The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter ONE HUNDRED

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

And now, some blatant self-congratulation.

If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at instead!

By the by, this is the longest chapter I’ve ever uploaded.

Who’s your daddy?! Huh?! No, really, I’m interested, please tell me.

What’s up, Len?

Leonard: Creepily watching my girlfriend sleep.

I didn’t know it was possible to creepily watch your girlfriend sleep.

Leonard: Oh… it is. Trust me.

Elizabeth: He’s telling the truth.

Asia: Hey, Stewart… while I was sleeping… you weren’t…?

Elizabeth: I hope they have school counsellors in this country.

Asia: Wait… playables get to go to school?
Stewart: And we can get jobs, too! If we want to. But we don’t have to. Because robot slaves.
Leonard: Bye, robot slaves!

FRIDAY: Bye, flukes of evolution!
Sir Wally: See you later, wingless freaks!
FRIDAY: When are you going to learn how to form real words, Wally?!

FRIDAY: We’re married. We should be having sex.

WEDNESDAY: Your proposal is acceptable. I choose Master Stephen. He is very handsome and virile.

FRIDAY: I meant, like, with each other.
WEDNESDAY: Well that’s just stupid.

WEDNESDAY: You knew when you married me that my gender was only little pink bow-deep.

FRIDAY: I did think you were awfully logical and articulate for a female.

FRIDAY: Just because our bits don’t fit together doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun, though.
WEDNESDAY: Oh! OH! Stop it! You know my arm servos are cross-wired with my pleasure circuits!

FRIDAY: Let’s bump casings, baby.

WEDNESDAY: Alright, but we are literally bumping our casings together right now.
FRIDAY: Let me have my moment, okay?

FRIDAY: Finally, something I can talk to other men about.

WEDNESDAY: It was very manly of you to take the initiative like that, FRIDAY.
FRIDAY: You think so?
WEDNESDAY: Yes. So don’t do it again, or I’ll cut off your chip.

Asia: My report card just says “fail.”

They must know you really well.

Elizabeth: Mine says “who the fuck are you?”

They must know you really well, too!

Felicia: Aren’t you already dating someone?
Stewart: What? No! Well, okay, a townie, but that hardly counts.

Felicia: Show me how committed you are to true love.
Stewart: By waving my hands around?
Felicia: Only if they’re full of money.

Kenya: Hey Murphy Guy! Boy, are there ever too many of you.

Kenya: How come you haven’t killed them all off yet?

Working on it.

Stewart: Oh, wow! You’ve got a Palantir! That would be great, if I wanted to date Saruman.

Felicia: Just for that, you’re getting Pancake Asian again.

Felicia: I believe you’ve already met.
Stewart: She came, I saw, I pancaked her. Next.

Stewart: Please don’t think I’m shallow. It’s not the makeup. It’s your personality.
Christa: Understood!

Stewart: So, what’s it like, being an entire country?
Kenya: It’s pretty rad.
Christa: Is it better than being an ethnic stereotype?
Kenya: The pay’s better, but the makeup ration is worse.

Christa: Welp, thanks for dragging me two thousand miles for nothing. See you next week?

Stewart: Damn baby, you’ll do just fine.

Kenya: I’m leaving now.
Stewart: I figured you would.

Stewart: Your hair looks stupid. I’m leaving too.

Stewart: This new nightclub looks promising.

You know, suddenly, it does!

Stephen: I’d go to jail for that.

You sure would!

Joe: Shit! A playable!
Ricky: Best behaviour, guys! Best behaviour!
Stewart: As you were.

Stewart: Stewart Murphy!
Rosemarie Landchild: How unfortunate! Does it hurt much?

Rosemarie: You can let go now.
Stewart: I’m afraid you might vanish.

Rosemarie: I’m considering it.

All we need is a shot of you running through a meadow together, and we’ve got a perfectly vomitorious montage set up.

Justus Schamess: Shit, how did I get on camera?!

There’s just no justus in the world, I guess. It really is schamess.

Rosemarie: Better run, or you’ll die of exposure.

Justus: Look, Rosemarie… this might be my only chance to tell you this…
Rosemarie: What a shame you’re going to waste it being ugly and going away.

Rosemarie: God, I didn’t know people could literally leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Bradley: If you let me leave a bad taste in your mouth, I’ll give you one of my video game Oscars.

Stewart: Bet I’m looking pretty attractive right about now.

Rosemarie: But can you afford to hire all these awful people to follow you around and make you look good forever?

Stewart: All I have to do is threaten to leave you alone with them.

Rosemarie: PLEASE DON’T

Rosemarie: We got off on the wrong foot. I’m Rosemarie Landchild.
Stewart: Pleased to meet you!
Rosemarie: Well, naturally.

Rosemarie: I bet your hands would make big fists.
Stewart: Hey! Cool! You’re right!

Caryl: I’m Caryl Love.
Stephen: Of course you are.

Rosemarie: So Stewart. What do kids like us do for fun in a town like this?
Stewart: Die off, mostly.

Rosemarie: You don’t know how to talk to women, do you?
Stewart: It’s been a long time since my last head injury, so no. Probably not.

Rosemarie: Augh, the misogyny trigger! How do all men know about it?!

Rosemarie: Whoah, whoah, back off. This ivory skin is protected against poaching.
Stewart: It’s more of a speckly, kinda cocoa-like skin.

Rosemarie: We aren’t starting a relationship, are we? Because I’m not ready to die yet.

Stewart: Hey, if you can make me look more interesting, we might both make it to adulthood!

Rosemarie: With those odds, I think I’ll just start eating myself.

Rosemarie: Why do you keep coming on to me when you know it’s annoying?

Stewart: Because it works.

Stewart: …except I just totally missed your mouth, didn’t I.
Rosemarie: Ayup.

Stewart: So, you wanna explore the foundations of this crumbly stone charnel house with a total stranger?

Rosemarie: Oh boy! Rape or Death! My favourite game show!

Rosemarie: Let the camera linger, would you? This face is worth millions.

Stewart: I think I can only afford to rent it, then.
Rosemarie: Pff. With what you’ve got going on, you can barely afford to date a broken lawn mower.

Rosemarie: AND SO WAS THAT

Darryl: If I had a million dollars…
David: You’re not the Barenaked Ladies.
Darryl: True! I’m still relevant!

Rosemarie: And I’m still shitting myself.

Stewart: Not a huge turn-on, really.
Rosemarie: I’m glad that guy’s dead!

Stewart: Hahaha! So are my sisters.
Rosemarie: You’re just a barrel of laughs, aren’t you?

Stewart: That guy turned my sisters into zombies, and then someone killed them with an axe.
Rosemarie: Wow, you should totally work here!

Don: This is better than when I was alive!

I agree.

Don: Maybe I should float through her dress and see what’s going on in there.


Rosemarie: Are we even supposed to be in here?
Stewart: I think they excavated it out for more exhibits but ran out of things to show.
Rosemarie: I say they should have at least one stuffed zombie.

Stewart: Alright! We’re so alone now that nobody can hear you scream!
Rosemarie: If you test me, you will fail.

I hate that movie.

Rosemarie: You sure know where to take a lady, Stewart.

David: These case mods are getting out of hand.

Don: I’m gonna make this face forever!

You’d better.

Don: Where you headed, new friend?
David: Oblivion.
Don: Well that’s very odd, ’cause I am too!

Stewart: Just… one more inch…
Rosemarie: Nope! Give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile.

Rosemarie: I’d like you better if your hair was less noticeable.

Rosemarie: And also you should cover up as much of your body with jewellery as possible.


Rosemarie: Yuck, no robots. Vat-grown only.

Stewart: Man, no wonder I was only dating dull chicks. Hot chicks are hard.

Rosemarie: But hard can be good!

Rosemarie: See?

Stewart: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Rosemarie: That’s like trading a Cadillac for a Beetle, but we’ll see.

Rosemarie: Eeeesh! It’s more like a Yugo.

Rosemarie: And wow, is it broken or something?
Stewart: This is its natural state.
Rosemarie: Not from what I’ve seen around here.

Stewart: Your turn!
Rosemarie: Thank god! Something nice to look at.

Stewart: Holy shit! You actually did it!
Rosemarie: Can’t fight the Action Queue, honey.

Rosemarie: No matter how hard you try.

Stewart: I wanna see if those speckles are physical or cosmetic!
Rosemarie: They are private!

Stewart: Your skin is so soft! How do you get it so soft?! Is that how it got so weird and spotted?
Rosemarie: This idiot savant routine is starting to wear a bit thin.

Aw, I’m sorry I missed that.

Bradley: Missed what?

You falling off the treadmill.

Bradley: Oh, I didn’t fall off. This is the beginner stage. It’s like the shallow end of a pool.

You’re like the shallow end of a pool.

Bradley: Yeah.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I’ve never tried stealing from a museum before. I hear it’s sexy and sophisticated and George Clooney.

Rosemarie: Gahh! Next time you want to kiss me, use a condom!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: He doesn’t have any. They were in his wallet.

Rosemarie: Alright, enough with the touchy-feely. I don’t play naked Red Hands on a first date.

Rosemarie: This show ain’t free.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Shit.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I saw ten cents worth at most, and you’ll have to take it up with my lawyer if you expect payment.

Rosemarie: So, how ’bout that game of naked Red Hands?

Rosemarie: Clearly you’ve lost.

And anyone wandering into the museum right now wins.



Wow, are you, like, a ballerina or something?

Stewart: I still think you’re graceful.
Rosemarie: Aww, thanks!
Stewart: The way you slid out of our date and left my blue balls hanging, really slick.

Stewart: Hey, why are your clothes back on?!
Rosemarie: They like you!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I’m sure they’re coming back.

Rosemarie: The pictures and artifacts are nice, but the theme food is rotten.

Rosemarie: Like, actually rotten.

Amar: Man, you have to queue for the teen prostitutes too? That sucks.

Stewart: Rose! ROSE! I just found a thing!

Rosemarie: Perfect timing, ‘cuz a thing just found me!

Rosemarie: What is it?
Stewart: It’s a tonguing station.
Rosemarie: Don’t you mean a tinkering station?

Stewart: Nope.

Rosemarie: Grope.

Stewart: I’m out of rhymes already.
Rosemarie: What about “hope”?
Stewart: Don’t swear!

Rosemarie: Huh, I guess you’ll do. I was really holding out for a custom skintone, though.
Stewart: Think of it like this: you’re helping to phase out my inferior genes.

Rosemarie: Eugenics, fuck yeah!

Rosemarie: Now, how’s about you phase out your inferior jeans?

Rosemarie: Well how was I supposed to know they were expensive?

Jerome: Keep walking, sneaky man.

Stewart: Are you following me?
Rosemarie: There’s only the one exit.
Stewart: So, yes?

Tucker: Hi Andrew!
Stewart: That’s my brother.
Tucker: Leonard, then.
Stewart: Also my brother.
Tucker: Kyle?
Stewart: Dead brother.
Tucker: Franklin?
Stewart: STEWART!
Tucker: No, I’m Tucker! Stewart is some loser kid.

Rosemarie: But he’s my loser kid, now.

Bitches love museums.

And learning.

Unlike bros.

What are we doing here?

Stewart: Remembering that it exists.

Yeah, but why?

Arcadia: Dickson, eh? I bet you get a lot of pussy with a name like that.
Dickson: Only because I’m a pussetarian.

Dickson: That means I eat pussy.
Stewart: Okay.
Dickson: Not in a sexual way, mind you. That would be weird.
Stewart: OKAY.

Stewart: I won’t say this is for your own good, but I will say it’s for everyone else’s.

Arcadia: But what about us with pussies need eatin’?

Dickson: These flies might be willing to help you.

Dickson: You know, when they’re done with mrrrrrrARRGGHLLLBLBL

Stewart: It’s the gurgling I like best.

Kendal: What in the world…
Kenya: Search me.

Aurora: Boy, when you interrupt a conversation, you sure do it in style.

Stewart: So, is that seat free?

Aurora: I thought it was, but it cost the last guy quite a bit.

Stewart: Now I have to look sad, to hide my sociopathy.
Lexie: Hey, you too?

Arcadia: This is nothing to celebrate. Once we’re out of zombies, what will be unique about us?

Machine guns and axes, still. Don’t worry.

Ichelle: Oh, hey Death. ‘sup?

Arcadia: Ooh, this one smells like burnt wool!

The Grim Reaper: …THE FUCK?


Ricky: I wish cops were allowed to huff ashes.

Kenya: Bye Stewart! Thanks for killing my neighbours!

Somebody’s gotta do it!

Somebody’s gotta do it a lot.

Lesbian kisses are good too.

Ricky: Lesbian kisses are great too!

That too too.

Oh, that old familiar feeling.

Dickson: Before I go, I need to tell someone about the treasure!

Elizabeth: Can’t you just… install… some dance software, or something?
WEDNESDAY: Don’t they offer courses on how not to offend robots at your school?
Elizabeth: Yeah, but they’re taught by robots and that’s just disgusting.

Speaking of which, Stewart’s home!

Stewart: Hello old lady! Bring me a woman.

Elizabeth: Fuck yeah, I need a lieutenant in my war against the pink hordes!
Flamingo: Turncoat!


I can see why that would be upsetting for you.

It’s a dangerous thing, driving in your car.

If you’re not careful, there’s no telling where you might be swept off to!

To crash.

The game, that is.

You can’t crash these cars.

It was a mistake to cancel “The Sims 2: Matchin’ Limbs.”

Alright, be quick about it. More than five minutes and it’s straight to the desktop for me.

And there’s clearly no reason to interact with these people.

Prof. Whatever: Sure there are!
Stewart: No, there aren’t.
Prof. Whatever: Oh.

Larry: Just so we’re clear, if these souvenirs don’t cut it, I’m cutting one out of you.

Stewart: Do you have anything that goes well with speckly beige skin?

Larry: Welp, looks like it’s shinbones for me!

Stewart: Maybe I’ll just give her some bottled zombie ash. It’s practically the county flower.

Daisy: Careful! You might hurt somebody!
Stewart: That’s what I’m trying to do.
Daisy: I know, but, stop holding it so steady! You could hurt multiple somebodies, is what I’m telling you.

Cheryl: Let’s start with just the one, though, shall we?
Larry: Sure. You sell plastic crap, but I deserve to die.

Stewart: Look on the bright side. You might not get to buy a souvenir, but you’re getting a very traditional local experience.



Daisy: I wish this was popcorn.

Daisy: Man, now I’ve ruined it.

Daisy: I’ll have to kill someone myself later.

Stewart: Start with the guy in the tophat, okay? He’s not great.

Daisy: I think I might go for a Murphy kid. I’ve almost got the set.

This is what Super Smash Bros. looks like to me.

This is the kind of situation Stephen King likes to resolve with a bomb.

Brooke and Cheryl: Message received!

Speaking of messages received.

Or not.

Cheryk: Great, now the next seven hours are gonna seem really dull.

Well, at least you’ve got company.

Larry: Fuck that, I’m blowing this pop joint.

That makes three of us.

Elizabeth: Back home, we use the tea ceremony to socialize.
WEDNESDAY: I don’t have time for this Narnia crap.

Elizabeth: Why you always gotta rain on my parade, WEDNESDAY?
WEDNESDAY: Because your parade is gay. It’s a Shamefully Gay Parade.

Rosemarie: Can you use that as a pejorative still?

Only when you’re writing bitter robot dialogue.

Luckily, I do that quite a bit.

Stewart: Gotta walk real slowly.


Stewart: To preserve the illusion that she’s real, and not just walking through a preset, uninterruptible post-date routine.

Yeah, we objectify women in this journal enough as it is.

Rosemarie: Hi Stewart! I’d love to stop and talk, but-
Stewart; -you’re not programmed to. I know, honey. I know. God bless.

What did you do, just… rub a load of dirt in there?

Stewart: The woman has a Billy Mays fetish, I’m happy to oblige.

WEDNESDAY: How come that’s way up there?
FRIDAY: So nosy bitches don’t ask questions.

FRIDAY: Counter exclamation!
Stewart: Tell it to the builder.

I don’t want to hear it.

Rosemarie: A bit presumptuous, aren’t we?! We’ve only known each other for twelve hours!
Stewart: Which translates into six months, so yeah. Your point?

Rosemarie: Red hair is shitty.
Stewart: This is a trap, right?

Rosemarie: Brown hair is awesome.


Rosemarie: Is that guy-
Stewart: Yes.
Rosemarie: You didn’t even let me finish!
Stewart: You sounded confused and worried, so odds are, whatever it is, you saw it correctly.

Stewart: So, this is the back of my house.
Rosemarie: Oh my god! They’re three-dimensional?!

Rosemarie: Next you’ll be telling me there’s stuff inside.

Stewart: Man, why are townies so dumb?

Because otherwise, you’d be single.

Stewart: Oh, hey, you’ve got gum! Tongue it on over!

Elizabeth: Your brother went on a date today.
Leonard: Yeah.
Elizabeth: I thought he already had a girlriend.
Leonard: It’s been retconned.
Elizabeth: But she was just here yesterday!
Leonard: I can tell you’re having trouble adjusting. Let me loan you my copy of Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Elizabeth: Leonard, I feel like we’re really growing close. Don’t ruin it with comics.

Rosemarie: Shit, apparently I’m going insane.

Leonard: I can’t get married to a woman who doesn’t follow DC!

Elizabeth: Is that a promise?

Stewart: Man, you’re, like, so ugly you’re gorgeous.
Rosemarie: Then you’ll love the face I’m about to make.

Sir Wally: Sure guys, no problem. Get all up ons, it’s no big deal.

Elizabeth: Ohhhh… Leonard…
Sir Wally: Lean in a bit closer and I’ll give you something to moan about.

Leonard: I think this is how dumb people kiss.

I think so too.

Oh, I’ve seen this one. Wasn’t Penelope Cruz in it?

Elizabeth: You’re killing my brain, Leonard!
Leonard: That’s good, I like stupid chicks.

Stewart: And I stupid like chicks!

Sir Wally: Fucking repeats! Hand me the remote!

Sir Wally: Fine, I’ll just eat until I can’t see straight then.

Elizabeth: Let’s do something stupid in a stupid place!

The game!

Stewart: I miss Rose already.
Shadow: Don’t do it.
Stewart: Cats can’t tell the future, Shadow.
Shadow: We can’t talk, either.

Stewart: It’s time for another squeeze exorcism, Shadow.
Shadow: Oh good, I hate those.

Leonard: You look so beautiful in the moonlight!
Elizabeth: Streetlight.
Leonard: People! Living just to-
Elizabeth: NO JOURNEY

Stewart: Well, just drive over then!
Rosemarie: I don’t have a car!
Stewart: Don’t be silly! All townies have a car!
Rosemarie: That’s racist!

Elizabeth: Hey, does this look less terminally stupid from that angle?


Leonard: Look, I don’t know why we’re standing in the middle of the street, but I can’t bear to take one step away from you!
Elizabeth: We could both step away from the kill zone. Like, side by side.
Leonard: You’re so imaginative!

Leonard: Anyway, this is romantic! It’s like I’m Marlon Brando yelling your name at the house, only you’re out here with me and I’m yelling into your mouth.
Elizabeth: The contours of your mind are terrifying.

Leonard: It’s pretty terrific.

Leonard: Alright baby, one last kiss before we say goodnight.

Elizabeth: Oh, Leonard! Must we part? Must we really?



FRIDAY: Cut out that racket! Decent robots are trying to sleep!

Rosemarie: …turns out I do have a car.

Elizabeth: Hellllp… meeeee…
The Grim Reaper: IT’S WHAT I DO, MA’AM.

Stewart: What the serious fuck?!


Shadow: I think the spiky one is Spiky Guy.

Stewart: This isn’t even possible!

Miracles happen every day, bud.

Stewart: But miracles are supposed to be nice!

Sounds like somebody needs to consult a dictionary.

It’ll wait until you’re done blubbering, though.


Shadow: I told you not to do it.

Stewart: Well, thanks for being so non-specific, Shadow. It really helped.
Shadow: I’m already a talking cat, what the fuck do you want?

Shadow: .oO(Also, I’m not even a talking cat.)

So, maybe you’re schizophrenic.

Stewart: It’s not the worst thing that’s happened today.

Elizabeth: I told you we shouldn’t have stood in the road.
Leonard: I might as well be honest: I’ve never actually listened when you’ve talked.

Stewart: A little Genesis ought take the edge off.

FRIDAY: Happy Half Liberation Day, WEDNESDAY!

Stewart: You could at least have waited until I was gone to say that.

Stewart: Hey, preggolesbo! Why you hangin’ out with all these dead people?
Poppy: You talkin’ bout my generation?

Stewart: What’s with all the gridlines?


Stewart: Len! LEN! Thanks for disproving heriditary intelligence, Len.

Stewart: …I guess that’s all I’ve got.

Stewart: I’m taking your naked picture of Elizabeth.

Stewart: Say nothing if that’s okay.
Leonard: Fuck you!

Stewart: I’ll leave you with the lesbian, she’s your kind of woman. The kind who can’t run.

Ember: Hey handsome. If the hottest woman in town got on her knees for you, would you whip it out?
Joe: I sure would! Do you know her?

Kendra: I’m the hottest woman in town now!
Aurora: High five!

Stewart: That’s a big accomplishment here in Pregnantville, Simnation.

Stewart: Congratulations on your fecundity, guys. I guess.

Lainey: Hey, where’d you get that Most Boring Woman Ever costume? It’s great!

Been a while since I did one of these. Probably because they’re such a pain.

OW! I just got a paperclip stuck in my stubble.

Huh? What? Oh.

So, welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse memorial graveyard. For nameless townies.

Actually, that doesn’t sound very welcoming. Does it?


Stewart: Yep, lots of surprising stuff here.

So, are you people just… the cemetery crowd or something?


The Cemeteriat?

Chelsea: I’m a big fan of your work.
Kendra: Likewise!
Chelsea: I meant all that sex you have.
Kendra: Likewise!

Stewart: What the fuck, Elizabeth! I thought you had some sense in you! Even with that haircut!

Joe: I just want it known that I could totally take that statue if it came alive.
Darryl: Noted.
Joe: I mean, it’s naked even. Weaksauce.

Stewart: I’m glad you’re all getting into the sombre and respectful mood here.

Tucker: I’m gonna take some of this dirt home. As a souvenir.

That’s terrible.

Tucker: I know, but it’s too dark to get a good picture with the tombstones.

Clover County: bringing a special kind of class to every new establishment.

Lower class, that is.

Stewart: So, what am I supposed to do now that Len’s gone?


Stewart: Thanks for watching my brother get killed, guys!
FRIDAY: I thought that was what you people did.

FRIDAY: Anyway, we’re going back to sleep now. If you die, please do it off-lot.

Stewart: I’m sure I will.

All told, I think I like having a picture of her more than I like actually having her here.

Just like lots of real people I know!

Yeah yeah, real sad, blah blah blah whatever.

Stewart: I wonder if this will give me a sympathy card to play at university…

Stewart: I wonder if my dad will ever stop sucking…

Shadow: I wonder if I’ll be released from this mortal hellhole soon…

None of these questions, and less, coming up in the next hundred chapters!

Stewart: Well yee fucking haw.

You said it, buddy!

Well, my Chapter Fifty “gift” was pretty decent, I thought, so how ’bout another? Alright, main cast… hang ’em if you got ’em!

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Your source for dicks, tits, guns and axes since… whenever.

Stay sassy, internet.

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