Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!
I really ought to be getting something out of this.
I bet your significant others don’t put out this regularly for you.
Melanie: So hot!
William: You know you like it.
Melanie: I do! That’s why I set the thermostat so high.
William: You really know how to deflate a guy, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.
Melanie: Say that again, and I will. Through your dick.
Zombie Queen: I believe her.
William: So do I.
Neila: .oO(Help! Help! I’m being attacked by Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!)
William: Have you been telling my kids about their mother’s troubled past?
Mayhew: There are some things you’re born knowing.
Apparently Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is a genetic memory.
William: .oO(My kids must have really awkward feelings towards her, then, if they got that memory from me.)
Victor: .oO(It makes it easier to breastfeed from her, anyway.)
William: .oO(Great, my kid is gonna be into incest now.)
Mayhew: .oO(Well hello there, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!)
EVERYBODY STOP THINKING
Mayhew: Now that’s a platform I can get behind!
Mayhew: .oO(I could also get behind Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.)
William: So hey, you want the name-brand baby powder or the expensive stuff? Because I’m not wasting money on you if I don’t have to, my mom would be furious.
Victor: .oO(Huh? What? I can’t concentrate, this fucking virus won’t get out of my head.)
Neighbourhood corruption, I get.
But this is just absurd.
Melanie: Much like William’s ass!
William: Embrace the absurdity.
BUT NOT THIS ABSURDITY
Mayhew: Sure you don’t want me to handle that?
William: He already has waking nightmares about my wife. I don’t need you giving him night terrors.
Melanie: Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, we can drive to places where we should walk and use bottles for milk when tits are practically right next door!
William: Yeah, ‘cuz who wants zombie milk.
Melanie: Am I ever gonna hear the end of this?
William: Maybe after they finalize the death toll.
William: .oO(Man, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard sure takes things hard.)
Victor: .oO(Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard should just chill out.)
Mayhew: .oO(Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is a stone-cold superfox.)
William: .oO(No arguments here!)
NO MORE TELEPATHY
A glamour shot for the ladies.
The ladies who are hot for chauvinists, that is.
Which is to say all of them.
Kelly: I should sue you for that.
You can’t sue your maker.
Kelly: I know, I’m just making sure people remember that I’m a lawyer. For later.
Melanie: We need to talk about boundaries, Mayhew.
Mayhew: No, we need to talk about your diet. Uuuugh.
Mayhew: I hope you save a few extra scrubs for your ass.
Mayhew: Your fine, fine-
Melanie: That’s good, thanks, bye.
Melanie: Suddenly the whole “prancing about naked” thing starts to look a bit ill-advised.
Melanie: I’m still hot with my clothes on.
You’re hotter with your clothes on. I never liked your nude skin.
I never liked any of this, but it’s been so much fun not liking it.
William: The bitches love it.
Melanie: I might need to invest in a burqa.
Melanie: And make him wear it over his eyes.
William: Yeah, I’ll admit, she’s got a nice bust. But you’re mysterious, and that counts for a lot too.
“Cecilia”: Is Melanie in the room right now?
William: Yeah, but she doesn’t know we’re talking about her.
William: She’s too discombobulated by our butler leching all over her.
“Cecilia”: And you’re not bothered by that?
William: Why should I be? I could kill him at any time.
Melanie: That’s my man!
Mayhew: FOR NOW.
I bet this is what a marriage between Churchill and Girl Hitler would look like.
Victor: .oO(Does it look like the ceiling? Because without object permanence, the ceiling is the only thing I understand right now.)
Amin: I’ll teach this bitch to break into our house!
Gonna shoot up the place?
Amin: No, I’m gonna hold an invisible drinks tray angrily.
That’ll show her.
Nobody cheated on you.
NOBODY CHEATED ON YOU.
William: EVERYBODY CHEATED ON ME. They’re all mine.
Melanie: Any reason this one is on the floor?
Mayhew: They have names, you know. And that one’s name is Mat.
Mayhew: This one’s name is also Mat, but you only need one at a time.
Mayhew: Your bum tastes funny.
Mayhew: Like mother, like whatever gendered offspring you are!
William: Have you been doing something revolting?
Mayhew: Only by half. I am wearing gloves.
William: What are you doing in here?
Victor: .oO(CLEARLY I HAVE SOME SORT OF AGENCY IN ALL THIS)
Victor: .oO(I’m gonna get Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard to fuck him up.)
Melanie: Pfff. That’s so last decade.
Melanie: We’ve both moved on! My sexy husband is an expert pool player now, so he doesn’t have to shoot strangers to make a living any more!
William: But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop!
William: God, don’t even suggest that!
Melanie: Start with the butler.
I forget why.
Melanie: Our kids turned out fantastic!
William: Let’s wait until their personalities form to make that appraisal.
William: I hope they get your assertiveness and my morals.
Melanie: Or my morals and your assertiveness!
William: No, because then I’ll have to kill them.
You probably will anyway.
Melanie: Our kids will rule the world one day.
William: Assuming we don’t destroy it first.
Melanie: Our horrific past makes me so horny.
William: That doesn’t surprise me, even if my sunglasses make it look like it does.
Melanie: Can I have that one? I think he looks more interesting.
Melanie: Aww, look at his little face! He’s so cute!
Neila: .oO(This is going in my biography of you.)
Melanie: Man, how about we just focus on that one and let this one fend for herself from now on?
Neila: .oO(This blows.)
Melanie: I bet Victor wouldn’t make puns.
Victor: .oO(Piece of cake!)
William: Why are we stalling?
Melanie: Because we don’t want to see what they end up looking like.
William: Yeah, this is gonna be a shitfest.
So let’s just splatter them on the ceiling instead.
What, no dragon outfits or white tuxedos?
I call shenanigans.
They almost look human.
Actually, Neila just looks like a tiny girl William.
So she needs to die.
Victor: .oO(More food for me!)
Victor: .oO(Or sure, let’s waste it all on the dead girl.)
Mayhew: Alright, grace period’s over. Into the trash compactor.
Neila: .oO(Wait! WAIT! I thought you were gonna kill me!)
William: My wife looks stupid. You’re fired.
Neila: .oO(You do look pretty stupid.)
I can’t wait to see how stupid you’re gonna look.
Oh, wait, I already know.
And it’s not very interesting.
Victor: .oO(Wow! Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard, present at my very first shit! I can’t wait to tell all my therapist!)
Melanie: You were thinking that thing again, weren’t you.
Victor: .oO(I bet this is how Girl Hitler would feel.)
Melanie: BEAR. Bear.
Victor: OH MY GOD WHERE
Melanie: Mommy. Mommy.
Victor: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!
Melanie: Good enough.
Neila: .oO(My hair tastes like hair.)
Victor: .oO(My brains feel like OH GOD MY HAND IS IN MY HEAD)
William: My porn feels like tingling.
William: I really need to start cheating again.
Neila: .oO(I learned to teleport!)
I just didn’t want to show how you got there.
Neila: .oO(Also I can talk to god!)
That’s no big deal. The hard part is getting him to talk back to you, with a minimum of swearing.
Victor: WHY DOES SHE GET TO TELEPORT AND I DON’T
Neila: .oO(Maybe you do?)
Victor: STOP CUTTING SO MANY PICS
Melanie: If you can learn to teleport, you can damn well learn to shit.
William: Wow, Mayhew was right. There is something very wrong with whatever we’re eating.
Melanie: At least it comes out okay!
Melanie: Once I was the Zombie Queen. Now I watch babies shit.
This is why you don’t half destroy the world.
Melanie: I’ll do better next time.
I dunno, you’re definitely owning that whole “watching babies shit” thing.
William: WHERE DOES THIS SHIT GO
William: FINE FUCK IT THEN
Neila: .oO(Tastes like splinters!)
Zombie Queen: BAWK! Choke and croak! BAWK!
Blah blah blah Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.
Amin: What the fuck is causing that, anyway?
Probably the reputation system.
Amin: No way? You mean people actually know that bitch?
I know, right?
And she’s kept such a low profile all her life!
Melanie: Well come on!
Victor: YOU JUST WANT TO EAT MY BRAINS
Melanie: Don’t be silly! We need to grow them first!
Melanie: That way at least one man in this house will have some.
William: I don’t need brains. I’ve got money.
Melanie: Awesome, you can run now! The chase will be fair.
Victor: Mommy taught me how to flee!
Neila: .oO(IF ONLY SHE’D TAUGHT ME HOW TO RESPOND)
Victor: I think she hates you.
Melanie: It’s more of an apathy thing.
William: Let me put my apathy thing into you, baby.
William: All this talk about your ass is making Captain Sparkles worried.
Melanie: At ease, Captain!
Victor: Did you hear that?
Neila: .oO(SPEAK NO EVIL HEAR NO EVIL)
Neila: .oO(Maybe they’re making a new baby they’ll like more than Victor, and we can at least be partners in unfavouritism.)
Victor: This must be what albino Godzilla feels like.
Victor: His limbs must be worth a fortune.
Neila: .oO(Does this look dirty to you?)
Victor: I’m glad I can’t read your thoughts.
Neila: Me too.
Neila: Me too.
Victor: SHIT PARTY!
Neila: .oO(Shit YEAH!)
Neila: .oO(I’m glad we’re so close.)
Victor: I could do with a little less closeness, honestly.
Mayhew: I’M STILL HERE AND THIS COUNTER IS FUCKED AND MY NECK IS BROKEN
William: Someone’s stupiding downstairs.
Melanie: Why don’t you go help them with it.
Victor: Oh god, it’s back!
Mayhew: Bet I could hoof you through that wall.
William: …wait a minute. I’ve never won any awards!
William: Which is its own entire kind of bullshit!
William: Oh, right, this was Sunny’s. Hahaha! Dead people.
Melanie: She had it coming.
William: Come on over! She’s still in bed.
“Cecilia”: I’m not coming over unless you build a goddamn underground bunker. Your wife is terrifying.
William: I HAVE AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER NOW COME CHEAT WITH ME
“Cecilia”: I just can’t resist a good underground bunker!
You really want people to see you kissing someone they think is your sister?
William: It lowers their expectations from me without the ickiness of actually kissing her. So, yeah, don’t see a lot of drawbacks here.
William: If we’re gonna knock boots I’d at least like to know who you are. So I don’t have to scream out my sister’s name. Although I might do that anyway. I had a weird childhood.
“Cecilia”: Let’s just say I’m someone you know.
“Cecilia”: Someone dead you know.
William: That’s, like, everybody.
“Cecilia”: Well, I’m not everybody.
“Cecilia”: Are you sure your wife’s still in bed? I just got these brains back, I’d like to keep them for a while.
William: Somebody brought you back. Was it Peter? You used to live with Peter.
“Cecilia”: Yeah, it was Peter.
William: Oh god, you’re not a transgendered version of his brother, are you?!
“Cecilia”: Thanks for that image. Guess I won’t be sleeping tonight. Or eating, ever again.
“Cecilia”: Look dude, this isn’t twelfth level alchemy. You could figure it out if you really wanted to.
William: You’re a dead person who knew my dad. Ugh… you could be my mom. And with that possibility established, nope, pretty sure I don’t really want to figure it out.
Melanie: YES! He’s fucked off somewhere.
William: Fuck it, let’s just screw.
Let’s just screw off!
Next time: oh, you’ll see.
Don’t miss it.
See you on Tuesday!