The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 103

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Back, despite a marked lack of popular demand!

Not that I’m sore or nothin’.


This week on Days of Our Spies…

…everyone continues to think about Melanie every fifteen seconds.

Melanie: It’s so sexy the way he handles that baby.

Things I didn’t need to know about you.

Victor: .oO(Just think… the bosom of Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard. It’s an honour to sink my-)

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

FOREVER.

Neila: .oO(It smells like glory and brains in here. Did Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard just pass through?)

Synchronized simming.

William: Oh man, she’s got my eyes!

Pretty cool, eh?

William: No! Now all the ladies will want her, and I’ll have competition!

Melanie: I like how his eyes are red.

Because it makes him look as evil as you are, deep down inside?

Melanie: No, I just like red.

William: I’M MAD THAT I CHEATED ON MY LAST FIANCE SO SHE TURNED HERSELF INTO A TEENAGER AND WENT TO COLLEGE AND IS NOW DATING SOMEONE I’VE NEVER HEARD OF EVEN THOUGH I’M ALREADY MARRIED TO MY PRIMARY NEMESIS WHO CAUSED MY FAMILY TO DIE AND ALMOST ENDED THE WORLD EXCEPT MY LAST FIANCE STOPPED IT FROM HAPPENING WITH HELP FROM ONE OF MY OTHER NEMESES.

I’m impressed you managed to come up with a single emotional response to that, really.

William: So long story short we need a butler.

William: ‘cuz we’ve already got a butt. Oh yeah. Smokin’.
Melanie: Are you being stupid back there again?
William: Probably.

Mayhew: Is this my month, or something?

Mayhew: Hey, this one’s got naked celebrities in it! Must be the bonus round.

Still haven’t gotten the yellow one back, eh?

William: I’d have to talk to those Murphy kids, and you know what a chore that is.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really do.

Mayhew: Wanna play Truth or Dare?

William: I can’t believe this is still here.

Oh, the good old days. Before you were even a character, really.

Kill them with fire.

William: STORE’S CLOSED EVERYONE GO HOME
Gerard: It’s been closed for like twenty years
William: SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE

Lydia: I’ve always wanted to be a Bond girl.

William: I don’t have time for any Lydia Lovin’, I’m on a tight schedule of not being sure why I came here.

Lydia: Well, at least I’ve got a name for my debut porn film now.

I’m glad we did this.

This was very important.

Peter: .oO(Fuck you!)

William: I really need to stop doing that.

Mayhew: I totally wasn’t going to shoot your wife for the bounty you don’t know is on her head.

William: Well that’s good.

Melanie: A love letter! That’s so sweet!

Especially if you don’t check to see who it’s from, or who it’s to.

Melanie: Especially if I don’t check to see who it’s from, or who it’s to.

You’ve got a job?! What as?

Melanie: Hypnotist.

By any chance, do you hypnotize them into having thought balloons about you all the time?

Melanie: Do what you know.

Mayhew: Man! All this flammable material, but for free!

Hey hey, who’s the whatever?

William: This is Plain Jane Monif, but we never call her that to her face. Wanna see my house, baby?
Jane: In a nonspecifically sexual way, totally!

William: I’m gonna have trouble sticking it in you, just so you know, but bear with me. Once I get some momentum going, it’ll at least be good for you.

Jane: I’m not interested in being your degrading sex toy!
William: Shit! I didn’t know you were a feminist! But I should have, since you’re so boring and unattractive.

William: Just the tip? Just to see if it compensates for your face?

Mayhew: Hmm… looks more like a two-bagger.

William: When is it normal to bring garbage bags into the house?
Mayhew: When they contain things you don’t want the raccoons to find.

William: Sexytime!

William: …sexytime?
Melanie: Time waits for no dong.

William: I’m trying to make out with you!
Melanie: And I’m trying to identify these remains in our trash compactor.

William: Well, have your people call my people, and maybe we can arrange a good time for you to be my fucking wife.

Melanie: You’re being sexist and old-fashioned again.
William: Thank you, I usually can’t tell.

William: But at least it stopped you moving.

William: Also, grats. I hear people think about you more than sex now.

The baby is smelly. The baby needs its diaper changed. The baby does not need a bottle.

Mayhew: Who said this was about her needs?

Neila: .oO(Somebody teach me to talk so I can call for help!)

Don’t hold your breath, the tonsil hockey game’s on.

Mayhew: There. That’s better.

Yep.

Melanie: William? You’ll know this. How do you get entrails out of something?

William: If it’s a relative, I leave it alone with my wife.

Melanie: You channel your hatred into the best sex!

Chelsea: If by “whatever happened to that nice man you were dating” you mean “where is the corpse of the evil serial killer who used you for sex buried,” then… you already know the answer to your original question, sis.

Chelsea: But I’m training a new one.

Chelsea: It turns out sex is less fun when it isn’t behind someone’s back.

I’ve always thought so.

Best object positioning ever.

Brandi: Hi Mrs. Price!
Chelsea: Which Brandi are you again?
Brandi: The one who turns out to be evil later than the other one.
Chelsea: So, not relevant yet.
Brandi: Right.
Chelsea: Be seeing you.

“Cecilia”: Look who hasn’t been promoted in twenty years!

“Cecilia”: But at least my kid totally isn’t getting molested.

“Cecilia”: Hey random stranger!

“Cecilia”: Let’s wreck Chelsea’s house!

“Cecilia”: And seduce one of her boyfriends!

“Cecilia”: That part’s just gonna be me, though.

William: Captain Sparkles to the rescue!

“Cecilia”: Laci’s hair sure looked stupid the night she died!

William: YOU’RE MAKING IT DIFFICULT NOT TO GUESS WHO YOU REALLY ARE. And I kinda like it.

William: And it’s AWESOME.

William: SO awesome.

Mayhew: Where should I position him for maximum psychic scarring?

Mayhew: Oh hey, you’ve got one of these. I’m going to pretend I know what it is.

William: What will people say if they think I’m in love with my sister?

They’ll say, “again?!”

William: Hahaha! I don’t get it.

“Cecilia”: SO APPARENTLY MY “NO BUTLERS” SIGN WAS TOO VAGUE

Mayhew: I don’t take hints easily.

“Cecilia”: I’m sure you could figure out who I am with very little effort.
William: But then I might not want to have sex with you.

Vicki: Oh, I dunno. I doubt anything could do that. I’ve got a mirror.

William: But this way I can pretend I’m fucking a serial killer or something!

“Cecilia”: Hahaha! Because that’s totally not what I am!
William: Right, because you’re not actually my sister.
“Cecilia”: And there definitely haven’t been any other serial killers around here!
William: STOP TRYING TO SPOIL THE PLOT FOR ME

I don’t know many pregnant rock stars.

Chelsea: Eating bat heads is so passé. These days you need to give birth on stage to be really metal.

William: Well, whoever you are, you’re good in concrete.
“Cecilia”: That’s like “good in bed,” only…
William: …only on concrete, yeah. I didn’t have a long time to think of a good one-liner, I was too busy. Fucking you.
“Cecilia”: In concrete.
William: Yeah, okay, not very good is it?

Nick: .oO(What were you asking him to give to you over and over? Why wouldn’t he give it to you? Did he take your baseball because you smashed the upstairs?)

Chelsea: Have a good time not banging me?

William: Not banging you is a hard, lonely lifestyle. Sometimes you need to come in from the cold.
Chelsea: By which you mean coming in someone’s vagina.
William: Not bad, eh? Got my mojo back.

“Cecilia”: TODDLER POOPING IS NOT AS FUN AS THEY SAID IT WAS

Vicki: It’s a lot more tolerable as a selective montage.

William: I’d selectively montage her! In the cooter.

Chelsea: SPEAKING OF COOTERS

Chelsea: MINE IS EXPLODING

Chelsea: I THINK THIS THING HAS SPIKES ON

Oh, thank god. She’s hot again.

NO, NOT THE BABY. Goddamit you people.

This is Dylan Price! She is a girl. Because girls with boy’s names are hot. When they’re not babies. When they’re babies, it’s just confusing.

Chelsea: So let’s leave her here until she’s a teenager.

Chelsea: How much of this was a plot to get me to bend over?

The entire chapter.

Dylan: .oO(Mommy swut.)

Yep.

But she’s good at it.

“Cecilia”: SHE SURE IS.

Chelsea: On a related note: job whoring!

Chelsea: These people should really be stingier with their employment benefits.

Nick: Would you like a foot massage? I offer very reasonable rates.

It’s never to early to start on a career.

Nick: I find your lack of faith disturbing! Force choke!

Well, maybe it should wait until after you acquire object permanance.

“Cecilia”: Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. That’s the-

“Cecilia”: -stuHUHUHUHUHUHUHUFFFFFF

“Cecilia”: I love it when the power grid flickers.

Mayhew: Seriously? Do I have to do everything myself?!

Mayhew: No wonder you people need butlers.

Off to work, supermom?

“Cecilia”: Yep!

So, what team is it that lets you keep coaching them when you’ve been dead for twenty years and are pretending to be someone else?

“Cecilia”: The SimCity Fighting Llamas. They’re bottom of the league. They almost got to the playoffs in ’54, but the SimCity Fighting Llamas beat them in overtime. But they always choke in the big leagues, so those damn Fighting Llamas from SimCity got the pennant, again.

Nick: Maxis makes my teeth fall out of my face.

Dylan: .oO(Maxis makes me stink.)

Mayhew: Maxis makes me weird and molesty!

Mayhew: That’s the defense I intend to give at the hearing, anyway.

Nick: Oh shit, what’s that over there? Is it I can walk away from you now, you horrifying pervert? Holy shit, it is!

Chelsea: Oh god! I just had this weird dream that I wasn’t hot as all fuck!

I’ve spot checked you, it’s fine.

Chelsea: Man, I might as well stay awake now. You can never get a dream back.

What were you dreaming?

Chelsea: That you were dead.

I have that dream sometimes, too.

Like, right now for instance.

Uuuuugh.

Mayhew: Christ, am I gonna have to join the Sim Actors Guild now or something?

Bradley: Stop kicking my dick.
Lance: .oO(Stop being naked.)

Bradley: I can’t believe Sullivan broke into our house.
Lora: I can’t believe you lugged a new refrigerator up those stairs just so we wouldn’t have to get bottles from the kitchen.
Bradley: I can’t believe our fucking butler still hasn’t figured that out.

Lance: Book! Book, mummy!
Lora: What, you trying to make me sick or something?

Lewis: .oO(Best fwends with NO-ONE!)

Bradley: I’ve still got his naked footprint on my naked ass…

Emily: I love old people UFC!

Bradley: BRADLEY. BRADLEY. Jesus kid, come on! BRADLEY!
Lewis: .oO(THAT’S NOT MY NAME YOU FOOL)

Mayhew: Man, my pants are tight today!
Joy: Aren’t I a bit old for you, Pervy Dan?

Mayhew: Yeah, but there’s too many witnesses in here.

Lora: If you molest my kids, I’m going to want our deposit back.
Mayhew: I’ll give notice.

Is it too much to ask for you guys to be a little bit less retarded?

Yes? I’m hearing yes?

Bradley: Could you maybe read it after I’m done?

Mayhew: Dammit, your wife’s in the tub already.
Bradley: So?

Mayhew: So now I have to throw this out instead.

Bradley: You could cook it in our food, I suppose.
Mayhew: Aw, but now you’ll see it coming!

This thing hasn’t turned off since Sullivan left.

It’s kind of an Eternal Hot Tub.

NEVER FORGET.

Bradley: I’m sure she meant to wait for me.

I’m sure she did.

Bradley: I’m sure there’s a totally unrelated reason she sewed my half of the sheets to the mattress, too.

Mayhew: I’M SURE THERE’S A REASON YOU’RE PARADING YOUR MICKEY ROONEYS THROUGH THE HOUSE ALL DAY

Brooke Enriquez: Did you just call his balls “Mickey Rooneys”?
Mayhew: Google him.

Lance: .oO(Run! RUN! He’s coming back!)

Lewis: .oO(We have to warn the Smurfs!)

Mayhew: I’m gonna go by “Arglebarglemel” from now on.

BEST BUTLER EVER.

Mayhew: Does she need to keep flashing her tits at me?
Lora: Do you need to keep missing the hint?
Mayhew: YOU’VE HAD OLD MAN DICK IN YOU. LIKE A BUNCH.

Lora: And I can’t seem to get away from it.

Bradley: Try having it attached to you.

Bradley: Anyway, time to pretend the closest route to the living room is around the entire house outside!

I hate old people.

Bradley: I’m gonna stack some crap on his head and upload it to YouTube.

Bradley: He won’t mind, we’re buds.

Lance: .oO(I say we kill all three of them and make new friends out of their flesh.)

Lewis: .oO(I’ll pretend to eat mommy, you pretend to eat Daddy.)
Lance: .oO(It would be easier if the clothes came off.)

Bradley: Stop trying to pull the lamp down, Lora, it’s six feet to your left. Learn to perspective.

Lora: It’s happening again somehow! I bet this is related to all that sex we had!

Bradley: Can you go do that somewhere else? Some of us have to work in the morning.

Lyndsey Price. Inexplicably, she’s a clone of Cameron despite only having one of the same parents.

Lora: It’s Bradley’s fucking face, it beats all the attractive genetics up.

Bradley: AND YET IT FAILED TO DEFEAT THE HIDEOUS RAPEBUTLER.

Bradley: Hey, cool, new thing! Woo! Okay, let’s ignore it now.

Lora: And this is the outside, where you’ll die of exposure in the winter because we refuse to walk under the arches between the kitchen and the living room.

Bradley: Where’d you put the kid?
Lora: I dunno, I forget. Wanna naked stargaze again?

Lance: .oO(She’s doomed.)

Bradley: Baby tripping! Hahaha! Gets me every time.

Mayhew: Aww! For me?

Mayhew: I’ve got your scars all picked out and everything.

Lyndsey: .oO(Kiss your carotid goodbye, asshole.)

Lora: The only thing better than kids is who cares about kids.

Fuck you guys, this house is awesome and you’re idiots.

Lyndsey: .oO(No arguments here.)

Bradley: What a guy! Look at this little dude! This little dude is going places!

Lora: My turn! My turn to break the baby!

SKRRUNCH

Lance: .oO(I think you just destroyed my ability to feel empathy.)
Lora: I think he’s okay.

Lance: .oO(Alright, alright, quiet! I’ve gotta listen to this! I need to learn how to fake human emotion, so they don’t get suspicious!)

Watch some Keanu Reeves movies, he’ll show you the way.

Or you’ll claw your eyes out.

Next time: Daisy sets a huge-ass plan in motion, for, like, ever.

It’s really long.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

Not Daisy, though.

Your mom.

Yeah.

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