzilla feels like.

Victor: His limbs must be worth a fortune.

Neila: .oO(Does this look dirty to you?)

Victor: I’m glad I can’t read your thoughts.

Neila: Me too.

Neila: Me too.

Victor: SHIT PARTY!

Neila: .oO(Shit YEAH!)

Neila: .oO(I’m glad we’re so close.)

Victor: I could do with a little less closeness, honestly.

Mayhew: I’M STILL HERE AND THIS COUNTER IS FUCKED AND MY NECK IS BROKEN

William: Someone’s stupiding downstairs.
Melanie: Why don’t you go help them with it.

Victor: Oh god, it’s back!

Mayhew: Bet I could hoof you through that wall.

William: …wait a minute. I’ve never won any awards!

William: Which is its own entire kind of bullshit!

William: Oh, right, this was Sunny’s. Hahaha! Dead people.

Melanie: She had it coming.

William: Come on over! She’s still in bed.
“Cecilia”: I’m not coming over unless you build a goddamn underground bunker. Your wife is terrifying.

William: I HAVE AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER NOW COME CHEAT WITH ME

“Cecilia”: I just can’t resist a good underground bunker!

You really want people to see you kissing someone they think is your sister?

William: It lowers their expectations from me without the ickiness of actually kissing her. So, yeah, don’t see a lot of drawbacks here.

William: If we’re gonna knock boots I’d at least like to know who you are. So I don’t have to scream out my sister’s name. Although I might do that anyway. I had a weird childhood.

“Cecilia”: Let’s just say I’m someone you know.

“Cecilia”: Someone dead you know.

William: That’s, like, everybody.

“Cecilia”: Well, I’m not everybody.

“Cecilia”: Are you sure your wife’s still in bed? I just got these brains back, I’d like to keep them for a while.

William: Somebody brought you back. Was it Peter? You used to live with Peter.
“Cecilia”: Yeah, it was Peter.
William: Oh god, you’re not a transgendered version of his brother, are you?!

“Cecilia”: Thanks for that image. Guess I won’t be sleeping tonight. Or eating, ever again.

“Cecilia”: Look dude, this isn’t twelfth level alchemy. You could figure it out if you really wanted to.

William: You’re a dead person who knew my dad. Ugh… you could be my mom. And with that possibility established, nope, pretty sure I don’t really want to figure it out.

Melanie: YES! He’s fucked off somewhere.

William: Fuck it, let’s just screw.

Let’s just screw off!

Next time: oh, you’ll see.

Don’t miss it.

See you on Tuesday!

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