The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 109

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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Yup. Tuesday.

Get used to it.

A bit.


Checking in with Mother again?

Cameron: It beats sitting around staring at the yellow wallpaper.

Roger: You know, it’s a federal offense to interfere with the mail.
Daisy: I was just going to interfere with their lives.
Roger: Oh, that’s okay then.

Cameron: So yeah, I hear they’re still agitating to have us ex-zombies tried as war criminals. I can count on you to represent me, right?
Ember: That depends on whether or not I think I can win. Mommy’s got a career to think about, after all!

Andrew: My wife, the convict! Hot.

Daisy: I’ll pay you both to kill yourselves!
Kent: How would we benefit from that?
Caryl: If we’re dead, yeah?
Daisy: You’re too stupid to worry about that.
Kent: Oh! Right.

Daisy: Hey y’all! The door was locked, so I thought I’d come in.

Andrew: So… um… how’s that baby? That you had? Which I am not the father of?
Daisy: You need to talk to your mother-in-law, buddy, those were some awful leading questions.

Daisy: Anyway, calm down. I’m not gonna tell her you gave me carpet burns.
Andrew: What about all the other people I gave carpet burns to?

Amin: Some of them got pregnant, too.

Amin: I hope we don’t get an entire neighbourhood of Murphys again.

Good luck with that.

At least they don’t tend to live long.

For some reason.

Emerson: .oO(I’m screwed.)

Andrew: You wanna get screwed too, Cam?
Cameron: Dammit! I was sure this fuzzy sweater would disguise my breasts better.

Andrew: HI EMBER YOUR GRANDKIDS ARE AWESOME
Ember: Do you mean ugly?
Andrew: Sort of, yeah.

Cameron: Why are you here?
Daisy: I wanted to thank you for saving my life from those zombies.
Cameron: To make it look less like you staged the whole thing to get me infected?
Daisy: Does your insurance company know you’re so perceptive? Because your premiums might go up.

Cameron: You’re not going to kill me in broad daylight in the middle of the street.
Daisy: You wouldn’t say that if you really knew me.

Daisy: Anyway, I promise I’ll visit you in jail.

Cameron: Maybe we’ll be cellmates.

Cameron: Don’t you have a job or something?
Andrew: I’m working the graveyard shift.
Cameron: Can’t you get anything better? You must have seniority by now.
Andrew: I’m a mad scientist, though. Every shift is the graveyard shift. That’s where we get the parts.

Andrew: Heh… I remember when we used to do stuff.

Yeah, this is much better, isn’t it.

Cameron: Yeah.

BIRT DAYZ OMG

Kent: Does that mean no more of this? Because that would be pretty much alright.

Kent: I’m rubbing this all over you.
Amin: Fine, I’ll kill you later.

Melanie: How did I get here?!

My theory is you’re always here.

Biding your time.

Melanie: Biding my time for what?

I dunno. A storyline?

Amin: Pff, good luck. We’ve been waiting for ages.

Cameron: Come on, Angelica! Blow!
Angelica: Why waste the effort? I know you’ll pick up the slack.

Andrew: Dammit Nathaniel! Put your belly into it!
Nathaniel: Mommy says not to roll around in fire!
Andrew: And Daddy says understand metaphors.

Melanie: And Melanie says don’t point your telescope at my house even though you didn’t and it’s impossible.
Amin: That definitely needed some metaphors in it!

Amin: And a shotgun to back it up.

Cameron: Hey kids, look! It’s Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Melanie: ONE BULLSHIT AT A TIME PLEASE

Angelica: My bullshit first, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Amin: I hate Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Kent: I hate life.

Wow… you actually aged up normal!

Your clothes are alright and everything!

Must be because you’re ugly.

Cameron: And you’re ugly too! You’re ugly too!
Angelica: Can we go back to “coochie coochie coo”? It was somehow less offensive.

Cameron: Then hurry up, bitch, we haven’t got all day.

Nathaniel: Who’s taking care of Emerson?
Angelica: Who cares?

Angelica: THIS HOUSE IS MINE NOW

Cameron: Oh god, it’s the worst of both worlds.

Nathaniel: I’m not that bad.

Just stand next to your sister a lot, and that will become the general consensus.

Angelica: I’m just unique.

And you’ll stay that way. Because nobody’s gonna help you pass on those genes.

Nathaniel: We’re gonna kill the butler!
Angelica: He has to die for his crimes!
Kent: I can’t really argue.

Angelica: We made him into clothes!
Nathaniel: And glasses!
Angelica: That was the hard part.

Nathaniel: Aren’t we adorable?

Fifty years plus… good god. I don’t think I’ll make it.

Angelica: AREN’T WE ADORABLE

As long as they think so, it’s fine.

Getting the grand floor tour, huh?

Emerson: .oO(At least I get to travel a lot for my age.)

Nathaniel: CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD

Nathaniel: AND FEMA

Nathaniel: I burned my muffin.
Angelica: My lobster thermidor needs more butter.

Nathaniel: Fatass.

Kent: Apologize to your sister, Nathaniel.
Nathaniel: I’m sorry we didn’t really kill the butler, Ange!
Kent: Good boy.

Pierce: Hey kid, wanna see a-
Nathaniel: My flamingo tells me never to talk to strangers.
Pierce: What if a stranger told you never to talk to flamingos?
Nathaniel: My flamingo tells me I’d have to kill them.

Amin: How’s about you give the kids to me, and I don’t tell your bosses what a tool you are?
Kent: Look, I didn’t ask to be a baby travel agent.
Amin: You’re not a baby travel agent!
Kent: That’s what I said! But that little bastard, he’s got me all confused.

Look! I put some effort in!

Now I can slack off for a few more decades.

Nathaniel: DID I GET EFFORT TOO?!

Kent: Probably not. Your parents spent it all debating whether or not to abort you.

Kent: They decided in favour of it, but the procedure didn’t take.

Nathaniel: He is gonna die, right?

Yeah, I think so. I’m not sure what of, though.

Nathaniel: Good! I can dream, then.

Amin: This sugared sponge is okay.

This is what I do with my real house, too.

Cameron: We never really talk any more.

Cameron: Isn’t that great?!

He’s dreaming about thicker walls.

Andrew: I think you woke the kids up.
Cameron: What can I say? You really know how to work that mechanical hand.

Andrew: She really needs to get checked out, I’m still pissing out embalming fluid afterwards.

Andrew: Sleep tight, honey! Daddy loves you. And probably mommy too, but who knows. Bitches.

Angelica: …close your flap a bit more. Good god.

Andrew: Sleep tight, little-
Nathaniel: I DON’T WANNA SEE YOUR JUNK

Andrew: THAT’S NOT WHAT YOUR MOM SAID

Let’s not put too much stock in whatever that person says, though.

Andrew: I wish she’d wear the wetsuit to bed, but she’s really opposed to cutting a slit in it for some reason.

Elle: Hey kid! Walking to school?
Angelica: Nope! Generating a bus with my mind.

Angelica: Heheh. Knowledge of schedules is power.

Nathaniel: What’s knowledge of toy cars?

Unless you’re a regular on Pawn Stars, nothing.

Stephen: If anyone asks, they were doing this when I got here.

…I thought you became a cop?

Ally: I’m undercover as a cheerleader.

But you were a cheerleader. Before.

Ally: It’s a very good cover.

Jerry: DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT

So yeah, the stupid fucking house bugged out.

Yay for backups.

There are a few weird consequences, though.

Like Ally’s second collegehood.

The fridge door being stuck open.

And apparently that gate being naked.

There’s three babies, Ember.

Ember: So? They’ve both got two arms.

Stephen: DON’T LOOK, XAVIER

Basement nursery!

Because fuck good camera control.

Isn’t it great that you don’t have to breast feed?

Ember: Thank god for the ESRB.

Stephen: I dunno, I’d like to try it at least once.

Ember: Your persistent and ever-increasing weirdness never ceases to excite me.

Ember: Same goes for you! Only the exact opposite.

So apparently we’re the mafia now.

Ally: SO APPARENTLY I’M A MAFIA MAID NOW

Gerald: HAVE YOU NO DECENCY

Gerald: …what the fuck did I do that for?

Search me.

Ugh.

Don’t search me.

Ally: Search me!
Gerald: But I can only search your mouth this way!
Ally: Keep searching until you find my tongue!
Gerald: I found it! It’s in my esophagus!

God. Can you not feel the waves of don’t-care I’m sending your way?

Ally: I think it would be a good idea if you move in with us, Gerald.

WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU

Gerald: More like, what are you planning to do to me?

EVERYTHING.

All at once.

Ally: Wanna fool around? That tasteful nude outside has me really turned on.

STOPIT

Ally: So, this is our basement. We live here.
Gerald: All of you?
Ally: No, I mean, you and I. And the kids. Who we look after.
Gerald: You mean I’m moving into my own house to remain a fucking maid?!
Ally: Not exactly! You’re more of a live-in butler now.

Gerald: I’m gonna be one of the serial killer ones, not one of the Batman ones.

Ally: Dear Diary, what have I done?

Ally: Oh god he’s nothing at all

Yeah, were you drunk or something?

Gerald: People too often underestimate the life-changing attributes of roofies.

Gerald: Although this whole “still a manslave” thing is kinda getting me down.

Look on the bright side! You won’t live long.

Ally: OR PROSPER.

Ebony and ivory!

Is a moronic metaphor.

Wren: .oO(Yeah, fuck that black kid.)

No! I mean, well, yes, but not because he’s black.

Because he’s Maxis.

Gerald: I’m guessing this is a nudist house. That’s the only acceptable reason for there being a nude picture of my fiancĂ© on the wall.

Ally: What are you, a gate or something?!

What are you doing? You’re not a Family Sim!

Ember: I’ve had just about enough of this caste system bullshit.

ROMANCE SIMS CAN’T DO WHAT YOU’RE DOING

Ember: Fine, the game’s bugged. Happy?

Ember: WELL HELLLOOOO THERE BIG BOY

Ember: Well helloooo there… medium-sized boy.
Gerald: The air conditioning’s on too high.

Gerald: And I’m small boned.

Gerald: And I’m going to have sex with you.

Gerald: We’ve decided we’re exhibitionists now.
Ember: Be sure to tell them that, at the homeless shelter.

Gerald: Fascist.

Stephen: I wouldn’t have let the eye candy live with us if I knew it was gonna bring manjunk with it.

Ally: Just because I wear a French maid outfit doesn’t make me eye candy!

Sure it does.

Ally: WELL IT’S RUDE TO POINT IT OUT

Gerald: Just so we’re clear, once I marry her, you can’t have sex with her.

Stephen: No worries! Cheating’s totally not my thing.
Gerald: Except now that we’re talking about cheating, you’re glowing. Like it’s your One True Hobby.

Stephen: Nah, my One True Hobby is art. The glow just comes from being really proficient.
Gerald: Well I guess that’s okay then.

Ember: I’m out. Let me know when I care.

Stephen: If I catch the bouquet, I get first dibs on the bride.

Ember: My contract stipulates that nobody gets hot kisses but me.

Sorry guys. A contract’s a contract.

Stephen: They sure do seem to be in love.
Ember: I’m sure there’s something we can do about that.

Gerald: I’m game!
Ally: I’ve killed men in my sleep.
Gerald: I’m game, when she’s at work.

Ally: Stop by while I’m at work, okay, Stephen?
Stephen: I think I’ve seen this porn movie.

Gerald: I would never cheat on my wife! As far as she knows.
Stephen: I believe him! She looks really hot in his speech balloon.
Ally: I think he makes me look tacky.

Ember: Live a little, boy! A ring ain’t no thing.

Ember: Take Stephen and I for example. We’ve been together since well into his first marriage.
Stephen: I wonder why Abigail never disintegrated you?
Ember: It wouldn’t work. None of my atoms can bear to be separated from me. I’m just that awesome.

Stephen: Preaching to the choir, baby.

Stephen: Hey, wanna make arbitrary distinctions between disconnected phenomena?

Ember: As long as we can do it uncomfortably!

Gerald: This is truly where I belong!

Gerald: …on this filthy mattress.

Ember: I assume the filthiness was your contribution?
Stephen: Damn straight! They sell the stupid things clean!

Gerald: Luckily I make all my pajamas out of used bathroom rags.

Ember: Uh-oh! Looks like nobody touched this nothing!

Ember: AND GYPSIES TOUCH OUR NUDIE PICS

Ember: The modern world is so complicated.

Ember: So I’m gonna give my womrats cancer.

I’m sure it would like to complain about that.

But I’ve forgotten its name again, so it can’t.

Ember: Yeah, I’m drawing a blank too.

Ember: HAHAHA slavery.

It’s what’s forever!

Next time: more fucking baby shit.

Let’s call it “girlservice.”

Because they lap that shit up!

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